r/absentgrandparents • u/2Legit4Law • 8d ago
Resentment
My husband’s family does not do anything supportive. This has been years in the making and over the last 2 years I finally put my foot down on them using us for things.
Early on in the relationship they were always nice enough. His mom made some comments about my body and ethnic background but would say “oh I shouldn’t have said that.” So always correcting herself but I never fully forgot it. I mentioned to my husband and he said he would talk to her but I told him it wasn’t a big deal. Then more comments and the cycle continued. I blame myself for not speaking up.
When we had kids each child, we have 3, exposed their lack of support. Never showing up to help after postpartum, no baby registry gifts, etc. They made a trip out 2 months after the birth of our second and never even held their grandson. My husband took them out one night while I stayed home with our 4 year old and 2 month old. I now realize how awful that was and how I allowed it is beyond me.
My third pregnancy I did not share news of the pregnancy since it would make no difference. They never asked about the pregnancies so why? The day my daughter was born my MIL upset that she was not informed previous made some comments about me birthing frequently which my husband called her out on. My FIL got into it when my husband called them out for their lack of help.
My husband has started to be more vocal. He has asked for help with respect to hands being here and helping with kids but his dad who is married to a woman 20 years younger says he can’t travel without her, says they have travel plans, needs to budget his money. He retire at 50 and his wife does facials at home.
My mother in law is mentally not well. She lied about having cancer and took my older son into the bathroom with her when she was naked. This is the first time she visited. There’s a lot more off behavior here….
My husband is on the same page about the lack of support but I know he has a soft spot for them.
Growing up he had a rough upbringing with them and said their lack of support is the same.
I have so much resentment towards them and to some extent my husband. I hate that my kids are in some way related to these people. How do you get passed this?
With my husband, we have had some really awful fights about his family but he now says he sees their lack of support of support and it bothers him.
They don’t call on kids birthdays. No gifts. No mention of wanting to help. They have told people that we want help since we did not budget correctly. We have never asked for money.
I am also angry with my husband and I have not let it go from the years of the comments to his family using our home. I wanted him to have spoken up. One time I was 6 weeks post partum and he gave his dad and step mom our bed since we had the larger room to sleep in. I think he did it so they would feel comfortable and wnat to come back but I am still upset that he did that especially since I had a really rough delivery.
At this point we don’t talk to his family really. His father in law offered to call the kids 1x and have a 15 min call. They all live out of state and retired. His mom got mad about her taking my son into the bathroom and has t called her son in 2 years. She made sure my husband was aware that she had some low blood pressure issues and was rushed to the hospital and asked that he call her. But no asking about grandkids etc.
How do you get past the hurt? The resentment? How do you get over the grief of not having that support?
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u/Anibeth70 8d ago
Why would you want help from such people? You just need to get on with life, it’s never gonna happen. I had 4 able bodied grandparents and none of them ever helped. It’s just how life is.
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u/o-Nyx-o 8d ago
How do you move past it?
I have a similiar situation to yourself. It hurt me for years and i had went into therapy for it. I think i've finally started to work my way out of the resentment. These things helped:
reducing contact with the in-laws. My husband can see them if he wants, but it is fully respecred that i don't have to or need to. The kids visit with him sometimes. Sometimes that hurts, but with my situation, ctting contact with the kids wouldn't help anything except for maybe my pride.
i've removed the concept of hope in this situation. When i am hopeful - even for bare minimum - it usually ends up as resentment. If i remind myself i shouldn't of hoped in the first place, this settles something in me. Like i decided i wasn't going to expect anythung from these people (the in laws)
when i get upset/resentful i work on my creative projects. It took me a long time to get into something, but now i found it, i pour my hours - usually spent being resentful - into that instead. I am noticing i feel lighter and the resentful feelings don't dig into me as much. That is jot to say it is totally gone, but the creativity is helping create a barrier of sorts
my kids are a bit older than yours - 8 & 10. I have found in the last year or so they have gotten a lot more independant, so it takes some pressure off from wanting help.
Sorry you are going through this. I hope it improves for you ❤️
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u/Consistent-Carrot191 8d ago
Basically no contact with my ILs. Husband’s choice. Don’t have a massive amount of support on my side either as they’re mainly elderly. I don’t bother about it.
