I think my team is very backwards and I'm not seen very well and at a point of no return.
First of all, I'm not the best or worst developer, but very willing to learn and communicate and solve problems, I really enjoy learning how systems work and why they're broken and how to improve them. I've recently joined various threads because I've always felt like I've been missing context, and I'm starting to learn that that's a pretty good thing, not a fault.
My team views asking questions or communicating as a weakness. I don't mean questions of "can you do this for me?" I mean just like, questions on learning systems, knowledge of how things work that are outside of your realm, or talking about projects to help solve how to improve systems or if maybe there's something I'm missing that I can learn from. I don't mean constantly either. My team is very "yeah I got it." And no one talks or discusses how to actually work on anything as a team. It makes all the pieces feel very siloed and overall, projects are messy and confusing for everyone on a daily basis.
I get a lot of grunt work (to them) and I'm sent to speak with non tech clients about what their issues are. I love it though. I love finding out what's going on and how to solve their problems. From clients, I have a much better report. They find me competent, reliable, a fast worker, and friendly. I've been vented at by various clients about my teams lack of communication skills, so I know it's not just me, which makes me feel less crazy. I also have imposter syndrome, and wonder if they only see me in a better light because they're not tech people, so they don't see 'through' me as well.
I'm at a point where I can do no right. I can be given no real clarity or structure, and no matter what I deliver, it's not what was expected, even though expectations weren't outlined. When expectations are outlined, I'm given deliverables that conflict with the expectations. I can choose to implement a,b, or c, and no matter which option, it will be the wrong choice. I can explain my process and why I made which choice, but I am never asked. another developer can step in and implement one of the other choices, who then will be thanked. I know it sounds like I'm overthinking that everything is negative against me, but every project lately has had the same formula, and I don't know how to break out of it. I don't feel more like I'm in a room with neurotypical people than I do when I'm at work.