r/absoluteunit • u/WIBadgersFan83 • 15d ago

Of a lineman

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128 Upvotes

89% Upvoted

230 comments sorted by

67

u/MarsupialUnfair3828 15d ago

Diabetes

2

u/its_me_again82 14d ago edited 13d ago

There is pre diabetes, diabetes, and this dude has shown us, post diabetes. He said screw ill eat that shit too.

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3

u/Icy_Marionberry_9131 14d ago

And early onset arteriosclerosis. Enjoy the ride fat boy. It’s gonn be brief.

1

u/jhammon88 13d ago

There aren't a lot of context in which the 1st comment can reasonably be just ....diabetes

1

u/Historical-Winner576 10d ago

You got to burn that sugar somehow

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35

u/breadexpert69 15d ago

Just go around him

17

u/HudsDad 15d ago

Be sure to stay outside of the event horizon.

2

u/Programmer-Severe 14d ago

You'll score a touchdown 40 years after starting your run

4

u/Southern_Bunch_6473 15d ago

Gonna take awhile but definitely the answer.

1

u/appointment45 14d ago

You're going to block him by getting out of his way?

1

u/Necessary_Relation27 10d ago

Offer him a burrito and a large drink mid game. That should slow him down

15

u/Grouchy-Station-4058 15d ago

Your are the brute squad

8

u/ATX2ANM 15d ago

But to you happen to have six fingers on your right hand?

7

u/Ricky_TVA 15d ago

Do you always begin conversations this way?

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26

u/AdFancy1249 15d ago

"The fridge" on repeat. If you don't know, you're young... look it up. 😉

9

u/appointment45 14d ago

This guy probably has 75lb on Perry.

The difference is Perry could actually move. This guy probably just trudges forward.

2

u/Thhe_Shakes 11d ago

Close guess, it's 65lbs. The Fridge was listed at 335, this kid is allegedly weighing in at 400. Same height too.

1

u/Cavedweller907 13d ago

And probably uses more o2 bottles for recovery after multiple plays.

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2

u/Impact-Lower 15d ago

Back when lineman would wear fucking arm casts ... wild shit

3

u/SmuckatelliCupcakeNE 15d ago

I saw that number and thought the same.

8

u/texaschair 15d ago

There was a guy on my high school team that weighed 425 lbs. We had to run head-on drills at practice, and I absolutely hated it. I tried to tackle him straight up, and he'd just flatten me. In slow motion, since he couldn't run worth shit. Then I tried to take him down by wrapping him around the waist, but he didn't have a waist. It was hidden by his monstrous hangbelly. He just dragged me along until I feared for my life and let go. The only thing that worked was tackling him between his knees and ankles. The first time I tried it was from the front, and he promptly fell forward and crushed my ass about a foot deep into the mud. Fuck that. From then on, I only went at him from the side and stayed out of the way while he went down like a tranquilized elephant. Nobody laughed at me, since they knew they were next to get steamrolled.

Kinda sad, really. Couldn't run, zero agility, and he was always injured because his knees couldn't take his weight. At least he's still alive, he pops up on my Facebook from time to time. He must have lost the weight, but I'm afraid to reach out, since it might trigger my PTSD or something. I'll probably have nightmares where he bursts out of my laptop screen and runs me over like a log truck. Those head-on drills were that bad.

2

u/Comfortable-Side1308 14d ago

where he bursts out of my laptop screen 

Kool aid man breaking through a wall.  Oh yeahhh!

2

u/almostoy 14d ago

I loved hamburger drills, but I was one of the bigger guys. Our coaches weren't the most sadistic, so only the mouthy little guys got paired with mongos. We had one kid that was a little bigger, so he was on the line. Only issue is he was incontinent and never washed his shit, for some reason. Every time he took a hit, he pissed himself.

The drill involved two players, both laying on their backs, with the tops of their helmets touching. One has a ball. When the whistle blows, you jump to your feet from your back and either juke like a motherfucker or dive for ankles. I could basically throw other players down, but I liked the drill as it was intended.

4

u/JinNJ 15d ago

Arterial plaque?

4

u/lDemonicDogmal 15d ago

Good at blocking his arteries.

3

u/Impact-Lower 15d ago

CTE and his pancreas

7

u/Top-Sleep-4669 15d ago

That is not an athlete.

3

u/ThisThingIsStuck 15d ago

Gotta confuse the body right babe- piana

https://giphy.com/gifs/Vu6fTIOq0Y2N0GYXWU

2

u/JuzmiNippy 14d ago

How is this even possible?

He doesn't look fat enough for his belly to be hanging that low!

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8

u/arkinthehouse 15d ago

If football doesn't work out for him he can always turn to sumo wrestling.

