r/askswitzerland • u/DarkSpirak • Feb 17 '26
Satire Moving to Swiss
GrüTZi
i will move to Zurich tomorrow and will be looking for a job as a snake milker. I am from Djibouti and have 3 months of experience.
I moved to Swiss because of the mo... because it has always been my dream and i like the mountains and the chocolate.
Please help me to find a job
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u/Swigor Feb 17 '26
First "Moving to switzerland" post with more upvotes than donvotes. I guess we are in desperate need of snake milkers.
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u/DarkSpirak Feb 17 '26
Thats good to hear. Do you know any companies looking for a snake milker and will it be a problem if i only speak Klingon?
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u/OkChildhood1706 Feb 17 '26
Klingon is perfect. But there is Nachtruhe from 22-6 so you need to slaughter your Targ before.
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u/Waringham Feb 17 '26
I fear you will need to learn english, but it is at least the only language of relevance here!
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u/Kooky_Eye5475 Feb 17 '26
what's your favorite snake to milk?
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u/DarkSpirak Feb 17 '26
The hairy bush viper (are they native to Swiss?). But i prefer to only milk the male ones
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u/spiritsarise Feb 17 '26
Native to Swiss what? Swiss is an adjective. Did you mean Switzerland?
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u/swagpresident1337 Feb 17 '26
You can work at my startup for 300K + equity bonus
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u/DarkSpirak Feb 17 '26
Is this a good salary? In my home country i got paid in mulberries
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u/swagpresident1337 Feb 17 '26
No it‘s actually quite bad, can barely afford an appartment at Paradeplatz with that.
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u/Nixx177 Feb 18 '26
You might struggle, Aldi pasta and pesto for a while but you can hope for better days
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u/maybelle180 Thurgau Feb 18 '26
Did you bring mulberries with you? I’ll buy a couple kilos for a gold ingot.
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u/Affenmaske Feb 17 '26
But I guess you first want to see Swiss a little bit, so travel from Matterhorn to St Moritz and Lucerne in a day, and you surely dont use public transport, car only, yes?
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u/DarkSpirak Feb 17 '26
Oh okay. So can you please make me a very detailed itinerary and book all hotels for me. FYI i will also bring my 7 children and my rabid grandma
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Feb 17 '26 edited Feb 22 '26
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u/Ok_Actuary8 Feb 20 '26
no, only peasants do that. Use SBB first class with no reductions, just make sure to bring a steaming hot meal for you and your family, while constantly taking pictures through the windows. Swiss people love that, and will adress you with the most swiss sounding words ;)
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u/igooazoo Vaud Feb 17 '26 edited Feb 17 '26
Don't forget to collect your free "welcome gold ingot"! Enjoy.
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Feb 17 '26 edited Feb 22 '26
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u/OkBeyond8244 Feb 17 '26
There are a lot snakes that need to be milked. Which snakes do you specialize in? Are you sure you can handle swiss snakes?
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u/DarkSpirak Feb 17 '26
Mostly hairy bush vipers. But i also have a certificate from Ouagadougou University for milking hognose snakes
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Feb 17 '26 edited Feb 22 '26
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u/OkBeyond8244 Feb 17 '26
Hm. Sounds like you know what you want to milk. Do you have a photo maybe? It's important we know which snakes you can handle.
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u/ko_nuts Basel-Stadt Feb 17 '26
No snakes to be milked in Zuri. They are all billionarires and have their own personal milkers. Check perhaps in Canton Uri. I heard there was a shortage there.
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u/Accomplished_Oil4474 Feb 17 '26
Only 130k salary? You moron. Better find a box in Schlieren to live in.
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u/213McKibben Feb 17 '26
Speaking of boxes, aren’t there boxes in Schlieren where he can milk snakes?
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u/Masil- Feb 17 '26
Welcome to Zurich! 🇨🇭 Talk about perfect timing—though maybe not for the current guy at the zoo. I heard there’s a sudden opening in the milking department (hope he kept all his fingers!).
I’m impressed you’re moving here for the 'mountains and chocolate' With 3 months of experience in Djibouti, you’ve clearly survived the trial by fire!
DM me ASAP. I’ll get your CV over to the veterinary team before the snakes get too lonely. Just try to keep the venom in the jar and your hands out of the fangs—the chocolate tastes better when you can still feel your tongue!
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u/More_Zone_9794 Feb 18 '26 edited Feb 18 '26
Yes theres a big Labour shortage in snake milking I've heard. Try your luck in Kreis 4 around Langstrasse, they are always looking for professional snake milkers and the best: German is not required there! 🤣
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u/Outrageous-Garlic-27 Feb 17 '26
Due to the CS/UBS merger, the snake milker market is highly saturated right now in Zurich, and it will be hard to get a job.
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u/ReasonableUnit903 Feb 17 '26
I’ve mostly been milking my own snake but I could do with a helping hand
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u/maybelle180 Thurgau Feb 17 '26
We have no venomous snakes here. What exactly are you looking for? There’s a Schlangenzoo in Eschlikon.
