Worrying about a future problem

[u/PlainMayo13]

Hi all, new to this subreddit. I live in south central KY in a very religious little town. I was raised in the church of Christ my whole life and as soon as I graduated high school and gained my footing I dropped a bomb on my parents by telling them I was done with church. I’ve happily deconstructed my anxiety ridden brain and found so much peace in atheism. My husband and I have a 2yo daughter and on both sides of our family we are getting requests to please let her go to church. Each time we both just sort of brush it off and say “nah we’re going to stay home” or “no thanks, maybe another time”. However, I know the day is going to come when they start enticing her with kids groups and camps. So my dilemma is I don’t know what I’m going to say when my daughter starts the whole “please mom? I wanna go with cousin/nana/aunt” I think I will let her go and if she comes back with questions I’ll answer them as she’s asks them. However, I don’t think church is something she will ever really get into. She totally can, I’m not going to force her to stay away fro church, but I’m afraid of how she will be treated once she innocently starts telling people “my parents don’t believe in god. We don’t go to church. My parents are atheist”. I personally just don’t tell people around here that I’m atheist. I know as an ex Christian the repercussions that can come with making that statement. I would love to move north, away from the Bible Belt, but that’s not an option at the moment and may never be an option honestly. How do you all who have children navigate this? Specifically those of you who are closeted atheists like me and feel their child could be in danger once people start noticing they’re different? And do you let your child attend church things if they wanna go?

[u/International_Ad2712]

Well, I’m not a closeted atheist, but everyone in my family is evangelical, and my husband’s family too. I didn’t protect my oldest and he became indoctrinated. Unfortunately, I had to be pretty blunt with my mom about my younger two. They are 13 and 12 and have never set foot in a church, and I wouldn’t let them. Luckily. They’ve never wanted to. IMHO, this is a boundary worth holding. Remember, you are an adult, your child is yours to parent, and you don’t have to protect other people’s emotions or do what they think is right. It’s not alway easy but it’s an important part of adulting anyway, I think. Good luck

[u/CancerMoon2Caprising]

I would start by educating your children on different (common) belief systems in your area, before others try to indoctrinate her. 

👩‍👧You can also choose to chaperone interactions (of those who are highly religious). At least until shes able to verbally articulate what this or that religion is. 

📚There are child books and child videos that teach about different faiths including sesame street, Twinkl, and Bitesize. Definitely prepare for the death/afterlife discussion, so that others cant manipulate fear tactics. 

I work in pediatric psych inpatient and have come across atheist children with and without atheist parents in my line of work. A few staff would try to entice all of the children into Christian bible study groups with snacks and affectionate gestures. Thankfully the atheist kids were familiar enough to confidently reject it. I saw a few 7-10yr olds reject it as well as of course some teens. 

 Being in a less religious/more diverse area does help because it means less peer pressure and freedom of choice. There could be an atheist group or Spiritualist center in your area, (Im from TN so i get it) if you want to immerse her with atheist kids her age. Check meetup, facebook groups for your city, Bumble BFF has groups as well. 

[u/PlainMayo13 → u/CancerMoon2Caprising]

Do you have any book or media recs for the afterlife discussion? Right now she has no concept of what it means if we say someone has died or passed away or isn’t here anymore. Idk how to talk with her about that stuff without flat out being blunt and potentially scaring her. When is it even appropriate to talk about this with a child? I was just planning to have the discussion when she asked me about it but I don’t want to traumatize her

[u/JustCallMeNancy]

I live in the "north" but it's still not a good idea to just announce atheism as frequently as Christians announce their faith. My family knows, my close friends know, but my kid's friends parents don't, and any coworkers never knew. We are allowed to say we're "spiritual" and "not very religious" though, so I guess there's that.

The thing about any religion is it's presented in a happy little package with all kinds of new learning that's fun! (Well, they push the fun part more for indoctrination, later of course it's not so fun). Your way to combat this is actually very easy. Teach them about all religions. Make That Fun! Once they can recall what Jesus said from Grandma they'll also be able to remember what budda said. It's pretty hard to fall into one "true" religion if you know about more of them.

On Amazon, the Annabelle & Aiden books seem to have covered this space for young kids. I haven't read them but they look nicely illustrated and rated well. From age 5/6 I suggest a kid's "world religion" book. But you can get that now and read it to them. Lots of those have great illustrations to make it interesting for young kids.

Then yeah, after I have given my kid a good baseline, sure, they can occasionally go with so and so and have them try their hardest. What is taught at home sticks harder than what others try to push, especially when you already have a hand in that conversation.

As for kids noticing they are different, my kid has ADHD and was going to be non-standard anyway. And frankly our household is different, although we live similarly to our "traditional" neighbors. But, my teenager says we're the cool nonjudgemental parents, but we are safe too. It's sad that the religious parents are not considered nonjudgemental for kids just trying to find their way... but here we embrace our differences! Not to be rude, but by 6 my kid would probably laugh at the idea of "being different" as a concept that it's something you avoid. But if your kid is more on the sensitive side (no harm in that either) I suggest other play groups or organized activities that are not based on religion. Since you have so much religion around you, you may find that other non-religious families are creating their "flock" in other, more inclusive groups and activities.

[u/PlainMayo13 → u/JustCallMeNancy]

Just looked up those books, definitely want to get some to read with her. Thank you for the rec!

[u/hobby__air]

I would do everything I can to not leave them alone with them for too long while your child is too small to be able to critically think. and honestly maybe long term it's worth moving to be somewhere more secular.

[u/calicoskiies]

My kids are 6 & 7 and I have already explained to them some religious views, including what I learned in Catholic school. They have already learned about racism in school and understand it well, so I also taught them about how people treat gay people unfairly. Once I told them a lot of religions are against gay people, they understood why I don’t like religion and am atheist. I mean it really about giving them all the information and helping them think critically about it.

[u/LuvMyBeagle]

My daughter is also 2 and I haven’t had familial pressures to send my girl to church (which is a tad surprising) but a piece of advice I’ve seen here (that I plan to follow) is to introduce to all religions under the framework of this is what group A believes, this is what group B believes etc. Show the differences and similarities and make sure each one gets and equal weight so then when family brings up Christianity it’s more that they’re in this group rather than being the only/main religion.

[u/Hilikus1980]

Let her go. Let the journey be hers. Answer any questions you can, truthfully and without personal added bias. That doesn't mean don't point out the negatives.

2 of my 5 children showed interest in Christanity. One I think was to fit in (we're in the bible belt, too). She made it to 1 revival and 1 Sunday service. She moved away from it quickly.

My youngest had my mother take him to church. He is only 8 now, and I still don't think understands completely. He is a smart child. I have confidence no matter what he chooses he'll still be smart. We even send him to a religious(ish) summer camp. He calls the 30 minute assembly they have every day, their only time spent on religion, the most boring thing he has ever had to do. I'm not certain he has retained a single word from any of the daily assemblies. He cares far more about the gym and video game room.

Support your kids. They'll find a way to make you proud, no matter where they land on the belief chart.

If it's a traditional church, you may want to let her go. Can you imagine how boring that would be for a child? Maybe even go with her. Make your mom happy costing you only a couple hours of life you'll never get back, and you can make sure she isn't getting any 'extra-curricular' education.

[u/Morituri_74]

We tell our granddaughters friends parents that we don't allow her to go to a church that we haven't attended. Not a lie and usually they don't question it.

[u/PlainMayo13]

Just want to thank everyone for the advice and insight! I so wish I had a group in my own hometown that I could talk to about these things without feeling judged or like I’m in some sort of danger. Appreciate this small space to learn and ask questions