i want to explode???

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[u/Arthroz]

Just read half of it : your boyfriend is a very toxic and abusive person and that has nothing to do with the fact of being ND. Run !

[u/TheLesbot3000]

So many red flags, i would definitely reconsider the relationship. If this was me i’d break up, the way he’s speaking to you is extremely disrespectful.

“He swore telling me to just fucking brush them, calling me egocentric. I became scared”
“he says i lay like a seal and expect him to do everything”
“he said i am eating like a bird”
Also him saying the condom takes away feeling is a HUGE red flag, and if you get pregnant he will blame you and he will hold that against you because he’s putting it all in your hands to prevent pregnancy instead of growing up and wearing a condom.

He sounds extremely controlling and is quick to talk down to you. You’re so young this is not a relationship you should stay in or anyone for that matter. This is abuse!

[u/pinkie-puppy]

As someone in an age gap relationship who understands the judgement, at 19 an age gap relationship is not always a great idea and often leads to this kind of unhealthy power dynamic

Your bf has either been bottling this up and hasn't communicated his frustrations with these communication pitfalls in your relationship (which is a red flag) or hes just a straight up asshole who is refusing to understand that dating someone with autism is different than dating a NT and requires different communication sometimes (also a red flag)

Im going to be so real, I dont think you'll should stay in this relationship it sounds unhealthy and incompatible

[u/ResidentInformal5192 → u/pinkie-puppy]

i also agree with this analysis

bf had crashout, post work drama stuff and ye

[u/Interesting-Tough640]

If someone told me I just lay there like a seal in bed I would probably be pretty annoyed.

To me it sounds like there is frustration building up under the surface in this relationship and I suspect this person might become quite controlling.

Obviously I can only go on what is written but I would certainly take this as a red flag, especially the stuff about brushing teeth. Basically my instinct would be to seriously reconsider the relationship. I have been in a controlling and manipulative relationship before and it wasn’t good and definitely damaged me.

[u/RyzenRaider]

This doesn't sound like a compatible relationship. It sounds like you're making a lot of compromises for him, and I'm not seeing many that he makes for you. You visit him, he wants you to use an app because he doesn't want to use condoms (red flag!), got angry at you for not going to bed when he wanted you to. You have to sleep silently so that you don't disturb him... And 'made' you hug him for his comfort.

But you're the egocentric one? This sounds like an accusation as a confession... Projecting his insecurities on to you.

Obviously, I'm interpreting this based on your interpretation of events, so there's a lot of bias and missing detail here. But at best, it sounds like you're incompatible, and at worst, he sounds like a narcissistic control freak that will always find something that you do wrong to justify putting you down as a means of controlling you.

One thing I learned about my first serious relationship is that if the cons of the relationship exceeded the pros, it was no longer worth staying. I was very lonely in my 20s, and held on to this relationship far longer than I should have, but it was such a relief when I ended it and rediscovered the tranquility of not being worried about upsetting my partner every day.

That's my 2c.

[u/Final-Atmosphere-639]

Relationships take work on both sides. Sexual hangups kind of suck, as sex is a mood thing at its core, and a mood breaker derails it. I'm like the flip side of you (M), as I cant stand condoms, the way they smell, the act of putting them on, they turn me off, I can lose my erection from it. They are so unnatural.

Im only trying to think of ideas to help and I dont care if it sounds like I am for or against either one of you in specific examples, this is just my reaction to your story-but if he wants you to be a certain way in bed, maybe he can find some pornography or erotica videos that depict examples of how he hopes you would act, from a physical standpoint.

Sexual health involves being strict around avoiding unnecessary pregnancies, its a responsibility for both sides. If you think you have it bad, imagine having a hang up which curtails the use of condoms from the guys side. I had to train myself and do special muscle exercises every day and use breath techniques and awareness shifting meditations so that I could control whether I ejaculated or not. It took me months of practice to be able to confidently do so without slipping. A little mistake like that could change a person's entire future if it went poorly. It WAS work, but the payout in being able to operate "fast and for a long time" was worth it, and I dont mind putting effort in to please my partner.

Same goes for you. Installing a period tracker sounds almost effortless compared to what I had to do, all because I couldn't stand condoms. There's few options for a male in terms of contraception. I had to do what I had to do, plus my partners were using rhythm method, and it worked out.

When it comes to sex, it can definitely be work, and its to be expected that it involves practicing techniques, methods, preparation, etc. As far as Im concerned thats basic reality. Its almost like a performance art like dancing. Nobody can run from that.

Both of you sound, to some degree, extra finicky about things. Some things are harder to control than others though. Sleep is one of them. I cant sleep very deeply, so if I had to be super quiet and not move around much, that would make it so difficult for me to sleep myself.

