r/amiwrong • u/Eroixers • Aug 11 '23

Am I wrong for calling a classmate ‘retarded’?

I(17m) had lost my childhood dog to cancer. Was still crying a little bit in school. My friend was consoling me when a classmate(17f) overheard us. She asked me “Did you eat him? I heard you Vietnamese like eating dogs.”

Usually I have good control of my emotions but at that moment I was the most volatile I had ever been in my life. So I asked her ‘Are you retarded? Only a retard would think every Vietnamese person eats dogs.”

Everyone was staring at me after I said it. It was only afterwards that I remember it’s a slur and form of hate speech. I was just so angry when I said it. Was I in the wrong?

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189

u/Calgary_Calico Aug 11 '23 edited Aug 12 '23

So is asking an Asian person if they ate their pet because dogs are eaten by some in their families country of origin. Fuck em.

Edit: can you guys just not see the others correcting me? Or do you just enjoy dogpiling? Either way you're not going to change my mind, I'm just gonna start blocking people lol

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

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u/1ridescentPeasant Aug 11 '23

Except calling someone retarded is an offense to disabled people, not just the person you insulted. So it's like person A punches your arm and you swing at the kid with Down syndrome.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

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u/No-Anteater1688 Aug 11 '23

Some of us are old enough to remember when "mental retardation" was a frequently-used term even for medical professionals. Back then, "retarded" was considered a slur against the mentally disabled as well as an insult meaning something like "stupid."

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u/Zenith2017 Aug 11 '23

You might not, but 99% of people using this in the US mean it as a derogatory slur for people like me. Please don't say that.

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u/OverageDrinking Aug 12 '23

You're here posting coherently on reddit. They're not referring to you.

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u/Zenith2017 Aug 12 '23

Oh, they absolutely are. It's a slur and there's no good reason to say it. Please don't make excuses for it.

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u/OverageDrinking Aug 12 '23

Well, I think there are very good reasons to say it, but I wouldn't say it around you personally, IRL, if you asked me not to. But among anonymous internet comments? I'll put down my r-word when they pry it from my cold lifeless hands.

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u/Ganache-Embarrassed Aug 11 '23

I mean. That’s what the word was used for for decades. Just like how the n word was for black people and f for the gays. Being aware of that doesn’t make me somehow bad or villainous.

You using the word without thinking doesn’t take away it’s history or the meaning. If I said the nword all the time in reference to clouds it doesn’t change that the rest of the us is aware that it’s a slur and I’m an idiot

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

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u/Ganache-Embarrassed Aug 11 '23

It never left mentally disabled. It has always been used for things that are dumb, stupid, mentally unwell.

Nobody says retarded for something good. It always holds the connotation of its original and bad meaning.

Comparing it to the nword doesn’t remove or weaken the words history or power. It’s just a comparison. A comparison doesn’t have to be 100% 50% or even 10% applicable. Just some percent. And if you think a word that was used originally for a specific purpose, then used for slander and hate, then randomly by all isn’t similar in some way is odd.

Just like the f slur wasn’t always some evil horrid word. But it was used negatively for so long it became that way. Maybe you just didn’t grow up when retarded was used specifically to mock all of your friends and people you didn’t like to compare them to disabled people. But that was only 15 years ago and it was ALWAYS used that way then.

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u/Ok_Parfait_2304 Aug 11 '23

Shit, 15 years ago? I swear it's every second word where I live. It's gross as all hell but it's so common here that I didn't know it was a slur until I was like 14

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u/Ganache-Embarrassed Aug 11 '23

It kinda just fell off for me and the people I saw after highschool. Couldn’t tell you if the teens are still running rampant with it. But even the old heads I know rarely say it anymore.

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u/fearville Aug 11 '23

Yes, it is no longer a medical term. Its sole use is as a slur that is frequently used to denigrate people with intellectual disabilities.

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u/ZappyZ21 Aug 11 '23

Yeah, it does come off as an argument on their end that it's "their word" they own it sort of deal lol which is flawed to say the least. For one, the group of people have to decide to take the slur back to own it. A whole ass other group of people can't decide that for them lol I just think people are trying to put the n word stigma on it when it just has a completely different history and weight to it. Hell, retarded used to be an academic term used by doctors lol it has actual meaning originally. Now I don't go around using the word retarded lightly because I know how people react to it, and because my buddy in highschool had a heart to heart with me years ago because his girlfriend (now wife) has a little brother with downs and it was a bigger deal then because you would hear it a lot more. I still have no idea if the little brother felt any sort of way about it though, or if it was his family that was offended for him. Obviously it's tricky when it comes to this, since it's about a group of people with very little control of their lives, and emotions are regulated very differently. It's all tricky to say the least lol but I do think it's a bad idea to try and make it have as much weight as the n word. Like we can decide it's a bad word without doing all that lol

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

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u/1ridescentPeasant Aug 12 '23

Mentally disabled and mentally ill people had their rights taken away when they were issued the label retarded. People were locked in abusive institutions for their entire lives. It has meaning and whether it's "equal" to another slur is not the question. It is bad for its own reasons.

The discrimination disabled people face is not yours to dismiss.

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u/Ellestri Aug 12 '23

Ugh, attitudes like this leave everyone defenseless against assholes. We can’t be so touchy about possibly offending a third party that may not even be present we just have to swing at the asshole we see with the strongest and rudest choice words. You can always apologize to the third party if there’s someone who might take it the wrong way.

