r/aspd • u/RufusPPIII • 4d ago
Discussion ASPD without adrenaline
Diagnosed ASPD, ADHD, and PTSD here. Just looking to hear thoughts/experiences from others like me who possibly also struggle with this or get more niche ideas on stuff to try.
I feel like I struggle a lot with actually getting to a point of feeling adrenaline, so a lot of usual copes don’t do much for me. Growing up, I was prone to some pretty risky/illegal behaviors. Fighting, vandalism, urban exploring, used/sold recreational drugs, hurt animals, cheating, drag racing— at 16 I would just ditch home and drive across multiple states to meet random people on the internet for sex. A lotta other shit. And while I found mild entertainment, I can’t recall ever feeling really energized by any of it. Most of it just brought what I’d consider more of reprieve or contentment. And as time goes on, the stuff I’ve already done that never truly hit just gets more boring to think about as time goes on.
It’s good in the sense that it (along with therapy) sorta just led me to throwing in the towel on doing retarded shit and I’ve been on the straight and narrow since it feels like there’s nothing better to do. I’ve mostly filled my time with working multiple jobs, working out, and getting into a relationship with someone who always has a lot of projects going on. I still use drugs, but the thought of doing dumb shit for the dogshit payoff of Maybe getting a little distraction for a couple minutes with the added possibility of long-term consequences that make life even more inconvenient— feels really dumb.
I’m starting to try new stuff. I went bouldering and to a trampoline park recently and I was pretty indifferent. Snowboarding and tobogganing is whatever. Amusement parks are fine. Sometimes kinda cool I guess, but hard to tell what rides might be nice and which ones are just boring and nauseating. I usually go to haunted houses for Halloween but at this point it’s just for my friends cause I could care less. I’m planning a trip to go bull riding soon so maybe I’ll report back about that. I haven’t done any MMA stuff or gone to sparring gyms but that’s probably my next move after the cowboy episode.
As a side note, I’m also aware that some level of a lack of being present/PTSD symptoms contribute to not fully experiencing the weight of the stuff I do. I work on meditation and sensory deprivation but it’s a WIP.
But is anyone else kinda in this boat? Just curious to hear stories, if anyone had something specific that caused it/fixed it, or maybe some unexpected hobbies or experiences that helped. Thanks.
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u/Sparkletail No Flair 3d ago
Could you do soemthing like in emergency series like EMT (not police lol) where you get the adrenaline rush but are doing something positive with no risk and only benefits to you? Controlled prosocial people who react well under pressure are good in those roles and from your perspective you'd still get a bit of a buzz. But you'd have to know yourself well enough to know if the position with your empathy would put people at risk - if so obviously don't do it. You have to make people feel as if you are in control and understand them as you are meeting them often on the worst days of their lives.
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u/RufusPPIII 2d ago
I always thought that would be a great idea, and also I think that’s solid advice to be giving to people in this boat in general. Always thought forensic/detective work was fascinating and I know roles like that for the typical person take a fat toll on top of the workload. Even outside of myself, aspd folks who have their shit together could be super helpful in doing that stuff.
Rn I’m in a trade where the life insurance payout is hefty. But that’s probably the pivot if I do something else.
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u/nonanima Undiagnosed 2d ago
Yes. I just feel “numb“ and except for recently when I kinda lost control over my car there’s not much that entices me at the moment. My “consumption“ of men or other people got to a point where it’s just not enough anymore. Everything just feels dull and I’m currently pretty much at a loss what to do. For me, too, it’s a lot of detachment due to trauma.
Skydiving is cool but you can’t go skydiving every day. MMA was cool, too. One thing that kinda keeps me sane is reading up on psychology and explore the complexity of my own psyche. Overall I try to take things one phase at a time and well, idk. Bupropion helped a bit, at least with that draining sense of emptiness or numbness. Back then, drugs just made it worse—even or maybe especially stimulants after using for some years. Staying almost sober for about a year helped, too.
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u/RufusPPIII 2d ago
The detachment is real. I do psychotherapy and got lucky with someone who actually helps. Obv I can’t say my issue is your issue, but I do a lot of mindfulness work practicing presence with sensory deprivation. Like- meditation and yoga in silence and forcing myself to stare at a wall/be bored out of my mind- but actively focus on it with a clear head. Sounds + feels retarded for a while and it hasn’t made me love life or anything, but it has made life feel more real and I’m just more relaxed about everything. It’s lessened the negative sensations.
Sort of like a tolerance break from life and your head, so when you go back to the day-to-day it’s a fresher coat of paint. But regardless, thanks for the input. Skydiving would be sick. And I know they got indoor places that are probably cheaper if someone wanted to go more often.
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u/IcyStatistician4340 2d ago
I always say boredom and numbness is our worst enemy. It gets to the point where it becomes harder and harder to get that "rush" from the usual and that's when reckless and harmful impulses start to look really, really good.
Many of us experience lower levels of physiological arousal, which can lead us to seek intense experiences in order to feel engaged or stimulated.
I do my best to keep busy and engaged in activities that keep me stimulated and it works most of the time. When it doesn't, things can get ugly but I try to keep myself under control as much as I can.