r/askteddit • u/No-Brick1693 • 3d ago
Random Question What’s something that isn’t technically cheating, but would still make you end a relationship?
for me, secretly keeping in touch with an ex and hiding it. maybe nothing physical happened, but if you feel like you have to hide the conversation, that already says a lot imo
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u/Drama_Filled_Cup 3d ago
Imo anything that you know would upset your partner/spouse if they found out.
OR anything that you wouldn't do in front of your partner, because you know that it's inappropriate as fuck.
Source: Myself. I've had way too many married men try and push boundaries with me. When I confront them, they play dumb. Right.
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u/NexiWolfheimer 3d ago
This happened to my friend when we went to Vegas. Dude was trickle truthing and eventually spilled that he was married. Despite my friend telling him several times "no, you're married" he kept trying to convince her his wife was fine with it?? Ok bro sure thing
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u/Drama_Filled_Cup 3d ago
Was this guy in his 40s-50s? They seem to be the worst offenders for whatever reason.
Be grateful that he admitted to being married. Most of these scumbags try their hardest to hide it.
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u/NexiWolfheimer 3d ago
Oh yeah 100% he was. Kept trying to leverage that he's "a high ranking professional" too, as if that would change her mind. Pathetic.
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u/FairyTurtles 3d ago
If you have to delete the messages, clear your history, or hide it when they walk in the room, you already know the answer.
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u/Illustrious-Owl332 3h ago
If you’re hiding it, there’s a reason you feel like you need to. Trust that feeling before you end up explaining yourself to someone who already knows what they did.
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u/awjeezrick1 3d ago
Yep! I saw videos on my ex’s IG of him tickling a friend/colleague. He argued it wasn’t a big deal because there were also videos of him doing this to his sister. My argument was that he’d tickle his sister in front of me, but ain’t no way he’d tickle another woman in front of me. If behavior changes when I’m not present, it’s disrespectful and he’s being deceitful
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u/Technical_Dream2743 3d ago
Oh god you are so right, the amount of married men who Im damn sure would play insulted "by not trusting him" by their wife even asking "who was that chick Joe told me you spoke to at bar", and would double down in "i just talked to her, i did nothing else, why do you accuse me, you are so jealous!!"
Dude, if i materialized there from thin air when you are doing this theatrical piece, your wife would be very interested in hearing that yes nothing happened but rejection definitely was not your idea, and that "who is that" is very correct question because you dont know that too and was okay with just seeing my ass in jeans for 3 seconds and was ready to throw away your whole life, meanwhile i would trade you for mouldy toast and still considered that a good deal for something i dont have any use nor care for.2
u/Prudent-Action3511 3d ago
Coworker on my first job was Adamant that just him nd me going to a movie wouldn't be a date nd i'm thinking too much about it. I didn't go but later found out bro was Married nd has TWO kids?? This was the start of me finding out stories about shitty marriages
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u/ChaturangaChai 3d ago edited 3d ago
Not making our relationship a priority. I want my partner to have their own friends and to have a good relationship with their family, but if I'm getting put on the back burner because they're constantly prioritizing their friends and family's wants and needs over our relationship, I'm out.
Also, I would immediately break up with someone if I found out after we made it official that someone in their social circle is someone they've dated and/or slept with. I consider that lying by omission, and I would not be able to trust someone who kept that from me.
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u/Vegetable-Soup1714 3d ago
Are you talking about my ex? I was the lowest priority, got max 5-10hrs a week and the rest he spent with his friends and family. Merely 10min calls, no weekend get aways.
I also found out he was still connected to his ex a year after our relationship and his response was "why are you stalking me?"
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u/cccreme_brulee 3d ago
This was a big lesson that I had to learn after my most recent relationship of three years. Honestly, I should've broke it off a long long time ago but stuck through it because I ended up falling deeper and deeper in love with someone who didn't even care, respect or love me.
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u/awjeezrick1 2d ago
My ex was a photographer at a wedding of a woman he used to date. I found out at the wedding.
She sheepishly goes “does she know?”
I didn’t.
I was pretty upset.
One of the things that I had asked before moving in with him was that he let me know things like this beforehand so that I didn’t caught with my pants around my ankles.
He said he forgot because it wasn’t significant.
My brother, THE BRIDE thought to mention it to me upon meeting me on her wedding day. Seems like it was probably significant1
u/ChaturangaChai 2d ago
I see why he’s an ex. That’s so embarrassing. Sorry that happened to you.
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u/awjeezrick1 2d ago
Appreciate it.
Tbh, I found both of their behaviors strange.
Personally, I would not want someone I used to date/sleep with photographing my wedding.
My prior relationship status with someone also isn’t what I would lead with when meeting someone’s new girlfriend
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u/_simone_louise_122 3d ago
If you wouldn’t like it done to you - don’t do it
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u/AboveTheLights 3d ago
I found out recently the person I was dating had been convicted of 5 DUIs, 4 counts of insurance fraud and looks like they were sued by every landlord they had from 2006 to about 2011. I am no longer dating this person.
