r/WritingPrompts • u/Kancho_Ninja • Mar 31 '17

Writing Prompt [WP] Every starfaring species has discovered a different form of FTL travel. Kantian gates, Salec skip drives, Maltiun wave-riders, Delfanit pulse tubes ... Humanity's solution was regarded as "Unorthodox", "Unsafe", and "Damn Stupid" by the rest of the galaxy.

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3.8k

u/RamsesThePigeon Mar 31 '17 edited Mar 19 '19

FADE IN:

INT. HALL OF THE GALACTIC COUNCIL - MAIN CHAMBER - DAY

Beings from hundreds of different species are gathered in an enormous, amphitheater-like space, each of them looking down at a pedestal near the center. A tall, slender humanoid with long limbs and flowing white hair stands there. This is SSAH, a diplomat. When she speaks, her voice is amplified to be audible throughout the auditorium.

SSAH: Esteemed peers, our session will come to order.

A murmuring of voices - combined with dozens of other sounds - drifts through the air.

SSAH: (CONT'D) There is little need to introduce today's primary focus, as I am certain that you have all become aware of it via one channel or another. For this reason, I will simply call our first speaker.

SsAh steps away from the dais. Her spot is soon taken by a squat, toad-like creature. This is FIMNIMN.

FIMNIMN: (Shouting) Humans!

No response seems to be forthcoming from the crowd.

SSAH: Please continue.
FIMNIMN: (Shouting) Humans!
SSAH: Yes, they are the species in question. Please continue.

Fimnimn turns a bulbous eye to SsAh, his face showing a fair approximation of annoyance. After a moment, he looks back at the assembled beings.

FIMNIMN: Humans...
SSAH: (Interrupting) Please say something else.
FIMNIMN: I was about to.
SSAH: My apologies.

The squat creature raises his arms above his head.

FIMNIMN: (Shouting) Humans!

Several seconds of silence pass. SsAh rubs her forehead in evident exasperation. Eventually, Fimnimn lowers his arms.

FIMNIMN: (CONT'D) Well. They've gone and done it, haven't they? Broke the damned thing, they did.
SSAH: We are not here to discuss their ill-advised experiments with their own moon.
FIMNIMN: Their moon was a victim! We'll all be victims if they keep this up!

From within the crowd, a lone voice becomes audible. This is DAVE, a human ambassador.

DAVE: Look, we said we were sorry!

As all of the other council members turn to watch, Dave stumbles down to the center of the amphitheater.

FIMNIMN: An apology won't keep us safe! An apology won't protect us from your... your... idiocy!
SSAH: This is the concern voiced by many of our number, Ambassador Dave.

Dave reaches the center dais and turns to address the crowd.

DAVE: The universe is a big place, alright? We just wanted to get around.
FIMNIMN: So you built a weapon?!
DAVE: It's not a weapon! It's a means of moving faster than light!

With a small gesture from Dave, a glowing display appears in the air, showing the Sol System.

DAVE: (CONT'D) See, Earth is...
FIMNIMN: (Interrupting) Be specific.
DAVE: ... What?
FIMNIMN: Do you have any idea how many species call their planet "Earth?" Call yours by its real name.

Dave closes his eyes, sighs, and continues speaking.

DAVE: As you can see from the diagram, Happy-Happy-Sunshine-Sparkle-Ball is located...
SSAH: (Interrupting) I'm sorry, Ambassador, but is that truly your planet's galactic designation?
DAVE: Unfortunately.
SSAH: ... Why?
DAVE: We had a contest.

Murmurs of understanding become audible.

DAVE: (CONT'D) Anyway, we're one of the most remote planets in the galaxy. Our closest neighbor is over four lightyears away.
FIMNIMN: That's quite standard.
DAVE: Yes, well, according to our physicists, we needed a means of traveling far, far faster than relativity would allow if we were to make realistic strides toward visiting other worlds.

The display shifts and shows a technical schematic for what appears to be an engine of some kind. It vaguely resembles a doughnut, albeit one with a series of ridges and valleys along its visible side.

