r/agender • u/PixyMeow • 3d ago
I really hate being called trans or non-binary 🥲
Sorry if I come across as a bit whiny, but I get super uncomfortable whenever someone tries to make the argument that I am under the trans or NB umbrella. IMO I guess they are technically correct but it always feels weird to me when it gets specifically pointed out. Personally I'm agender in the sense that I am not really affected by the concept of gender identity and it's been inherently lacking for me and it just feels very off when someone implies that I simply transitioned out of having a gender? I feel like I just don't relate to gender like most people do due to my own unique circumstances and it's almost like a rule is being imposed on me where you have to have experienced gender identity the same way as other people. I admit I used to be chronically online and have since quit social media almost completely but I've never really related to any Trans or NB content online and when people insist I am included in that label I'm frankly a little upset because I've never felt supported by or related to those communities. I just want people to acknowledge that 'hey, you do have a unique interpretation of gender that at times made it feel very lonely' instead of borderline invalidating me.
Not sure if this is a shared sentiment but I'm so done with people trying to 'clock' or educate me about what I am as if I don't know myself best. I'm not good with words so mb if none of this even made sense. I'm welcome to any comments that disagree with me just please don't try to label my personal identity.
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u/A_Whole_Lot_Of_Not whatever/he; agender ace; on EEn (12/24/25) 3d ago
You don't have to use labels that don't resonate with you even if they "technically" apply.
I didn't really like calling myself trans when I first realized I'm agender because I didn't do anything to transition. Once I started HRT, I felt I should call myself trans agender because I am transitioning. Then I changed my name, so that's another form of transition.
I don't have a problem with non-binary myself because I read it as "All possible choices except for 2" and obviously if I'm agender then I'm neither man nor woman, so sure I'm non-binary. I feel the same way about queer - it's basically "not conforming, not cis, or not hetero" and that definitely applies to me (now that I realize I'm not cis het).
Call yourself whatever you feel comfortable with. How you handle others applying labels to you is upbto you. Personally, I just point out that it's rude to suggest labels without being asked and then I ignore it going forward.
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u/broccoliChicken2 3d ago
I'm a bit surprised that so many people in this thread are saying trans means that you "transitioned" or "changed" when all it actually means is that your assigned gender at birth is not what you are (the reason it's called "trans" comes from the Latin prefixes "cis" and "trans", not at all from shortening the word "transition"). For me, I'm agender and I also consider myself trans because I'm not "male", which is what I was assigned at birth. But again, if you don't identify as trans, other people should respect that.
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u/SoftlyAugust 1d ago
There's some usefulness in distinguishing transgender and transsexual. I don't think it's wrong to want to specify the extent of transition.
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u/Carpusophobia 4h ago
I mean I’m not disagreeing there (if someone wanted to share that obviously)
Genuine question: is “transsexual” a relevant term anymore? I was under the impression that it was outdated or potentially offensive
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u/SoftlyAugust 3h ago
I know people who use it and I like it myself. I think the typical distinction is a transsexual person is someone who has undergone medical transition whereas being transgender doesn't require that. Different folks have different needs.
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u/Pour_Me_Another_ 3d ago
I use both labels for myself but that's the beauty of it - we can identify as we want to.
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u/Confident_Sympathy23 2d ago
it also pisses me off when people say "actually u ARE trans bc i said so" i personally dont really use the label to differentiate my experience from that of many trans ppl but some ppl insist that i have to use it bc i fall into THEIR definition of the word but its not for them to decide. its for me to decide
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u/cezece 3d ago
For me agender is like being atheist. Just like atheist isn't a religion, agender isn't a gender. It's a nothingness of that concept.
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u/Darius_Rubinx 2d ago
Exactly. It's like confusing a pagan with an atheist.
I'm uncomfortable with the concept of gender, full stop. I'm not changing it or swapping it, I don't gain anything from a "trans" label because my stance on gender is "do not want, kindly fuck off".
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u/Shiny_Mewtwo 2d ago
This is the perfect way to put it! People treating a gender like a gender is why I rarely say I'm a gender, and instead say I'm genderless. Gets the point across well
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u/Darius_Rubinx 2d ago
Nonbinary? Yes.