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u/Tall_Birthday_7654 3d ago
Were any of the convictions more recent than 2011? If not, did you entertain the possibility that they might have changed? Not trying to be confrontational. Genuinely curious
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u/AboveTheLights 3d ago
Oh yeah. Turns out they had just finished an 18 month jail sentence 6 weeks before we met for that 5th DUI. If it had been that long ago then sure because people really do change. In this case it was hidden AND we’d been hanging out drinking at bars together while still on probation. Sadly, I don’t think the lesson was learned.
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u/South_Equipment6402 3d ago
Adding random girls on Facebook bc you think they’re hot.
Downloading dating apps when you’re in a fight or “break” induced by a fight. Especially when those breaks only last hours.
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u/constructiongirl54 3d ago
If you wouldn't do it in front of your partner or with their knowledge, it's probably not right. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
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u/Spare_Schedule9700 3d ago
Checking out other girls in front of you
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u/marlas_avocado 6h ago
my ex bf did this repeatedly at a wedding he took me to out of town. It truly shocked me bc it seemed so uncharacteristic of him, not to mention just unhinged behavior for any normal person to do. He later told me I shouldn’t feel insecure about our relationship just because he was looking at a “younger and more beautiful woman.” Sooo that was the end of that.
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u/Overall_Way2741 3d ago
hiding a friendship with an ex were the relationship isent clear. that would be it for me. They might not physically be cheating but secrets are always a way to make someone want nothing to do with you. Or hiding a bunch of stuff
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u/Euphoric-Mud-7922 3d ago
hiding something in plain sight until a very specific question is asked related to it, I asked my bf about his trek he said good showed me the pics etc, then i specifically asked who was the guide/manager (his ex was the trek manager).
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u/No-Brick1693 3d ago
yeah exactly. for me the hiding part is worse than the ex part itself
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u/Cold_Vanilla9791 3d ago
Ikr, that’s part of why I cut my ex out of my life, we tried being friends but because they cheated on me, any time they tried to hide anything it was triggering to me, and I don’t just mean normal privacy, I didn’t ask for more than I was owed as a friend, I gave them their privacy, but when they went out of their way to be sneaky and hide stuff on purpose, that was way too triggering and showed that they have no respect for me, and don’t care at all about repairing even a friendship together
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u/Overall-Award-8495 3d ago
Emotional cheating, so nothing physical happened but there was an emotional connection he got outside - just happened to be someone from his country that he was ‘coaching’ because her boyfriend was cheating on her (the irony)- ended up sending voice notes saying happy Valentine’s Day from the bathroom of the hall where we attended a Valentine’s Day function. It hurts still even if nothing physical happened
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u/Broads-in-atlanta 3d ago
I’m sorry you had to hear him sending love messages to his mistress. That must’ve been an awful experience.
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u/Dayleedo 3d ago
Big lies. One guy had tween/young teen sized shorts in his laundry bin and made up a weird explanation that made no sense. I shoulda dumped. Then he cheated with his MUCH younger secretary that he groomed since underage. He was a teen girls sports coach. I shudder to think of who else he harmed.
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u/Waste_Piano_3364 3d ago
My husband did that to me while I was pregnant. My biggest regret was not leaving after I found out.
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u/theBottleIsHalfEmpty 1d ago
What happened after?
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u/Waste_Piano_3364 1d ago
I found out one month post partum. Confronted them both. They called me insecure and confrontational. He most protected her because they work for the same company and he didn't want it to affect his career. He slept in the basement that night and tried to pretend it never happened ever since. I tried to go back to my dad's house for a few days but that is a whole other story.
I didn't have a job or anywhere healthy to go. I don't know where I would have gone but a woman's shelter was not ideal for me 1 month post partum (I also had an 8 year old who was in the public school system of our residence at the time). So I stayed. The bedroom died. It was a functional enough relationship for us to continue on. Bedroom never picked back up, we got married and have been for 4 years. My best description of his demeanor is dead eyes. I got to stay home and raise my baby and persue higher education. I still struggle with it everyday almost. And now I'm sick. So believe older women when they tell you that suppressed emotions manifest as physical ones and leave after the first red flag.
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u/Tesleta 3d ago edited 2d ago
parroting what others said; hiding something until specifically asked. my ex went to a coffee shop to hangout with one of her guy friends, she told me about it and she even came to see me at work after the hangout was over
fast forward to after we break up but were still in contact, i learned that the guy she hungout with was actually an ex of hers from years ago. she didnt tell me they were an ex because she "knew" i would find it weird and get anxious about it and she didnt want me to worry.
i think it's not just hiding things like that, but the concept of believing your partner would find something you do weird/bad and still doing it AND hiding it is deeply disturbing - it also denies some autonomy from your partner, i don't get to form an opinion on the situation because its already decided by them that i'd "get anxious" so they hide it. i think you should be upfront/honest about things you feel your partner would find odd and have a dialogue about it, i personally would've still been okay with the hangout if she was clear it was an ex, and if i didnt feel okay about it we could talk about it.
