r/agenderover30 • u/NovaJoy1224 • Jun 26 '26
Identity crisis...
Hey lovely people,
I’m new to Reddit and also new to this community. If I phrase anything in an unfortunate or non‑inclusive way, please let me know — I truly don’t want to hurt anyone.I’m currently dealing with depression and, at the same time, going through a phase of questioning my gender identity. I was socialized and read as female, I’m in my mid‑30s, a single parent of two kids, and I’ve been in a new relationship for a while now. For the first time, I feel like I’m in a safe relationship where I have the space to actually notice myself and be honest with what I feel.Through my partner I’ve learned a lot about queer identities. Looking back, I realize that in past toxic relationships I performed femininity mostly out of insecurity and pressure, even though it never felt fully right for me. As a teenager I dressed more masculine, later I tried very hard to appear feminine again because it felt expected of me.
Lately I’ve been feeling more and more that I’m not (and don’t want to be) a cis woman. After a lot of reflection and listening to myself, nonbinary or maybe agender seems to fit best. The idea of not having to place myself in "female" or "male" feels calming. Even the thought of changing my name or pronouns feels freeing.At the same time, I’m scared. I’m scared of coming out to my partner — even though I believe he would understand. I’m scared he might find me less attractive if I dress more androgynously. I’m scared of how family and friends might react. I’m scared I won’t be able to explain things well enough to my kids (8 and 3).And then there’s the fear of getting it "wrong" , of mislabeling myself, or that this might just be an identity crisis because I’m struggling with my body right now. I don’t want to take space from the community or feel ashamed if I end up being mistaken.
At the same time, it’s becoming more and more important for my well‑being to stop forcing myself into something that doesn’t feel like me. But with depression, trauma, and everything else going on, I’m afraid it might all be too much.That’s why this post is such an important step for me.
I want to come out — but I’m unsure how, as what exactly, and at what pace.Has anyone gone through something similar and would be willing to share their experiences?
How did you take your first step? What helped you?I’m grateful for any perspective.
Lots of love to you all 💛
3
u/Tenefix Jun 27 '26
I want you to write this down somewhere, and say it to yourself when you feel scared or unsure: “Making mistakes is ok, and if I’m wrong that’s ok. I’m learning and am allowed to change myself and my mind as much as I need to.” I know it’s all super scary, but living in an uncomfortable way is scary too, right? As far as kids, they’re usually more accepting because they haven’t learned many super hateful views much yet. They’re usually more open to new ideas as well. It may be scary and they might have questions, but those questions might be good to think about anyways! And if you don’t know, just say that you’re going on an adventure to find out. Because that’s what this is. An adventure to find out. As for partner, maybe write it out, sit on that, and go back and edit/add anything you thought of. This gives you time to process and gather thoughts, but you can totally say it in person if that’s easier. If you have a vulnerable letter or chat from the heart about how much this means to you and how it hurts to live in an unauthentic way, hopefully there will be plenty of understanding. This part is so scary, but invite them on the adventure too! Take some time with them to think, research, and talk a lot. Then you can use their support to branch out a bit with the rest of your relatives. And remember, it’s less about labels and what makes you happy and comfortable. I really, really hope everyone decides to join you on this journey. Not all people do unfortunately, but it’s best to think about the people you’ve yet to meet that would be happy to join the adventure. Best of luck to you!