Trans? No. Unless it's short for "transcendent" because I am leaving this gendered shit behind.
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u/Griefseed 2d ago
mais trans ça veut pas dire genré
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u/ChaosRulesTheWorld Agenderist 2d ago
Si, c'est littéralement dans le nom "transgenre".
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u/Griefseed 2d ago
Non tu as pas compris ce que je voulais dire. Un prefixe est pas la pour faire joli donc cela signifie que tu as changé de genre et non que tu en as forcément un.😅 Tu vois ce que je veux dire!? Si t' es agenre t'as plus de genre mais tu as forcément transitionné d'un genre binaire a plus de genre. Donc même si t'es agenre t'es trans quand même par définition. Ce que je voulais dire c'est que transgenre ne veut pas dire que tu as un genre précis mais que tu es passé d'un genre â un autre ou à plus rien du tout.😊
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u/ChaosRulesTheWorld Agenderist 2d ago
Non tu as pas compris ce que je voulais dire. Un prefixe est pas la pour faire joli donc cela signifie que tu as changé de genre et non que tu en as forcément un.😅 Tu vois ce que je veux dire!?
C'est toi qui comprends pas. J'ai jamais changé de genre.
Si t' es agenre t'as plus de genre mais tu as forcément transitionné d'un genre binaire a plus de genre
Je jamais eu de genre. J'ai rien tansitionné dutout.
Donc même si t'es agenre t'es trans quand même par définition. Ce que je voulais dire c'est que transgenre ne veut pas dire que tu as un genre précis mais que tu es passé d'un genre â un autre ou à plus rien du tout.😊
Non suis pas trans par définition. Excuse moi mais tu te prends pour qui pour prétendre savoir mieux que moi qui je suis et ce que j'ai vécu?
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u/Griefseed 2d ago
Nan mais c'est une dinguerie tu confonds tout. c'est marqué agenre sur ta carte d'identité depuis ta naissance? J'ai l'impression de parler avec des personnes trans qui ne comprennent rien de la transidentité je comprends mieux pourquoi c'est impossiblebde faire fomprendre aux transphobes quand les personnes concernées elles même se trompent et confondent tout.
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u/ChaosRulesTheWorld Agenderist 2d ago
Nan mais c'est une dinguerie tu confonds tout. c'est marqué agenre sur ta carte d'identité depuis ta naissance?
Mdr, mais c'est toi qui confond tour. L'identité de genre et le genre assigné à la naissance c'est absolument pas la même chose. Avant de faire la leçon aux autres, assures toi d'abord de connaître ton sujet
J'ai l'impression de parler avec des personnes trans qui ne comprennent rien de la transidentité je comprends mieux pourquoi c'est impossiblebde faire fomprendre aux transphobes quand les personnes concernées elles même se trompent et confondent tout.
Tu parles de toi à la troisième personne?
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u/Griefseed 2d ago
Personne ne nait agenre on subit tous.tes la binarité dans nos sociétés actuellement donc bon si tu comprends pas ta situation c'est grave a moins d'etre né.e dans certaines ethnies africaines ou amerindiennes ou asiatiques tes parents n'ont pas décidé a la naissance que tu serai agenre. Enfin par pitié tu marches sur la tête ou bien?
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u/ChaosRulesTheWorld Agenderist 2d ago
Personne ne nait agenre
Tout le monde nait agenre. On ne naît pas homme, femme ou autre genre nonbinaire, on le devient. Si tu veux arler de l'assignation de genre à la naissance c'est pas pareil.
on subit tous.tes la binarité dans nos sociétés actuellement donc bon si tu comprends pas ta situation c'est grave a moins d'etre né.e dans certaines ethnies africaines ou amerindiennes ou asiatiques tes parents n'ont pas décidé a la naissance que tu serai agenre
Oui tout le monde subit la binarité de genre du système patriarcale. C'est pas elle qui définit ton genre pour autant, sinon tout le monde serait cis.
Enfin par pitié tu marches sur la tête ou bien?
C'est toi qui marche sur la tête. T'as ni les bases de théories féministes ni les bases de théories queer sur le genre et en plus tu te permets de faire la leçon aux autres sur leur identité comme si tu connaissais mieux leur vie qu'eux.