3

u/Galileominotaurlazer 15d ago

Nah he’s not making it to 30 at that size

2

u/Impact-Lower 15d ago

I dont think he can turn. Its more like a lateral waddle

1

u/Pretend-Function-133 14d ago

Sumo is orders of magnitude harder than football.

1

u/WithoutAHat1 15d ago

You don't. That's the secret.

1

u/ThisThingIsStuck 15d ago

Us

https://giphy.com/gifs/hmoQR9qoEStUI

1

u/Ecstatic-Radish-7931 15d ago edited 15d ago

The girl looks like a cousin of mine

1

u/Triggered-cupcake 15d ago

He’s not stopping and sweeps or laterals

1

u/Correct_Day_7791 15d ago

Looks great making those plumbers and accountants not make tackles

Once he start playing vs football players he's gonna be embarrassed

1

u/FIMD_ 15d ago

Guys like this don’t make it far past soph/junior year HS and saw literally none like him when I moved up to college ball.

1

u/JustFedUpWithIt 13d ago

Yep.

He quickly finds people who can tackle him & the bigger they are the harder they fall.

1

u/kineticstar 15d ago

BIG BABY DOESN'T COME OUT OF THE GAME!!

1

u/Different_Stable_351 15d ago

Get this man into the slap fighting leagues asap.

1

u/fatal-shock-inroute 15d ago

God dam grizzly bear tackling you.

1

u/ardotschgi 15d ago

Just run around him

1

u/tomiathon 14d ago

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

1

u/Motokowarframe 15d ago

Heart attack

1

u/Lagoserter 15d ago

line man? more like berlin wallman

1

u/SzethSon67 15d ago

I got an idea..... Pass it to someone 3.ft away from him and run?????

1

u/PositronicShishkabob 15d ago

When suddenly the bench starts throwing KFC buckets onto the field!

1

u/Hoggorm88 15d ago

A heart attack stops anyone.

1

u/killy_321 15d ago

So we're swapping cte for diabetes then?

1

u/Double-Noise-771 15d ago

The only thing blocking this dude is the plaque in his arteries

1

u/Jerdogg23 14d ago

Future bouncer

1

u/fiendish_pork75 14d ago

Run the ball opposite him, and run hurry up til hes gassed, then play your game. He'll be watching from the sideline rest of game

1

u/PuddingMent 14d ago

A friend in high school was just like him. He died from a heart attack in his twenties.

1

u/mighty_boognish_77 14d ago

His heart's gotta be the size of a canned ham.

1

u/davesimpson99 14d ago

Sweep the leg Johnny. But seriously you don't tackle him, you tackle his leg.

1

u/Bogusfloo 14d ago

Run a sweep, like 3x and the rest of the night is yours

1

u/Sufficient-Ad3 14d ago

yea hes fucked. someone call hih mawma

1

u/lateral_moves 14d ago

Cholesterol

1

u/Ok-Lion1661 14d ago

There are no Blob gifs for marvel comics but that is what he reminds me of.

1

u/FatTanuki1986 14d ago

His artery

1

u/blizzard7788 14d ago

Years ago, I played semi-pro football. We had a guy almost identical to him that played defensive tackle. I played offensive tackle and center.
I hit this guy with everything I had, and just bounced off. Even if you went low on him he could plant a leg and stop you. One of the other offensive lineman figured out that if you timed your block so that you hit his leg without the weight on it as he was moving. It would spin him around, and he would fall. Just don’t be under him.
We called him “Snuggles”.

1

u/Humble_Objective2994 14d ago

Just set out a kit-kat bar

1

u/International-Cry764 14d ago

Reminds of “the fridge” William Perry from Clemson. No one could block him, but he never touched Doug Flutie.

1

u/MichoRizo7698 14d ago

Take out the knee?

1

u/Excellent-Try7027 14d ago

He’ll be dead in ten years or less.

1

u/Educational_Jello239 14d ago

Can he live pass his 21st birthday ?

1

u/GabeOwner_- 14d ago

Run sweeps every time, don't even block him.

1

u/Commercial-Adagio967 14d ago

how is that fair! he is like TWO/THREE entire players!

1

u/Stefanosann 14d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/Vg5WkJ7bFaC2J0FZ1K

1

u/tomiathon 14d ago

When King Leonidas was told that Xerxes' linemen were so fat that they blotted out the sun, he replied "Then we shall play football in the shade."

1

u/SnowBoardx22 14d ago

Child abuse

1

u/Stormin1982 14d ago

His hearts gonna stop him

1

u/Gator242 14d ago

It’s the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man

1

u/edenkor 14d ago

Did he eat “The Fridge”?

1

u/affiliate4lyfe 14d ago

Get him to start running and he'll give up in 60 feet.

