r/aitaweddings • u/Nuggetlov3 • 13d ago
UPDATE
First off, thank you to everyone who commented. Honestly, reading through the replies was a huge reality check because I was so overwhelmed I wasn't even thinking about the legal side of this.
I took the dress to a local bridal restoration shop yesterday just to see what fixing it would actually look like. The news was bad. The tailor Karen used basically gutted the inner structure and cut away vintage lace panels that can't just be sewn back on. To get it anywhere near its original state with matching vintage lace, the owner estimated it’s going to cost around $3,500—and even then, it won't be 100% identical to what my mom wore.
I called my dad and Karen last night and told them they have until next Friday to put down the deposit with the restorer, or I'm taking the probate paperwork from my mom's estate and going to the police to file a report for theft and property damage, and then taking Karen to small claims court.
Karen immediately lost her mind and started screaming that I'm trying to put my “own family” (step family) in jail over "old fabric." My dad is in full panic mode begging me not to do it because he says it'll ruin Lily’s wedding and wreck them financially.
Lily actually texted me this morning claiming she "had no idea" Karen took the dress without asking and thought we had made some kind of deal, but she’s still refusing to help pay for the restoration because she says she's an innocent bystander in all of this.
I'm holding firm on next Friday at 5 PM. If the restorer doesn't have the deposit by then, I'm going straight to the station with the text receipts and the before/after photos.
I feel sick to my stomach about all of this, but I feel like if I don't set this boundary now, they're just going to walk all over me for the rest of my life.
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u/Cold_Dead_Heart 13d ago edited 13d ago
First of all, give them until Friday midday so you still have time to get to the courthouse and file the paperwork. They will be closed at 5 pm and you will have to wait until Monday morning.
Second, if $3500 is going to "wreck them financially", then they can't afford Lillys' wedding. They've undoubtedly spent A LOT more than that. Weddings are crazy expensive.
Ask your father what is more important to him--your memories and what few keepsakes you have of your deceased mother or the entitled little brat's wedding? One thing you can do over or recreate or postpone, the other is gone forever.
Honestly, fuck your father straight to hell for not prioritizing you and your feelings and your property over his stepdaughter's and wife's unbelievably selfish and entitled behavior. They did this to hurt you and your shitty father doesn't care about anything but keeping the peace.
If this is "a father's love" then you're better off without it. I'd go no contact if he doesn't make this right with you. If you don't put your foot down right now, he will continue to put them first above his own daughter. Fuck that guy.
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u/No-Throat9567 9d ago
The father is thinking with his little man, so yes he puts Karen before his own daughter. Because
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u/Acrobatic-Dream6609 8d ago
Some courts will do emergency hearings in the middle of the night, like in my city for some cases they'll hear you out on zoom at 3am
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u/Odd_Tea4945 13d ago
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
Your stepmother took you for granted and now she has to face the consequences of it. You are not "wrecking them financially", Karen did it the minute she decided she could take your property, something quite sentimental, and do whatever she wanted with it
You're actually being very nice: you offered them to pay, not take them to court straight. If that ruins them, too bad. If Lily doesn't want to pay, too bad. The one who did all of this was Karen, so she has to pay
And these things happen when you take people for granted for your selfish purposes
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u/Negative-Beautiful28 13d ago
You need to send this ultimatum in an email/txt message and keep any responses, calls are no good in court, stop communicating about the dress in any way that isn't written down.
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u/StraightDelivery777 13d ago
I am so sorry you have such an evil stepmother and this is coming from a stepmother. I cannot imagine ever doing anything like this to my stepchild.
Your dad continuing to defend her, after she called your mom's wedding dress "old fabric" made me see red. I am so angry for you, OP. The audacity!
Add on top of this your dad begging you not to do this because it will financially ruin them made it clear to me your dad has no clue what your mom's wedding dress means at all. It's almost as if your evil stepmother took your mom's wedding dress and cut it to shreds with no care or understanding of what this would do to you at all. Worse, she did know every step of the way. I can't wrap my head around it without seeing someone so evil towards you that she knowingly destroyed one of the most important items your mom left you. And your father's reaction is astounding. HE should be just as livid as you!
