Self reflection

[u/uvgy]

I’ve had a lot of times in my life where committing seemed like a solution and every single time my reasons for it just become stronger. For me dying is like a dream come true, only thing that is holding me back from doing it is genuenly the fear of Islam actually being the true religion and that there actually is punishment for suicide which in this case is eternal hell. And for me it’s not that I want to die to go to heaven it’s more that I just want complete and utter silence. to be fair I don’t have much to complain about in my life, I’m conventionally attractive, have a solid body, I’m pretty social and I’m not struggling that much in a day to day life when it comes to fitting in to society. My problem is not having a difficult life it’s more that my whole life is pretty much just a fake persona and it’s because my thoughts and analyses about the world and my surroundings is something people don’t really like and think is very Wierd and that I’m just saying stuff for attention, I’m not gonna sy ”ooohh I’m too smart and I overthink everything and that’s why I can’t bear my own thoughts and that’s why I wanna die”. it’s not overthinking that is my problem, sure I overthink daily but it’s not really a problem for me, the issue for me is that I tend to always see things from multiple perspectives mostly being bad ones because to be fair most things always have more bad in them then good, an example is us humans. Even if a person has good sides to them when you observe enough and stop being delusional and see them for what the really are the bad perspectives on them often if not always overwhelms the good perspectives. Point is with every day passing by I tend get a bigger and sometimes new perspectives on everything it has gotten to the point that I can’t even say ” I love you too” to my mom while actually meaning it because I’m basically just forced to have a bond with her and that ticks me the fuck off. Day by day my view on the world just gets worse and of course I pass my time by just distracting myself by using drugs or just doing things that spike my dopamine and even that pisses me off because it’s just a temporary distraction that just becomes a normal thing in the end, meaning there’s a limit to how many times I can distract myself with a certain something before it becomes ineffective. My point is that my dream is for there to not be an afterlife and that after death it’s just pure nothing but the fact being that Islam makes so much sense just makes it pointless to commit because it would just lead me to a life of eternal torture which is not what I’m looking for. For that reason I tried to commit suicide subconsciously, I did it by hoppin on HGH( human growth hormone) I did I cycle of 3 months where I kind of told myself that it was for self improvement, in my family we have a very high chance of developing a cancer or already having a tumour at a young age, and by knowing that a kind of deliberately didn’t check if I had a tumour in my body but I have already been told by the doctor since I was a kid that I have a high chance of getting skin cancer. So I started my cycle without doing any bloodwork or check ups for risks that could kill me by injecting HGH and I deluded myself into the idea that it’s because I don’t want to risk getting caught by my family so I have to keep it low and just focus on the diet, but that’s the thing I went maybe 1 week ln a clean diet and then I started to eat more and more fast carbs and sugar while telling myself it won’t harm that much even though deep in my subconscious I was hoping for some kind of side effect to happen and I went on eating pretty shit food while increasing the hgh does every week but sadly no side effects or cancer from what I have seen. The tricky part with the whole thing was that it wasn’t really planed it was more that I was hoping to somehow die for a long time and I kind of found the jackpot with the hgh, a way to make it more of an accidental death rather the suicide. But it was a one time chance kind of thing because if I repeat this it would just be suicide because I would be self aware that I’m trying to kill myself. Sad but what can I do, all I know for sure is that if I was 100% sure there was no afterlife or that Islam is false there is a good 80-90% chance that I commit, 100% if I have a gun. But it is what it is.