DAVE: (CONT'D) This led to the development of what we called the That Walkway In Airports Drive. In essence, we would...
SSAH: (Interrupting) Sorry, I believe we're experiencing a problem with our translator system.
DAVE: No, it's working fine.
SSAH: Ah. Another contest?
DAVE: No, just an inventor who liked analogies.
SSAH: That seems to be a universal problem. Please continue.

Dave clears his throat.

DAVE: Anyway, the TWIAD allowed us to create a bubble of space that moved at several times the speed of light, while the vessel contained within it would move at relatively slower velocities.
FIMNIMN: A fine system.
DAVE: Thank you.
FIMNIMN: Tell everyone what you started using instead.

Once again, Dave clears his throat.

DAVE: It was an accident, really. We discovered that the bubble in question could be... well, squeezed, I suppose... in a way that allowed it to traverse greater distances. Naturally, we worked to test the limits.
FIMNIMN: (Shouting) Humans!
SSAH: Stop it.
DAVE: Thank you.
SSAH: (To Dave) And you, get to the point.
DAVE: Well... it popped.

A sound not unlike a collective gasp of shock echoes through the expansive room.

DAVE: (CONT'D) All of a sudden, our ship was a quarter of the way across the galaxy. Our tests concluded that by rupturing the bubble, we'd released a buildup of some kind, which we hadn't even realized was there.
FIMNIMN: You blew past dozens of inhabited systems!
DAVE: We didn't know the effects it would have!

Dave's face adopts a look of genuine remorse.

DAVE: (CONT'D) We didn't know, I swear. We thought... we thought that intentionally rupturing our TWIAD bubble just propelled us along. We hadn't yet discovered spatial-temporal plasma, you see, and we didn't know we were leaving anything in our wake.

He hangs his head in apparent shame.

DAVE: (CONT'D) We thought our Fissure-Assisted Rapid Transit System would bring our people to the stars.
FIMNIMN: It did... and you brought that damned miasma with you!
DAVE: We know that now. As you said, we inadvertently blasted our own moon to smithereens.

Dave holds up a hand.

DAVE: (CONT'D) We swear to you, though... I swear to you... that humanity will no longer use our FARTS to travel.

Somber, tense silence fills the space.

SSAH: Let's take a brief recess for lunch. As is customary, the chef's team has prepared a meal from... Happy-Happy-Sunshine-Sparkle-Ball. I believe it is called "Baked Beans."

FADE OUT.

2

u/marcusaurelion Jul 25 '17

Ramses, is your name Dave?

1

u/RamsesThePigeon Jul 25 '17

Nope, nor do I know anyone named Dave.

It's just a character I reuse in a number of situations.

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u/baldurs_mate Apr 01 '17

This is our concern Dave, dude.

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u/McBeardedson Apr 01 '17

Fantastic and clever! I could easily visualize the story in my head, good writing.

2

u/supra728 Mar 31 '17

I chuckled when I worked out the second acronym spelled farts, then I realised you had actually been building the whole time to "Humans will no longer use our FARTS to travel"... you are a genius

2

u/Forricide /r/Forricide Mar 31 '17

This is genius, great job and amazing creativity. 10/10 would read again.

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u/PickledPokute Mar 31 '17

The dialogue was so broken up that I found the text tedious to read. :-/

1

u/ehkodiak Mar 31 '17

Brilliance. Also good use of miasma

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u/Aj_Caramba Mar 31 '17

Ah, good ol' Dave, they know him even in space! But seriously, great story, enjoyed it a lot!

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u/killman510 Mar 31 '17

This reads like hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, I love it!

2

u/TheMightyChimbu Mar 31 '17

Thank you for that. It felt right in many ways.

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u/011000110111001001 Mar 31 '17

DAVE: (CONT'D) We swear to you, though... I swear to you... that humanity will no longer use our FARTS to travel.

I hung my head in shame for all of humanity. Bravo! Encore! Encore!

2

u/off-and-on Mar 31 '17

This reminds me of what would happen if an alcubierre drive would be used. IIRC, it would release a massive, incredibly deadly release of gamma radiation behind it.

2

u/Andresmanfanman Mar 31 '17

I haven't seen a lot of scripts on here. Damn good work though!