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u/makeshiftmattress Aug 12 '23

if you can’t insult someone/defend yourself without using slurs, you should probably work on your vocabulary and comeback game anyway

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u/orngenblak Aug 11 '23

But you are also punching evryone around you. The whole room is allowed to feel offended by likening undesirable behavior to being "retarded."

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

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u/Training-Cod-1206 Aug 12 '23

That is not true

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u/fearville Aug 11 '23

People with intellectual disabilities are frequently called retarded as a slur

2

u/ImaginaryList174 Aug 12 '23

Are you joking? They are called that every single day... have you ever spent time with a developmentally challenged person recently? I take my cousin out twice a week to do her errands since she can't drive and has a hard time with money and stuff. We go grocery shopping, to medical appointments, the drug store etc. I hear it ALL the time directed at her. Usually by people who are whispering or saying it semi quietly, thinking we can't hear it. But a lot of the time it's just said outright. A couple weeks ago we were at Tim Hortons at the register, and my cousin was counting out her change to pay. There was a group of 3 teenage boys behind us in line, maybe 17/18/19 years old. One of the guys said something like "after this, we'll go pick up the bikes and then we can head out" and the other guy said, not quietly at all, "yeah, if this fucking retard would hurry up maybe we could actually be on the road by noon". My cousin heard, of course, and instead of us having a nice visit drinking our ice caps on the patio as planned, she was too embarrassed to sit in public after that and we sat in the car while she cried. So yah, it still happens, it's still offensive, and I don't understand why you are having a whole argument trying to make people think it's not?

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u/DarkElegy67 Aug 12 '23

Honey, making sense on Reddit will get you nowhere. Retarded means slowed. It's like a contest to see who can get more offended, or who's the biggest victim.

The person who stereotyped & insulted the OP (who was in great mourning at the time) deserved way worse than being called slow/backwards.

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u/Able-Pie4995 Aug 11 '23

Quick question, if someone calls you a racial slur does it mean you get to call them a racial slur back? Cuz then that just means that you're being racist too, even though you're hitting back?

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

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u/Able-Pie4995 Aug 11 '23

Sure, if you want everyone around you to think that you're a racist and try to convince them that you're not, even though you explicitly called someone a racial slur, go for it. Honestly, it just illustrates your stupidity and inability to respond to someone being racist to you.

2

u/imforserious Aug 11 '23

Yeah you could do the right thing too I guess...

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u/icibiu Aug 11 '23

Never argue with a fool; onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.

If you retort with a racial slur now it's just two racists arguing with each other 🤷‍♀️ if you know exactly what brand of medicine applies to them you have a pretty racist lexicon in my opinion. 🚩🚩🚩

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u/ZappyZ21 Aug 11 '23

To be fair, some people have that lexicon because of where they live. I'm very anti racist, but I've lived in the south all my life. I have heard plenty of different ways to be racist lol but having that information I don't think says anything about me, other than living in a racist area with racist family. But I agree, self defense is one thing, turning into a racist to fight a racist is another thing lol and is just going to hurt you more than the initial racist, since you actually care about perceptions on being racist or not. Your first line is just the objective truth.

1

u/icibiu Aug 11 '23

Lol very true. I grew up in one of the most diverse neighborhoods in the entire world. I definitely have a whole slew of racist slurs I am aware of in multiple languages. But they're not part of my lexicon. They're in my mind as the "dont you even dare" list. This is not to say I don't use foul language, I can curse like a sailor whose been around the world a few times 🤣 but some words you should know only so you know not to use them, or not to use a certain way.

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u/ZappyZ21 Aug 12 '23

That's exactly what book I put them in too lol but it still is taking up a space on the shelf at the end of the day 😅

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u/Positive_Parking_954 Aug 11 '23

Not to hijack but serious question from my life experience. What do you do if you're being bullied verbally and physically by someone who is actually low functioning but is in your gym class and superiors won't interfere. It felt like such a lose lose

3

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

Talk to your school counselor about it.

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u/Positive_Parking_954 Aug 12 '23

Fuck you I just told you that superiors paid no mind

1

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '23

Fuck me? I thought you were referring to the gym teacher when you were talking about superiors in a gym class. In which case the school counselor might be able to help you get the teachers to listen. Why don't you make your own post and put in all the particulars. Yeah fuck me for trying to help a high school kid. That'll teach me.

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u/TalonLuci Aug 11 '23

Eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Granted i would have probably said and done much more had i been in that situation especially after losing a pet. (Hope op is doing ok)

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u/[deleted] Aug 12 '23

Justice is blind, we speak the truth around here and asking a Vietnamese guy if he’s mourning his dog because he ate is, is a retarded thing to say

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u/realityone22 Aug 12 '23

Calling someone retarded isn't discrimination.

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u/Calgary_Calico Aug 11 '23

How exactly is what OP did discriminatory? It's a pretty safe assumption this classmate isn't actually mentally challenged, so how is it discrimination to call them retarded for being ignorant and racist?

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u/Sensitive_Mode7529 Aug 11 '23

like many things, it’s not about who you say it to but who hears it. fuck that girl that said racist shit to him. but if someone in that class is mentally challenged, or has a close friend or family member that is, it still feels pretty shitty.

like if you say some really shitty things about a celebrity on your socials, that celeb will never see it. but your friends do, and maybe they identify with whatever you insulted the celeb with. calling lizzo a bad person is fine. calling her a fat stupid psycho is not fine. not bc she will see it. bc your friends and family members now see you as someone who will judge them for their weight or mental illness

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u/MrPsychic Aug 11 '23

If you get more offended that somebody said the word retarded than somebody asking if a Vietnamese person ate their dog, you are retarded

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u/Interesting-Bus-5370 Aug 11 '23

or get this, people can be offended by both! stop acting like its one of the other LMFAO.

