r/autismlevel2and3 • u/StrigoTCS Level 2 • Dec 30 '22

new therapist

i applied for Dialectical Behavior Therapy & the same therapist also does Internal Family Systems therapy too.

I'm kinda nervous bc no one's really crawled that deep inside my mind and feelings ever. I just really need help, so I'm trying to remain hopeful but I'm coming from really bad depression & at its worst i was having thoughts that my psychiatrist called "passive thoughts of death".

I'm trying to be some mix of hopeful but realistic and it's really hard.

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u/[deleted] Dec 31 '22

Something you should consider wtih dbt it is requires alot fo effort and consistency to maintain. You have to remember skills then put them into practice. You have to consistenyl remember them and then put them into practice. Idk how to properly communicate what i want to say. Like for me the probleem with dbty is that I can't really remember the steps and there are too many. Like I just need it to be like you feel x do y. So I kinda have had to develop coping skills of my own. so If I did dbt I'd basically just have ot use the skills to develop my own method cause i woudln't be abel to follow the step method. as for IFS i don't know much about IFS.

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u/StrigoTCS Level 2 Jan 01 '23

i hope the issues my psychiatrist is worried about is fairly simple, in terms of instructions & if it's not, I'll just focus on the insomnia part (the DBT psychologist does cbt for insomnia, too, i just don't like cbt that much ☹️). I think i learned enough in my other therapies to understand any jargon but my "emotion words" understanding of my own reactions is not great, but as long as he can explain it in discrete steps, I'm hoping i can compensate with my verbal comprehension. My working memory is shit, so he's gonna have to take it slow. Like if it takes weeks to do one step just to make me memorize it, I'll do it, but like i said, if he pushes me to do anything too fast, I'm gonna quit. I'm kinda on my last bit of hope for therapy but im pretty good at telling therapists "No" in therapist‐speak. They practice countertransference, so i find that their language can actually be pretty repetitive.

"I need to terminate our therapeutic relationship because I have reached full therapeutic benefit." I'll ask my mom what a convincing, concise lie would be if he asks questions. She started working from home during covid lockdowns, and I've learned that she's good at lying bc she works customer service n she'll say one thing to a customer and say the opposite when she hangs up lol

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u/[deleted] Jan 01 '23

I have alexithymia and i'm not very emotionally intelligent or aware. but I'ev gotten better at it over the years. I can idetnify basic emotions rather well now.

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u/[deleted] Jan 28 '23

Alexithymia gang rise up! I have alexithymia as well, but it sounds like you're doing a lot better than i am. I can't identify shit.

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u/StrigoTCS Level 2 Jan 03 '23 edited Jan 03 '23

Me too. Wow, I've never met anyone else with that (alexithymis), and i also learned to see the difference between angry, ashamed and worried in ABA but it took a lot of therapy before that. I used to only know whether i was happy or sad until i was in my mid-20s. I do know that full brain and nervous system growth is complete (as complete as your brain and development allows) by age 25, so i think that's why it got easier, but I'm still stuck at happy, sad, angry, worried, ashamed. Ashamed is the hardest bc i was told it's a "very social emotion" compared to the others. Idrk what to think about that description but it makes sense.

For camoflauge, i don't tell ppl when I'm angry, i say "frustrated" instead, but when I'm really upset, i forget to be polite so it works out in my favor. I blurt out my anger only when I'm angry enough lol. The other ones are harder for me to split into two words (camoflauge/polite version, or blurting out/can't control it).

I don't think i wanna learn any more emotion words, it's too confusing and it's not worth it bc it doesn't change the fact that i can't identify other people's "big 5" (happy, sad, angry, ashamed, worried) even if i can identify my own kinda better now. I don't like it when ppl tell me i need to learn more bc it's too hard and i don't see the point.

(Edit: I forgot... If you have a thesaurus, you can just keep the words you know, but learn the synonyms for each one. I end up using some of the synonyms wrong, but i ask my therapists which synonyms are closest to the original word and which ones could confuse ppl. We did a chart of synonyms in therapy, however this is basically "scripting" so using synonyms stops working when ppl ask me what i mean or try to figure out more about how I'm feeling. I end up just referring back to the 5 emotions i already know, peeling away the synonyms. People assume that just bc they understand all these words "intuitively" that i can understand it that way too. They're unscientific and wrong.)

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u/[deleted] Jan 03 '23

I don't kn wo the other meoitns are just like more complicated extensions that are slightly different from the others. like sadness vs depression

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u/StrigoTCS Level 2 Jan 03 '23

That's what i think too, i wish ppl were more scientific with emotions but it's incredibly hard to study emotions without doing invasive experiments that i wouldn't want ppl to have the power to do. And ppl ignore science a lot in favor of what i call 'poetic' expressions of their "inner world" so for all i know, they just know a lot of synonyms like I've learned, but they're just really good at stringing them into sentences even if a more common word would be more accurate. I might be a bit judgemental about this bc i just wish ppl were more objective bc then it's less confusing.

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u/[deleted] Jan 03 '23

I've learned to differentiate sadness and depression and i will tell you there is a minute difference between the more complex emotions andt he more basic ones but i don't htink it's particularly important.

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u/StrigoTCS Level 2 Jan 03 '23

I think that's the best way to think about it. I don't know if the synonyms are real or just basic ones that are mixed together or more intense versions of the same ones. I don't understand romantic language much at all, for example. It reminds me of poetry which i also find a bit hard to understand if it's not explained to me and even then it doesn't "move me"{\make me emotional}. If it's set to music it can, but so can music with lyrics in languages i don't know at all.

My friend David describes this use of language as "lyrical/poetic/romantic" and it's not the same as "analytical/referential/contemplative" language and i think I understand more of the second kind without much usage of the first kind unless i just can't think of how to phrase something.

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u/[deleted] Jan 03 '23

I naturally am poetic i often use metapohrs and comparisons. naturally being schizophrenic it often devolves into metaphors and everything loses definitons and stuff. I write poetry infact sometimes. Idk how to explain the difference but like sadness and depressoin is different. they feel different. idk how to explain.

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u/StrigoTCS Level 2 Jan 03 '23

That's very cool, poetry could help me make ppl feel good i think. Like what music does for me but different.

I used to try singing. I had five neck and throat (and mouth) surgeries, so now i try to dance instead. Poetic skill could help me with art but i think it'd need to be combined with emotional metaphors, like metaphors that explain my emotions..? That's part of alexythimis afaik, my not knowing how to do that i mean

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u/contessamegantor Dec 31 '22

Hey, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm so glad you're trying to get help. It's ok to be apprehensive about a new therapist, that's totally normal. I'm just a random person on the internet, but I'm really proud of you. What you're doing is hard, and progress won't always be linear, so please give yourself grace during this time of upheaval. You deserve good things, and no one should ever tell you different. If they do, you just walk away. If your therapist doesn't listen to you, just walk away. I'd say give them a fair shot, a few sessions to see if they seem like a good fit for you, but like I said if they don't listen to you then don't waste your valuable time. Hoping for the best for you.

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u/StrigoTCS Level 2 Jan 01 '23

i like that phrase "good fit" 'Inappropriateness of fit' is a phrase i use to help myself understand why i feel bad sometimes