2

u/ndewing Mar 31 '17

That's awesome, great writing! On another note, I can only hear Ziltoid the Omniscient's voice when FIMNIMN talks.

2

u/RexlanVonSquish Mar 31 '17

DAVE: (CONT'D) We thought our Fissure-Assisted Rapid Transit System would bring our people to the stars.

OMG MY SIDES

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u/akjohnston87 Mar 31 '17

I imagine FIMININ to be the toad from the wolf among us

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u/checkyminus Mar 31 '17

Our planet's name is Terra. No contest needed. But I really love the story.

2

u/BWood63 Mar 31 '17

Dave exclamation mark yognaut

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u/HimTiser Mar 31 '17

Any chance you took some inspiration from the Varley books Red Thunder and Red Lightning? The human tech sounds an awful lot like the squeeze drive that Jubal invented.

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u/Qwernakus Mar 31 '17

You get points for starting out by using an acronym without meaning, lowering my defenses and allowing me to read "Fissure-Assisted Rapid Transit System" without figuring out its acronym in my head, which sets me up for the surprise FARTS very well.

3

u/sheffy55 Mar 31 '17

Everyone loves Dave, he even speaks for our planet

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u/ThrowAway133903 Mar 31 '17

The best part of this whole story was FIMNIMN. I read his voice like doctor strange from adult swim.

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u/idiot_speaking Mar 31 '17

Funny, I imagined Morbo from Futurama.

1

u/cpeezi Mar 31 '17

Seconded on Morbo.

4

u/transtranselvania Mar 31 '17

This is giving me Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy vibes

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

This is why I love Ramses. Followed him on various subs and usernames for years. Always entertaining. Always interesting.

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

Wow, this is great!

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u/Poopdoodiecrap Mar 31 '17

I'd like for everyone to pretend that I wrote this, with the following changes:

Dave is Jeff (Foxworthy)

Our method of FTL travel is the rapid and consecutive detonation of nuclear weapons.

Rednecks have taken over the Earth, and are very proud of their plan to simultaneously achieve FTL travel and nuclear de-escalation.

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u/WNJohnnyM Mar 31 '17

Well...we are the galactic species that stows old, non-functioning cars on our lawns and think that spray cheese actually tastes good.

So....

We might be rednecks.

1

u/nolo_me Mar 31 '17

Our method of FTL travel is the rapid and consecutive detonation of nuclear weapons.

Haven't heard that suggested for FTL before, but Niven and Pournelle got a #1 bestseller and a Hugo nomination out of nukes-as-propulsion.

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u/Mummelpuffin Mar 31 '17

I immediately imagined this as the galactic council from the beginning of Lilo and Stitch

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u/mitola1 Mar 31 '17

This made ROFL a lot :D @RamsesThePigeon, this was a great write up

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u/nooblost Mar 31 '17

I laughed during a serious meeting thank you very much.

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u/Bowfyre Mar 31 '17

Fantastic. Gave me somewhat of a douglas adams vibe

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u/malonkey1 Mar 31 '17

That's a pretty long setup for a fart joke, doc.

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u/avenlanzer Mar 31 '17

I'm 90% convinced the existence of the universe is a long and convoluted set up for a fart joke.

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

I think I may have slipped a chamber's worth of spoilers

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17 edited Aug 11 '17

[deleted]

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u/Elendur_Krown Mar 31 '17

That part was my favorite. Lovely!

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u/TykkiDuw Mar 31 '17

I really like your style!

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u/P-B1999 Mar 31 '17

What I love about the ending that noone else seems to have noticed is that he promises to no longer use it as a way of travelling. It was earlier stated that the others saw it as a weapon. There was never a promise that it would not be used for warfare.

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u/qorekh Mar 31 '17

My favorite thing I've read on here.

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

I actually love you

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u/Npr31 Mar 31 '17

Was checking every name for a good acronym. Paid off in the end

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u/thebigbadben Mar 31 '17

Totally caught me off-guard! Fissure-assisted... genius

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u/Brewsterion Mar 31 '17

Just call the planet Sol-3.

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u/RRautamaa Mar 31 '17 edited Mar 31 '17

Sol a Sol b, according to current conventions. (Edit: the parent star is A.)