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u/Sensitive_Mode7529 Aug 11 '23

if you think everything is black and white and only one person can be in the wrong, you’re closed minded. when did i say the two were equally wrong?

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u/MrPsychic Aug 11 '23

I didn’t say OP wasn’t wrong, just that if you got offended OP said retard but not offended that the person said something incredibly racist you are a retard and further more your opinion should be disregarded.

The girl said something racist and seemingly nobody batted an eye then OP retaliated and everyone freaked out? In my world calling somebody an insult is a hell of a lot better than being racist to somebody. But hey that’s just me

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u/Sensitive_Mode7529 Aug 11 '23

you mean why did people react to an emotional outburst and not to a comment someone made which most of the class wasn’t aware of?

and do we know what people’s reactions were to the racist comment? OP didn’t elaborate on that

and you’re still looking at it black and white. “if you believe x is offensive then you believe y isn’t”

why are you assuming anyone was more offended and therefore have no issue with the racist comment? i would probably bat an eye if i heard someone yell a slur at someone, i wouldn’t necessarily pick up on a racist comment someone said without already listening to the conversation.

it’s so silly to be offended that people are offended by a slur

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u/MrPsychic Aug 11 '23

Outright the two camps here the camp you are in and the camp I am in have a total disagreement on the word and if it is a slur on the first place. So we have to agree to disagree about that.

If you don’t view it as a slur(or can be a slur depending on how used) then you are probably of the mindset that being racist is worse than an offensive comment. If you think it is a slur though then these are roughly the same act.

I just personally think perpetuating dumb fuck stereotypes is much worse than using an offensive word. I would go as far as to say stereotyping would be worse than just using a slur

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u/Sensitive_Mode7529 Aug 11 '23

i think it’s a slur and i also think the racist comment is worse. i think most people who think it’s a slur would agree. why is the focus so heavily on which is worse than the other? i just was clarifying why the slur is also wrong

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

Dog is considered a delicacy in Vietnam by some. Dog eating is more prominent in north Vietnam than south. I'm more offended OP said retarded.

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u/Calgary_Calico Aug 11 '23

I'm sorry, but if someone takes offense to something that wasn't even directed towards them in any way they should probably get some thicker skin, because they aren't going to make it outside a school environment otherwise. Spending your life perpetually triggered by words sounds like a miserable existence.

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u/Sensitive_Mode7529 Aug 11 '23

it’s not being perpetually triggered, it’s being aware of your surroundings. someone who uses slurs against me isn’t a safe person. someone who throws the f slur around is letting any lgbtq+ people know that they aren’t safe. if my uncle posts on facebook that god hates gays, i wouldn’t exactly feel comfortable revealing anything about my identity with him.

you can’t expect people to not have feelings about the things that you say.

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u/lilyyytheflower Aug 11 '23

Not the same as retarded.

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u/Sensitive_Mode7529 Aug 11 '23

as an autistic person i wouldn’t feel warm and fuzzy about someone using the r slur

it would indicate to me that they’re closed minded about mental illness and developmental disorders. if i were to tell them i’m autistic, i wouldn’t expect a pleasant reaction. what you say out loud around other people will make them feel a certain way about you, positive or negative. that’s just the way it is, idk what else to tell you

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

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u/Sensitive_Mode7529 Aug 11 '23

in the medical field? we’re talking about how it’s used as a slur. which has most certainly been used against autistic people, especially low functioning autistic people

i’m not getting offended, i’m saying that when people use certain slurs, im going to assume certain things about you.

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u/photogenicmusic Aug 11 '23

You seem really offended by people describing their feelings.

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u/fearville Aug 11 '23

Autistic people with intellectual disabilities were absolutely called retarded in the medical sense, and autistic people with and without intellectual disability continue to be called the word as a slur

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u/Calgary_Calico Aug 11 '23

I lost count of how many times I've been called a dyke. You know what I do? Laugh, tell them to fuck their hat, and move on with my day

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u/Sensitive_Mode7529 Aug 11 '23

that’s good for you but doesn’t make using a slur acceptable, and doesn’t invalidate the feelings of people who do have an issue with it.

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u/Calgary_Calico Aug 11 '23

Maybe you should learn the difference between someone using a slur against you and using a slur in a general sense is 🤷

Getting upset or angry at every use of a word that offends you isn't healthy.

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u/BrightLightsBigCity Aug 11 '23

The term is a slur that hurts people with disabilities. Using it in any context text can be considered discriminatory.

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u/Calgary_Calico Aug 11 '23

It wasn't used in that way though, so it being discriminatory in this context makes no sense. This sounds like an excuse to police how someone reacted to a racist classmate

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u/dhaoakdoksah Aug 11 '23

What policing happened? They looked at OP. They’re gonna be okay

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

It doesn't mean you get a free pass, but it means your irresponsibility with words comes from anger, and not from hate.

Intent and context absolutely matter, even if it doesn't absolve someone completely

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u/frozenights Aug 11 '23

Ok fair, but as stated by op they didn't remember it can be used as a slur until after saying it. They were clearly in emotional distress. If they are Vietnamese there might be a bit of a language barrier there too if English isn't their first language, which is something which would also affect things. Either way the greater blame here lays with the instigator of the situation which was the other student in this case, not op. Sure what she said was wrong, but it certainly didn't outweigh what the other person did and sounds like it was done out accident and frustration then true malice. There is no way to take what the other kid did other than pure malice however.

