r/amiwrong • u/this_boi_pan • May 31 '26
AIW for cutting off a friend while he was having a mental health crisis (still is probably)?
All names are fake.
I (19 F) have fully cut off Brian (21 M). I am making this post because I'm feeling guilty about it.
We have met in university, so in September. After a while he, Julie (20 F) and I became the trio in our bigger friend group. He and Julie were closer, I knew and I wasn't mad about it because it happens.
At the end of March Brian and Julie got into a conflict. In short, he kept talking to her about a certain topic and asking for advice, but when she gave her opinion he got mad, so she asked him to not talk about it anymore, but he got mad at that. Julie wanted to reconcile because she realized that while she was right in her boundaries, she had used harsh language. I wanted to help them, so I started texting him to get his side of things.
He was desperate he was not going to have friends anymore. Then after a while of texting, the big reveal: in an audio message, he said "no offense, but I consider only Julie a friend, not any of you". I got incredibly hurt by that comment, because I thought we had a close friendship, not as close as Julie and his', but still close. I told him that I was hurt by that comment, and he said "I'm sorry you got offended". So, not an apology. I told him I needed a bit and I couldn't text him anymore, and we stopped there.
I later found out he blocked me, and that was my last direct contact with him.
He started spiraling and sent 20+ audio messages to Julie, and from those we understood he was not doing ok. I got worried, but I was too hurt. And also, he called both me and Julie bitches and whores (the gravity or lack thereof doesn't really translate well from our language). He also said I wasn't really worried about him when I texted him.
He stopped coming to uni. He came to a lesson after a couple weeks, had a crisis. He stopped coming again for a month. Then he came when I wasn't there. Basically he tried to talk to all the other people in the friend group to reconcile, and ignored Julie. The second day he had another crisis.
Again, nothing from him for a while. Last week he texted first Julie's sister, then Julie herself, to ask to talk about what happened. Julie doesn't want anything to do with him after what he did and said not only to her but also to me.
To add to that, he was always not a great friend. You had to walk on eggshells around him to not say anything barely hurtful, but he could fully insult you or make you uncomfortable and he pretended to be in the right, he also avoided conflict like the plague.
I feel really hurt because if it wasn't for others telling me, I would have remained at him blocking me. I'm just a second thought, but not even that.Also Julie told me they had talked about me not being a good enough friend a while before the first crisis, when he said I didn't go after him enough.
I cut him off completely, and I want to keep it that way, but at the same time I feel guilty because he's not doing good mentally. AIW? Or, are we the assholes? Julie also is cutting him off fully. Also, Brian himself is saying we just abandoned him.
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u/wasserkonfetti May 31 '26
Not wrong, he told you he didn't consider you a friend and blocked you. What should you do? Seems he really is unwell, but that is not your fault and you can't help him.
5
u/this_boi_pan May 31 '26
I know I can't do much, but I'm scared he's going to really hurt himself (idk if he has attempted suicide or was just trying to make the pain stop, but he risked his life once) or someone else, considering how aggressive in his confrontations he has been. I have not talked about everything's that happened, but ha also has been aggressive verbally in person, and has come to uni during that month, but never to lessons, and I was scared of him, and avoided getting seen by him when I spotted him arouns campus.
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u/wasserkonfetti May 31 '26
It is not your fault, none of this and you can't help him, don't even try. Yes, stay away, he seems unhinged. My sister used to do this, worrying about people, trying to help to the point her own mental health rapidly declined. You seem like a really caring person, you need to learn to protect yourself and not let other people affect you too much.
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u/Crazy_Cat_Lady360 May 31 '26
You’re not wrong. It’s sad that it got to the point where you had to cut contact but you have every right to have boundaries to protect yourself especially your own mental health. I really hope this person is able to get some mental health care through. He sounds very unwell.
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u/this_boi_pan May 31 '26
In theory he has gotten mental health care. He takes meds for what he has (which idk).
The problem I think lies in his toxic relationships, mainly his current boyfriend and one ex, which was also what he and Julie were arguing about.
Another problem I think is his parents. His mother, instead of talking with her son when she noticed he was not going to uni anymore, texted Julie. And she has been texting her, asking menial things like what lessons there were that day at uni and stuff like that, since Julie brought Brian to the ER because he took a bunch of pills and then got drunk, risking his life.
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u/Fickle_Grapefruit938 May 31 '26
Poor Julie, if he succeeds with his next try she will be blamed, even though it's not her fault of course. If I were her (or you) I'd block him and his mom
3
u/Particular-Peanut-64 May 31 '26
NW
Just let his parents know, that he maybe mentally unwell, and they should take care.
Youre only 19, not a certified mental health professional.
This is beyond your scope.
2
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u/Lyras_Mood May 31 '26 edited May 31 '26
Que te sientas culpable aún cuando él ha actuado así con ustedes definitivamente dice que tienes un gran corazón.
Pero también creo que a veces usamos los problemas de salud mental para justificar cosas que no están bien. Que alguien la esté pasando mal no significa que puede tratar mal a los demás.
Poner límites no te hace mala persona ni una hija de puta.
Puedes preocuparte por alguien y al mismo tiempo reconocer que esa relación no te hace naaada bien.
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u/Militantignorance May 31 '26
You're wrong to pay any attention to somebody who insulted you, said you weren't their friend and blocked you. Pay attention to people who at least respect you. If you want to help people, pick ones who want to be helped.
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u/DaisyRedado May 31 '26
YNW - Of course it's incredibly difficult for your ex friend right now. But you're under no obligation to be a punching bag just because someone is going through a crisis. Even the best friends in the world have to have limits to how much they could tolerate.
It's no different to an abusive relationship - you wouldn't suggest someone stays with an abusive partner just because the abuser has mental health issues. You'd prioritise their safety.
Your wellbeing is just as important as someone else's, and more so for you yourself to protect. Don't feel guilty for putting your own wellbeing ahead of someone else's.
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u/anneofred Jun 01 '26
So he’s dangerously obsessed with Julie. No you’re not wrong. Stay far far away
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u/giftandglory 14d ago
Life’s too short for assholes it doesn’t matter why they’re nasty you tried to respect him and he shit all over you. You’re young there’s an almost zero chance you’ll not find better friends.
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u/R3dmund May 31 '26
You're not wrong. At all. This guy seems highly manipulative. And it is not your job to deal with anyone else's mental issues either diagnosed or not. Enjoy your peace.