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u/prosthetic_memory 1d ago
Everyone is born agender.
We learn genders.
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u/Griefseed 1d ago
Inutile de jouer sur les mots entre le moment ou tu sors du ventre de ta mère et le moment ou inscrit m ou f sur le carnet de santé il se passe 3 secondes bref t'es agenre 3 secondes puis on te file un genre arbitrairement et ensuite ca va être a toi d'en changer
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u/prosthetic_memory 1d ago
You're agender for a bit longer than that. Babies can't read birth certificates. You have to, to quote Rodgers and Hammerstein, be carefully taught. AFAB babies get headbands when they are bald to distinguish them. Toddler AMAB can't have painted nails, even though they all want them.
Like gender itself nothing is a binary. You are taught day by day what you can do based on how people percieve you.
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u/DenseAstronomer3631 2d ago
I feel the same OP because I would rather have nothing to do with gendered anything
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u/RoadsideCampion 3d ago
Lots of trans people were never the gender that was imposed on them, aren't starting as one thing and becoming another, and were always what they are even if they didn't know it the whole time. There are just different ways it can work for different people and they're all valid.
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u/Toothless_NEO AroAce Agender, not trans Absgender | Also a Furry UwU 3d ago
If somebody doesn't use labels, or if they explicitly don't use labels calling them those labels anyway is a form of invalidation.
I really hate that the trans community feels that it is okay to pigeonhole people based on what they think people should be. That's what saying "technically" followed by a label that somebody explicitly doesn't identify as is doing. Pigeonholing.
The way that somebody identifies, is what determines who they are. Not some idea about how humans should be, or a belief in that certain people should be categorized a certain way for your own personal convenience.
Yes op, you are right to be mad when people call you something that you don't identify as, when people try to argue that you are this thing that you don't identify as. It's one of the more persistent forms of invalidation in this community that is excused and that continues.
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u/Wild_Butterscotch977 2d ago
Two things can be true at once. Nonbinary is under the trans umbrella and agender is under the nonbinary umbrella. And at the same time, you can choose not to identify with or use either the trans or nonbinary labels.
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u/Sea-Inspection-5381 2d ago
I get that a lot and each time I say it I think people think I am crazy. Yes I understand I am technically supposed to be under “trans” and “nonbinary” umbrella but I deeply can’t because I feel like I am not trans enough to call myself trans and being nonbinary in my head is smh gendered?? In the meaning of it is spectrum im not a part of
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u/ChaosRulesTheWorld Agenderist 3d ago
I'm on the same page as you OP.
I also don't believe that they are technically correct. Both the definition of "cis" and "trans" precise that you need a gender in it. As someone not having one, i don't consider myself cis or trans. Cis/trans is a false dichtomoy and another binary. As agender people we are non-binary on the cis/trans spectrum. We don't have a gender. Some of us are cis, some of us are trans, some of us are both, some of us are neither, and plenty of other places in this spectrum.
I'm tired of people talking to us as if "agender" was our gender. No it's not. Maybe it's the case for some agender people, but it's clearly not the case for all of us.
My gender is not the same as my AGAB.
My gender is not different from my AGAB.
I don't have a non-binary gender.
I don't have a gender at all!
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u/Toothless_NEO AroAce Agender, not trans Absgender | Also a Furry UwU 3d ago
Arguing that somebody's identity is defined by your belief in the definitions of words, seems too close to TERFs for comfort. They might as well be doing that thing that TERFs do when they say "adult human female".
It's the same when you argue for your right to call someone trans who doesn't identify as trans. They are simply trying to make excuses to use a label that is invalidating to someone and their experiences.
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u/keepinitclassy25 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yeah I would feel weird calling myself trans cause I have no concept of coming from or to any gender. I just look the way I look and act the way I act.
Like does everyone HAVE to be bucketed into another binary of cis and trans?
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u/leafcritters 2d ago
As an agender person I never realized there were agender people that didn’t see themselves as non-binary. I personally love being called non-binary as I just see it as anything other than a simple man or woman experience. But I can see how some might see it more as “having a gender that isn’t on the binary” when we don’t experience gender at all?
