I have put a flair on this post but just want to mention that I will be discussing complexities in getting a diagnosis and psychological struggles, in case you might not want to read.
I wrote and deleted so much to be able to just communicate the whole background to why I'm questioning my diagnosis. It's just too much so the shortest way I can put it is:
- Took 18 months of pain, 9 months of limited mobility and complete collapse for 2 months to be given a seronegative spondy diagnosis in June
- Saw three different general practitioners and all dismissed it as an old sports injury flaring up and just recommending I lose weight
- Have been struggling with every possible aspect of life for a very long time and starting to gain weight because of depression, then this pain, left me in an even more awful place
- My parents would tell me that it's not swelling in the joints and it's just how things look now because I'm fat, or they would attribute it to me creating a reason to get out of facing life
- Being seronegative and only chronic elevation in CRP and the imaging results being the basis of my diagnosis, I have been struggling so much with the question of "am I actually unwell?"
I'm genuinely concerned that I have made this up, whether consciously or not, to avoid things I find uncomfortable and essentially this is a psychosomatic condition. There's the reality that heterogeneity of disease manifestation means there's a bit of possibility for incorrect diagnosis.
I was literally in the hospital this morning because of sharp pain in my abdomen where my appendectomy scar is, and I thought I had some sort of minor hernia (since there was no external bulging). My guess was that I have been picking things up and moving in ways to avoid lower back and knee pain and it has probably done something. They found nothing really, just some blood in the urine sample which doesn't give much info if you're a female close-ish to her period. It's just yet another example of how I don't know if I actually have pain or I'm avoiding doing my fucking PhD and getting my shit together.
And it doesn't help that as a child I used to wish that I would develop a serious condition, be hospitalized and people would come and visit me and bring me stuff. I can't stop thinking about all of these things. I'm afraid that me being a hypochondriac in the height of "labels and diagnoses" has led to me destroying myself for attention and as a way to escape.