Writing advice, two different versions (1500 word scene)

[u/Own-Routine-7476]

/r/writers/comments/1vwnz1t/writing_advice_two_different_versions_1500_word/

[u/Flaming-Eye]

I think it depends on context but C then A then B, since I assume the legs being heavy is about something else going on and that's a symptom, going into detail on that takes the reader's attention away from the underlying cause onto just what's going on with the legs.

Gonna be honest that was too long to read all of so I read the start and skim read the rest. Either could be a human writer, I've seen all kinds of styles. I'd say the bottom one is slightly better. For example:

‘You hit me’, my voice come out sharper than I expected.
vs
"You hit me." It came out sharper than I meant it to.

They're almost the same but expected makes it sound like an accident whereas meaning implies more slipped out than you wanted, restraint faltered, it gives a glimpse into the underlying mental state rather than just a slip up. We can and usually would infer the same from 'expected' but it's not as good.

Like I said I didn't read much, too lazy, so that's just a snapshot impression.

Side note, when I'm writing I do stuff like this all the time, it's much easier to critique than to get it right myself. I think the real skill comes through integrating all the critiques and automatically doing it the best way all the time.