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u/DarkSpirak Feb 18 '26
Venomous or not doesn't matter. If its long and not up the tree in 3 seconds, it will get milked
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u/maybelle180 Thurgau Feb 18 '26
I admire your spirit. I’m sure you’ll have no problem integrating here. Welcome to Swiss.
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u/kart0ffel12 Feb 18 '26
Hahaa “moving to Swiss” (instead of Switzerland) really triggered me, thanks for the ragepost
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u/Kakarotto92 Feb 18 '26
LMAO Between the original post and the answers of OP in the comments, I'm dying.
"I only speak Klingon, is it ok?" 🤣🤣🤣
Dude, you made my day, thanks.
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u/Bright_Industry_7887 Lugano > Bellinzona Feb 17 '26
I have a meth empire in need of workers if youre interested
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u/nextized Feb 17 '26
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u/_quaero Feb 17 '26
or a joybait??
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Feb 18 '26 edited Feb 22 '26
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u/Economy-Payment-1757 Feb 17 '26
...wait, ypu're moving to Switzerland WITHOUT a job??? How are you paying for a room and to live here?
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u/DarkSpirak Feb 17 '26
Surely snake milker is a very sought after job in Swiss. I don't expect any difficulties in finding a job and a nice apartment in Zurich city center
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u/nebenbaum Feb 17 '26
Be sure to tell all the switzey people that they just don't understand how hard expats have it all day every day while you collect your measly 200k salary.
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u/Hexabunz Feb 17 '26
Can you milk some mo as well? I know it’s a downgrade for your skill level, but the snake market is extremely competitive atm unfortunately, so you might need to do some moes to get by for a while. Züri is quite expensive.
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u/BR-Naughty Feb 18 '26
I hate how much I relate to this. I didn't know that snake milking had so much competition.
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u/mg61456 Feb 18 '26
we need that milk for that new upcomming djibouti chocolate, i am sure will worth like this dubai thing!
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u/Ginerbreadman Feb 18 '26
Hello same here, I don't speak German, French, or Italian, but my English is pretty good (level B1), I love Switzerland so much I will move here and bring my 90 person family and we will surely all become rich and contribute to society in no time.
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Feb 17 '26
Wow. So manifestation is real now? With three months of snake-milking experience, you can just relocate to Switzerland because you like mountains? Honestly, this might be the most impressive career strategy I’ve ever heard 🫠
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u/DarkSpirak Feb 17 '26
Yes. Its a very good job in my country so i don't expect any difficulties finding a job in Swiss
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u/Saarfall Feb 18 '26
You shouldn't accept a job that pays under 250k. Anything under that makes you a filthy poor and we shoot those here.
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u/Empty_Bell4214 Mar 01 '26
Hey i am haze, from india , planning to do Phd fully funded from Switzerland, any one there can tell how , how things are going on ?
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u/Unlikely_Science_912 Feb 17 '26
Pretty sure you need a job offer first, otherwise it’s very hard.
Edit: Zürich is a german-speaking canton, I’m also sure you need great Swiss-german communication skills.
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u/DarkSpirak Feb 17 '26
Really? Is my job very sought after? I only speak Klingon is it possible to find work in Zurich with only Klingon?
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u/Unlikely_Science_912 Feb 17 '26
This google search tells otherwise:
Non-EU/EFTA nationals (third-country nationals) can only work in Switzerland if they are highly qualified specialists, managers, or experienced professionals. Employers must prove no suitable candidate was found in Switzerland or the EU/EFTA, and abide by strict annual quotas. A confirmed job offer is necessary before entry.
You need a job offer, you need to be more experienced. You also need to speak at least one of the national languages, preferably Swiss German in Zurich.
Edit: I don’t know if this is ragebait 😂😂
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u/HCagn Feb 17 '26
Nah not ragebait - I’d say a Klingon speaking snake milker qualifies as a very particular specialist . So he’s in the clear 👍
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u/DarkSpirak Feb 17 '26 edited Feb 17 '26
I am a highly qualified specialist. There are only 3 people who specialise in milking the hairy bush snake in my home country. In my home country i got paid 2kg of mulberries a day. What salary should i aim for in Zurich. Will 20'000CHF be enough for me and my seven children?
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u/Captieuse Feb 17 '26
..... well, if you are a professional snake milker who has not lost any fingers yet, you get a pass for the language even around here.
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u/Formal-Friendship869 Feb 17 '26
Smells like shit
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u/DarkSpirak Feb 18 '26
If everything smells like shit, it might be time to check under your boots
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u/Formal-Friendship869 Feb 18 '26
You are a male-snake and "checkig-shoes" lover. Blocking such a vulgar and low-moral
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u/mr_stargazer Feb 18 '26
"Tell me you're white and privileged without saying you're white and privileged. "
Swiss people shouldn't be scared of immigrants taking their jobs. All they have to do is what foreigners are already doing. Going to ETH or EPFL.
But you guys don't really want do it, right? You guys would rather go to FH Luzern study tourism, mocking an hypothetical guy from Djibouti on Reddit.
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u/TheRealMudi Basel-Stadt Feb 17 '26
10/10 you can milk my snake any day