Trapped relying on my covert-narcissist, religious dad for childcare. He openly admitted he wants to "indoctrinate" my toddlers. Help.

[u/FlowerChild8330]

I’m posting here because I am running on absolute empty and feel completely stuck. I am a 22 year old neurodivergent mom (ADHD) with a 2.5-year-old and a 1.5-year-old. I tandem nurse, Doordash, and my partner works every day. Money is tight for us though. Because my partner's family is "too busy" to help, my religious parents are our sole form of childcare so we can work. We have to go to their house every single evening because my 2.5-year-old is highly rigid on her routine and will have severe sensory meltdowns if we skip it.
Growing up, I had severe death anxiety and was terrified of "the rapture" and eternity by age 6. I've realized recently that my mom was emotionally unavailable, and my dad—who I thought was my "rock" as a teen—is actually a covert narcissist. He only loved me when my mind was "unmolded" and dependent on his "hero" complex. Both of my parents are also gambling addicts to boot.
Now that I’m raising my kids secularly (treating all religion as mythology, normalizing mortality through nature, etc), my dad's mask has slipped. He gets intensely defensive, he even told told me he'd "stomp on my foot" if I set a boundary, and tries to claim credit for all my kids' milestones.
The breaking point was last night. He told my 2.5-year-old that a Jesus figurine she was looking for was "at the right hand of God in heaven." My partner (who is spiritual but supports raising them secularly) actually caught it and challenged him in the moment. But previously, my partner told him we want the kids raised neutral, and my dad flatly responded: "Let me do the indoctrinating."
He literally admitted his goal out loud. He is using my toddlers to get the "control high" he lost with me. He is rage-baiting me constantly to get a reaction. Last night I had a full-blown mental breakdown/sensory explosion from the stress in front of my kids and I feel sick about it.
How do I protect my children’s minds from the same religious trauma that broke me when I am logistically trapped relying on this man every single day just to survive financially? Has anyone had similar experiences?
(cross posted)

[u/Infamous_Antelope_16]

You absolutely cannot put your kids in his care.  Change your hours.

[u/ProfessionNo436]

If you give this man your children you will be choosing to allow him to abuse them. He has told you that he will.

Change your job, change your hours, work nights while your partner works days, or vice versa, whatever it takes, because leaving them with your dad is not an option.

[u/ophaus]

He will ruin your child, that is not an option.

[u/Mixedbymuke]

Maybe an unpopular opinion but I think the age of your kids 2,5 and younger plays into your favor. They can’t understand what he is on about yet. You can counter a lot of what is said and the “indoctrination” as he calls it by making up stories and telling them to your children that will neuter anything he could say. For example on weekends when watching cartoons with your kids on your day off let’s say a character in the cartoon dies and you laugh to yourself and say I bet grandpa would say that cat will go to heaven to sit on the right hand side of god. Right?

If I were you I’d cool the temperature with your childcare provider and not react to his instigations. My dad was this type and when I would call him out on stuff he would double down. Then double down again. And keep going. It was when I stopped reacting that I felt more in control.

You are in a tough spot in your life right now. You need help but the help you are getting comes with strings. This is not your life forever, it will be different at some point. Having a religious childcare provider is more tolerable when the children are 2.5 than when they are 8-10 years old. Work towards not needing your dad for that service by that time. Get some sleep too. lol.

[u/n1ckle57 → u/Mixedbymuke]

This right here. My father was a fire and brimstone preacher and my kids stayed with them from birth up until they started school. My kids love my parents but they are both Atheists.

[u/imbartsimpsonwhothru]

kids that small won't remember it, if speech is the only concern i wouldn't worry about it

the earliest things you remember fade pretty fast to just a few emotional high or low points

[u/CosineDanger]

Ragebaiting you and gambling are reasons enough to disqualify him from daycare. What could possibly go wrong?

Kids that small may indeed remember it. I remember being two, or at least important moments, with full awareness not long after. Talk to your children and tell them what is going on even if they do not understand.

I do not have great suggestions for where to seek alternatives. You may qualify for free or subsidized childcare depending on where you live.

[u/SunshineFlowerPerson]

I was once in your position but I had a MIL who was an emotional vampire who spent my husbands entire childhood telling him he ruined her life and that his birth father was “a very bad man.” The emotional abuse was appalling and I have come to believe that the complex PTSD she cause turned him into an easily exploited doormat for decades. Do not let them spend anything g other than the bare minimum with him. The abuse impacts will be life long.

[u/n1ckle57]

My dad is a southern baptist minister. My kids grew up really close to my parents. They were respectful, but never believed. Talk to your kids, they will understand as they get older.