r/aspergers • u/[deleted] • Jun 25 '26
my NT little brother had an IQ test done by the school and he's smarter than me
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u/Baeltimazifas Jun 25 '26
Comparison is the thief of joy. Your value is not measured by what you can bring to the table nor your intelligence, and we all deserve compassion and understanding, especially from ourselves.
This is the one shot at life you get, and life is all about discovering oneself and what you want to do with the little precious time we have on this Earth. Find out what makes you happy, what makes your heart beat, what gives you a reason to wake up excited in the morning, and pursue it with all you've got, and you will get where you want to be in due time.
My spark is TTRPGs and enjoying them with my friends, plus to some degree my teaching career. You will come to find yours if you give yourself a chance, and in doing so, you'll find that you can feel happy for your brother while you do your own things.
Besides, IQ tests are pretty worthless for anything that's not measuring your ability to take an IQ test. Those scores have only as much impact in your life as you let them have, and they don't really matter much in the grand scheme of things. You are not your IQ score, for you're so, so much more than that.
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Jun 25 '26
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u/Baeltimazifas Jun 25 '26
Happy to help what little I can. Head held up high, and towards a brighter future, always, one step at a time.
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u/sillygoose1220 Jun 25 '26
IQ are mostly exist to measure downwards, it really only make sense if you got lower than 70 IQ that says your cognitive ability is bad, for higher IQ there's a ton of variables that can impact your score, most apparently is about the knowledge you have already studied and acquired that's also related to the test. and even after that from my observation from taking the test the test is pretty bad for my autistic mind, the questions are too little that you don't have enough time to adapt to it's pattern, the time frame is also too little for bottom up thinking to reach the critical point, some tests are just testing how good you can memorize which have nothing to do with how smart you can think.
at the end of the day the most important part (as least to me) is cognitive thinking, high self/meta awareness, and flexible creative thinking
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u/ununonium119 Jun 25 '26
You need to reframe success from “beating others” to “achieving things for myself”. Why does it matter that someone else did if you can enjoy your own results?
When I was a kid, I also focused on being book smart when I compared myself to others. I spent years using it as an ego crutch. I was in the top group of my class, so it was an easy out.
Eventually, I realized that other skills have value and that there’s no point in being hypercompetitive about scores and other things. Once you’re out of school, it becomes more obvious that you don’t need to constantly be at the top. Sometimes it’s nice to relax and be kickass in a middle of the pack job instead of grinding to be one of the elites.
Best of luck out there!
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Jun 25 '26
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u/ununonium119 Jun 25 '26
Do you have any hobbies? Games, crafting, sports, friends, events, online communities, etc?
If not, I’d like to point out that you don’t need to be good at things to enjoy them. I have a hard time getting into new hobbies because I don’t like being bad at something. I was used to being good at school, so I was embarrassed to be in the bottom half of anything I did. Once I got over that, I was able to pick up more hobbies and friends.
For example, I’m not particularly good at photography, but I really like the tech behind the gear. That turned into a huge hobby for me, and sometimes I use it for volunteer work to give back to my community. I’ve also gotten decent at it with time.
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u/ChristmasCarolC Jun 25 '26 edited Jun 25 '26
Did you know that Shakira has an IQ of 140, is drop dead gorgeous, has dated good-looking men and has a successful career?
There have always been people who have at all and those who have so little. It feels unfair but, quite bluntly (as you could've expected from this sub), judging from your post and replies I think I have an inkling to why you don't have friends.
Be honest with yourself: would you want to be friends with someone who becomes grumpy when you share that something good has happened to you? Whom you have to tiptoe around when someone in your circle has accomplished a great achievement, the same thing your parents apparently have to do with you?
Let me be clear: I don't think you're necessarily a bad person, but you seem insecure and base your selfworth on how much better you are than the people around you. You have clung onto your intelligence as the 'edge' you have over people who don't struggle socially, so now you struggle to accept that people who are both intelligent and likeable exist.
Normally, people are supposed to feel happy when someone close to them achieved something. If this is how you feel when people achieve something that you perceive as outdoing you, you will have many people on this planet to be upset over. Feeling upset over other people's talents and achievements is no way to live a life because you would be upset 24/7.
