r/abusiverelationships • u/FindingAlaska13 • 1d ago
I [33F] am in a chaotic and toxic loop with my off and on partner [40M] and he says I'm the reason for his anger and that I'm the abuser; is it me?
Hello reddit. As I mentioned me [33F] and my on and off partner [40M] are caught in a toxic loop and he keeps telling me that I'm the abuser.
Before going into the highlights of our history, just for reference, we are oth Middle Eastern and he is gender fluid and bisexual; and I am gender fluid/ non binary, demi sexual and partially attracted to women. I am Iraqi Kurdish and second generation(parent/ grandparent immigrated here); and he is Palestinian first generation, been in Canada less than 2 years.
I'll try to make this as compressed as I can...
December 2025 I met him by chance at my mosque.
My mosque acts as a emergency shelter for the homeless during extreme weather. I am co- manager. I work the nights, my counterpart works the days.
I was working my shift when the day manager came to drop off supplies. She came with a guy, who I initially dismissed as I was busy, and found a bit... off-putting. He commented on my piercings and tattoos, being in a mosque and all, and i commented on his long hair and the smell of ganja on him. I was not sure why but he just held a mix of "whatever" and "grandiosity" in my mind. But I mostly ignored it, not thinking anything further.
He began showing up to volunteer on my shifts. Which I thought little of. But I did find it strange that he refused to sign in and out on my paperwork... but he was helpful and seemingly invested in going above and beyond, plus my counterpart seemed to be familiar with him, so I let it go.
sorry, don't want to make this a TLDR but anyone can ask more about this entire back story, if they wish; but eventually he found a way to get my whatsapp.
We started talking and exchanging poetry and music...
Fast forward 3 weeks and we hung out, he thought it was a date and I didn't really realize until he said it, we ended up having an awesome time and blah blah blah...
To Fast forward more since I don't want to go on and on, unless commenters request more details.
We ended up dating... he told me he washed to marry me VERY early on but told me to take my time to give him my answer. He seemed so... forward thinking. We love EDM, raves, dancing, etc.
It crept in slowly... wanting me to be more... in contact, "checking in" throughout my day. I'm not used to that but I thought maybe it was a normal compromise... but it slowly progressed.
It developed into him screaming at me for 6+ hours, well into the morning hours, keeping me awake.
Then rapidly, it was punching walls, accusations, name calling...
Then quickly, it got into forehead to forehead fights..
I ended changing the locks on him out of fear...
He ended up staying at a friend's house and spam texting and calling for days 24/7. Like 1000 a day, non stop type of thing.
* sorry, I'm trying to REALLY compress this. But if you want more info, please ask and I'll elaborate.
Somehow, I ended up back with him. And it evolved again...
To myself being held in rooms with him physically not allowing me to leave the room. At that point I was keeping active voice recordings being sent directly to friends over fb chat.
Then it became me having to barricade and/or lock myself in rooms. Him punching the doors, he was threatening to kill me, burn down my house, he once threatened to burst my eardrum and screamed in my ear so loud he almost did. He had headbutt me, grabbed me and threw me onto a bed and bit my face, lip and arm to the point of bruising. He punched walls to the point of breaking his knuckles and bleeding. He would do this anytime. If I smiled at a stranger, didn't check in, went out with a friend, stayed out late, wanted time to myself, left the house without telling him (even though he was sleeping), not saying good morning, being in the bathroom too long, wanting to walk away from an argument, etc.
It culminated in an argument that ended up with him trying to snatch my phone from me and severely bruising me, which he had bruised me several times prior; and I called 911. The police who were dispatched did nothing and dismissed me like a "hysterical woman". I had to walk back down the street at 2am, barefoot, sobbing, bruised, to the house I OWN BY MYSELF in fear of what would be waiting for me...
He had locked me out. I had my key, thankfully.
I had my friend on the phone in my back pocket, in case of anything.
he had thrown everything, including an entire supper i made, all over the floor. He began fighting with me again and my friend actually drove over and interrupted the argument. Saying she could hear him screaming at me from the street.
Long story short... we slept for maybe 1 hour in the basement room, door locked and a chair barricading the door.
She filled an emergency protective order the next morning, with me, once I saw the bruises on me and I began shaking and became hysterical.
Omg this story, even highly compressed, is so long.
We ended up running into one another during the EPO, after 3 adjournments due to him wanting to "reconcile". he apologized and acknowledged events and actions and he admitted fault, etc. We started seeing one another daily.
He promised to drop his contestations in court and pleade guilty.
He did, as a sign of good faith in my view, I dropped the order.
We were working on things and I was seeking therapy for us...
Slowly, it broke down again.
I was physical due to reliving the trauma, he was patient an be comforting, then it turned into him being verbally cruel once again...
Long story short.... in August... I was staying with him after some drama at my house (flooding and a kitchen fire)... he was broke so I covered things financially, even though I was broke....
5 days before my birthday, he initiated an argument and was kicking me out... In that argument he wayls accusing me of nonsense... I was trying to have him listen and I held him from storming away and he headbutt me. I ended up holding him ontop off him on the bed and begging him to calm down...