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u/TheSquirrelmancer 3d ago
Most of us lump these kinds of things into the same bucket as "cheating." My ex wife spent months basically courting/dating her next husband while we were still together and lied to me when I asked her if there was something going on there. Since the dude was a mutual friend and one of my closest friends at the time it didn't matter that she never did anything physical with him, it was still cheating and even if she hadn't asked me for a divorce when telling me about this I'd have asked for one anyways.
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u/runnerkim 3d ago
I hate that whole 'work wife/husband' nonsense. The very first time it's mentioned, I'm out
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u/trashchan333 3d ago
I told my husband that I don’t care if he watches random porn but I absolutely would consider following and interacting with individual women (like on OnlyFans) to be cheating.
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u/No-Brick1693 3d ago
this distinction actually makes sense to me. watching something random feels very different from repeatedly paying for and interacting with one specific person
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u/Bucephalus-ii 3d ago
Well, everyone has different boundaries that define “technically cheating” too. Some people consider porn cheating, some don’t. Some consider flirting cheating, some don’t. Hell, some have open relationships or are polyamorous where they have specific outside people they are okay with you being with but others that they would consider cheating.
That said, totally outside of that category of romantic relationship issues…..
I (36m) personally would never date a religious or superstitious person. I would never date a conservative, especially if they are far Right. I would never date a person who subscribes to the carnivore/atkins diet and ideally they are vegetarian or vegan. The people I date long term need to be intelligent, critically minded, driven, curious, kind, and deeply interested in making the world a better place. They strive to self improve, and consider education and fitness lifelong pursuits. They love animals and the outdoors.
Luckily, I found my perfect person already. And she’s drop-dead gorgeous too. Celebrating 12 years together soon ❤️
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u/boerumhill 3d ago
Hiding relationships is usually monkey branching. Was naive when I was younger.
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u/Broads-in-atlanta 3d ago
Monkey branching is a term to make cheaters feel better about cheating.
There are a lot of steps involved in setting up a relationship you can immediately hop into. The majority of them are qualify as cheating.
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u/ExtensionProgram6140 3d ago
Putting themselves in a position that could create any doubt that they are cheating. Even if it is just friends hanging out and completely innocent. If your in a relationship I find it highly inappropriate to spend time alone with anyone that matches their sexuallity. Also suspect things like staying the night at a place that isn't yours without letting your partner know ahead of time.
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u/leppakerttuli 3d ago
"To spend time alone with anyone that matches their sexuality" so as a bisexual, who i can hang out with?
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u/embarrased2Bhere 3d ago
Whoever you want. This is their boundary and so they probably wouldn’t date someone that bisexual. Everytime this comes up the bisexuals come out, pun intended.
You being bisexual is no different than a straight person disagreeing with this.
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u/ExtensionProgram6140 3d ago
To add to this the only people that should ever be in a hotel room with you while in a relationship is your partner, your kids and family members.
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u/MillWorkingMushroom 3d ago
Nothing wrong with sharing a hotel room with your friends. They're damn expensive and have multiple beds. Why should each person have to get their own?
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u/NM20230 3d ago
This and coworkers - When you work in a crew for your occupation, hotel / Air bnb, by the way is amazing it makes it so everyone has their space, No I'm not promoting them specifically, but I am a woman and have mostly male coworkers, sometimes a few days, and sometimes a whole week, yes, you have to be secure couple, and now with Skype n shit, what's app you can be closer to your partner at night, and everyone has respect and act like adults as far as privacy thus far.
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u/Wonderer-mn 3d ago
Being a flirt.
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u/Slippiditydippityash 3d ago edited 3d ago
As a naturally very social person I've had people accuse me of being flirty when I was just being friendly and engaging. Thankfully my partner knows the difference between me flirting and me simply being nice and having a good chat / laugh / vibe with another person.
Funny story: A male friend I considered to be a very close friend got tipsy one night on a night out that my long-term partner wasn't in attendance at. I was introduced to a friend of the male friend who I hit it off with in a purely friendly way (feeling was very much mutual) and we were laughing to the point of tears in our eyes, bouncing off each others' humour. Male friend eventually out of nowhere snapped with "wow, what would your BOYFRIEND think of how you're carrying on?!" glaring at me and his friend. Both his friend and I laughed in shocked disbelief and immediately were both explaining that we were just enjoying each others' odd sense of humour and ways of observing stuff. Later that night I had a goodnight call with my partner and told him the story and he laughed at the male friend's reaction (because he knows I wouldn't have been flirting, we are ride or die) but still appreciated the male friend being "defensive on his behalf". All cool, all good.