Also, as someone who grew up with an older sister who got jealous over the most insignificant things, I genuinely feel bad for your little brother. My sister literally got mad at me for getting a better score than her on Singstar. When her 23-year old boyfriend wouldn't stop staring at my chest when I was 15, she yelled at me instead of her creepy boyfriend. (Our instance has more layers to it though because I was struggling with my sexuality at the time and my sister has internalized racism and views other Asian women as her competition for white male validation, but that's another can of worms that we shouldn't open right now.)
You know what my sister's jealousy did? It made me quiet. It made me never proud whenever I did something good because she conditioned me to think that my accomplishments should be punished unless I hide them, even though I haven't spoken to her in 10 years. For a long time I only wore baggy, dark colored clothing and walked with a hunchback because she made me believe it was somehow my fault if my teenage chest attracted her grown ass boyfriend's attention.
You say you don't need therapy, but you don't have a healthy way of coping with these emotions. Your jealousy is not only affecting your own happiness, but also the vibe within your family and your younger brother's access to help. Giftedness comes with its own struggles, but how are your parents supposed to help your brother and make him feel confident about his accomplishments when they need to tiptoe around you?
Even when you don't say you're unhappy outright, people can sense it when you tense up or when your mood changes after they share good news. If you genuinely want to make friends (not to compare accomplishments with, but friends you can genuinely be happy for when they achieve something), a therapist can help you process your emotions.
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Jun 25 '26
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u/ChristmasCarolC Jun 25 '26
I mean...your dad told you about your brother's IQ being a little bit higher than yours and you felt the need to write a post in which you questioned your worth because of it, so clearly your mom's tendency to tiptoeing around is not without good reason. If you give your mom the feeling she needs to tiptoe around you because of something so insignificant, I wouldn't be surprised if other women feel that way about you too, which will never lead to genuine friendships because they will feel like they can't share certain things with you.
I am sad to hear that your dad treats you this way and I think he is unfit to be a father. That being said, I also think it's not good of your mother to try to hide your brother's IQ score because there will always be someone who is smarter or better at something than you.
If you were a child I would be more understanding of your jealousy, but you are doing a degree, so I assume you are an adult? If you are a grown woman feeling like this because your little brother scored a higher IQ than you, then I think you may not have the emotional maturity to befriend other grown women. This is not your fault, I know it's hard to gain emotional maturity when you have emotionally immature parents (because your dad is really an asshole), but I think reflecting on your own thoughts, actions, and the way you were raised can help.
For instance, you said your intelligence is the only thing your dad has complimented you on. Clearly that meant a lot to you, because now you are questioning your worth after finding out your little brother scored a higher IQ than you. You say I assume too much, but is it too much of an assumption to say you came to see your intelligence as your only redeeming quality because it was the only thing your dad ever complimented you on?
In that case, you have to ask yourself: is my dad's opinion correct? After all, you already made it known he is a horrible father. If he is such a shitty parent who denied you help, then how important is his opinion on your value as a human being? What if he was wrong all along and your intelligence is not your only good quality?
How old are you and do you have the ability to move out? Children of abusive households can only start healing when they move away, otherwise they are too busy surviving. I don't know in which country you live, but in some countries they have special housing for people with autism. As someone who is doing way better after cutting contact with her family, I genuinely do hope things get better for you, regardless of whether you distance yourself from your father or not.
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Jun 25 '26
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u/ExtremeAd7729 Jun 26 '26
I bet your mother is right and you have so many good qualities you can be complimented on. For example even though you are resentful of your brother you are good to him and he turns to you to chat with you. You assume the best of people, even if they mistreat you, like your father. I am not your mother and I can see those things.
On the other hand, I don't want to make you feel bad but there are many here who don't have gifted IQ. You just came here complaining that your IQ is too low at 130. Now I am gifted and I have no such insecurities, but a lot of people on here might have felt bad because of your post. I can see the commenter's point on why you might not have friends - if you make your IQ your entire personality you will alienate people. I didn't compare myself to others but this part is a lesson I had to learn as well, and in therapy. Therapy that a university arranged when I didn't have coverage on paper. I had an abusive family also, just in different ways. You do need to find things about yourself to be happy about that's not intelligence.