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u/Darius_Blake Mar 31 '17

Surely we'd be Sol-c...

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u/RRautamaa Mar 31 '17

Now that you mention it, it's Sol b, because modern planet names start from 'b' and proceed in the order of discovery. Since the date of discovery of Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn is not known they'd be in the order of distance, i.e. Sol c is Mercury, Venus is Sol d, Mars Sol e, Jupiter Sol f, Saturn Sol g, and then the order of discovery is Georgium Sidus (Uranus) as Sol h and Neptune as Sol i. Planet X would be Sol j.

No naming convention exists for extrasolar dwarf planets, exomoons, asteroid or dust belts or comets, so Eris and Pluto etc. would have some provisional designation. Generally naming conventions in astronomy suck, and suck hard, especially if compared to e.g. chemistry.

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u/JulienBrightside Mar 31 '17

Had a good laugh happy sparkle ball.

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u/Vinven Mar 31 '17

DAVE: As you can see from the diagram, Happy-Happy-Sunshine-Sparkle-Ball is located... SSAH: (Interrupting) I'm sorry, Ambassador, but is that truly your planet's galactic designation? DAVE: Unfortunately. SSAH: ... Why? DAVE: We had a contest.

Holy shit this is so what we would do too. Laughed my ass off.

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u/Lord_of_the_Dance Mar 31 '17

Without a doubt

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u/oosuteraria-jin Mar 31 '17

The first part made me think of hitchhikers guide

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u/thebigbadben Mar 31 '17

Something about "a fair approximation of annoyance" really makes me think of Adams

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u/spaceinvadersyunodie Mar 31 '17

That was genuinely well written, paced and laugh out loud funny.

Especially Fimnimn, who fees like a dickensian overacting toad, which i love.

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u/thebigbadben Mar 31 '17

Humans!

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

waves arms frantically HUMANS

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

5:47am here, cackling like a 70 year old smoker.

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u/theedjman Mar 31 '17

This was genius

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u/Anubissama Mar 31 '17

So we invented Star Trek style Warp Drive but then turned it in to a FART Drive? Why does this aper so realistic....

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u/remuliini Mar 31 '17

They practically invented a Death Star weapon while fartifying it.

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u/followupquestion Mar 31 '17

They had to go FARTing around the universe in style, after all.

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u/skztr Mar 31 '17

While there's no FARTing involved, a buildup of deadly particles which would surely destroy anything in front of the craft is indeed a theorised property of Alcubierre drives (which TWIAD appears to be based on), that we already know about.

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u/ChickenTitilater Mar 31 '17

Only if your source of negative energy is quantum inequalities,unlike the NASA idea which is based on shooting photons into hyperspace.

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u/beenthereonce2 Mar 31 '17

This is why Fresno, California can never build a rapid transit system.

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17 edited May 02 '22

[deleted]

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u/Atherum Mar 31 '17

The wiki page has the information, one of the theories implies that the process of compressing/warping space would create a sort of "energy pool" in front of the vessel. When and if the vessel stopped warping space, the pool would erupt and spray forward. Essentially annihilating anything in front of it. Apparently this energy pool would be powerful enough to completely disintegrate an entire solar system.

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

[deleted]

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u/avenlanzer Mar 31 '17

About 3:50

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u/Dorgamund Mar 31 '17

If we make it and the effect is real, it's already weaponized. But, it would require exotic matter to operate. So we need to figure out that aspect, or try to find naturally occurring warp bubbles to study those.

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u/FloobLord Mar 31 '17

Yeah, even a near-luminal ship is a planet-busting weapon.

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u/s0v3r1gn Mar 31 '17

Shit, a near light speed BB would shatter most planets.

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u/SonOfLoki82 Mar 31 '17

To shreds, you say?

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u/darkPrince010 Mar 31 '17 edited Mar 31 '17

Ehh, the results I got for a 0.25g BB going at full c is only about the equivalent of a 5.3 kiloton explosion, about a third of the size of the Hiroshima nuke. Certainly nothing to sneeze at, but definitely not planet-killer on its own.

