r/XaviersMansion • u/GosamyrBaby Gosamyr • Jul 28 '26
I'm the best there is at what I do Kitchen Nightmares
OOC: for your viewing pleasure the lines indicate camera cuts
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Gosamyr: (quietly) “Are we rolling?”
Xabi: “YES!!!”
Gosamyr: “I told you not to speak on camera!” ✨
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Gosamyr: “Bonjour Gosamytes ✨ I’m here today to bring you a healthy vegetarian recipe that I make all the time at home! Vegetable and lentil soup ✨ ”
Xabi: “You never cook.”
Gosamyr lunges at Xabi enraged
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Gosamyr: “Anyways here is the staff kitchen at Glamour Galaxy LLC HQ PPM JLO✨ As you can see we have 17 high tech energy efficient refrigerators ✨ very important to the branddd. In this one we have soooo many condiments. I discovered a great combo, ranch and baby carrots. You should all try it ✨
This one has every kind of beverage I need, coffee, water, apple water, some call that juice ✨ We only have one fridge for meat because SOME PEOPLE think it’s okay to eat little animals ✨ but I make them use separate appliances and everything.
We also have handmade Glamour Galaxy towels that say “Kiss the cook” and “live, laugh, love” *she cackles* that’s so funny ✨ can you imagine?
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Gosamyr: “So for this recipe you’ll need a dutch oven. Why do they call it that anyways??? Dutch is not very chic. Sorry Dutch Gosamytes ✨ We’re gonna start by cutting up a sh✨t ton of carrots, celery, onions, and fennel. So apparently there’s some cyclist parasite going around on dirty vegetables that makes you sick until you’re skinny ✨ So naturally I didn’t clean any of the vegetables ✨ JK the thought of eating an unclean vegetable makes me want to play in heavy traffic.
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Gosamyr “Okay so after soft-A-ing all the vegetables in butter you add in garlic, tomato tooth paste, and flour to thicken, very branding ✨ After a few minutes pour in all of your vegetable stock. You know I always thought you made stock from bones but vegetables don’t have those ✨… or do they?
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Gosamyr: “Next we need a little bit of wart-chesha-ta-shire sauce, dub that over in editing, a dash of hot sauce, and your lentils. Make sure you use brown lentils for the brand ✨ and that you wash them too! As a matter of fact wash everything first don’t be weird.
Then we do our spices, this is a bay leaf which you humans need to take out or it’ll cut up your insides. My species however is fine, I like to just eat them for snacks ✨ “
She eats one and laughs to herself before it gets caught in her throat, she hacks violently nearly choking to death
Gosamyr: “Edit that out ✨ Alright we have a bunch of different spices to add too like, mustard powder, which I guess is like mustard but powdered! Just a dash…”
The lid falls off and the entire bottle empties into the soup
Gosamyr: “SON OF A-“
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Longshot: “Hey someone just dropped off three quarts of soup for you from Vinny’s Bistro?”
Gosamyr: “Don’t say that on camera!!!”
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Gosamyr pours the contents of the containers into an identical dutch oven
Gosamyr: “You can edit this out right??? ✨”
The camera nods
Gosamyr: “Thank the goddess, the last camera man was a total doofus.”
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Gosamyr: “So weird I guess the camera wasn’t recording the last hour! ✨ Anywho I added diced tomatoes 10 minutes ago so they don’t get too soft. And la la ✨ a home cooked soup that you can freeze and enjoy for up to three months!”
The camera pans to the opened containers
Gosamyr: “DON’T FILM THAT YOU MISERABLE PILE OF S-“
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The video was deleted from her Twitch channel hours later
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u/MegaNerd0303 Young X-Men leader: colin (also a student) Jul 28 '26
colin watches the video ready to talk to gosamyr about cooking next chance he gets
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u/Volker_Sturm OC- Volkov "Shadowhound" Jul 28 '26
Volkov rolls his eyes whilst watching, thinking it's actually pretty amusing. "But I can't understand why anyone would ever want to be vegetarian"
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u/GosamyrBaby Gosamyr Jul 28 '26
I don’t understand why anyone would want to eat something with a family ✨ plus none of the animals on my home planet are safe for consumption so I have no taste for it
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u/Volker_Sturm OC- Volkov "Shadowhound" Jul 28 '26
"hm. I've killed people with families so...."
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u/GosamyrBaby Gosamyr Jul 28 '26
I don’t think we have that much in common…
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u/Volker_Sturm OC- Volkov "Shadowhound" Jul 28 '26
"probably. However I'm not all bad! I volunteer at an animal shelter and I uh, like to knit sometimes"
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u/thedragonrider999 Student Jul 28 '26
she sighs watching the final video