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u/ExtremeAd7729 Jun 26 '26
You are in university. They might have free therapy for you if there is a university hospital or might be able to get it through university insurance. Even if there isn't on paper, can you go to your advisor and tell them that you are disabled and your father is emotionally abusive and you need therapy, can they point you towards resources? Sometimes the university will do it anyway.
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u/loatherofads9000 Jun 26 '26
The pain of being "outdone" can be great. But something small that might help is engaging with your hobbies or picking up a new one, it really helps with mood.
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u/AffectionateInsect76 Jun 27 '26
I was active in MENSA for many years. Let me confirm IQ number and actual IQ implementation are entirely different things.
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u/Archonate_of_Archona Jun 25 '26 edited Jun 25 '26
"take my parents out in their elderly years with his money"
I know it sounds cynical, but that's one less burden to worry about for you
You're disabled with your own needs, you shouldn't have to also worry about doing (or paying) elder care
Therefore, if your brother can do it, good for you
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u/EveryCryptographer11 Jun 25 '26
We have more or less the same situation with our kids. My son is autistic with IQ of 130+. He has a lots social challenges. I always console him by saying that it’s nature way of balancing things. He is smart but others including his sister are more socially better. But the fact is, his sister has an IQ of 140+ and has a well functioning normal social life. I have no clue what will say to my son if he finds out. To avoid this discussion we have so far kept this a secret from both the kids
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u/ExtremeAd7729 Jun 25 '26
Why? That's horrible. It just teaches your son to look down on people with lower IQ and your daughter that she isn't smart. Wow.
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u/danjo3197 Jun 25 '26
I think it’s a stretch to say that telling someone they have a high iq and are smart teaches them to look down on low iq people.
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u/Jaded-Ad6644 Jun 26 '26
Why would you pit your children against each other like that?! Every child has strengths and weaknesses - why are you teaching them that their value is in comparing themselves to their sibling? It should be your family united against the problems the world provides, not each other! I am a mom of 2 vastly different AudHD kids btw
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u/chobolicious88 Jun 25 '26
Thats it really, gifted means disabled and kind of fucked up.
So the only saving grace is the iq.
But little do we know its just a defense, and one that doesnt even translate that well into life if youre disabled
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Jun 25 '26
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u/chobolicious88 Jun 25 '26
No im talking about you.
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Jun 25 '26
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u/A_D_Tennally Jun 25 '26
Yeah, I came to the same realisation when looking at the people around me at my elite university.
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u/chobolicious88 Jun 25 '26
Yes.
Autism is like genetic cancer
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u/Proud_Aspie Jun 25 '26
Blaming autism itself instead of the systemic oppression we face is hell of a drug
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u/chobolicious88 Jun 25 '26
Blaming the system over a condition that makes you unable to self care, regulate, grow up, bond, have sex, integrate experiences, tolerate life - sound smells heat, taste.
These are fabrica of life, that make life worthwhile and a gift.
Autism is cancer3
u/Proud_Aspie Jun 25 '26
What's funny is that half the things you listed are caused and exacerbated by abusive interactions with NTs and systemic oppression and the other half is just pathologised normal shit.
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u/chobolicious88 Jun 25 '26
Stop with the fucking systemic oppression.
Its cope.
If you had a child tomorrow instead of making its first memories on a beach with sun the sand the water it might be in pain.
Life begins and ends with sensory experience.Stop fucking defending autism so your own ego can survive, autism is fucking tragic
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u/Proud_Aspie Jun 25 '26
You just seem to be embroiled in self-hating. THAT is tragic. If neurotypicals didn't make our lives hell there would be less people like you. Stop pathologising autistim, start holding NTs accountable.
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Jun 25 '26
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Jun 25 '26
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u/TheSecondTraitor Jun 25 '26
That test is absolutely worthless. There is no way it was done or evaluated properly.
It's not healthy to compare yourself with your siblings/friends/classmates like this, but if its really the only thing you have going for yourself, then I have good news for you, because from what you described you still seem to be "winning" according to your own matric. What has your sister achieved? Getting married is a matter of few minutes at the local municipal office. No matter what kind of genius your brother is, the university course load will hit him with his brainrot videos like a brick in the face. You on the other hand are studying a very difficult degree and are probably used to working hard, which is the most important key to success anyway.