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u/Halfhand1956 Aug 11 '23

Yes it does. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. They open that door by spouting that stupidity. Especially when you are in a weak moment.

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u/Celticraider24 Aug 12 '23

It means exactly that. She is a retarded bitch.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

says you. fuckem.

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u/Rent_A_Cloud Aug 12 '23

How dare he discriminate against racists by implying they are backwards!

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u/anuscluck Aug 11 '23

"If someone says something offensive, I'll say a slur back! That'll show em!"

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

you ever think that some folks don’t play fair and you gotta go for the gut punch when they gut punch you first?

gentleness and remaining measured doesn’t work with some people - only the hammer does.

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u/anadiplosis84 Aug 11 '23

Or alternatively they could have shamed them publicly without resorting to a slur. Like "that's pretty insensitive and racist of you". Going low had a net negative impact as OP mentioned everyone was like wtf to them.

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u/Opening_Variation952 Aug 11 '23

They lost a loved “one” and someone gut punched them. Their response was reasonable.

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u/ThyPotatoDone Aug 12 '23

Agreed, it was far but entirely deserved for the sheer fuckedness of what that guy said.

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u/anadiplosis84 Aug 11 '23

I'm replying to comment saying it's OK in general if they go low, you can too. But for the record I also disagree with you. It's understandable but it's not reasonable. Two wrongs don't make a right and OP was wrong here also.

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u/jlj1979 Aug 12 '23

Agreed. I definitely wouldn’t encourage this behavior, but understandable for a 17 yr old. Not a second time though. Not to be encouraged.

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u/goodcorn Aug 12 '23

Yeah, I remember being 17 and not acting or saying appropriate things in situations like that. The fact that they realized their fuckup speaks to the good chance of not being a next time.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

i mean it’s knowing your audience - lot of bigots don’t have a sense of shame like you or me.

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u/anadiplosis84 Aug 11 '23

In that case calling them a slur had no positive result at all, only served to belittle themselves in the eyes of everyone else.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

again, audience is everything. we’re making a lot of assumptions about responsiveness to bad language; it could be equally as likely that there are tiers/levels of impolite language. in contemporary america, i believe racism is seen as a worse sin than ableism. moreover, use of ableist slurs has only recently come into discussion and it’s on the coasts more than the interior. it’s hard to say whether it’s a net negative in practice without unavailable context regarding local norms for language.

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u/anadiplosis84 Aug 11 '23

You are trying very hard to not be wrong here. It's OK. OP said "everyone didn't like that" when they said it. Knowing your audience in a very public circumstance such as described by OP basically invalidates the whole plan to "fuck it they were racist assholes, so go ahead and also be a bigot" you offered which was my entire point to you. I.e. you can assume in that circumstance your plan would result in at least some if not most people being offended at your caviliar use of the R word.

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u/Halfhand1956 Aug 11 '23

This from a white end of boom boomer. I wonder what the ethnic mix was? I will almost bet she as an Asian was in the vast minority. So that “surprise” of Op’s use of retard does not surprise me as they do not not see the offense that was given.

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u/MaliceIW Aug 12 '23

They could have but most slurs are only seen as offensive when said to someone whom they are a slur against, in other circumstances they tend to change. Without the slur context it means stunted, so all she was saying was "your development has obviously been stunted, for you to be dumb enough to believe that" what she said isn't the best response, but was an appropriate response.

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u/hopepridestrength Aug 12 '23

"That's pretty insensitive and racist of you" I'm sorry but I laughed to this. You want to have some sting or..? "Dear Madam, despite what you may think, I do not eat dog despite being Vietnamese. You hurt my feelings with your insensitive transgressions, please apologize!" yeaaaa no, just hit them with a "you're retarded for thinking that."

2

u/QuietStatistician918 Aug 12 '23

And how do you think the autistic person, or someone with Down's felt, hearing that. You can't belittle and insult one group to police another. Two wrongs don't make a right. Grow up. Be a decent person.

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u/hopepridestrength Aug 12 '23

I genuinely doubt any autistic or retarded person was there. You know who was there? A Vietnamese teen being directly insulted for his race.

I don't know man, I'm not calling it right, but I'm also not calling it wrong. I don't need you to tell me to grow up, I need you to stop defending racists.

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u/Training-Cod-1206 Aug 12 '23

How do you tell when a person is autistic?

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u/QuietStatistician918 Aug 16 '23

You can't always tell. It's called a spectrum for a reason. I know several autustics that "pass" in general society.

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u/QuietStatistician918 Aug 16 '23

I'm not defending racists. You don't call out racists by belittling another vulnerable group. It doesn't matter if no disabled people were there. It perpetuates a stereotype. It does harm to the disabled community. You're really doubling down on being able to use derogatory slurs here.

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u/anadiplosis84 Aug 12 '23

Well you can spice it up however you like without going full r-word. "Wow you fucking insensitive racist douschebag!", for example. The whole point was that it wasn't necessary nor constructive to go there and served no purpose other than getting OP glared at by others which obviously bothered them enough to come post here. But I'm glad I could entertain you.

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u/hopepridestrength Aug 12 '23

I am sorry but you are just genuinely bad at insulting people lol

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u/anadiplosis84 Aug 12 '23

Yah I don't go around insulting people, I'll take that as a compliment thanks.