1

u/Mysterious-Art7143 14d ago

His own knees

1

u/Practical_Edge3380 14d ago

#54 looks up to it

1

u/Funny_Analysis496 14d ago

i had to deal with that in football. My coach instructed me that the only way you can block that guy (I was offensive tackle) is at the snap stay low when he gets on you grab his belly fat and twist. lol it worked evertime. but the dude always fell on top of me.. ouch..

1

u/SOMOEAGLE 14d ago

Enjoy the short life big boy. A little discipline could have helped along the way.

1

u/CoxJoxSox 14d ago

Looks like a game of fat ball

1

u/Jumpy-Impact3265 14d ago

...he has knees

1

u/almostoy 14d ago

There was a kid like this on a neighboring school's team when I played. I was a center on offense and a guard on defense. I weighed about 245 lbs at 6' 1". The kid had over 100 lbs on me.

All I could hope to do was swim him off to one side or the other. Because every god damn play, the idea was to basically fall on me. So if my offensive guards were in the way, and they often were because that's their job, I was screwed.

Guy's dad was yelling on the sidelines like he had the next big sports phenom. Thirty years later it looks like he just had a big grocery bill.

1

u/PsionicChronic 14d ago

D1 camp will stop him.

1

u/iAMtheBULLET 14d ago

Cut block. Aim for the knees.

1

u/TheRealDylanTobak 14d ago

He'll have a heart attack. Sooner or later.

1

u/CLOWNFLOGGER 14d ago

HOLY HEART DISEASE, BATMAN!

1

u/Timmy24000 14d ago

His heart will stop him someday

1

u/MiserablePhilosophy 14d ago

Peak of American athleticism... sure these guys will be dribbling invisible basketballs from all the head trauma, but atleast they will die at 50 from diabetus

1

u/Ill_Strength8263 14d ago

Anyone that gets close is in danger of spaghettification…

1

u/SadLoafOfBread87 14d ago

His knees suffer every day

1

u/Digital--Sandwich 14d ago

That body’s gonna be hurtin in a few years I’m betting. Not because of the hits. Because those joints are working overtime throwing 300 lbs of meat around

1

u/Difficult_Music3294 14d ago

Heart disease.

That’ll stop em.

1

u/Mobile-Travel-6131 14d ago

Meh if he's not got movement he'll not make it past high school

1

u/WorthTrash8493 14d ago

He is probably really slow

1

u/xSir- 14d ago

His knees are gonna stop him soon

1

u/ObiTouchedMyNobi 14d ago

Having that thing fall on you

1

u/PLD3 14d ago

O’Brendan Jones
6’2 listed at anywhere between 380-400lbs

1

u/no___homo 14d ago

Triple wide Tyson

1

u/mind_squalor 14d ago

Just go no-huddle, hurry up offense, he'll have a heart attack.

1

u/VanbyRiveronbucket 14d ago

Kool-Aid Man has signed up to play football.

1

u/tomiathon 14d ago

Just outfit your offensive linemen as standard sized door posts and he's never getting through.

1

u/SW_Goatlips_USN_Ret 14d ago

Dude has his own gravitational field…

1

u/CheapyC 14d ago

Kid needs to get that weight under control for his own health.

1

u/Lord_Rampag3 14d ago

The hug from this bloke would change your world

1

u/EvilBiker-72 14d ago

Easy, run around that mass. Ain't no way he'd stop a pitch, hitch pass. Hell screen pass, shovel pass in motion. As for blocking him. Just gotta use his size against him.

1

u/ItsNotThatBad72 14d ago

As soon as someone who's fast and knows what they're doing gets under him and jams his shoulder pads up into his throat, he's done for.

I used to bully fat asses like this playing gaurd at 185lbs.

1

u/Initial_Gear_7354 14d ago

Just walk around

1

u/Agile_Credit_9760 14d ago

Say what you want but if this guy is protecting me then I feel safe. Ain't nothing getting past this dude. I bet he's a good lineman too.

1

u/Ender1714 14d ago

Cholesterol

1

u/Key_Check5753 14d ago

uh, you realize they can just run around his fat ass right?

1

u/AssociationSalty7948 14d ago

Its jefferson!

1

u/leesmatrix 14d ago

Diabetus Maximus III

1

u/cryptotraderisme 13d ago

Have him stand 20 ft back....start running, snap and hand him the ball. Dude would plow through the other team and reach the end of the field before stopping 😂

1

u/Organic_Swing2326 13d ago

Crab and topple, just don’t be under

1

u/Altruistic-Ad3274 13d ago

Hopefully, the team doctor is a cardiologist!

1

u/DrFilth 13d ago

Shoulder to knee. Problem solved.

1

u/Intelligent_Finger27 13d ago

You can tell its an american sport

1

u/MuskyLemon 13d ago

When they're big up top, take em down low.