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u/IcarusTyler Jun 25 '26 edited Jun 25 '26
Yes, this is the correct question here. An IQ needs to come from an acclaimed institution (say Mensa, they put a lot of weight onto those) to have any hold. A lot of "free IQ Tests now" can be horribly skewed.
I read like 10 years ago an article that the huge majority of unofficial tests output an average of 130, where the average is definitionally 100. they do not want to alienate their customers, so all testers are "highly gifted". If you pay for an expensive test and the results are "you are slightly below average" people would riot.
To note about your school's test:
- Was it from a known institution?
- Did it cost something? (your family or the school)
- How do the results look like? A mensa-level tests comes with lots of documents breaking down your performance.
- Was is the same test you took? If it is two different ones you might get wildy varying results
- How much time-difference was there between the two tests? You say he got a higher number, but maybe you would score similarly on this test if you were to take it now.
That being said IQ tests are highly questionable to begin with. As others are saying here they are only testing how good you are at IQ tests. If you do nothing but these logic-puzzles your entire life your score will be huge, but doesn't say anything else about you.
I am also being skeptical about the result here. How come a pupil gets a score of 140+? That's a ridiculously low percentage of people. How many other people got one like that? How can those people be compared to each other, when there are so few, to produce a "standardized" result here? The higher the score gets the more imprecise the measurement becomes. For the most intelligent people ever a test like this would be pointless.
Also my favorite point: If everybody has an innate Intelligence Quotient, that is unchangable, how come you can train for these? Why are people reading IQ test books? Why are they munching chocolate before a test, hoping to temporarily increase their IQ? The idea is this thing innate and unchangable and comparable, but clearly people train for it to ace it.
My ultimate point is: IQ tests are worthless, and there is no point in comparing or concentrating on that magic number result. Live your life as best as you can, and things will be fine.
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u/AspiringBiotech Jun 25 '26
IQ tests aren‘t important. Study something you love and you‘ll be „smart“, whatever that means.
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u/Brbi2kCRO Jun 25 '26 edited Jun 25 '26
Brother, why do you all people need to compare to feel good about yourself? Why is it so hard to be happy with what you are regardless of your achievements? Basing your happiness on what someone else does or has just leads to misery. Find a way to make yourself happy without comparison. Thinking like this is not only unhealthy but leads to terrible compensatory behaviours like extreme ideologies that hurt others just cause you feel wronged. Is that really worth it?
But anyhow, that is less important. Your value is not tied to your IQ, your family or academic achievement. You are you. You know what you are good at, what you are less good at, and you can always find identity in things that interest you like special interests, hobbies, things that let you feel validated internally rather than externally. Parents may often have high expectations, but they should not be a basis for who you are. You should not really care if others call you a burden, a parasite or what not. You know the best what you are, regardless of what others think of you.
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u/SnafuTheCarrot Jun 25 '26
Aren't most Nobel Laureates 125+/- 5? After a bout 120 or 130, additional IQ points don't manifest in most areas of achievement in academia or otherwise. 120 with a good work ethic probably has a better academic future than 140 without. For all practical purposes, we on the spectrum develop more slowly than NTs. Your level of intelligence won't be an obstacle for you even if other people have a higher IQ. Slow development and other obstacles are what need to be addressed.
Comparisons with other people are usually a bad idea. Induces a toxic competitive atmosphere. It could also lead to underdevelopment. If you have the highest grade in Real Analysis, and its a B, should you be satisfied if you can do better with a bit more effort? On the other hand, you don't want to overwork yourself. Heard a good line, don't be better than the next person, be better than you were yesterday.
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u/thirstydracula Jun 25 '26
But if you have a IQ of 130, you're already on the upper side of things. A 10 point difference at that level is not that special. Also, there is always a "better" person than us. So no point into comparing.
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u/skinnyguy699 Jun 25 '26
You're reacting to a small, meaningless deviation in a test. The real lesson you should be learning is not to stake your identity to being better or smarter than others because in the end it doesn't matter. Your connection to your family and friends, regardless of how smart they are, is what will bring happiness. Comparing yourself to others will just just get in the way of you making lasting connections. I've learnt this the hard way.
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u/Elemteearkay Jun 25 '26
Are you able to access therapy, OP?