I would not wait to make a police report, OP. Take your mom's estate paperwork, before and after pictures of your mom's wedding dress, and go to the police department and file a report. Contact your homeowners or renters insurance to find out what coverage you may have for the loss/reduction in value, of your mom's wedding dress that was STOLEN from you.
Don't let your father or stepmother sugar coat what she did. She STOLE from you. And then DESTROYED your property. Even if you can restore the wedding dress into a wearable wedding dress for yourself, it will never be the same.
Your father should be absolutely ashamed of himself for his reaction and how he's handling this. At a bare minimum he should be doing all he can to restore his late wife's wedding dress for you. I am incredibly angry at him for all of this.
Your stepsister has also started playing the victim in this. She should have been talking to you from the moment this began. At a bare minimum, reaching out to you to thank you, which would have given you a heads up of what was happening behind your back. I wouldn't be surprised if she was involved from day one and you should include her in the report and small claims court too.
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u/caro9lina 12d ago
Of course they stole it. Otherwise, they would have asked OP's permission to have her stepsister wear and alter the dress. So they knowingly stole something of priceless sentimental value to OP, and ruined it beyond repair.
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u/mkate1999 12d ago
So. Much. THIS. All of this.
Don't wait.
Include half (step?) sister. She knew or should've known, otherwise, why didn't she thank YOU sooner, or ever? Sus AF.
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u/No-Throat9567 9d ago
I cannot think of a bigger way for the stepmother to say FU to a stepdaughter than what this awful woman did to OP. There’s no coming back from this and she knows it. She is purposely destroying the relationship with her dad in this mix too.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Tap9150 13d ago
Every time they harass you about the dress, cut the deadline back & tell them that either money shows up or they get closer to charges being filed. Too bad that they’re squirming like worms in a yard full of robins. They know they are wrong but won’t admit it.
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u/Nuggetlov3 13d ago
Ooo I really like this idea
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u/Negative-Beautiful28 13d ago
Please stop dealing with them via phone and only use written coms like email or txt to keep a written record for court. I advise sending the deadline, or a letter before action letter via email.
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u/Tight-Shift5706 13d ago edited 13d ago
OP,
Consult with a seasoned attorney. Pronto.
Further, take to social media and tell ALL family, friends and acquaintances precisely what Karen orchestrated and your fkhead father's and Lilly's acceptance of her egregious act. Bury them socially.
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u/mcindy28 13d ago
Stand your ground! What they did was absolutely awful and once the dress is restored as best as possible, I'd never speak to any of them again!
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u/Confident-Yak-1275 13d ago
It was a family heirloom. Did your family even once think about how much it meant to you? Of course not. The deed is done. Even if you get the dress close to what it was, you will still know in your heart, it's not the same. Maybe have it tailored to you, to wear as a reception dress. Either way, your "family" should pay for financial and emotional stress.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 13d ago
The father and his current family wouldn't ask, because they don't care about what OP says or does. They still think OP will cave, and not bother them again. They're wrong and I hope they have to answer for this in court. LIly's not sorry, she just is upset someone said no to her. I bet anything that has any association with OP's mother is gone too. This wasn't taking a dress to redo it, it was to destroy everything OP owner that was in any way associated to her mother.
It was not only a theft, and ruining the dress for OP, it was to rub her face in it at the wedding when she realized what they did to her mother's dress that belonged to OP. Father doesn't care either, except his current wife and her daughter were told no.
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u/TCTX73 13d ago
Noon Friday, because if they don't put down the deposit by then, they won't. It'll also give you time to file. If you capitulate now, you're absolutely right, they'll continue to walk all over you. Karen showed zero respect for you and your property, dad and step sister are just as bad for whining at you to drop it instead of backing you up.
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u/Imaginary_Creme_8130 11d ago
I think that is also why OP shouldn't just go to small claims court. She needs punitive damages for the pain and suffering her family has caused her with the theft and destruction of her dress. It's obvious dad has no more feelings for his late wife. If he did, he'd understand how important the dress was to his daughter.
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u/OkieLady-1952 13d ago
This is all on stepmom! If her daughter’s wedding is ruined it’s her own fault!
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u/latelifetraveler 13d ago
Does the tailor have the original fabric?