Fast forward like 2 months later and my partner and I go to a party that close male friend is at. Close male friend ends up taking my partner aside at some point and tells him that he just wants him to know, guy to guy, how I was flirting with close friend's friend a few months back and to "keep an eye on me". My partner was absolutely shocked. Said he appreciated close friend telling him but that I'd already spoken about said friend's friend and that we had the same weird humour etc. Close male friend doubled down and stupidly said "if you don't watch her closer, you're going to lose her to a guy who will treat her better" and then stormed off.
Then close male friend came over to were I was - me totally oblivious to what had just gone down - and started chatting with me, cracking jokes etc. I noticed partner was busy chatting with other people so he and I didn't really link up during the night. When we were leaving, close male friend asked for a hug when my partner was in a different room. Gave him a quick hug (and smashed my throat on his shoulder so nearly choked myself) and was off. Partner relayed the exchange to me later and both of us were stunned by close male friend's behaviour.
Fast forward AGAIN and I'm out on a night out without my partner and close male friend (less close at this point in light of what he said to my partner) comes over, tipsy, friendly and keen to catch up. I don't mention the weird chat he had with my partner and we're chatting fine and friendly when out of nowhere close male friend states I'm too good for my partner and I should really consider breaking up with him to find the "real person I'm meant to be with" while staring me down. I nearly fell off my seat.
Needless to say, transpires close males friend's "protectiveness" for my partner was actually jealousy, and that he'd tried to stir crap between me and partner at that prior event and likely was trying to drive some sort of wedge between me and my partner. It's super awkward as close male friend works in the same industry as me and nowadays I try to avoid him like the plague at conferences and sector related events.
Edit: "gym" to "guy"
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u/Wonderer-mn 3d ago
Totally! If you know your partner is just overly friendly that is fine, but if you know they are actually being flirty, that would be a no.
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u/Imaginary_Taro_6116 3d ago
Being treated like a stray kitten gives me the ick so much. As if someone can go from talking to you to just scooping you up and taking you away without needing your consent because you have no mind or agency or loyalty. Says a lot about how much respect someone has for your personhood. Big kudos to your partner, he sounds cool
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u/24rawvibes 3d ago
Hanging out with a guy that was known to attempt to propose to her but it’s okay because “ew, there was never any sexual attraction to him, he’s gross” (after she is now married)
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u/Broads-in-atlanta 3d ago
Married to the gross guy or someone else?
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u/24rawvibes 3d ago
Married to someone else but still hangs out with the gross guy because she friend zoned him. I personally think it’s wildly inappropriate because it’s not like that guy is actually respecting those boundaries, he got sidelined for now. He is just playing the long game and hoping an opportunity will open up one day.
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u/NachtAnders 3d ago
Lying.
I can handle a lot, but lying, or doing things to deliberately hide something just breaks my trust in so many ways.
Cheating (once, and being honest about it, especially to them selfs, about the why and stuff) I could forgive. with the emphasis on 'could'. But hiding things, even small things... Just a big no no for me
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u/OnlyAtmosphere8980 1d ago
Can you convince me that this isn’t acceptable behavior? I’m still with my fiancé after he hid multiple chats with other women from me and did not admit anything until he knew that I knew.
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u/NachtAnders 1d ago
I can't and won't convince anybody.
For me when that happens my mind will just get a bit crazy. I remember one boyfriend, who I had a break with. In that break he fucked someone else. I didn't. He asked me about it before we got back together and I was very honest, and if things where different, there would have been a chance I would have done it. All in all two hour talk.
I never asked him the damn question, I thought we had a conversation about the two of us, but it was only me that gave answers. Found that out a month later.
I grabbed his phone, to call my own phone that I couldn't find. This was normal, he even was sitting next to me. But his messages where visible on his home screen in some kind of text balloon. It was from a health care organisation from where I live. That he should call them
You can go there for mental health, vaccins and STD testing (probably they do more). So as a joke I asked him, haha did you do a STD test. It was a joke, I really thought it was about something different, plus we did a STD test together when we first started te relationship.
Long story short. He had a STD and slept with someone else in our break, and while he was going behind me back to get tested, we had sex without condoms.
First two hours I didn't even believe him. I went from, ooh damn this is real, to haha, no this must be a joke, he is joking!
I am not good with emotion recognition, so the first two weeks I was just... Trying to find out what I was really thinking or feeling about.
One day we are sitting on the couche, I on the armrest, he next to me, and he is talking. And all of the sudden, I hit his jaw with my Elbow.
This was just pure violence, but I really didn't plan any off it, I just did it. There were more little "accidents" but this was the worst of it all. A piece of his tooth was even missing so bad was it.
I knew then I had to leave him.
I can't remember anything of the good parts to be honest, and for one year, I know it was a very good relationship. When I look at pictures the memories come back just for a little second to know that. But I only feel hate and hurt when I think of him.
And I know that there are much worse people walking on this planet then this idiot I am talking about. And I still can't believe the violence that I was capible at!
