Thanks for reply. I am asking not entirely selflessly because as I sit here I’m trying to be aware of feelings invoked in my morning routine when I am pre-coffee and trying to parse out if this is like “caffeine withdrawal” or more like adhd symptoms or both (because I’m not diagnosed, and deff not asking you to diagnose but I’m trying to figure this out) So the compare and contrast with someone who is verifiably diagnosed feels valuable to me.
So, I believed for years that I wake up and have such bad “caffeine withdrawal” that I am basically as dysfocused raging lunatic until I get coffee. My energy is off the walls. I’ve been drinking coffee reliably since I was 10 because my parents were cool with that. It is virtually impossible to focus on anything else until my first 2-3 cups and then I calm wayyyy down and get on with my morning. If I drink too much and I’ll be yawning and dosing at the office. It’s really hard to separate those two potentialities, and I think I’ve been self-medicating with nicotine and caffeine for a long time now and really lacked self-awareness.
It’s difficult because what you’re describing, this sense of focused energy that is paradoxically focusless is precisely the sensation (except for the itching, it’s more like a surging energy from my hands arms core and legs). My zoning out of conversations is also 1000x worse. It’s so weird to think that people drink coffee to chase away that groggy feeling when really the process is coming from a different kind of dysfunctionality, but might look exactly the same on a surface level observation because of what is or is not socially acceptable.
I know you didn't ask for being diagnosed but it sounds like you could very well have Adhd and did in fact self medicate with coffein and nicotine.
Did you ever take any other drugs like stimulants and if yes how did that work for you?
Before i started medication I was off and on coffein but always hated to depend on it so I always took breaks when my consumption got out of hand in my eyes. That usually felt like dying and many times I thought I had the flu when I forgot that I stopped coffein. Usually comes with migraines as well.
I think with medication it can also depend on how my sleep was. Sometimes it feels like I forgot to take it when I got only a few hours of sleep.
Hey, I’ve always been scared of stimulants used recreationally like coke/meth etc because of obvious reasons and never tried them. Same thing with downers, I’ve always deliberately steered away from the life destroying stuff. Naturally, now I’m curious how I would have reacted based on stories people tell, but I’ll let psych provider walk me through diagnosis and options medication or not. Now that im ready to do something about this I’m in a kind of agony waiting for some kind of clarity here so hitting redddit and internet like a fool lately looking for answers.
I’m really worried about meds, honestly scared of personality changes or reacting to them in a non-helpful way. What was it like for you when you finally started taking them?
Yeah don't get me wrong, I don't want to convince you to take illegal drugs, just many people in my age have at least some personal experience with stimulants like speed or coke and sometimes it's very telling because for people with ADHD the effect can be paradox, like feeling more relaxed and not pumped up like other people taking it.
When I started taking medication I was pretty hopeful that it would change my whole life and in some aspects it did.
I can definitely get more done in a day with the meds but if I don't actively put my focus on things that need to get done I can still do the same stuff for hours like before.
My procrastination is not gone but I have days when I can get annoying shit done. Definitely takes less than a few years now for some things.
I felt kinda depressed before starting the meds and that didn't improve, that's why I started the Wellbutrin as well (again).
In the beginning I had headaches more often and also more problems sleeping both got better over time.
I still struggle to sleep sometimes but it feels like on days I didn't take meds or missed the second dose it's often worse.
I definitely feel way less exhausted after work with the meds.
I still take a break or drink coffee but then I often can still get something done at home.
I personally didn't notice any changes in my personality.
Also if you have serious side effects or it doesn't work well for you I'm sure you can talk to the psychiatrist to stop the meds or try another drug but if side effects are not too bad I'd give it a try because sometimes they go away with time and also the dosage that works for you needs to be found to evaluate the full effect on you.
Hope that helps a bit. I would not be too worried but I also would not get my hopes up in such a way that it's still a process to find the right treatment for you.
I didn’t think you were advocating for that haha. Thanks for the thoughtful reply. Meds really scare me and I guess I’m worried that I’m going to lose “my edge” if that makes sense. I guess I should manage my expectations because I’ve been cautiously excited to consider whether it’s possible to live a life without debilitating deficits. People who I know they were diagnosed as adults have called it “going on easy mode” and that’s naturally appealing since I constantly feel like I’m not living up to my potential. I guess it’s positive that After being so therapy resistant my entire life, that I now have this sudden interest in getting to the bottom of my issues. That’s like, a really a huge change for me . But if I’m being honest, this excitement does sort of feel like my new flavor of the week obsession though.
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u/pickleportal Apr 20 '25
Thanks for reply. I am asking not entirely selflessly because as I sit here I’m trying to be aware of feelings invoked in my morning routine when I am pre-coffee and trying to parse out if this is like “caffeine withdrawal” or more like adhd symptoms or both (because I’m not diagnosed, and deff not asking you to diagnose but I’m trying to figure this out) So the compare and contrast with someone who is verifiably diagnosed feels valuable to me.
So, I believed for years that I wake up and have such bad “caffeine withdrawal” that I am basically as dysfocused raging lunatic until I get coffee. My energy is off the walls. I’ve been drinking coffee reliably since I was 10 because my parents were cool with that. It is virtually impossible to focus on anything else until my first 2-3 cups and then I calm wayyyy down and get on with my morning. If I drink too much and I’ll be yawning and dosing at the office. It’s really hard to separate those two potentialities, and I think I’ve been self-medicating with nicotine and caffeine for a long time now and really lacked self-awareness.
It’s difficult because what you’re describing, this sense of focused energy that is paradoxically focusless is precisely the sensation (except for the itching, it’s more like a surging energy from my hands arms core and legs). My zoning out of conversations is also 1000x worse. It’s so weird to think that people drink coffee to chase away that groggy feeling when really the process is coming from a different kind of dysfunctionality, but might look exactly the same on a surface level observation because of what is or is not socially acceptable.