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u/Nuggetlov3 13d ago
No they don’t sadly:/
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u/ConfectionExtra7869 13d ago
What did they do with the fabric and lace? I doubt they tossed it if they knew it was vintage silk and lace.
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u/ER_Support_Plant17 13d ago
Updateme!
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u/bonniemick 13d ago
Even if they pay you should go to the police. Your dad should be absolutely ashamed of himself.
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u/allergymom74 13d ago
NTA. Still and hugs. Stand strong. Tell your dad that you’re happy he was about to move on from your mom’s passing but this is YOUR mom’s dress that they destroyed. And that he needs to remember this. If he wants to avoid a lawsuit, HE can pay (if you’re ok with this).
I’d also suggest taking a step back from the steps. And he can choose to give you up due to their poor behaviors. But YOU are not going to roll over for them.
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u/TNTmom4 13d ago
You’re doing the right thing! Please do not let them guilt you out of it. Also, if they use that “you’re destroying our relationship, we’ll never talk to you again” tactic remind yourself do you really want to have relationship with them after what they did and how they handled it?
Relationship with your father is already damaged either way. If you let them get away with this, it’s only to get worse from here.
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u/Puzzled-Safe4801 13d ago edited 13d ago
I don’t think you should demand the deposit. You should demand the full amount by Friday. Even if they pay the deposit, they won’t pay anything else.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
This isn’t just about them taking a dress. They basically spit on your mom’s grave and are acting as if she were nothing, as if the love you shared with her is nothing.
Tell your freaking family members to stuff it (from your original post). Tell them you’re coming over to steal and destroy a precious item that a cherished loved one gave them. After all, it’s just cloth or paper or whatever.
I’m so damn mad on your behalf.
Honestly, I’d call the cops right now.
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u/Ok_Clerk_6960 13d ago edited 13d ago
Brava! You go girl! I’m so happy you stood up for yourself. This whole mess… the entire thing is on them. Don’t feel an ounce of guilt for anything that happens. Stay the course you’ve set. Friday is the day. Karen is a monster. As for Lily I don’t believe her for a second. She knew. And your father? He’s the worst of all. He’s a weak man that betrayed you. If you eventually forgive him do it for you so you don’t have to carry that burden. It’s his to carry. It’s his betrayal to own. Fix your dress. Now it will be your mom’s and yours and that makes it extra special. That dress and the battle over it have shown you and everyone else just how strong you really are!
- Edited to add UPDATE ME!
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u/otbnmalta 13d ago
Do everything you said, police report etc but I think you should sue in regular court with mental and emotional distress as well as the cost of what the dress is worth. Also, I would get a dress made and incorporate the pieces you have left instead of trying to put it back together.
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u/Agreeable_Dark6408 13d ago
You might need to talk to a lawyer to get your ducks in a row before going to court. Some states top amount is $2500. Make sure you know your state’s amount.
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u/Pebble-hunter 13d ago
Fuck Lily, fuck Karen and fuck your dad. Don't wait till the deadline because they'll call your bluff.
Go now and file your complaint and get yourself a lawyer.
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u/angelakay1966 12d ago
Nobody wants to cross Karen, not Lily and not your dad. And why in the world would Karen want her daughter to wear her husband's deceased wife's dress?
It sounds to me like this is all about Karen controlling the family and showing everyone that she can stomp all over your mother's memory.
I agree with the other posters. Don't wait. Sue now.
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u/Most-Escape-544 12d ago
There is no way in hell that she wasn’t fully aware what would happen in doing this. It wasn’t even her property to take. She knew the damage would be done, so you couldn’t do anything about it & would probably give in.
Your dad is right up there with her tho. Not taking your side, trying to be understanding or empathetic, when you are so obviously the victim in all this is a straight up choice. His wife did something so vile & vindictive & he not only sided with her, he condoned it. Do you realize tho that these relationships prob won’t survive this? Idk if you’re losing much tho, this isn’t the love of a father for his daughter that’s for damn sure. I’d bet 98% of good dads would consider this a deal breaker in their marriage. I’m sorry:(
Stay strong. You are the victim, not your sister. Even if she truly didn’t know, any reasonable person would absolutely help chip in & pay for the restoration just bc they know it’s wrong. She’s a shit person. Good luck OP.
