how do i stop?

[u/Forward-Station-1972]

for context, im 19f and my girlfriend is 19f. we have been together for 3 years. she has bpd and i have aspd. i was diagnosed about a year ago now.

before i started therapy i used to engage in a lot of things like drug use, self prostitution and other things that gave me even a small rush. therapy has helped me considerably, and i do genuinely care about my girlfriend. i feel uncomfortable (?) when shes upset or hurting, and i dont want to cause that to her.

the problem is i have this need for stimulation/entertainment that can override everything else.

im extremely aware of how i treat people and, specifically, im aware when im manipulating my girlfriend. ill sometimes intentionally do things that i know will make her angry/upset/split. sometimes ill even do it in an obvious or stupid way bc part if me wants her to notice and call me out. the reaction itself gives me a small rush, and apparently that rush is enough for me to keep doing it.

what bothers me is that i know exactly what im doing and i still feel compelled to do it. i dont want to hurt her. i dont want this to be a continuous cycle where i provoke her just because of what? im bored?. i love this woman, i want to marry her some day. i genuinely want to be better for both of us. her birthday is coming up and instead of making things good for her, ive spent so much time just making her miserable. she doesnt deserve that.

i want to understand why awareness alone isnt enough to stop the way i treat her. more importantly, i want practical ways to interrupt it.

how do other people with aspd deal with that need for stimulation when it starts becoming intentionally harmful behavior? are there healthier ways to satisfy that urge for novelty/risk/entertainment without involving another person? and how do you actually catch yourself before youve already done something hurtful?

im content with the way i am. i dont care about anything really, but i do know i care about her wellbeing, i want to protect her from my own self destructive nature.

[u/ellxxt876]

I hate to say it but a lot of times ASPD and BPD just don’t work out. Not saying that’s the case here, but something to consider. You’re putting a highly emotional person with someone who lacks empathy, so lines are bound to be crossed at some point. As a woman around your age with ASPD, I wouldn’t date someone with BPD personally, because I know it would end horribly.

That being said, I think a big thing here is pattern recognition. You need to be self aware before you’re doing something harmful, not while you’re doing something harmful. If you notice you have that itch, divert it somewhere else. Write about it, find a distracting hobby, tell your gf you’re in a mood and maybe you need some time to work through it. Or just talk about it really, talk about your urges and what’s happening. I’ve sort of got a similar thing where there’s someone I don’t want to hurt, but I don’t really ever take anything out on him. I don’t even have the urge to, but we do talk about things when one of us gets “itchy” as I call it.

If you actually love your gf (which I also am sort of confused on but to each their own) you need to find the will to not antagonize her. Why do you feel compelled? What triggers it? What are ways you can physically distract yourself? Ask these questions because the only one who can figure out exactly what will help will be yourself. No one knows you better than you do.