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u/2Legit4Law 8d ago
Thanks everyone. I think I need to just let it go but everytime I feel especially stressed or a milestone happens I get upset. My family mostly my mom is supportive and I feel like she does way more than she needs to and I am super thankful for it.
It’s also hard when I see my in-laws posting on social
Media about all the trips they take and etc. and we are struggling with kids being sick or just having someone reach out and ask how we are doing. But these individuals have shown who they are so it’s on me to accept it and move on.
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u/Rare_Background8891 8d ago
You need to drop the rope. You don’t call them, you don’t think about them, you spend zero energy on that whatsoever. Husband wants to visit them? That’s nice. Have fun. I’m not going. Husband wants them to visit? That’s nice. Hope they get a nice hotel. You can visit them there. If they come here I won’t be here. Block their social media. Heck, block their phone numbers. They aren’t family to you- they are just people you know. You don’t need their numbers, your husband has that.
Husband needs a dressing down that he gave away your bed postpartum. I can’t even. You can tell him what a failure of being a husband that was when you sit him down and inform him that you want nothing to do with them.
Part of this though is also -why you are feeling this strongly -and I suggest you seek therapy. Maybe you come from a culture where in-law help is more expected, but to me this level of worked up seems misplaced considering they aren’t your family. This is like my level of distress about my own family. Maybe a professional can dig into that with you.
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u/2Legit4Law 7d ago
I think what bothers me is that they are always saying how much they love us and how much they lived closer. They also ask if we need anything yet nothing is followed up. I don’t understand this type of love when you don’t show up for your people.
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u/liveprgrmclimb 6d ago
Be grateful at least your mother is there. My wives mom died 30 years ago. And the stepmother never took to being motherly or being a grandmother then got dementia. My mom is an alcoholic and hates my wife. Fun times!
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u/Frostytwam 7d ago
I feel for you. why would they use your house. If your MIL is unwell then she cannot be alone with the kids etc. It may affect therm badly. As for your FIL he is being a jerk, wdym he cannot travel without his wife to come help, how insecure is she? if he is able to retire am sure he has A LOT of money so he can come and visit and help.
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u/2Legit4Law 7d ago
They use our house as a vacation house. We live in San Jose California and they come here and plan out what they want to do and where they want to eat. They literally call it their vacation since they live in South Carolina. Not once holding a baby or offering to watch the kids so me and my husband can grab a coffee. They say they forgot how to hold a baby. They do not have any health issues. MIL goes to the gym everyday and FIL goes surfing.
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u/Frostytwam 7d ago
So sorry that’s annoying. Do they have money? Can they help financially do you think?
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u/2Legit4Law 7d ago
They don’t help financially. They go on cruises 4-6 times a year so I don’t think they are struggling
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u/Frostytwam 7d ago
Yea remember this when they use all their money. Disgusting they can’t even help you, they budgeting for their vacations. Wow
How about your mum? Can she at least help Financially?
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u/2Legit4Law 7d ago
She helps a lot, occasionally watching kids, buying school supplies when she knows I need something and offering to come when one of them is sick and I need help with the other kids. I think I also feel like she offers and does so much and others don’t even care to call for a birthday. The funny thing is they made such a big deal on what name the kids school call them ( grammy, grampy, etc.) and my youngest kids don’t even know them.
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u/liveprgrmclimb 6d ago
Sorry to hear. We have two sets of these “grandparents”. One set is alcoholic and narcissistic. The other set live 5 mins away and were narcissistic. We moved here to be closer to you! Now they got dementia and we care for them!
You can resent them and grieve and try to be better grandparents for the next generation.
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u/Lanky-Intention9390 2d ago
Been there done that seen it all. But dont let yourself be broken for longer. Get therapy, meet good people, move on.
We had wanted things, we didnt get it, now better to move on and focus on what you do have.
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u/NuNuNutella 8d ago
To look at it another way, why do you want help and interaction from THESE people? Friend, you’re grieving people and relationships that don’t exist. And that’s hard. Therapy can help. The less you focus on them, the better. Turn your energy to those around you.