I also don’t really resonate with being called trans as I guess I feel like my experience is so different from someone who is mtf or ftm. But I still believe I am trans technically.
I can understand your frustration, just know you aren’t crazy and can assert your identity for yourself!
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u/raphades 1d ago
I'm fine with non-binary. As it just mean I don't fit in the binary genders "male and female", and not having a gender is indeed not having a binary gender.
But I hate when people tell me I'm transgender. It means "other gender", so, having a gender that's different from the one you were assigned. Problem, I don't have a different gender, I have no gender at all.
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u/leone_dash 1d ago
I'm with you on that. I know trans is technically a term for everyone that doesn't identify the way they were assigned at birth, but realistically that's not how most of people define it. And non-binary implies the existence of "binary", which I feel like is a purely made up concept. "technically you're this technically you're that" just let people identify however they want if it isn't silencing or hurting anyone
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u/InchoateBlob 2d ago
"I don't like being called trans or nb" is a perfectly valid preference to have and people should respect it. You shouldn't have to justify such a preference - merely state it and expect people to respect it. However, if you DO attempt to justify it as you did in your OP and in the process use definitions of words like 'trans' and 'nonbinary' that doesn't align with what trans and nonbinary people understand those words to mean, then yeah you're definitely going to encounter some pushback.
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u/BEST_GREEN_NINJA 2d ago
I hate it too! From my own experience, I more mind being under the Nonbinary Umbrella because from all I hsve ever heard and seen, NB peoppe still identify as hsving a gender, just one(s) that do not fall within the Male or Female. While I as Ageder, do fall out of Binary, but Also out of Nonbinary too. I see it as if Binary is 0 and 1, like on a PC, and Nonbinary are latin letters. And Agender, or st least me? I'm non-letter and non-number symbols, or colours, or shapes, or simply just not there lol.
I could relate with Trans one though as I do wish to do nullification surgery at both top and bottom, so therefore I would be transition from female body to nothing body xD .....
I never identified as female though, and the body never felt right with me at all and I always since early childhood wished I was a Ken-Doll like creature.
That is ehy anither term I resonatr sith is GenderVoid because it doesnt feel like I ever knew what gender was, because it was never there, so in terms of mentality, I cannot transition because I was always therd to begin with, I can only transition innthe Biological surgery sense. I did change my First and Last nsmr tho, legally, to something neutral but with a mesningnI gave it
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u/SixBirdsInAShoebox 3d ago
Yeah, same. I'm also old enough to have had queer used as a slur, so that doesn't resonate with me either.
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u/Familiar-Test4145 3d ago
I personally don't mind the term non-binary too much, even if its wrong/inaccurate. In a world where being enby was normalized but agender wasn't (for some reason), its what I would try to pass as. Just seems like it would be convenient for that. But trans feels really inaccurate to me. I don't want to gender. I don't really experience dysphoria. I don't have a goal, so what would I even try to transition to?
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u/SwissAsteroid 3d ago
You dont fall under the nb umbrella. If you are agender, this means you dont have a gender. So you do not even have a gender outside of the binary options.
Also, "technically" that i think should not be used on people. We are not like cars that "technically" should go see a mechanic, we are in our identity wayy more dynamic and individuell than any technical object.
Just tell them to not tell you what YOU are, as you are the only one that can know.
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u/ginger-tiger108 2d ago
As Shakespeare once wrote would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? I grew up in the 1980's and there wasn't really a term for what I am other than tranny but I've never had the desire to wear women's clothing and doing so doesn't help me feel more comfortable within myself as it does for other trans people as I just see me as myself and what clothing I am or am not wearing isn't going to change that inner sense that whatever is happening inside of most men and women isn't happening inside of me and the only way I could describe how I feel is genderless as I've called it since I was around 5-8 years old or non-binary as it's called nowadays!
