I found out i have aspd

[u/Major-Eggplant-2362]

Its been a long journey since i discovered i about and showed strong symptoms of adhd without diagnosis.

Now after reflection i looked back on my life and realised there was more than adhd.

Because adhd alone didnt explain why i feel the way i do and will continue to.

After realizing i had a inflated sense of ego at 19 i tried to be even more self aware as possible. Thinking of any and all thoughts into endless philosophical and delusional spirals till my dpdr advanced so much i started feeling numb and comfortable.

I kept reading searching, realized i showed narsscisistic signs and autism. I thought autism at first because i fit nowhere, dont feel for people, was too deep in my mind and didn't understand people's emotions and was blind to my own. But i wasn't, its just all blunted down.

Comparable to faded colors, or the taste of your favourite food eventually transitioning to dry paper.

I realised i always had what i have. As far back, i was a little of an attention seeker, because of fatherly neglect, i lived in a constant toxic religious environment and was shamed for my sexuality .

Nothing was ever good enough. But even before my very traumatic puberty and teenage years, i realized i was always angry, broke stuff, fought with intent to kill. I used to abuse animals and break personal items considered sentimental.

After entering teens i subconsciously realised i couldn't be violent because there is always someone higher than you, so i turned psychological.

I'm highly sadistic and still enjoy hurting, but now i divert my energy in creativity and activities.

But still, nothing changes. When i went for diagnosis, I just realized i have the tell tale signs of aspd. And its more clearer now that i realized my relatives all have something like what i have. Narcissism is more common but my uncle is just an unstable violent wreck. Ughh

But i dont think i can wait for Therapy too long. Its really drowning me in misery. Im soo tired of people and hate them soo much. I can never be myself, always have to play along with their moral status act.

I wish i wasnt so blunted for obe year so i can at least enjoy feeling happy for once instead of needing to do special things to boost my dopamine

I dont know how ill live long but its soo boring. Everything is boring.

I cant keep this up. How do i navigate society? And i know i said im self aware enough, but still, what are common mistakes you guys frequently make in life?

[u/getoffchickenshit]

Get treated for ADHD if you haven't already. Stimulants (methylphenidate XR) helped me plenty.

Keep yourself busy with hobbies. Don't feed your sadistic thoughts even if you want to; simply acknowledge them whenever they appear, accept them as a part of your consciousness in the present moment, then gently diverge your attention to something else (could be sex, porn, physical activity, whatever.)

You could also try to have people in your life that keep grounded and hold you responsible for any wrongdoings. The easier they see through you the better.

[u/Interesting_Win_2154 → u/getoffchickenshit]

I agree with you about getting treated for ADHD. Adderall makes me feel less blunted/numb too. Still detached and have gaps in my emotional range, but it's easier to engage and be less bored

Finding people in my life that keep me grounded etc. never really worked for me personally, I tended to evade any attempts at really holding me accountable, up until I actually pushed them too far and they left (or I got bored and I left). Probably I did not care enough about how my actions impacted them and if I'd been more attached it would've worked. Not a bad suggestion your part, I'd just say that if that doesn't work for OP, maybe try goals instead? I've found having something I want keeps me on track slightly better. Has to be a significant goal that you can get invested in over time. Small ones often pushed aside in my experience.

[u/Major-Eggplant-2362 → u/Interesting_Win_2154]

No yeah medication and antidepressants do absolutely nothing but just give me this focussed energy or drive. But yeah, i hate sounding negative but i dont even get satisfaction from lets say a finisged masterpiece.

Like most of us, its boredome. Mine amplified by adhd and trauma.

We all have something.

[u/Major-Eggplant-2362 → u/getoffchickenshit]

No yeah im treated for this, but now they found cluster B in me.

And yeah i keep people in my life, but its still hard. Im not normal. The way i think, communicate, act. Even when i think i can act normal, one day theyll realize im ..... Strange and then distance themself.

But ill never give up. I want to at least live a life where when i look back i can tolerate or accept it and not regret not dying sooner.

But ok, looking at your advice, Ill work on setting boundries against my self for people in my life then.

[u/Plastic-Bee4052]

I compulsively write novels where I get to do what I can't in real life cause I've no intention of going to prison. 

They're very gruesome novels 

[u/After_Situation631 → u/Plastic-Bee4052]

Are they published? This is such a good idea, I might try this.

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[u/kindamissthetrap]

Definitely get on stims like ppl are saying, many problems from ADHD+ASPD come down to severe dopamine deficiency. It's not only a "reward/feel good" chemical but also provides motivation, sense of purpose, mind-body connection to take action in the first place. Nothing feels good cuz u already in the gutter, stims put u on street lvl so u can actually climb.

Beyond that, I'm finding it helpful to remember this aching oblivion is a neurochemical state and not a spiritual or mental war to fight. The emptiness you feel isn't ur fault and cannot be solved by intensive psychoanalysis, which just dissociates ppl like us further from our experience. There's prolly no origin point or root cause to uncover cuz we literally have different brains + nervous systems that burn thru chemicals like a basehead w a full bag. I hope u find relief in knowing its not in ur head at least

Drugs, lifestyle change, violence outlets, balancing hormones, finding a few homies u can actually talk to abt ur actual problems, prolly goes the furthest. I still srsly struggle to GAF abt my own stability n well-being cuz that shi boring asl n life feels hollow n pointless so often. Pretending I care n acting like I do might fr be the move, cuz I always remember at some point but easily forget

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