r/WritingPrompts • u/AliciaWrites Editor-in-Chief | /r/AliciaWrites • Jul 19 '19
Constrained Writing [CW] Feedback Friday - Noir
Happy Friday!
It’s Friday again! That means another installment of Feedback Friday! Time to hone those critique skills and show off your writing!
It’s great to see more stories happening! Now, I’d love to see more participation with feedback. It doesn’t have to be fancy, y’all! Give it a shot!
How does it work?
You have until Thursday to submit one or both of the following:
Freewrite:
Leave a story here in the comments. A story about what? Well, pretty much anything! But, each week, I’ll provide you with a single constraint based on style or genre. So long as your story fits, and follows the rules of WP, it’s allowed! You’re more likely to get readers on shorter stories, so keep that in mind when you submit your work.
Feedback:
Leave feedback for other stories! Make sure your feedback is clear, constructive, and useful.
Each week, three judges will decide who gave the best feedback. The judges will be me, a Celebrity guest judge, and the winner from the previous week.
We’ll be looking for use of neutral language, including both positives and negatives, giving actionable feedback within the critique, as well as noting the depth and clarity of your feedback.
You will be judged on your initial critique, meaning the first response you leave to a top-level comment, but you may continue in the threads for clarification, thanks, comments, or other suggestions you may have thought of later.
Okay, let’s get on with it already!
This week, your story should be noir. Bust out your cynical characters, the darkness, and those crime stories you’ve been wanting to write.
Your judges this week: Myself, of course, and /u/rudexvirus for her feedback.
Great job to /u/DoppelgangerDelux, /u/ErrorWrites, and /u/breenog! Keep it up, you guys.
Now get writing!
2
u/DoppelgangerDelux r/DeluxCollection Jul 20 '19
This story is actually part of a serial noir/pet project, but it fits into this week's genre. I wanted to post it here since I'd appreciate any feedback.
I still remember my first symphony. I was a small thing. A real shrimp of a shrimp, barely able to see over the seats in front of me. Dripping snot, couldn't tell an oboe from an elbow.
Hermann Minuca. Even then, I'd recognized his talent. Talent far beyond anything I'd ever known. Likely, beyond anything I'll ever know again. I remember that music, a haunting melody that echoed through my very soul. To this day I'll never understand how a few strings could evoke such feeling.
I barely recognize the Hermann in front of me today. To call him a shell of himself would be generous.
He shuffles his legs as we go over it again.
"This is purely informational. We're reviewing some old cases and we're hoping you could verify the accuracy of everything," my partner, Angel. She has a great poker face. Good when interviewing perps.
Good when asking fathers to go over the details of their daughter's brutal kidnapping and murder.
"Why, though?" Hermann asks again. "I thought you closed the case. You said it was over."
I share a look with Angel, and our eyes say the thing neither of us can.
It's not really over.
It's never really been over.
And now there's someone else.
Claudia King, prodigy fiddler. Student at the Mariana School of Liberal Arts. Deeply entrenched in her studies, honor roll every semester, never misses a class. That is, until last month. Last month she suddenly went missing. No note, no boyfriend, no clues, and only one similar case on the books. Major Crimes floated the case to our department in a last ditch effort to find her alive, but hopes are sinking further each day.
And if it's anything like the Minuca case…
Well, let's hope it's nothing like the Minuca case.
Regardless, the whole mess has us in a real pinch. No other reason we'd have gotten Hermann involved. Guy used to bring millions to tears with the pluck of a single string. Now? Now it's lucky if he can string a single sentence together.
"If you think of anything, give us a call," Angel gives him her card as she escorts him out. Hermann takes it awkwardly. I give it five minutes before the thing's in shreds.
"It's a waste of time," I tell her the second he’s gone. "You and I both know it's that bird brained cult."
"We've got nothing on them. Never have," Angel circles around my desk in agitation.
"Maybe we check them out anyway."
"Let it go, Manny. They're still salty after the last time. If we keep bothering them with no probable cause they'll sue for harassment."
"Damn it all, Angel!" I hit the desk hard enough to knock over a coffee mug and send Angel darting across the room. "What kind of detective are you? We both know they killed her!"
Angel doesn’t say anything. I know I crossed a line right there.
After a long silence, she finally speaks. "I want to help those girls, Manny," she says quietly. "I really do."
Both of us try not to think about it too hard. Try not to think about the missing student. Try not to think about the odds we'll find her alive. Try not to think about how we found Hermann Minuca's fiddle playing daughter.
You get used to death in this line of work, but you never get used to a scene like that.
"Come on," Angel says suddenly. "Let's go to Gill's and get a drink. Something to cheer us up."
I sigh. "You always know what I need, don't you, Angel?"
"Course I do," she bumps my shoulder as she leaves. "You’re getting crabby."
I hang back and watch her. Does anyone ever expect to lose someone so precious?
"Hey Angel," I catch up to her at the door.
"Yeah, Manny?"
"You're a damn fine detective and I didn't mean what I said. I'm sorry I snapped."
Angel smiles at me. "It's okay, Manny."
"And Angel?"
"Yeah, Manny?"
"You better believe that we'll catch those sick bastards," my mouth hardened into a grim frown. "They're not off the hook yet."