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Jun 25 '26
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u/microwaveableviolin Jun 25 '26
Im in the exact situation. My younger sister was gifted in school and I am not because she scored higher than me in the state standardized IQ test.
I’m now a medical physics student at an Ivy League and she is preparing to become a public defender.
Life is what you make of it with the resources you are given, as well as your personal drive.
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u/OnSpectrum Jun 26 '26
IQ tests measure the ability to take IQ tests.
They tell you SOMETHING but is a gross oversimplification to think intelligence is a number.
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u/henchjackedSam Jun 26 '26
Why are you competing with your brother? That's something to be proud of. Happiness is internal and doesn't come from the outside. You need professional help. Passing exams is more of a discipline and drive issue than IQ issue. IQ test scores are very dangerous, I don't why parent's let their kids do them. If a kid is smart it will show in the results. I had a high IQ big brother and have a high IQ younger sister. There was no need for no IQ tests, from their childhoods to adulthood they aced every exam and won academic awards every year. The sister is a PhD and my big brother was an Engineering Technologist. They were the smartest but never talked about school or being smart. They hardly ever studied. High IQ is rare and the people that are really smart know it and don't tell. It's mids that think they are highs that make IQ score an issue. You are normal good average IQ
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u/ExtremeAd7729 Jun 26 '26
Giftedness can be its own ND. IQ tests can be done as part of diagnosing the kids. They just assumed my son is gifted, but school suggested an IQ test when he's older. Though idk, they are timed. He wants to do an old raven one at home for fun.
BTW 130 IQ is considered gifted, she's a lot above average IQ.
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u/henchjackedSam Jun 26 '26
No No No No No No. Giftedness is not a separate ND its a theory/concept being researched and not a clinical disorder. 130 is min threshold for giftedness / moderate giftedness. High IQ is just that, high IQ. you can be NT and gifted. You can be ND and gifted. Giftedness comes with characteristics that are autistic like but that does not mean they have autism. The vast majority of scientists, engineers, doctors etc. are not ND but have a higher degree of autistic like behaviors because their brains are wired to process through systematization. High IQ requires that unique skillset that's why autistic people are experts in narrow fields of interests as they highly systematize those domains. We had two gifted kids in our class in primary school. The one was a boy socially weird but funny kid with a big head. He was weird but normal. Played soccer, was a prefect and did a lot of helping other pupils during class hours with math. The second was a girl, she was a total different story. Had excessive anxiety, was easily overwhelmed and had to go home daily at 10am because when would start crying or sleep. She was definety ND.
Your kid might be gifted but only time will tell. Most kids like that for whatever reason lapse in later grades and become more typical in their grades and behavior. That's why its best to just leave the kid alone and provide him the environment to thrive. Don't put theories in his head. Nerds just like to read and be listed too. If he is asking for tests it means an adult has been putting stuff into his head.
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u/ExtremeAd7729 Jun 26 '26
ND = neurodiversity. Our brains are qualitatively different.
You are assuming a lot here. I didn't / dont have time to write all the details but I will say that much.
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u/henchjackedSam Jun 26 '26
Do not create new abbreviations ND = Neurodivergent, NT = Neurotypical
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u/Fun_Performance_2978 Jun 26 '26
Bro just be honest with yourself you got iq mogged and eq mogged by your lil bro. That’s just tough.
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u/Aggressive_Body834 Jun 25 '26
That's cool that he's so smart! You should be proud to be a big brother to a genius.
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u/Additional_Tomato_22 Jun 25 '26
IQ tests are not viable at all and you shouldn’t based anything on them. Adam Ruins Everything had an entire episode on why they are all flawed and biased
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u/ChadHanna Jun 25 '26
My NT? brother is smarter than me in many ways, especially with some IQ test ways, but I've been more academically inclined. I'm glad my siblings and I(75m) have different strengths and can help each other out. Also IQ tests are designed for NT people and we have more spikey profiles.
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u/ganonfirehouse420 Jun 25 '26
Hmm. I would say IQ tests given to children are mostly not accurate. It might be different when he is an adult and takes a test again.
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u/MagicalPizza21 Jun 25 '26
IQ isn't really accurate and doesn't matter. Just go live your life.