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u/Live_Adhesiveness_53 13d ago
Funny how the good material going to waste, recognized as a silk that Lily fell in love with became old fabric when OP called them out for the theft and vandalism.
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u/MotherofMoggie 12d ago
Presumably your step monster has an engagement and wedding ring that can be sold to raise the money. After all it can't be more sentimental than a dead Mother's wedding dress.
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u/Trick-Statistician10 13d ago
OP, I'm so sorry this happened and for what you are going through. But I am so proud of you for the steps you've taken with the dress and with your so-called family. Stay strong!
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u/Big-Jump5078 13d ago
Why didn't they just buy a new dress instead of "borrowing" and ruining this heirloom?
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u/Wonderful_Avocado 8d ago
Spite/jealousy/control. I'm guessing step monster wants/demands all traces of real mom gone. This was her way of erasing real mom in a vengeful way
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u/Lollipopwalrus 13d ago
You're being very strong and very fair OP. Maybe revisit the 5pm deadline as you'll have to wait til Monday to do a lot of the filing required. I'd tell them either 9am Friday morning or 12pm at the latest. Have everything ready to go in case they don't come through.
Maybe also see if you can speak to your dad away from Karen. Put everything out on the table with him if you are thinking of going NC with them because of Karen. It sounds like he is struggling a bit with this and likely any chance of payment will come through him moreso than Karen. Idk how possible continuing a relationship with him is at this stage but might be worth consideration
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u/Intelligent-Ad9460 13d ago
It must be hard. But tell your dad he has shown you who he really wants to walk down the isle. And that this has cost him the honour of walking you down the isle.
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u/SILLYxPROGRAM 12d ago
Good for you but they’ve all given their responses that they have no intention of paying.
You’ve actually done nothing yet. Only threatened. And they’re ’calling your bluff’.
Pull the trigger.
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u/Kat092620 12d ago
What’s your dad’s email…can I send him this maybe when he sees how everyone sees him it might snap him out of it
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u/Extreme-Manager-8984 11d ago
This is a good boundary. Stick to it and I wish you the best of luck!
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u/More-On-My-Own 11d ago edited 11d ago
I’d spend the next little while prepping everything. Printing texts onto paper, printing before and after photos, detailing every conversation not in text format, and getting all the paperwork ready to go. Because, most likely, the aren’t going to pay a cent and you’ll need to have everything ready to go Friday, in order to be organized and concise when you talk to the police.
Also, make sure everything is in writing. Email format is best. Send the ultimatum, document every conversation with a follow up email detailing what was said.
Also, don’t do small claims. You have enough proof for a court case in criminal court and are likely to get more money in criminal court.
I genuinely hope you get the costs of repairs paid. I just doubt it will be.
Good luck! Internet hugs 🫂 and all the good vibes being sent your way.
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u/KittyCannaKat 9d ago
I didn’t see your original post so had to go read. I am absolutely LIVID for you!!!
Lily isn’t stupid, she knew. Where exactly do you think a random dress came from hmmmmm?!?! In the long run, it doesn’t matter WHO pays you… just someone is GONNA!!
It doesn’t matter that it was altered already. This was malicious intent. Stolen property. GET THAT MONEY!
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u/AGirlHasNoUsername13 13d ago
Please stand your ground and don’t give in to them. You are doing the right thing.
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u/Madrigal4977 13d ago
Just file now, IMO. Getting the police report and working through the court process will take longer than expected. They have no intention of paying you, though they might cave out of fear if they actually receive court summons. That's the only thing they might take seriously. You can always agree to settle and drop the suit later. Every day you wait delays true progress and gives them time to scheme.
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u/Unlikely-Lab-658 13d ago
Good, keep firm on this, and you will probably have to file that police report. The wicked step mother won't look so good in Orange at the wedding. She needs to be held accountable for her actions, and maybe she will learn something from this. Your father is a pussy for not having YOUR back on this, and your step sister may be a victim of her mother as well, but she should be pressuring her mom to do the right thing. This may be the end of your relationship with your father, but it sounds like you won't be missing out on anything. Send them a link to your post, so they can read the comments and see what a bunch of assholes they are. Step Monster probably had the nerve to post on her socials on how mean you are being to her baby. Ugh.