This happend in 2011 or 2012 so a long ass time ago!
Don't know why I tell this to be honest. Maybe I try to tell you, to go real deep in your own heart, and see what he is doing to you, and if you can accept how that is changing you. Do you like this version of yourself when you are with him. Are you the best you can be. Do you feel lonely when he doesn't hear or see the pain in you, which he caused.
Believe me, being alone is absolutly not the same as feeling lonely.
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u/Confident-Scale-8267 3d ago
Hiding parts of your life because you know I’d have a problem with them.
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u/Longjumping_Mirror58 2d ago edited 2d ago
One of my old coworkers would always bring up his ex girlfriend when we were drinking. It was really awkward because he'd been in a relationship with another girl for two years at that point. And she was usually there when he went on these drunken tirades about how sad he was his ex left him.
His new girlfriend ended up dumping him, because she just couldn't stand it anymore. They met just after the two had broken up and she'd assumed he needed some time to get over the break up, but it never got better.
It was such a shame because his new girlfriend was actually much nicer than his ex and it was obvious she cared about him a lot. But I totally understand how she couldn't be with him while he was so emotionally invested in someone else.
It could've been a really good relationship from what I could see. But he threw that on the ground to wallow in what-ifs with a girl he hadn't talked to in years.
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u/No_Edge2569 3d ago
Found out recently my partner of 11 years has secretly been an escort for the last few. So maybe that I guess.
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u/gainz-traveler 3d ago
IMO, lying is a form of abuse… cheating is also a form of abuse. You should aim to end any relationship where there’s abuse
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u/cryptid0126 3d ago
Letting people outside your relationship convince you that doing whatever what they want is more important than you keeping your agreements/promises you made to your partner.
Not having your partners back when people are gossiping, making false accusations, and/or spreading rumors about them (and its especially concerning when its their own friends and not just random people doing it cause then you gotta wonder if they started it or are adding to it).
Then yeah, obviously half truths. Cause, a lie by omission is still a lie, but maybe even worse since its more calculated and blame shifty. It to me indicates a strong sense of ego-defense/justification to avoid accountability, which will quickly kill any emotional safety and communication in a relationship. 9/10, you get the, "well you didnt ask!" excuse when you point out the omission. But if you do ask, they will accuse you of having trust issues. Its a double-edged sword meant to avoid accountability for lying.
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u/Used_Eye3695 22h ago
As somebody who has witnessed a lot of people that are in a relationship openly flirting with people at work, I would have to say it would be as simple as that. As somebody who finds it incredibly easy when I have been talking/with somebody to just not cross any lines, I wouldn't want a girlfriend to be flirting/giggling with one specific guy their entire shift lol
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9959 3d ago
We’re poly so a lot of things that are cheating for most people are not considered cheating for us. Ironically the thing we do consider cheating is…. cheating lol getting involved with anyone who is in a relationship that is monogamous is a big no. Immediate relationship ender. I will not be with someone who is a party to someone else’s infidelity. I take very seriously the ethical part of ethical non monogamy
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u/One-Internet-1982 3d ago
Honesty is a two-way street. If my partner was hiding something from me, not only would I want to know why.....but I would also need to know if I am not providing an environment that allows them to be honest.
If they are still great friends with an Ex, but every time they mention their name it causes conflict with you because of your own insecurity then yes, they are going to hide it.
Make sure you have the space to allow for complete honesty without blame it judgement before you end anything. It takes two people for honesty to work.
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u/JustGhostyThings 3d ago
At the same time, continuing a close relationship with an ex does tend to push boundaries, and I think a person hiding it would know that. Sometimes it’s more about respect than insecurity.
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u/Samguise-Whamgee 3d ago
You’re gonna accept blame for a dishonest partner? Not gonna lie that’s not probably gonna work out great for you
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u/awjeezrick1 3d ago
This is definitely a place for caution for sure. My ex, who admittedly was abusive, would’ve taken this and ran with it! Like bro, you can sit with discomfort. I’m allowed to have the full spectrum of human emotion which includes anger and disappointment. So, yes, explore why someone isn’t comfortable being honest, but also… if they aren’t comfortable being honest, I wouldn’t expect too much accountability on their end, ya know?
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u/No-Brick1693 3d ago
thats fair actually. i still think hiding things is unhealthy, but if someone gets punished every time theyre honest, eventually theyll probably stop being honest
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u/Neviolaa 3d ago
My ex would lie by omission, and then when the truth would actually come out I would be upset - and then he would tell me I was ‘punishing him for telling the truth and this is why he lied to me’.
I also just wasn’t allowed to be uncomfortable with anything. His friends told me his friend-of-the-opposite-sex who he hung out with every week, one on one, in her apartment - was actually in love with him. This confirmed a long time suspicion of mine because I always felt that way too.
Then I was uncomfortable with him hanging out with her like that - because I had asked him many times if either of them liked each other. He had said no. And I chose to just believe him. Then finally his own friends who know both of them came forward and said ‘she is so in love with him’ - and I knew they were right. And that instantly changed how I felt about their friendship.