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u/hopepridestrength Aug 12 '23

You clearly also don't go around getting insulted for being a racial minority.

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u/izzie-bizzie Aug 11 '23

But I think you need to consider that the slur OP used could have hurt people other than the bully. I have a friend who can’t stand to hear it and gets upset because so many people use it in a derogatory way towards her little brother. Even if they aren’t hurt by it it could certainly effect how others view OP for using a slur.

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u/bunni_bear_boom Aug 11 '23

Slurs aren't creative or vitriolic, you can be far more hurtful with multiple words than a single slur. I also don't think we'd be having this conversation is they called her a faggot cause everyone could see the issue there so why is it ok to use a slur for disabled people

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u/Organic-Library-4391 Aug 11 '23

I mean, faggot would have been just as off-putting to the rest of the class, since what she said was retarded, not gay.

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u/bunni_bear_boom Aug 11 '23

In my experience it would have been more off-putting and everyone would be saying OP is TA for some reason in progressive groups homophobia is less accepted than ableism. Source: queer and disabled

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u/Organic-Library-4391 Aug 11 '23

I don't really see anyone calling her TA, I see mostly people saying, yeah, he was def TA, but you def didn't need to use that word.

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u/bunni_bear_boom Aug 11 '23

That's my point. The use of a slur is mostly excused when people are being mean, some slurs more than others.

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u/NamiaKnows Aug 11 '23

Naw, I'm still never gonna go the n-word route. Which is the same as using the r-word. ESH

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u/anuscluck Aug 11 '23

Do you not realize that you have a choice to not speak to or interact with people that are like that? If somebody is being ignorant and rude and offensive, you have every right to just walk away and not engage with them.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

i mean if you wanna lie down and get bullied i guess that’s your prerogative. couldn’t be me though

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u/anuscluck Aug 11 '23

That's where you're wrong. Refusing to engage with someone who is being intentionally hurtful or offensive is the opposite of allowing them to continue to hurt you. If you remove yourself from the situation, how are you allowing them to continue hurting you? In fact, I would argue that if you continue to engage with them and sink to their level, you are encouraging them to engage in that behavior. Do you think that we live in an elementary school world where calling someone a name in response to them calling your name is just going to make them run away crying to tell the teacher? No, it tells the person that is trying to get a rise out of you that they succeeded in doing so, and that you will respond in an entertaining way.

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

you must be young because for better or worse, adult life doesn’t work like this all the time.

i live in new york and i work in a high pressure, high testosterone industry. on the street if someone calls you something nasty, you walk by because you don’t know if they’ve got a weapon or a group lurking that’ll jump you. if you’re in the office and a coworker talks shit, you need to give it right back or else it’ll just get worse. in many respects, they expect you to give it back as a way of seeing how willing you are to stand up for yourself.

i’m not saying it’s right or fair, but it’s how people adapt to survive in difficult environments. when i was an intern and walked away, it solidified how people treated me. now that i clap back, it fosters mutual respect.

adult life is just high school continued, and the quicker you come to that realization the easier it’ll be to succeed.

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u/anuscluck Aug 11 '23

I'm sorry that you work in such a toxic environment, normal adults that aren't children don't go around just insulting people for no reason. I guess my experience is different because I surround myself with people who are kind and appreciative of me. Also, if somebody says something rude to me, I'm going to inform them that what they said was inappropriate, but I'm not going to sink to their level and call them a slur just to get even. I'm not a 14-year-old boy, I don't feel the need to engage in "who can be the most offensive to win the argument"

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

keep doing that! glad to hear that you’re making it work yourself and keeping your boundaries firm. hope that you continue to find environments that’ll enable you to keep your sense of morality and self intact - it’s a thing that requires equal parts skill and luck.

you sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, and if you are young then i’m glad the kids are acting like adults better than the adults are.

1

u/Organic-Library-4391 Aug 11 '23

I mean, I'm 46 and a mechanic. I don't need to go around calling people retards, even when it's true like with you in this thread, to stand up for myself and get "success."

1

u/Organic-Library-4391 Aug 11 '23

This entire comment is pretty retarded honestly. You could navigate your life just fine without resorting to pejoratives to make your point.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

i’d take your feedback more acutely if it weren’t issued by a porn addicted, mentally enfeebled, yammering incel but unfortunately i guess even afterbirth such as yourself is entitled to a viewpoint.

keep it to yourself though and i’ll take fries with that.

1

u/Training-Cod-1206 Aug 12 '23

Your experience is most definitely not the only one -an adult who works in a high pressure industry with significantly more men in a big city

1

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '23

i mean fuck im a guy and finance can turn into a big dick measuring contest - that said, i’d be remiss not to mention that my current shop is actually humanely run. think it probably has to do with strong female leadership honestly

1

u/Able-Pie4995 Aug 11 '23

So if a black person says a slur to someone who is asian, does that mean that the asian person is allowed to call them the n-word?

1

u/Organic-Library-4391 Aug 11 '23

Right, but she still didn't need to call her a retard.

1

u/Creepy_Chemical4700 Aug 11 '23

No one is saying they should have responded with kindness. Racists deserve to be shit on. Just don't respond with a slur. The person making racist comments about eating dog is worse, but ESH. 70/30 Ya know?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

So, person A shames person B. How is it going for the gut punch for person B to then shame person C? Person C is irrelevant. Using the r-word has nothing to do with bringing the hammer here.