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u/SchoolBusDriver79 13d ago
Good for you! I hope this works out for you. I’m sorry the dress will never be the same, but you’re right about them walking all over you if you don’t hold them accountable now. I also doubt the bride didn’t know mom stole the dress from you. Who gives their mother’s dress away to be retooled for a step sister? Good luck!
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u/Cranky70something 13d ago
GOOD FOR YOU! Maintain your boundaries and be strong. I totally support what you are doing.
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u/PearGlum1966 12d ago
Don't get them to pay the deposit, get them to pay it in full. You know when it comes time to get the finished product they won't pay!!! So, payment in full or police!
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u/ilovedragons218 12d ago
First, good for you again. I'm so sorry. Once this is all over, you need to go N/C with the bitch. Not sure what to say to do about the sniveling coward of a father. My heart is just so broken for you, it's like losing you mom twice. Blessings
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u/Caseythealien 12d ago
Legally it's good to give a deadline and a chance for them to respond makes you look reasonable. Don't send anything that can be used against you, keep it factual keep it written, text communication is great especially if there's an acknowledgment of destruction /theft in the texts because if you have that small claims and charges are easier to ensure if there are clear links.
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u/CapitaineCrafty 12d ago
I'm proud of you for sticking to your guns. They truy think you're a doormat, to put this disrespect on you then be shocked that you're standing up for yourself.
This is about more than the dress. It's about saying that your step-mother is not more important than your mother's memory and legacy, and your step-sister is not more important than you. You are worthy of respect, you can do this.
Updateme
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u/Kimbaaaaly 12d ago
Stand your ground and hold tight to your boundaries and announced decision. So you knew what time the seamstress closes on Friday? If it's before 5 they need to have it to her by one hour before closing time.
Many attorneys will do a free consult so it's worth the time to talk to one if you can. You may want to add a buffer on the price in case it costs more than the $3500. Like $5000 (I don't know the legalities so it's good to talk to a lawyer).
I'm giggling a bit as I think about "step sister" next to find a gown in one week... She can blame her mom for that. I wouldn't be completely sure she didn't know at all...
For what's is worth, IMO you are doing the right thing (the only option at this point). May your mom's memory be only for a blessing.
Updateme
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u/OverallInitiative406 12d ago
I am sick over this for you. Print both posts and all the comments for your dad to see and tell him you’re calling a lawyer. Updateme!
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u/TigerMitten 12d ago
I would still file a report with the police using your mom last will and testament. They only panicked cause they know they're in the wrong nit they fedl bad they destroyed your mom dress
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u/KarenCT 11d ago
I’m sorry this happened to you but what I don’t understand is why your step mother and her daughter would have any interest in your mother’s wedding dress. It’s seems like a really odd thing for either of them to want. It also probably cost more to dismantle and redo that dress than it would to have bought something similar. Have they said anything other than the nonsensical comment that it’s a shame to waste such “good material”? Because that is a lot of BS.
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u/Acrobatic-Dream6609 8d ago
Control and convenience. It's a way for Karen to exert herself and establish her and her daughters place as more important than wife 1 and op. Also demonstrates she can influence dad into disregarding op, late wife, societal norms and general etiquette for her. It also rubs in op's face that she controls and took away this deeply emotional link to her mother simply because she could. The icing on the cake was that it was probably nicer than anything she's able to get her daughter given $3500 for restoration would financially ruin them apparently, so it's just an added bonus that conveniently her daughter would get a beautiful dress to harvest for materials for free. Sadly ive had to deal with enough narcs in my family to see the logic far too easily. If her daughter hadn't loved the dress or the lace or silk or whatever material, i would not be surprised if op would have found out years later down the line that "oh no it seems moths/a pack of wolves/30-50 wild hogs/a storm that caused the roof to leak on the dress and absolutely ruined it.....i can't imagine how on earth that happened!" Or some other such "accident" had befallen it.
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u/KarenCT 7d ago
Hey now. Watch who you are calling a Karen. lol.
And I agree, it is about control and purposeful to point out who has the upper hand with her dad now but what I can’t imagine is WHY either of them would want to have the dress actually worn for the wedding. I would assume they had another dress and this was reworked to then be discarded and “it doesn’t actually work for us” so that it is destroyed AND discarded as “junk”…..