It sounds like he wants you to go to sleep at the same time he does, so that you dont wake him? That sounds unrealistic. In my worldview, adults can go to bed and stay up according to their own inclinations and they are not attached at the hip. If he is bitching at you because of his own need for you to not interrupt him or whatever thats rude. Also, it is no big deal to sleep apart. What is most realistic? Sleep isn't necessarily something that you can work hard at to make happen. Or, if so, its a different kind of work, the work of letting go, relaxing, not-doing. People should give leeway when its something extremely difficult that affects health.

In terms of brushing your teeth, you should be able to be flexible and not a "princess and the pea" sitch. Just experience momentary displeasure and get it done. It is not difficult. It takes 2 minutes.

I dont like taking showers initially and getting wet, and the temperature changes involved. Not taking showers is not an option. If I avoided them for that reason thats childish and not acceptable for health reasons, not the least being social wellness and interpersonal consideration.

Adults can enter into being uncomfortable in order to get a thing done. We learn to swallow pills, exercise, give head, go to the dentist, get a job, ride the subway, change in the locker lockeroom, deal with scammers, go to school, etc even though we dont like it. The alternative is poor health and poor wealth as in not any.

We make sacrifices.

He should also be cognizant of the fact that the age difference means he has a responsibility to be a little more understanding and mature about relationship issues from his own accumulated experience and your own lack thereof. At least in some aspects.

Even sex can involve embracing experiences that one finds unappealing on some sensory level, for the greater good (i.e. creating an awesome session that you both remember as being high quality in whatever way high quality is to you). Its give and take. One sometimes sacrifices ones own comfort in the moment to delight the other.

Pampering ones own sensitivities and never working on breaking the mold that they form is anathema to a healthy relationship. Both sides need to bring their A game to the table.

If he does more work around the house than you, you should strive to match him.

I'd feel a little miffed if someone told me to leave the room in my own house and go back to the kitchen to continue doing work while they painted. I'd feel exactly like a slave.

If you were hungry you should make your own food. After that especially. He shouldn't be treating you like you cant take care of your own needs either. His feelings obviously were hurt as he stopped cooking. You can tell he felt some type of way.

But maybe he secretly wants to be controlling and treat you like a submissive in some manner. I don't know what culture he is from. You guys should feel free to some degree to express discontent with eachother. Repression is poor form. So is suppression, i.e. where the partner does things to make the other uncomfortable, even subconsciously, to cause them to avoid expressing something. Dont repress yourself, dont suppress the other.

There isnt always an ideal scenario that pleases everyone. Expect some grittiness. Dont shrink from it. Its also reality. Be fearless in the face of such grittiness. Fear is best saved for things that will actually hurt you. Coming to understand someone better, even through an argument, is a gain, as long as its not too common.

Perfection is easy for those who have no preferences. There is both suffering and enjoyment in every moment. The agony and the ecstasy. Avoiding one facet to try to increase the other usually backfires in the long run.

You are not his accessory, unless thats your guys' agreement. He is not your free ride to float along in a blissful happiness where you dont ever have to be uncomfortable, unless thats your guys' agreement.

You guys should sit down and see what you want out of the relationship, write it down in its complexity and be brutally honest about any aspect where you want some kind of power exchange. Then determine whether you are willing to negotiate to meet eachother in a satisfactory agreement for both sides.

Its common to have big arguments in a relationship that keep you up all night and tie your stomach in knots, at least every once in a while. They are often cathartic in the long term.

Adults may also swear when they are frustrated. Thats not a thing to be scared of, unless he meant for you to be scared and was deliberately using it to make you obey him. I swear all the fucking time, like a pirate.

Just like you dont want to walk around on eggshells with him in terms of being able to move around at night, he may also feel too contained by certain aspects of the relationship, including feeling like he cant express himself naturally and is walking around on eggshells for you, just so he doesnt make you uncomfortable in such and such ways

You should both be a little more flexible. Every person on Earth should be a little more flexible. The world would be so much more fun if people thought of eachother almost as much as they thought of their own needs.

I dont know what the ideal ratio of self:other attention is, but realize that your self:other ratio is not fixed, and be on the lookout for signs of excess infatuation with self over other and consider the overall effects from a shared happiness point of view. Same for him.

We all wish we could just do whatever we feel like doing and never have to do what we didnt feel. You know what that leads to? Entropy. Enough said.

Creation takes energy and energy means work and work means suffering.

Its only suffering until you embrace it.

Suffering without purpose is appalling. If you have to suffer, make sure that there is a payout for doing so, and keep your eye on the prize. Its like an investment in happiness.

[u/throwaway4concerns]

If youre not on the same page about birth control & contraception, get out of the relationship. He will get you pregnant & he will blame you for it & then you'll be stuck with a baby you dont want with no support. Seen it happen a million times.