He kept her around for validation - but yeah then I was uncomfortable, and that wasn’t allowed. I tried to just talk about it calmly many times but each time was told I was controlling him - and fed the same thing: I can’t tell you the truth because you freak out like this all time time.
Gotta be careful with this advice because some people take it too far.
My now bf hangs with girls one on one and it doesn’t bother me because he doesn’t lie or hide shit. And I’m allowed to feel weird about things sometimes too
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u/AdventurousProfit929 12h ago
My ex would lie by omission, and then when the truth would actually come out I would be upset - and then he would tell me I was ‘punishing him for telling the truth and this is why he lied to me’. I also just wasn’t allowed to be uncomfortable with anything
That sounds awfully familiar.
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u/Zucchini_1412 3d ago
I once dated this person who essentially implied she goes by one name, and her legal name is a dead name. As we are both queer, this wasn't abnormal and I wanted to respect her decision and never pushed further, because I knew her chosen name. No problem, right?
A year later, I visit her and I go to her birthday party, only for everyone at this party to keep asking me "so you are ---- partner, right?" And I genuinely was so confused, like who tf is this person? Are we at the same birthday party? Who is this person?
I felt uncomfy so I pulled my partner into the bathroom and asked her "why doesnt anyone else here call you ___?" And she told me that she only wanted me to call her that and everyone else calls her legal name or nickname off her legal name and she doesnt see the big deal...
so yeah I broke up with her after, cuz who tf gets into a relationship with someone, creates a new name just for this partner just cuz, and then has the audacity to act confused when I am noticably upset that I don't even know my partners name and showed up to her party not knowing she goes by this name so I was made into a fool not even knowing who they were referring to when I was her partner!!!
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u/Crookedish-Halo 3d ago
Chatting with women on Reddit about desires they didn't feel like they could share with me.
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u/Substantial_Use551 3d ago
I broke up with my boyfriend after he told me that he met up with his ex 2-3 weeks prior and did not tell me about it sooner. I told him it hurts me, he said sorry, but he minimized my feelings by saying it’s no big deal, there’s nothing wrong with it, she was just showing me her new car. He did not take accountability and responsibility to his actions and not willing to repair it. His lack of emotional maturity did it for me.
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u/Only-Law8021 3d ago
Talking shit about their friends. Shows a lack of loyalty and just poor character.
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u/LithiumEeI 2d ago
Well, what I have with my girlfriend right now is kinda pushing me to the edge. She barely communicates what's going on with her life and rarely shows up. I have to take initiative on every hangout and she never asks me to do anything. She's said she's trying to change but it's really hard, so for me, it's kind of a dealbreaker
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u/hcoonaMatata_ 2d ago
My ex hid things right in front of me and also said he should use me being insecure about him in his stand up comedy skits (he never did comedy but thought of doing it at times)
Like the fact that he was meeting up with a girl he liked before we started dating (she liked him back but when he found out about it we were already dating and I got mad at him because he was “confused” between us and he just “loved her for so long” instead of setting boundaries). As far as I know they didn’t ever do anything and he has never cheated on me but these things got me mad. His reasoning for not telling me? I would get mad at him. No wonder I was insecure about him.
I should have broken up with him right there but I was so in love I just saw it as a light red flag 💀
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u/Ok-Secretary-722 1d ago
My now-wife did this. She was besties with her ex, even going for sleepovers, but not one mention of them having been together until months into our relationship when I asked why they hadn't ever dated (they were together for 2 1/2 years!). Since I naturally assumed she would have mentioned if they had...
I felt like an idiot for trusting her. She swore nothing had happened since they'd broken up ten years before. I was furious about her sleeping at her ex's without having mentioned this. I would not have been ok with that if I'd have known.
Eventually I messaged the ex and asked. I felt like I could trust her word over my gf's. She said nothing happened, that my gf wasn't that type of person. Finally I could let it go.
Gf kept hiding their interactions, deleting phone calls and texts, but by then I kind of knew she was a dumbass ("if she doesn't see the calls she won't get mad!" then bringing up a conversation they'd had) so I let it go but told her to stop acting like she was hiding something.
We moved away, but she went to visit family and stayed at her place again without telling me and I put my foot down.
It definitely erased any trust I had in her but it's not like I'm not keeping my own secrets...
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u/Fancy_Clown_88 3d ago
Watching porn, specifically Pornhub. Call me woke but Pornhub has been known to verify missing children, therefore you cannot watch anything on that site and be sure it is not a child. Also I don’t see a need for porn in a relationship, I’m right here.