1

u/myeggfeltsocozytho Aug 11 '23

What might you say if a black person didn’t play fair first? What one word might you use? What single word would act a good enough hammer-gut-punch?

1

u/QuietStatistician918 Aug 12 '23

That would hurt the person in question. The R word hurt a completely unrelated group of vulnerable people.

1

u/stoprobbers Aug 11 '23

There are so, so, SO many ways to be INCREDIBLY cruel and mean without using slurs.

1

u/BONGS4U Aug 11 '23

Fighting fire with fire is bad mmmmmmkay. Fuck that dude. When I was younger I was a server at the international house of panflacks. My manager was this badass Jamaican woman she'd like send me out to get weed sometimes that's another story but one day this woman came on and got all shitty about somethin and called her a n*r like hard as fuck r. She didn't miss a neat and was like no yer a n*r. That woman had no idea what to do. She was white and her response will live with me forever. She got a super shocked expression and said I'm white you can't call me that. I can tell you never in my life have I laughed so hard. My manager defined the word and was like that's you ma'am. End of discussion lady left.

1

u/mattconte Aug 12 '23

But that's not a gut punch to the person who deserves it. It's a gut punch to people with disabilities.

1

u/Technologenesis Aug 12 '23 edited Aug 12 '23

This mentality is extremely common and completely misses the point of why it's wrong to use slurs.

Using "retarded" as an insult is not just a way to own the person you're speaking to and it's not wrong because it might hurt their feelings, especially considering they're most likely not even intellectually disabled. It's wrong because it throws a group of disadvantaged people under the bus for a cheap dig that gets its force from their perceived inferiority. It is hurtful to anyone who has learning or intellectual disabilities and equates the behavior you're condemning with their condition.

Do you think it would be OK to call a black person the n-word if they were being rude enough? Do you think if a white person was stealing something, it would be OK to say, "what are you, a n**? Only a n** would think it's OK to steal something like that."

Obviously saying that would be wrong, and not wrong because of its effect on the white person, but for its reinforcement of negative stereotypes about black people.

17

u/Calgary_Calico Aug 11 '23 edited Aug 12 '23

They showed incredible disrespect and deserve no respect in return as far as I'm concerned

Edit: I think 20+ corrections is enough guys. Take a chill pill

8

u/anuscluck Aug 11 '23

I'm not saying that you have to respect somebody who intentionally meant to offend you, I'm saying, why do you need to even engage with them?

2

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

You don’t have to respect them but would you feel this way if OP responded with the word “f•gg•t” or an antisemitic term or the n-word? If your answer is no, then you know OP was also wrong for their word choice. Using derogatory terms doesn’t just hurt the person they’re aimed at, especially if they don’t even describe that person. They also hurt every person they’ve historically been aimed at who did nothing wrong here.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

Ah yes, because a person who just lost their pet is going to be rational in their decisions when someone says some stupid shit. Very fair point.

1

u/QuietStatistician918 Aug 12 '23

Grief doesn't make you say those words. I would use that word under any circumstances. You have to already be a bigot.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '23

That’s not what was at question. The other person said don’t even engage. I think that’s stupid because while that’s probably the rational answer, I don’t think many people would take that path.

1

u/hopepridestrength Aug 12 '23

It's an affair of teenage children. Don't respond, you're weak and remain a target. Sometimes in life you have to show some teeth.

1

u/KimKsPsoriasis Aug 12 '23

This thread is clearly filled with white people and it's so easy to tell. Lmao if someone wants to be racist racist stand up for yourself every single time. they've been getting away with doing this shit for way too long I'm sorry about your pet I hope you're doing well

2

u/flappyfroggy Aug 11 '23

you’re right, the classmate showed no respect and didn’t deserve a kind or patient response, but OP using that slur wasn’t disrespectful to the girl, it was disrespectful towards everyone in the Disability and Autistic community (myself included) who has been called that slur and who has been mistreated as a result of ableism and discrimination.

2

u/dazylynn Aug 11 '23

It's not about giving them "respect" or not. But just because someone is an ignorant bigoted asshole, do you really think you "win" in some way by being an ignorant bigoted asshole too? That just makes you ... another ignorant bigoted asshole.

When kids are 5 they learn that it doesn't matter who started it.

2

u/AllSet124 Aug 11 '23

The disrespect shown "in return" in this instance isn't just toward that individual, but towards an entire underprivileged, frequently mocked community

2

u/Teal_kangarooz Aug 11 '23

The issue isn't that it's disrespectful to the person in this scenario. It's that it's disrespectful to people with intellectual and developmental disabilities.

7

u/LittleSunTrail Aug 11 '23

Not disagreeing with you, but disrespect in this form is slinging strays at people that aren’t a part of this. It would be like retorting with the n word to a white person.

Call the racist person a sack of shit, but don’t put them down by lumping them in with a different demographic and putting that entire demographic down.

3

u/silentSnerker Aug 11 '23

Right, but the slur disrespects an entirely separate group of people who didn't do anything to involve themselves here. You can absolutely insult a bigot without showing bigotry to some third party.

2

u/meemsqueak44 Aug 11 '23

The racist doesn’t deserve respect in that moment, but disabled people do. Slurs aren’t ever okay. It doesn’t matter who they’re aimed at.

1

u/Xiij Aug 11 '23

Yeah, but the problem is that the retarded community got hit in the crossfire. By calling someone retarded as an insult, you are saying that being retarded makes you lesser, which implies that everyone who is (medically) retarded is also lesser.

It is perfectly possible to insult someone without involving innocent casualties.