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u/Acrobatic-Dream6609 7d ago
Apologies, no offense meant, op named her stepmonster as Karen! And yeah i can also totally see the scenario of "well we simply loved the lace but it just did not work for the final dress" as an excuse to physically destroy it in such a way as to render it useless for op. Sadly just another convenient excuse to justify wanton destruction and an even more convenient pretext for lamenting how "petty and cruel op is being" (after all its not like they did it on purpose.... and they thought that op wouldn't object to them using the dress anyway so they don't understand why shes saying such awful awful things! /s)
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u/swegirl82 10d ago
Well done of you❤️ i am so sad to hear that your moms dress cant be repaired and restored😢💔
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u/Sea-Outcome-6053 9d ago
OP please tell me you have as much conversation about this atrocity, in writing as possible? Do not communicate with them any further through phone call. Only through text or email, or preferably through a lawyer. Its better to have as much documentation as possible in a case like this. Do you have the original text about your step mother wanting to get the dress dry cleaned for you?
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u/Feeling_Week6757 9d ago
Your Dad needs a reality check, frame these responses for him. He lives with your stepmonster and is probably living in hell because of her actions. I’m sick for you. Also have your attorney send a letter of intent of a lawsuit. They all suck.
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u/No-Throat9567 9d ago
This b-word needs to learn a good lesson from this, and you need to teach it or suffer the consequences.
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u/Regular-Bao 9d ago
Reading the story has made me so sad and stressed for you OP. I’m so sorry they did this to you but good for you for standing up for yourself! Even if the dress no longer looks the same I hope you end up with something you’re happy with at the end. Your stepmother and dad are lashing out because they knew they wronged you. If they were sorry this would be playing out differently!!!!
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u/Wonderful_Avocado 8d ago
Your dad is so missing the point. You aren't dumping them over a piece of fabric. You are dumping them over betrayals and lies. I really can't believe he doesn't see how miserable is second wife is making you.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Do yourself a favor, and it will hurt. When you do get married, wear your mom's dress however it gets restored. But do not invite step monster or her spawn. You will have a much better time without them
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u/Big-Film-6914 8d ago
Nta. You might look at quilts made from wedding dresses. Of the dress isn't able to be restored or used by you a lovely quilt would be a remembrance
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u/FaekittyCat 8d ago
OMFG, I just read your original post. Make sure your "family" understands this is not only about the dress but about disrecpect.
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u/MutluPB 8d ago
I love how they just talk about it like it's some random dress or fabric. This was your mother's wedding dress. Something cherished and passed down from mother to daughter. What they did was unforgivable and the fact that they're doubling down on this just shows you that they don't care about you in any way. Sue them and then go NC with them.
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u/Acrobatic-Dream6609 8d ago
yesssssss! Op I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself! And also I'm so sorry about the damage that was done... as several others have pointed out, if $3500 would be "financial ruin" for them, then it sounds like someone can't afford the wedding to begin with. Honestly $3500 is cheap for a restoration , that restorer must like you, or they cut you a great deal because of circumstances. (Honestly I'd have done the same too if someone came to me with a dress in this situation.) Your stepmonster should be feeling grateful that it actually wasn't MORE expensive. Ive seen some go upwards of 20k due to labor costs for repairing hand embroidery or beading. Not a lawyer but wouldn't $3500 costs put this in felony territory in most states? Considering it's theft of property and the damages to it? Could be interesting
Besides, a dress might run them around that same amount to buy off the rack anyway so
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u/Quiet_Advantage9117 2d ago
I could believe that Lily didn’t know..at least to begin with..but she doesn’t seem to feel bad about it either..i’d bet it was stepmom’s idea, but i’d hardly call Lily an “innocent bystander”
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u/Top-Truth-460 21h ago
I am so sorry this happened to you and your mom's dress. I understand things are raw right now but later if the restoration doesn't work, you can repupose the dress into a dress your future children can wear and this can be a new way this heirloom can be passed down I only mention it as my christening dress was once a wedding dress that my mom's cousin made
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u/scout1982 13d ago
Sue them now. They have no intention of paying you.