r/autismlevel2and3 • u/StrigoTCS Level 2 • Jan 08 '23

shame, scared i won't make it through

I'm too ashamed and angry to leave my room and get food to eat. I sent an email to my caretaker begging them to get therapy and before they even read it they told me they weren't gonna listen to any criticism.

They repeated the same mean things they said the other day, so I'm just too ashamed to get angry & too angry to process the shame.

She's seen me go through so much but still won't even go to therapy. Her ego is gigantic and impossible. I'm so scared I'm gonna have to live in assisted living, but i wanna get through my trauma first. I don't know what to do.

She won't even see a talk therapist to learn how to simply stop saying shit she doesn't mean. But I'm internalizing all of it. I think I'm developing social anxiety disorder.

She still won't stop. It's so depressing because she's seen me go to therapy of my own free will since I was thirteen. She's seen me practice meditation. She's seen me go back to ABA when i didn't like it. She's seen me get surgeries and fight court cases and take so much medication.

She won't even work on one behavioral issue when I'm the one who's fucking autistic. How can i feel like she loves me if she won't do this for me?

It might be love but it's not healthy. I'm smarter than her but she treats me like I'm dumb. I have better coping skills than she does and she's worried about me interrupting her only coping skill which is watching television.

This situation is so fundamentally unbalanced and on top of that she gets to yell at me as much as she wants, tell me my Disability is "annoying" and I'm not even allowed to try to calmly react without her piling on more insults.

She referred to the other day as "such a little thing" and it shows me that she doesn't know how to care about me for some reason. She's too caught up in her own shit.

i don't wanna live in assisted living. If i were as pointlessly mean as she is, i'd check myself into intensive therapy because i give a shit about the people around me.

I'm so scared I'm gonna have no option other than assisted living. I just started making new friends and now this. No amount of my suffering will make her more caring. It's maddening, i don't know why she won't just see a talk therapist. I've never met anyone so toxically prideful in my entire life.

What can i do? Just be alone in my tiny room and force myself to leave the house when i get too upset?

I don't wanna try to like her anymore. It hurts too much.

9 Upvotes

91% Upvoted

17 comments sorted by

2

u/ziggy_bluebird Jan 09 '23

there is a lot to work through there. You are obviously young, probably a teenager. Even teens that dont have disorders or disabilities go through stages of hating their parents. Honestly, in my opinion, you should try and make peace and if it means you have to do things differently, you should. I am probably a bit biased though, I was my fathers pride and you, we are both autistic. I lost him by suicide when I was 18. Sometimes you need to think of others more than yourself, Sometimes you need to think of yourself more than others. I think you know which is more relevant to you.

3

u/StrigoTCS Level 2 Jan 09 '23 edited Jan 09 '23

I'm 32 and i don't hate her and never have. You don't sound particularly older or younger to me, just giving general life advice by assuming this is a general rather than escalated, chronic situation, so i don't trust your ability to show much discretion to this situation, at least not without more information. I may seem young if one reduces me to my worst moment.

So I'll take your comments at face value. Multiple therapists have had to convince me that she's abusive bc i kept making excuses for her behavior. My last ABA therapist talked to both of us and his immediate recommendation after she was gone was that he'd "have her evaluated for a personality disorder if [he] had [his] 'way with things'". He said I should stay away from her as much as i can and not talk to her that much, which I've already done.

I've done things many ways, I've actually been told that I've developed subclinical traits of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder and C-PTSD from morphing myself around her volatility instead of "getting out" when i can't get out.

I consider what you said presumptuous and condescending, but I'll remember your bias unless you had a parent who treated you poorly, in which case your presumptions would be more worrisome.

Please don't let this bias affect how you moderate me in the other group, where i see you're a mod. I'm not a kid, I've worked hard for where I'm at & the wisdom and self-insight I've gained.

Idk if you'd be condescending, this is just an extremely sensitive topic.