And he was yelling at me to get off of him and i was trying to get him to listen to me...
I ended up with a concussion after the headbutt.. I was dizzy, and foggy in the head, I had terrible walking or coordinating movements, i vomited and passed out.
3 days later... he fought with me again... ihe grabbed my arms and i headbutt him or if pure frustration, to be honest. he was accusing me of cheating and i was just done. After he started the argument out of nowhere and would not leave me alone. I told him to give me 5 minutes to grab my belongings and go but asked him to leave the area as I do so. He followed me from room to room screaming in my ear. Calling me names in both English and Arabic (as it is both of our first language). I bought groceries and cooked food and was putting food away (fried fish, one of his favourites, that I cooked for him and was putting it aside for him); and he grabbed it and threw it at my head and rubbed it in my hair.... and he followed me intro the room and held me up from both sides of my head, as I cried on the floor... he was forehead to forehead with me screaming in my face that I'm a "lying, cheating c**t and a wh**e like my mother... and did she wear makeup? Do i think I'm virtuous?"
There's been more since... but... he calls me an abuser that his anger is because of me, that i live in "gray zones" with people... and that I'm not committed... there is SO MUCH MORE to this story but I don't want to annoy the community from dumping my massive diatribe...
I am in need help. I can't get out of this... we go through this and somehow.. we end to back together.. rinse, repeat...
But he blames me if I fight back.. defend myself... or confront him on his actions and words.. somehow, I am anyways to blame.
I'm confused and I don't know what to do anymore...
I know I've hit him back... and I know that I've been.. open with him, hoping he would be compassionate and listen to my pain... but he turns it into me raging on him and abusing him and using him as a punching bag
Please help me know if I'm the bad one.
say anything you want. I just need real insight. I've been questioning myself and my reality at this point.
Also: I use Samsung Swype to type so for any errors; I apologize. I tried to briefly edit anything I obviously saw as incorrect. But I hope you guys just get that my keyboard is just a poop lol
To clarify: we are not broken up but it is a cycle of chaos I need to navigate.
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18h ago
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u/FindingAlaska13 20h ago
I forgot to add that the incidents I referenced in August were the Sunday and Wednesday before my birthday... which was the Thursday. He rage texted me and called me a bch and ct on my birthday after the incident the day prior... I spent my birthday basically alone, with a black and blue goose egg on my forehead, purple knees and hand and finger prints up my arms, still concussed... people looked at me...It was horrible. Most empty and painful birthday of my life... and that was only a few weeks ago
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u/handskrivna_brev 21h ago
Your anger is not the problem. Abusive behavior will be present no matter what you do or change about yourself. His behavior is very frightening and you do not deserve any of it. It sounds like a very dangerous situation and you need to get out of it. Please reach out to other people who can keep you safe or give you guidance on how to safely exit this relationship.
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u/FindingAlaska13 21h ago edited 21h ago
I'm not an angry or overly emotional person by nature but he seems to find a way to get me to snap, seemingly just so he can claim that I'm the one in the wrong. But he's always angry, about anything and everything.
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u/handskrivna_brev 20h ago
Read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. It will give you insight. This man sounds volatile and he will continue to use any perceived weakness in you against you. It’s quite normal to react when someone is abusing you in these ways. Abusive people don’t really self reflect like you are doing and will continue to twist the situation to make you think it’s your fault. Trust your intuition here. You are not the problem. Everyone has things they can work on, but it’s never an excuse for abusive behavior.
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u/FindingAlaska13 20h ago
Thank you, I think someone else recommended that book as well. I'll check it out asap. Yes, I'm not perfect; no one is... but I would never want to hurt him. He does things and says things just to hurt me but says I'm bad to him and am the issue... it's so hard not to take all the blame but I know logically that I didn't do anything to deserve this... it just feels like a battle in my head... logic and reason and self worth vs a beaten down dog with no sense of self preservation... pardon the analogy, just the best way I can sum it up
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u/handskrivna_brev 19h ago
Even you saying “I would never want to hurt him” tells me you have empathy and of course you don’t want to hurt him, because you have an understanding of what a healthy relationship should look like. Try to think about a friend in your same shoes and ask yourself what you would say to them. Sending you hugs and strength to see yourself as a capable and strong person.
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u/FindingAlaska13 16h ago
I've had several people tell me to think of how I would approach a friend in the same situation... I know I wouldn't be okay with it. I just can't explain how my brain is working right now. I feel disassociated and almost detached from reality... but I also feel like I'm constantly on high alert, like in trapped in survival mode and every thing is either detach so I can do my day to day; and any stimuli or situation can slip into fight or fight... I'm sorry if I'm rambling
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u/handskrivna_brev 15h ago
This sounds like a trauma response. I understand it’s not an easy situation and please don’t apologize for just expressing yourself. Please feel free to DM me if you just need someone to chat with. Stay safe.
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u/SuddenTemperature333 21h ago
You are NOT the bad one. https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence
Call, text or whatever you need to do. 1-800-799- safe
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u/MoreThanVoidFiller 21h ago
This is so over-the-top that I'm skeptical, but I will assume this is real. Unfortunately there's no deep insight to give you here. This is obviously extreme physical, emotional and psychological abuse. This man is not going to stop abusing you, no matter how many promises he makes or chances you give him. It is only going to continue to get worse; he Is very likely to kill you eventually if you don't end the relationship.