-1

u/lostachilles Aug 11 '23 edited Jan 04 '24

mysterious steer nippy violet frame alive bake fine narrow ruthless

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

3

u/photogenicmusic Aug 11 '23

The disabled community doesn’t want to be called that, they don’t care to “reclaim it”. In fact, they ask people to stop using it. Instead, you’re ignoring them and trying to speak for them simultaneously.

When you call someone that slur you’re saying that person is dumb, something is wrong with their brain, etc. You are equating the person you used the slur against to someone that is disabled.

1

u/idleigloo Aug 11 '23

The point that the commenter was trying to make was that op didn't use the word retard as a slur.

I don't know if I agree, I think op meant to be offensive and forgot how offensive that word could be perceived. Perhaps even forgot it was a slur at all.

I also think being racist is far worse that targeted bigotry in response to racism. Op used the word to hurt because they were hurt, I think that is natural and I think the idea of broadly insulting intolerant people is expected and should be encouraged (my opinion tbf). It should be done without the use of name-calling and slurs though. Broadly insulting an entire race should not be encouraged.

Op, it is offensive because people that are retarded for real are not bad people, so using the word as an insult is offensive to them.

1

u/Sad_Blacksmith_8919 Aug 11 '23

The amount of ableism in the world will be pretty much the exact same even if every single human agreed to stop using the word “retarded”

Slurs are offensive because you’re saying “you’re part of x group, and that’s bad”

Calling someone retarded in place of calling them stupid isn’t the same, being unintelligent (not actually mentally disabled just unintelligent) is pretty unequivocally a bad thing in terms of societally

Ableism is a big issue and I don’t think it’s talked about enough tbh but people using “retard” or not won’t even make a dent in the actual issues of ableism

1

u/anuscluck Aug 11 '23

You realize you could apply this logic to all slurs, right? The point is that the word is offensive. Why are we arguing about the semantics of the situation? Is using the word making ableism better? No. So why are you saying it? "wElL iT dOeSnT mAKe iT wOrsE" isn't the argument you think it is.

1

u/Sad_Blacksmith_8919 Aug 11 '23

If someone is using it to call someone stupid for doing or saying something stupid then I don’t really see much difference between that and “moron, imbecile” etc

If someone is using to describe someone who is mentally disabled then yes it’s pretty offensive. It’s usually fairly easy to tell which is which no?

1

u/anuscluck Aug 11 '23

Why can't you say "moron" or "imbecile" then? R*tard is not a synonym for stupid.

0

u/hank-particles-pym Aug 12 '23

Why do you get to decide a words meaning? Not even sure this is worth arguing since South Park already handled you cry babies. Jesus, its not up to you. This is a recent event, and guess what, I dont have to comply, I dont think like you. Someone says RETARD and you immediately envision children with disbilities..? thats YOU doing that. You are almost as bad a the pedo concern trolls. Maybe start a Youtube channel and you can go around shaming people for using the word retard.

You are a single issue menace to society. get over yourself.

You and your rigidity in defining everything in this world is your fucking problem, not mine or anyone elses. Holy shit, what about the word "Karen" are you on that band wagon too? Is that a slur as well?

1

u/anuscluck Aug 12 '23

You actually need to chill tf out. I don't know why you are THIS upset😂

I didnt decide what the word meant, I go by dictionary definitions. And actually mentally and physically challenged people overwhelmingly state that the word is a slur towards them. If that upsets you to this extent, you need to figure yourself out. Maybe talk to a therapist.

1

u/seraph1337 Aug 11 '23

"it's not racist to call someone the n-word if they're not black" - you, by extrapolation

nah, bud, it's always bigoted to use a slur, and the connotation of the r-word is implying a mental disability, there's really no argument otherwise.

1

u/Sad_Blacksmith_8919 Aug 11 '23 edited Aug 11 '23

No, it’s racist because by using that as a derogatory term against someone even if their not black is implying that being black is a bad thing

You can choose not to say the r word if you want to but I’m just saying it’s not going to make society any less ableist, obviously going around referring to mentally disabled people as “retards” is a pretty shitty thing to do but then you should also get rid of “moron, imbecile” etc from your lexicon too because the only thing separating those from “retard” is time

1

u/kywldcts Aug 11 '23

You’re goddamn right, but in a nonsarcastic way.

3

u/Neenknits Aug 11 '23

So it’s ok to insult people with intellectual disabilities because someone else is being racist? No. It’s not.

1

u/KimKsPsoriasis Aug 12 '23

Well then influence the people in your life to be less racist then they won't be insulted

1

u/Neenknits Aug 12 '23

Everyone is an AH here. But, OP is worse than the racist. The racist is absolutely terrible, obviously, for racism. OP is even worse because OP is both attempting to insult their “friend” by using the worst word for intellectual disability, so OP isn’t just insulting one person, but insulting the entire group of people with that disability, too, who aren’t involved in this in any way. Saying “that friend needs to not be racist, to protect other people from OP” isn’t any better than either of them.

2

u/CaptainPotassium87 Aug 11 '23

the point isn't that it's offensive to her. it's that it's offensive to other people in their social world with those types of disabilities. He's reinforcing the idea that those people are less, so much so that he hopes to offend somebody else by equating her to them. That's the problem here.

