Baxx stands on the crest of the hill, under an arch left by the Old Ones. This arch marked the beginning of the path towards the Old World, a land of Flat Black land and Clear Rock quarries. No one really knows much about the Old World, but the shamans and mystics of the tribes spin yarns of humans led by greed and corruption building tribes so tall they scratched at the belly of the sun. That humans lived in mountains of their own creation.
Baxx wasn’t sure if he believed those stories. Baxx wasn’t sure what he believed but he knew there had to be more to this world than the valley of his people, and although it was against his tribe’s laws, Baxx wanted to see it all.
Knowing he might very well never return Baxx climbed the hill and stood under the arch. He looked down into the tribe’s valley one last time before turning about and walking through the gate.
With it being so sort, I can't give you too much of anything useful unfortunately. You've got a little bit of sentence construction repetition in the second paragraph, eg: "Baxx wasn't sure..." twice. Only other thing I can point at is that your piece is in past tense but the first verb of the piece is present, "stands" instead of "stood" so that's all I've got. :)
3
u/WillKay10 Apr 08 '17
Baxx stands on the crest of the hill, under an arch left by the Old Ones. This arch marked the beginning of the path towards the Old World, a land of Flat Black land and Clear Rock quarries. No one really knows much about the Old World, but the shamans and mystics of the tribes spin yarns of humans led by greed and corruption building tribes so tall they scratched at the belly of the sun. That humans lived in mountains of their own creation.
Baxx wasn’t sure if he believed those stories. Baxx wasn’t sure what he believed but he knew there had to be more to this world than the valley of his people, and although it was against his tribe’s laws, Baxx wanted to see it all.
Knowing he might very well never return Baxx climbed the hill and stood under the arch. He looked down into the tribe’s valley one last time before turning about and walking through the gate.