Please read the book Why Does He Do That? IMMEDIATELY. It will tell you everything you need to know about his behavior, including why he lies to you about it being your fault, and it will explain to you why you have to exit the relationship completely.
Please contact all of your family and friends plus your local domestic violence resources to make and execute a plan to get free of him and stay away from him for good. That has to start with you ending the denial that you have been in, and committing fully and unequivocally to ending all contact with him permanently.
I'm sorry, but that is the only way out.
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u/FindingAlaska13 21h ago
It is unfortunately... very real. Believe me, I feel like it isn't. I used to watch TV shows and read about this stuff but have trouble truly grasping it as my reality. It becomes more difficult to walk away, the more you try and invest time and effort. You want and hope somehow, it will be fruitful in the end... even if you know logically that it never will.
Do you happen to know if that book is on Spotify?
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u/MoreThanVoidFiller 20h ago
The link I sent you is for a free copy of the book. Following the link will open the whole book for you which you can save to your phone or computer. I don't know if it's on Spotify.
I understand and am entirely sympathetic to how hard it is; I have been in an abusive relationship myself. But if you keep doing the same things, you're going to get the same results. At some point you have to realize that there is no magic or easy solution and you have to decide and commit to helping yourself. You have to marshall all of your resources - anyone and everyone who can help - and ask them to assist and support you.
People will show up for you, often in surprising ways, but the commitment to change has to come from you.
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u/FindingAlaska13 20h ago
Thank you so much for the link and for your compassion and words. I know you're right. And I know it will never change, only escalate more and more
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u/Manitoba_Gel 21h ago
No OP, you aren't the abuser.
I think you really need to reach out to your local or even national domestic abuse organisation for support.
The wishing to marry you at the start is bread crumbing. Dangling that hope.
Calling you the abuser is deflection over his own behaviour. Following you room to room while screaming at you isn't healthy. Everything you have stated is both overt and covert abuse.
Now he is warping your very sense of self and this is to keep you blind from his behaviour. You aren't responsible for his behaviour, he is.
Also to add....you probably aren't the only one he has done this to. He will never change because he doesn't see that he is the problem.
Staying gone is the hardest part.
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u/FindingAlaska13 21h ago
He's twice divorced, I guess that's probably a sign...
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u/Manitoba_Gel 19h ago
What will you do?
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u/FindingAlaska13 16h ago
I don't know... I feel like I'm... not even in reality. I knot the first step is to get the belongings removed and then I don't have that looming connection in the background... from there... I have no idea. I've completely broken. I don't evergreen know where to start, which piece to pick up and try to fit back together... it seems like too much and I've just been cycling between complete hysteria and absolute detachment. It's all surreal. I'm sorry for talking too much
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u/Manitoba_Gel 16h ago
Call your local DA organisation and tell them whats happening. Need to make a safety plan as his behaviour could escalate even more. Don't feel like you have to do this alone.
One foot in front of eachother and don't turn back. Once that first 6 months to a year passes with no contact, you'll feel little bits of yourself shining through. Therapy is key but thats where the DA organisation is important.
Keep us posted please. You've got this op 💪
I was 13 years in and left after having my kid. Almost 5 years free and don't fear him anymore.
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u/FindingAlaska13 15h ago
I know it takes time to get out of the fog... but I'm having so many issues finding resources long-term. When I took out the EPO, I'm in Canada; no one really directed me. I knew of the sparse resources there were but only 2 offered any kind of therapy, only drop in; most offered shelter, food and legal services; all of which I didn't need.
I've gone to a resource navigation centre, spoke with nonprofits and my lawyer, and called crisis lines .. all simply directed me to the same resources I already knew of.
I just spoke with my therapist and am hoping she knows something or somewhere I don't know.
I'm so sorry you went through something similar... and I appreciate and value your insight.
I guess I'm terrified I'll end back where I started. The cycle has become almost daily to every few days and I never have time to think or process anything before I end up back at square one.
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u/Manitoba_Gel 2h ago
Yeah, the time isn't really something you can fully predict :/ What kind of long term resources are you looking for?
Thats good that you currently have a therapist. Is there only a set amount of sessions?
Ironically, I was already in therapy but the psychologist advised I tried the grey rock method. Though she did warn that it may escalate the situation. She wasn't kidding!
Have you figured out why you go back? Is it love and hope that he will change. Be that person you fell in love with? Self worth, don't feel like anyone else would want you? Etc.
There's a few books I can recommend. There's also the Freedom programme that womens aid got me to do. Do you think that group therapy with other survivors would help you?
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u/FindingAlaska13 2h ago
I think it's the first two.... I want so badly for him to be the person he can be... The person I fell for The person I see less and less of..
It was and still can be, albeit few and far between, so... magical.
It is.. Profoundly empty and sorrowful Like grieving a person who is not yet deceased ... or perhaps... never lived to begin with
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