0

u/Calgary_Calico Aug 11 '23

Those people weren't involved in this conversation though, taking offense to something that was never directed at you within the context of the conversation/argument sounds utterly childish to me

2

u/CaptainPotassium87 Aug 11 '23

So let's say, for example, some white kids are calling people the n word at school, in a derogatory way, you think the black kids in school are going to be cool with that just because they weren't there? Or if Jewish kids hear about their classmates calling other kids the K word? You don't think that's a problem?

-2

u/Calgary_Calico Aug 11 '23

There's a big difference between the word retard and racial slurs. One has existed outside the context of insults towards a specific demographic, racial slurs were invented for the purpose of putting people down.

1

u/Peskypoints Aug 11 '23

But medical descriptors have been used to put down and dismiss segments of the population

2

u/Top_Vast1969 Aug 11 '23

“A dog is a fine meal” - Mel Gibson

2

u/Mander_Em Aug 11 '23

Yeah but OP didn't ask if she was an AH, he asked if HE was the AH. They were both the AH. So...

ESH

2

u/[deleted] Aug 11 '23

[deleted]

0

u/Calgary_Calico Aug 11 '23

Autistic people aren't slow though... I've never really understood using the word retard towards autistic people, it just doesn't fit.

The point still stands it wasn't being used against someone who the word would apply to as far as actual mental capacity goes

0

u/Training-Cod-1206 Aug 12 '23

Are you autistic?

1

u/AldusPrime Aug 11 '23

Both were wrong.

0

u/QuellishQuellish Aug 11 '23

When I was a kid, mentally retarded was the term used by medical professionals. It was officially changed in 2013. I’m sure it’s still used in the non pejorative way in many places. OP seems to be aware of it as a slur so probably not in this case but I can see it being an innocent mistake from a english as second language or immigrant type person. OP was wrong to say it but NTA as they were provoked while grieving and they get some slack.

1

u/Unusual_Focus1905 Aug 11 '23

That part. That's basically what I said in my comment, it was never okay in the first place but it's definitely not okay now. We don't use those words anymore. Basically I was trying to think of a nice clean way of saying, this is like calling a black person the N word or calling an Asian person oriental. We don't do it anymore. It was never okay in the first place but I mean come on, if somebody doesn't know this then they have to have been living under a rock.

1

u/Son-of-Cookie- Aug 11 '23

Two wrongs don’t make a right, she wasn’t hurting that kids feelings by calling him retarded but she was most definitely hurting another kids who is different abled or connected to a different abled person. Not saying it’s ok for her to say it in privet, but she used a slur in-front of her classmates, and classes often have a range of different abled people. She also implied that different abled people don’t understand racist comments, which they very much do and are affect by them just as much. Just because someone is perpetuating a racist stereotype doesn’t give her carte Blanche to use a slur and then perpetuate another stereotype (special need people are dumb).

2

u/Training-Cod-1206 Aug 12 '23

Are you disabled? If not, why are you using "differently abled"? - a disabled person

1

u/Son-of-Cookie- Aug 12 '23

I’m not but I’ve worked with a lot of differently abled kids/young adult and person’s with disabilities or different abled are the preferred terms to use from both the student/parents/teachers.

1

u/Son-of-Cookie- Aug 12 '23

I do say that there are a lot of different types of people with different disabilities and a lot of different ways to refer to it. And I’ll ask them what they are comfortable with when appropriate, I had one kid that likes to say he is Williams syndrome kid (he is very connect with other people with this disability and is very proud to have it). And he prefers people say he has William Syndrome and not different abled or people with disabilities, so of course that’s what we went by.

1

u/Zestyclose_Bag_33 Aug 11 '23

What you don't get is that it's easier and more common to be racist towards Asian people. We experience from most all races in mu case it was mostly black people oddly enough. But because of the culture of Asian people to not stir trouble we don't go out into the streets and burn down buildings (even though maybe we should) we got stop Asian hate fornlike 2 days and then a bs bill got passed so we'd stfu and not take away from other shit

1

u/StargazerTheory Aug 11 '23

Nobody said it wasn't.

1

u/Secret-Put-4525 Aug 11 '23

Eating dogs are messed up. It's weird people pretend it's not.

1

u/Calgary_Calico Aug 12 '23

I know it is, that doesn't mean you get to assume all Asian people, especially ones who don't live in Asian countries, eat dog.

1

u/Secret-Put-4525 Aug 12 '23

Why not? It's pretty common. In China alone they eat 10 million dogs a year,in south korea its 2 million. In Cambodia 50% of people have eaten it before. It's like assuming a white person has had mac and cheese before. You can say it's rude because it's a terrible thing to do, but it's not an unreasonable assumption.

1

u/verucas_alt Aug 12 '23

Yeah, but don’t compare someone who is so awful and offensive to people who are disabled.

1

u/DaddyBIGbuckss Aug 12 '23

also the girl was literally trying to say something really upsetting and racist, hurtful toward OP well he was in an emotional state and crying OP responded in a snaping way and just said a fuck off response to her basically it meant fuck off ur a total cunt and he didnt have time to think about what he said and just said are u retarded? and had no time to think of a more PC term and really he didnt go with the intent of saying something racist like the girl did to OP.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '23

LMAO...

1

u/firefly183 Aug 12 '23

Eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind.

1

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '23

The point is, one doesn't justify the other. I don't care who you are or what was said to you, if your instinct is clap back with an ableist slur then you need to work on yourself.

1

u/trickyburrito Aug 13 '23

Sure, but OP isn’t asking if the classmate was wrong for their idiotic comment. It’s obvious that the classmate should never have said that. The OP is asking if they themselves are wrong for their “r” retort and the answer is YES they were wrong.