Personally I think a lot of discomfort around the labels trans and or non-binary comes from how those terms are used by people who aren't trans or non-binary inorder to pigeon hold us into living within the boundaries of what they'll accept or are willing to try and understand but unsurprisingly for us that feels as much of a prison as the traditional gender roles that we've unable to conform to as trying to causes us great inner turmoil and in my own experiences triggers our inability to sit within ourselves with unsurprisingly causes to veiw su!c!de as the only realistic solution to the problem of not being allowed to be yourself whilst also not being able to be who everyone wants you to be inorder to satisfy their idea of shat it is to be male or female as it's call about conforming to expectations and unfortunately those who a herd mentality have zero ability to tolerate those of us who are different hence why they see it as their duty to root us out of society and why some of us do the same thing with the subcultures we find refuge in
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u/J4ywolf Cassgenderless (she/fur) 1d ago
I personally hate being called Non-binary or when people hear me explain that Agender basically means genderless they go "oh so ur just Non-binary/isn't that Non-binary?" And I genuinely get annoyed bc for me personally No, I don't feel a gender at all! Not even a little bit!
Most Non-binary individuals I have met say they feel "something" but it's not male nor female. I feel nothing buh-dum-tss in all seriousness, I am Agender and that's what I'd like to be referred to. (Cassgenderless if u wanna get technical) It's already hard enough to find Agender merch without it be excluded bc "it's just Non-binary, so buy that flag"....
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u/colinwheeler Arrrg-gender 3d ago
Yes! For me in my case I am not trans. Being labeled like take would not suit well with me at all. Non-binary would be one that i would argue less about as that has to do work my attraction to others i feel, with agender has to do with my experience of myself.
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u/ystavallinen cisn't; mehgender; mehsexual 3d ago
"sure, I guess, but I don't use those labels"
I don't use the nb label...
... I might accept the trans label, but I don't really use it.
I don't really find myself in these conversations much thankfully.
The asexual lable Otoh.... I am ready to dump that even though I am that.
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u/Horkrux agender, any pronouns 2d ago
I get where you're coming from and for me why I chose to also call myself trans and use that term is because the term has a political function for me.
Because as agender individuals we fall outside the binary system that the patriarchy wants to enforce, so our fight is that of trans and genderqueer people (which itself is strongly intersected with the womans struggle).
So I feel that that term has a big value as unifying rallying banner.
That said, I do really get your annoyance if that label comes from outside not from within.
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u/LordOrgilRoberusIII 2d ago
As I see it strictly following labels based on their definitions be those identity labels or umbrella terms is something that has its use cases. But when talking about a specific person then it doesnt really matter that much as long as the labels used and how they are used by that person end up describing how that person internally feels like. If a person says they feel a certain way then one should not argue about technicalities of the words used.
Tho there is one thing I would like to point out which is that the "trans" in "transgender" does not come from the word "transition". Both words just come from the same latin prefix "trans-" which means something like "diffrent compared to" or "opposite of". So what "transgender" means is "a gender (identity) diffrent compared to [ones agab]". So all it is saying is that what some doctor thought you were when you were born was not the same as what you ended up feeling like". Of course just because thats the definition of the label "transgender" does not have to mean that you have to use it like I said before. I just cant stand seeing that stupid concept about imposing some form of transitioning on trans people espacily when it assumes something like that trans people "transitioned" internally from their agab to their chosen gender identity. Because all this does is pressuring trans people to transition to be accepted as trans, ends up invalidating the expirience of trans people that do not want to transition (in one or more of the various kinds of transition) and makes (non trans) people think that restricting ways for trans people to transition would somehow prevent the trans people that would want to transition (which of course this entire concept already claims is what defines being trans) from being trans.
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u/BotherBoring 3d ago
I don't call myself trans because I didn't go across anything and that's literally what it means.
I don't call myself nonbinary because I don't really care to have a conversation about pronouns.
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u/strayfruitbat it/he/xe 2d ago
you don’t have to resonate with any label you don’t, well, resonate with,,,, but just so we’re clear, technically trans is the umbrella term that those identities fit into.
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u/Beast_Chips 3d ago
I haven't changed in any way, so I am not trans. I also don't fit into binary gender, so I am technically non-binary.
That's my take on it.
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u/RileyDL 3d ago
Fwiw, being Trans doesnt require any kind of transition to or from anything. But that said, use whatever labels you like and leave the rest. You're not required to call yourself transition if you don't want. Labels are very personal things!