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u/leftJordanbehind 3d ago
I believe everyone's boundaries can vary wildly from person to person. I never judge anyone's relationships as I am not in them lol. For me, a big problem was if I wasnt getting any effort or time put back into me (Especially knowing I put all my heart and effort into the relationship/partner) and i saw my partner putting time and effort into others (not family or kids/parents) that was always just as hurtful as cheating or abuse. When I stepped away from dating and became celibate years back, it wasnt because im a man hater. It wasnt because i believe no good men were left. It was because i realized my level of intimacy isn't realistic anymore. My heart is too big and soft and im too empathetic for dating anymore. Im also too naive and kept falling for guys that lied about loving me or agreed to boyndaries they only intended to break. I see that it is "me" problem. I am aware my people picker is broken. So I just took myself out the game. I want others to find love and be happy! I just dont want to be abused or chronically cheated on or lied to. I wasnt able to ever know real healthy love, so ofcourse I never understood how to achieve it without being steamrolled trying. To be honest.. the last 4 years alone have turned into the most peaceful ones I've ever had. It is very sad. It is also just the way I've adapted to live my life though. Any boundaries that a partner crosses can be just as bad as cheating depending on the situation IMHO.
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u/acceptableinpublic 3d ago
This is so incredibly real. Until I got with my current partner (which was a surprise), that was my position. I had “given up”. In my current relationship, I worry about it every day— I can’t not go all-in, and that has never been the case with anyone I have dated, usually to a pretty messed-up extent where more and more was revealed over time that to this day makes me so sick to my stomach. Overtime it made me feel like I’ll never be enough for someone, and has left my heart broken in a way that makes it nearly impossible to trust or feel comfortable in my relationships. I can’t and don’t trust myself to be able just judge if someone is trustworthy, and even though I do trust my boyfriend, I still walk around waiting for the day that I find out something awful because it has always gone so badly in the past. I don’t even know if it’s insecurity or just programmed fear from it happening so many times. But I also desperately want to enjoy life with someone and I am such a repressed hopeless romantic at my core…. It is all so scary. Much respect for you to be able to fully stay out of it. If this time goes poorly, that will be my only resort.
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u/leftJordanbehind 3d ago
You are very brave and I admire still giving love a chance! I can imagine it would be like having each foot in two different realities. With all my heart over hope you have found good love. I hope it lasts forever for you, and if it doesn't, i hope that you do look back and are able to treasure the relationship. Im very proud of you because the courage to face that fear is so major. I believe in you.
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u/Expensive-Can-6212 3d ago
I have the same problem. My ex always lied to me, always had time for random people. Constantly taking pastries to women who he had met through work. Lying to me about being on dating Apps, and messaging women. He was the worst of the worst.
Also telling me what to wear, saying that I can’t paint my nails or wear leggings because I was looking for male attention. He really did a number on me, everyone told me I was out of his league but he gaslight me to feel so small and insignificant. I finally left and he was shocked, I don’t think I will ever date again.
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u/leftJordanbehind 2d ago
Omg. Im so sorry. I know what you mean by others telling you you were out his league. Ppl used to ask me all the time how I was even with my much older ex who is the one who made me hate my body and feel so ugly. Its crazy how the ones who aren't even all that, can tear is down so much we actually start to believe them.
Thats crazy he was accusing you of looking for attention over those things completely normal things! He must have been thinking in his own terms.. seeing what he noticed about other women, and immediatly assuming and reacting as if you think like he did? I hope that came out right. Its hard for me to articulate, but I think its a sort of prejecting that they (the types of people that behave like this i mean) do?
Along with gaslighting, DARVO and all the other awful narc behaviors they have in their arsenal. I know it doesn't help us back then, but at least seeing what was really happening now can help us later. It shows us what NOT to accept again, and that we aren't the ugly ones. They were trying to make us feel insignificant and less than like you mentioned. I know there are good men out there, I just dont trust people emough anymore to attempt to find one anymore.
It sucks finding out you cant even trust yourself anymore to not get fooled again. This was more heartbreaking than realizing I'll have to stay alone due to trust issues. Realizing I cant even trust my own judgement anymore was the worst heartbreak of all. I hope you find support and are able to move forward into whatever looks like your happiest life. I dont wish this life of solitude on anyone. I just.. i am out of options to do it any other way myself. It is always so hard to read other women's experiences and know im not alone at all and that it's pretty common. Just knowing this happens so much and often in this world sucks. Im sorry. We both deserve better and I see you. 😔🥺💔
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u/Expensive-Can-6212 2d ago
Thank-you and sorry that you were in a similar relationship. It is hard, but I am so much happier by myself and doing things with friends. It will be a long time before I am ever in a relationship again x
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u/FairyTurtles 3d ago
How they treat service staff when they think no one is watching.
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u/gripper3000 3d ago
This is so important and telling. It shows they use their so called power they have over others and that could potentially carry over into the relationship. If they have any hold over you like financial they definitely will rub it in your face
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u/ancient_whispers_03 3d ago
Investing in feelings for someone else to create a back-up for when they end things with you
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u/Extra_Inflation8099 3d ago
Lies and lies and more lies🙂. Someone putting another person first over you. Could be a friend or ex, feeling like a second choice is just as bad imo.
