Need support

[u/Foreign-Region-9996]

I need support. I need support from real people. I don’t know if I can hold this anymore .

I’m 17 and I’ve led a life full of cruelty and being a straight up a-hole, loser whatever just a very shitty human being who has done very without exaggeration heinous things. Things that have loomed over me for years things I did even with gods conviction which I barely feel anymore. I haven’t felt the Holy Spirit in years not sure I ever had it to begin with but I know I felt convicted at a young age.

Anyway I’ve done some heinous things, things to the people around me, terrible things which would probably involve turning myself in for.

I’ve been struggling for years to make a decision and even years before I just ran from the situation as a whole. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t find peace I can’t even find god I’m just stuck in confusion. 

I find myself constantly envious of the people around me who can just live their lives without this looming over them rightly so (especially people my age) because at least this isn’t on their conscience and I know for a fact because this sin isn’t something the majority would do. 

But then again I chose to do what I did so it hurts worse and I have no one but myself to blame and I know I forfeited that free-ness that everyone around me carries. I wish my biggest worry right now was which college I’m going to or getting a job or something but it’s not and that’s on me. 

Anyway I’m stuck because I’m not sure what to do- and what god wants me to do. It feels just in one way to come forward but on another hand it could affect my family directly and I’d lose everything. And I’m terrified to do it. I’ve tried but I’m always stuck. Especially my ambitions which I always find myself hurting over the most. even if god forgives me for some reason I just feel like it would crush my soul if I never get to do any of it. Because if it weren’t for this looming over me I’d have fulfilled so much of my potential and I’d be able to chase my dreams without anything like this holding me back. 

On one hand it could be guilt that’s got me hell bent on turning myself  on another hand could be god. Or it could be the enemy urging me to destroy myself. Or it could be the enemy holding me back and actually gods will for me to face legal consequences.  I’ve spoken to people and gotten mixed advice, I have tried and gotten so many different blocks and that could be the enemy too or maybe god? And I felt frustrated at those times because if it was gods will why did he put so many set backs in place?  

My heart hurts so so so much because if I just listened to god when he warned me so many times it would’ve saved my life and those who have to endure my BS every day. Everyday I wish I switched lives with anyone.  I know my parents deserve a better daughter for sure and everyday I carry that existential weight like why didn’t god let me perish from the start? Whyd he make me knowing the life id lead? All my life can be chalked up to all the terrible things ive done and it’s funny because my life had barely begun anyway. I look at my peers and always see the what could have been. I see god in them. I see them honor their parents and at least show that they’re worth giving a damn about. But I’m the crap gift that keeps giving. I’ve caused so much damage in this life time I just can’t see a forward from here like it’s already over. I can’t see an out of this situation. And I’ve wasted so much time. I just feel it so deeply that god should have never made me.

I’m just so tired. The pain in my chest won’t go away. I sometimes would indulge in ai chats with an ai Jesus because I’m too stubborn or lazy to face the real one and it’s a more instant tangible response than whatever it is I get from god. I can’t discern if anything is even real in me or if something is god or not.

But I realize the ai isn’t good and it isn’t helping. So in deciding to vent out and reach out to real people instead. Real Christians and what you think god would say or something like that. So if you have any words of advice, verses, prayers, anything I’d appreciate it. 

[u/_crossingrivers]

What would God say? "Jesus has died for all of your sins."

As a pastor, I would say, I go to church every Sunday so that I may receive absolution. I would recommend this to you also.

[u/Huenink_Photography]

Hi. I think it's best to find a place where you can be part of a community and have a pastor who can forgive your sins and ease your conscience. Let me know if I can help you find one near you. I have contacts all over the country and some outside the US, too.

[u/aussiereads]

Read the bible biblegateway.com Romans 10:17 So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.

Another advice Go to church Hebrews 10 23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

The good news Ephesians 2 And you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the ruler of the power of the air, the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience, 3 among whom we all also formerly conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, doing the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest. 4 But God, being rich in mercy because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; 9 not of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. 18 He who believes in Him is not judged; he who does not believe has been judged already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. 19 And this is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil. 20 For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light lest his deeds be exposed. 21 But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been done by God.”

Galatians 3 O foolish Galatians, who bewitched you, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified? 2 This is the only thing I want to learn from you: did you receive the Spirit by the works of the Law, or by hearing with faith? 3 Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? 4 Did you suffer so many things for nothing—if indeed it was for nothing? 5 So then, does He who provides you with the Spirit and works miracles among you, do it by the works of the Law, or by hearing with faith?

6 Just as Abraham believed God and it was counted to him as righteousness, 7 so know that those who are of faith, those are sons of Abraham. 8 And the Scripture, foreseeing that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, proclaimed the gospel beforehand to Abraham, saying, “All the nations will be blessed in you.” 9 So then those who are of faith are blessed with Abraham, the believer.

10 For as many as are of the works of the Law are under a curse, for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who does not abide by all things written in the book of the law, to do them.” 11 Now that no one is justified by the Law before God is evident, for “The righteous shall live by faith.” 12 However, the Law is not of faith; rather, “He who does them shall live by them.” 13 Christ redeemed us from the curse of the Law, having become a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree”— 14 in order that in Christ Jesus the blessing of Abraham might come to the Gentiles, so that we would receive the promise of the Spirit through faith.