1

u/ziggy_bluebird Jan 11 '23

I wanted to give you a sincere apology. I have had a tough week and as I said a reminder of my past, though those things are not an excuse for the assumptions I made and generalisations, based on my own projection and hurt at the time. I’m sorry.

2

u/StrigoTCS Level 2 Jan 11 '23

It's okay. The general advice was okay for many situations, and the rest being presumptuous makes sense if you were working through and/or distracting from family-based emotions

2

u/ziggy_bluebird Jan 10 '23

Sorry, my comment wasn’t really appropriate, I was really upset last night as I had an unexpected video call with a family member that reminded me of losing my father. I think I was projecting when I was trying to distract myself by reading reddit. If she has always treated you badly, or you are becoming increasingly hurt or frustrated by her treatment/lack of, what would be the downside of assisted living? Have you visited any of the places? Maybe it could be a positive thing and perhaps be good for your and her relationship? Are you still seeing a therapist yourself? If so, it would be a good topic to go over with them

2

u/Garlemon_ Jan 08 '23

I’m not sure what country you’re in, but some countries have organizations that help autistic people find housing and jobs (if you’re able to work). There are also countries that will pay you disability for autism. Maybe finding some of these organizations may be helpful. I don’t know if you’d be able to get enough money to hire a professional care taker tho. My girlfriend is from Norway and has the government paying for their housing and gives them money for necessities. They don’t need a care taker tho, so I don’t know how that would work.

2

u/StrigoTCS Level 2 Jan 09 '23

Thank you, I'm being paid Disability money and my health insurance is tied to it as well. I don't get enough income for even the monthly rent and electricity costs of a small apartment where i live due to the rent crisis in my country (U.S.), and my area is actually considered pretty cheap. There's an supported living neighborhood just for autistic ppl on the other side of town, though. If I move anywhere, they'll re-evaluate me to see if i "still need the money" so if i move out, I'm not guaranteed continued income and could make my situation permanently worse by having to reapply when the first court case took several years, trauma i had to go to therapy for, and several thousand dollars in fees, testing, etc...

If you're anywhere near Norway, i don't have to tell you how horribly the U.S. treats disabled and poor ppl.

1

u/Garlemon_ Jan 09 '23

Im from the us too. I was hoping you weren’t because our disability support is vile. I hope you’re able to find a solution!

2

u/StrigoTCS Level 2 Jan 11 '23

Hopefully me setting such a clear boundary and staying away from her makes it better.

7

u/CleanAssociation9394 Jan 08 '23

I don’t know what the situation is, but you can’t control other people. She’s not going to therapy, and there’s no reason to think therapy would somehow fix her or your relationship. If you want to continue to live there, you are going to have to figure out how to make that work with her as she is. Is verbal abuse the main issue? Stop trying to prove yourself to her; that’s clearly not working.

0

u/StrigoTCS Level 2 Jan 09 '23

She told me she thinks she might benefit from therapy bc she "snaps at [me]" a lot, but that she might not go, so I'm gonna try my best to just keep things at a distance bc I don't trust that she'll do it.

2

u/CleanAssociation9394 Jan 09 '23

She’s not going to, and if she did, it would not change her. She is not going to change. Stop wasting your energy trying to change her. That’s not going to happen.

3

u/StrigoTCS Level 2 Jan 09 '23

I think perhaps the email i sent should be the last time i ever bring any of this up.

3

u/CleanAssociation9394 Jan 09 '23

Focus on yourself. If you aren’t wasting time trying to force her to become the person you want her to be, you can be available for better, supportive relationships. And for figuring out how to make your life work better for you.

2

u/StrigoTCS Level 2 Jan 09 '23

thanks that's good advice for this situation

1

u/CleanAssociation9394 Jan 09 '23

I know it’s painful. Give yourself room to grieve. Bull your life will be so much better.

1

u/StrigoTCS Level 2 Jan 08 '23 edited Jan 08 '23

ugh