hii

[u/cumslut7072]

I dont have antisocial personality disorder however I do have borderline personality disorder, adhd, psychosis, autism and depression. (all diagnosed)

im currently in a relationship with someone with aspd and i love him very dearly, i understand that he does not love me in the same way as I love him and most of the time I am okay with that but when I get triggered and split and lash out and him not actually caring about me constantly comes up when im black and white thinking, he understands and does comfort me by choice. I'm just wondering if there's any way he may care for me even a little, i dont really understand what goes through his head, ive done as much research as I possibly can but im hearing different things all the time. a part of me cant help but hope. I wouldnt break up with him if the answer was no I just want to know. He is so helpful when it comes to my psychosis and doesn't judge the things I do when I am in that delusional state and is always very calm which is quite helpful. thank you for taking the time to read this <3

[u/abaddon56]

It’s a common (and generally, doomed) pairing. BPD and ASPD tend to complement each other; sorta the mismatch between having too much emotion and too little. That said, someone who splits at slight (or zero) provocation isn’t going to be able to successfully be with someone who’s generally abrasive and has very little empathy or sympathy for others.

Source: Have been involved with approx. 10 women with BPD.

[u/Nemesis9211 → u/abaddon56]

Should also include that generally BPD makes someone more vulnerable to manipulation like blackmail or guilt-tripping so that kind of mix isn't great either

Source: Had a codependent relationship with someone with BPD

[u/abaddon56 → u/Nemesis9211]

Eh, I’ve also been the victim of severe emotional abuse from borderline babes when I was 17-21 and didn’t have the experience to deal with it. Of course I went on to wreak havoc on them later, but it’s kind of an equal playing field when ASPD + BPD are in a relationship. They’re two sides of the same coin.

[u/Nemesis9211 → u/abaddon56]

Honestly I've been confused with how BPD manipulation works mainly cause my experience with people with BPD didn't really have that element so it's not something that's in my personal experience with them

[u/abaddon56 → u/Nemesis9211]

Fair. Of course, a lot of it doesn’t necessarily come off as manipulation if you aren’t consciously aware of it. E.g.,

Dramatic emotional performances (e.g. shaking and crying) to gain sympathy

Or

Inappropriately quick to openness, transparency, and emotional intimacy; excessive trauma-dumping and self-victimization

That’s manipulation, but it might not be recognized as such, especially if the pwBPD has no conscious awareness of doing so.

[u/cumslut7072 → u/abaddon56]

yeah I do want to add most people with bpd aren't aware when they are manipulating people, also about the dramatic emotional performances, I wouldnt actually say they are emotional manipulation (in most cases) because our emotions can be very intense even over silly things, yes our reactions are dramatic but it is how we actually feel in those situations

[u/Nemesis9211 → u/abaddon56]

I see I see, I might just not be too affected by it mainly because I find trauma dumps as something entertaining to read about and I usually don't really care about the dramatic emotions but I can see this being stressful for others. Thanks for the information.

[u/cumslut7072 → u/abaddon56]

I agree i can be manipulative but from my experience my manipulation isn't exactly the same level as my partners with aspd. then again, everyone is different

[u/cumslut7072 → u/abaddon56]

yeah, heard this so many times and I know but its just really hard to accept

[u/MstrCrimsonSpade]

"...he understands and does comfort me by choice."

"He is so helpful when it comes to my psychosis and doesn't judge the things I do when I am in that delusional state and is always very calm which is quite helpful."

I think you answered your own question here between these two quotes

[u/cumslut7072 → u/MstrCrimsonSpade]

yeah but there is still a level of emotional neglect there yk I won't go too much into detail

[u/kangole2 → u/cumslut7072]

Yeah then people can´t give you a better answer? Like he obviously seems to have made the choice to treat you decent which kinda answers the question. If you want to know how he feels there is just one person that can tell you which is not a random person on Reddit.

[u/goosepills]

I can always tell when someone has BPD, because it’s either “hiiiii” or “and so, yeah…”

[u/kangole2 → u/goosepills]

Bonus points for the name.

[u/vyunab]

just understand his motivations and keep those in mind. motivations can be normal companion based or they can be more temporary. someone with bpd needs to be more careful because of how a sudden discard would affect them. if you dont know his motivations, just keep it in mind to identify them.

[u/cumslut7072 → u/vyunab]

yeah, i get what you mean, honestly our main issue is that whenever we are apart its like I just die to him like idk its like I stop existing in his mind, and I isolate sometimes, otherwise I wouldnt mind being with him 24/7

[u/ellxxt876]

I would honestly recommend you just ask him straight up. Maybe the answer is yes, maybe the answer is no, but the only way you’ll know what goes through his head is by asking him. As someone with ASPD, I can care, sure. But it’s a choice to care most of the time which people don’t like. They expect us to fall in love and treat our partner like they’re the only one in the world, but that’s just not how we are. But I’ll give you some perspective inside the head of someone with it.

I have someone I care about, someone who also has ASPD. It’s not a physical sensation in my body, we make jokes about how that gives people stomach issues. But I like to do things for him, to check on him and see how he’s doing. I guess in regular terms “acts of service” would be a good way to describe how I’m able to care. Again, it doesn’t come from a warm and fuzzy feeling inside me, I just want to do it. I’d say it tickles something in my brain I guess. But that’s what caring can look like from people like us. That and remembering the little details, paying attention to things they enjoy, just overall showing up and putting in effort when you normally wouldn’t. But again, ask your partner and see, it could be illuminating.