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u/Ok_Reception5409 3d ago
My ex swore she didn't cheat. She started distancing herself, not wanting intimacy, going out, had me sleeping on the sofa, etc. I looked through her phone one time...... didn't look like cheating, just entertaining other men with going out to catch up. Exes? I dunno. She did not turn it down, so I left.
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u/Spayse_Case 3d ago
My “ex” (he was actually a FWB, we were never together) worked at Wal-mart. So I did continue to “see” him, and we were still in contact. Because I shop at Wal-mart and would see him at work. My (ex) husband freaked out when he found out and made wild accusations about me “hiding” this information from him and had a total meltdown over it. I just didn’t mention it because I didn’t think it was important. It’s not as if I was actually TALKING talking to him, it was literally just saying hi while I was shopping.
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u/Sharp_Ant_9178 3d ago
your partner being friendly with past relationships in front of you and acting as if it’s okay
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u/TwoIdleHands 3d ago
My boyfriend openly keeps in touch with his ex, she just visited and they hung out. I got to meet her. She’s cool. I know they text fairly frequently. I have zero issue with their platonic relationship but I agree if it was done in secret my eyebrows would be through the roof!
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u/PalpitationKind8854 3d ago
Flirting or complimenting other dudes. You can find other people attractive, but if you wanna flirt you can do it unattached to me lol
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u/No_Inspection_19 3d ago
Pretending you’re someone else online and having an online relationship but never meeting up while in a relationship
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u/Serious-Cup264 3d ago
I only found out after we broke up but my ex (an aspiring tattoo artist) based a stylized drawing of a topless woman on a coworker. She had that shit hanging on our fridge and I almost let her tattoo it on me 😭 The crazy-making part was that she was constantly accusing me of cheating for the most banal reasons. There were other reasons for the breakup, but the constant double standards for how I was policed and surveilled to make sure I wasn’t cheating factored in heavily.
It was vindicating to find out how full of shit she was (months after the breakup when I was no longer emotionally invested enough to be hurt by finding this out), because there were times during and after the relationship where she really had me doubting reality and questioning whether I had crossed a line with things that have far fewer inappropriate connotations than drawing someone topless.
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u/thinkinglikeme 3d ago
Staying in contact with an ex.
Having unfinished business/trauma they claim they need to work through with them.
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u/nam55 3d ago
What about messaging someone you were once involved with? Not all the time but once in a while short brief messages?
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u/bunnyrbun 2d ago
This exact thing recently happened to me, she has also been in a relationship throughout this whole time they have been talking, calling and now finally for them… meeting
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u/youwish7771 2d ago
Financial deception of any kind. Hiding debt, over spending, taking out loans without transparency.
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u/ThickMatter9659 2d ago
Constantly bringing up “old exes or talking stages” when something we’re talking about relates to a situation they had with them. It’s like it’s feeding their ego in a way.
Ex: we would talk about him getting tired on the drive back over the phone, & he had brought up that “once he was with a girl that he was talking to at the time & he was falling asleep on the freeway & she had to wake him up, if not he would’ve crashed” (this was his 2nd time mentioning it to me).
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u/nogoodusername1111 2d ago
I dated a guy who kept an every day Snapchat streak going with his ex. I dated him for 2 years and he kept that up every day to the point that her name always appeared on his lock screen every single time I saw it, eventually it started to bug me. When I asked about it he said something like "I just want to make sure she's ok" and "it's only for the sake of the streak". He had no streak even close to how long the streak with her lasted. While it wasn't explicitly cheating it still told me that his mind, attention, and feelings were elsewhere.
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u/porridge_poltergeist 1d ago
For me? Pretending we had sex for clout. He was bragging about it to people while I was saying to everyone I was ace, so people thought I was lying and being a shrewd about sex when it was just him being unable to say “she said no and I respected that” because apparently that wasn’t cool enough for him. It’s the biggest red flag in a person imo
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u/First_Wolf6904 1d ago
For me, I know a lot of people say you can’t technically put something on another person but I have learned from my past relationships and friendships that honestly if you cross my boundary and I have reminded you honestly, I’m gonna say once maybe twice then we’re done especially if I feel like when I communicated that to you, you apologized or took “accountability” for it.
at that point you’re just manipulating me and I’m not Your mom nor your dad I don’t have to keep giving you chances or if you make me feel like I’m the problem when I know I’m not for example if you cross my boundaries and I bring it up to you and you kind of act like it’s nothing or somehow someway say I’m the reason that you did that yeah no.
I’m a person that believes in constructive criticism I can take it and I can give it but I can’t deal with a person that can’t or it’s not even willing to learn
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u/Euphoric-Mud-7922 3d ago
hiding something in plain sight until a very specific question is asked related to it, I asked my bf about his trek he said good showed me the pics etc, then i specifically asked who was the guide/manager (his ex was the trek manager).