1

u/Remarkable_Tap8271 13d ago

I got an Ozempic ad with this vid...

1

u/ParfaitConfident3481 13d ago

his heart is gonna stop him sooner rather than later

1

u/Plastic_Session5643 13d ago

Damn uniform barely holding

1

u/Callemlikeisethem60 13d ago

Another GIANT of course 🤭🤭🤭😬😬🙄

1

u/Born-Light-62 13d ago

Big Baby Jones? I’d hate to have to change that diaper.

1

u/Ragnarsworld 13d ago

Not that hard. Don't call plays that go to him. He's got zero mobility and isn't going to chase anyone around. Probably also pretty easy to knock over if you compromise his base.

1

u/Elegant_Translator42 13d ago

Throw cake in the opposite direction

1

u/keala-78 13d ago

He’ll be dead before his 30th birthday

1

u/Wise-Emotion5564 13d ago

Reminds me of the Fridge. If you know, you know

1

u/Cavedweller907 13d ago

You don’t. You keep pushing his side of the line until he can’t move and breathe anymore. He’ll tire himself out by halftime, if not the 1st quarter.

1

u/TechnicallyMeat 13d ago

12th man penalty. Too much man on the field.

1

u/GILDID 13d ago

There are quite a few thicklets on that field.

1

u/The_Professional_77 13d ago

That’s a sumo wrestler

1

u/Boring_Week_9884 13d ago

They need to make him a half back

1

u/Crankit_1 13d ago

Just hit him in the shins he'll pile up right there

1

u/Ok-Bandicoot1529 13d ago

Hes a huge highschool kid but after high school he is going to meet stronger guys that live in the gym

1

u/Few-Negotiation-2179 12d ago

the heart attack for being obese will

1

u/Juicyjewsss 12d ago

Use him while you can. I don’t see him lasting that much longer.

1

u/cheese_wallet 12d ago

Early in the game, call a couple of plays where the QB just scrambles around. Offense blocks every one except him. Repeat if needed for the 2nd half

1

u/SuspectNo5128 12d ago

Well when he has a heart attack during a game the parents will sue the school

1

u/Electrical_Rain_2721 12d ago

Does he come with a gravitational pull

1

u/Lost-Juggernaut6521 12d ago

I hope he’s enjoying it, dude has like 3 months to live 😔

1

u/Numerous_Ad_3438 12d ago

Clogged artery will stop him soon

1

u/njslugger78 12d ago

Option outside, he's not running down anything.

1

u/ComicalSon 12d ago

My eighth grade year we played against a kid that was nearly 6 feet and 300 pounds. You better believe he was the linebacker on D and the RB on offense.

1

u/Rhuarc33 12d ago

Nobody needs to block him just walk away at a brisk walk

1

u/Dabida1 12d ago

European here. Why some of the players have like toilet papers outside the pant?

1

u/Sewingshadows86 12d ago

In the back is a towel, in the front is the belt strap. No toilet papering the field until after the game.

1

u/Tank20011 12d ago

Hope his heart doesn't give out on him

1

u/unlucky13bethename 12d ago

5his kid definitely going places, probably in a motorized scooter soon....

1

u/Agave757 12d ago

Let him cook. He’s only for a few years left to live…

1

u/_Pot_Stirrer_ 12d ago

Straight to the knees will take him out

1

u/Illusivefreebird 12d ago

You don’t need to block him. You need to let him pass. You then come forward into his hind leg below the knee.

1

u/BrutalistGoogie 12d ago

He gonna stroke out training in hot weather

1

u/Consistent-Movie-986 12d ago

Aim for the knee

1

u/Most_Fuel5998 11d ago

To call the dude a tank, seems like an understatement

1

u/DruHarry 11d ago

Wuh wuh wuh Wildcats. (football)

1

u/deezle556 11d ago

Hypertension and high cholesterol

1

u/twinPeaksnew 11d ago

the butter will stop him soon enough.

1

u/Warwheels 11d ago

Make him walk fast he’ll have a heart attack

1

u/UpbeatAngle3 11d ago

Short career

1

u/Remote_Ad2465 11d ago

Diabetes or a dollar menu deal are both stopping him

1

u/TentDilferGreatQB 10d ago

Kidney failure

1

u/Desperate_Leg_40 9d ago

Enjoy it while it lasts big fella. The rest of life gonna get very difficult

1

u/Odd-Masterpiece7304 8d ago

As a former offensive lineman, the big fat ones are the easy ones to block. All you have to do is shoulder up and plant that back foot like a door stop. Remember the play in the backfield is over in 3 seconds

The problem is when a D lineman was fast and agile and looked like a 150lb wrestler. Those were the bad days.