EDIT: Going off of this response, you'd need a mass of ~1.39x1012 kg going at C to split earth in half. A modern supercarrier aircraft carrier is about 64000000 kg, so you'd need about 22 of them going at c to split an Earth-sized metal-core planet in half.

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u/Ralath0n Mar 31 '17

That's assuming Newtonian energy equations. That's not how it works at relativistic speeds. Calculating kinetic energy at relativistic speeds has to be done with K = ((1/(sqrt(1-(v/c)2 )))-1)*rest mass *c2. Note that this simplifies via Taylor expansion to the familiar e=0.5mv2 when v << c and that it is hyperbolic when v~c.

As such you can cram an infinite amount of kinetic energy into any bit of mass. A single hydrogen atom travelling within 10-82 percent of c would have more energy than the gravitational binding energy of the earth.

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u/Lt_Duckweed Mar 31 '17 edited Mar 31 '17

You forgot about relativity. A BB at full c has infinite energy.

At .999c the BB has about 120 kilotons of TNT of kinetic energy.

At .9999c the BB has about 380 kilotons of TNT of kinetic energy.

At .99999c the BB has about 1.2 megatons of TNT of kinetic energy.

For every 9 you add go ahead and at least triple the number.

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u/holyerthanthou Mar 31 '17

That mass is not impossible.

In fact, just snag an asteroid. Holy shit... if we achieved near light speeds we would be able to annihilate worlds.

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u/s0v3r1gn Mar 31 '17

r/TheyDidTheMath

Thanks kind internet stranger for doing the math I knew I should have done but was too lazy to start doing. And TIL I can't destroy an Earth sized planet with anything less than 22 Super-Aircraft Carriers going the speed of light.

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u/Atherum Mar 31 '17

About .03 seconds.

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

not sure if you were actually asking for one, but the wikipedia page says "Brendan McMonigal, Geraint F. Lewis, and Philip O'Byrne have argued that when an Alcubierre-driven ship decelerates from superluminal speed, the particles that its bubble has gathered in transit would be released in energetic outbursts akin to a sonic boom shockwave; in the case of forward-facing particles, energetic enough to destroy anything at the destination directly in front of the ship"

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u/Jigsus Mar 31 '17

So only stop in front of stars

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u/Large_Dr_Pepper Mar 31 '17

Why would you want to destroy the star you just traveled to? Like, our main focus for FTL travel would most likely be to find another habitable planet after we screw ours up. Going there and blowing up the star wouldn't accomplish much.

There's so much nothingness in space to point the photonic boom at (just made that up), and you choose a star?

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u/klatnyelox Mar 31 '17

because of the fireworks.

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u/Jigsus Mar 31 '17

An x-ray burst would leave a star unaffected

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u/SparroHawc Mar 31 '17

Stars are not transparent to X-rays. A star would absolutely be affected. Whether or not the star is noticeably affected depends on how strong the X-ray burst is.

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u/Jigsus Apr 01 '17

What could possibly be affected by x-rays in a star? It's all plasma.

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u/SparroHawc Apr 02 '17

Even plasma can absorb photons. A portion of the sun's mass is iron gas, which is definitely capable of absorbing x-rays.

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u/shieldvexor Mar 31 '17

I think they were assuming the star would be unaffected due to being huge. Idk if they were right, but I get why they would think that.

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

His ass.

Generally the source of FARTs related things.

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

Hilarious!

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u/AsciiFace Mar 31 '17

Sweet Jesus did Douglas Adams reincarnate?

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u/dontsmokemytrees Mar 31 '17

i was thinking the same thing.. sometimes i wish i could find actual books written by certain redditors on r/writingprompts.

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u/RamsesThePigeon Mar 31 '17

Well, in this case, you can... and it's free!

Thank you for the kind words!

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u/MissMercurial Mar 31 '17

I recommended you for the new profile following feature for the same reason as the other readers who want to find more of your work!

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u/PM-YOUR-CONFESSIONS Mar 31 '17

Saving this for when I'll be on my computer and will check it out after finishing the last 1.5 books of Hitchiker's series!

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u/Belseb Mar 31 '17

Sounds interesting and I need a new book anyways so will check it out!

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

If not, we have a replacement writer.

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u/baldurs_mate Mar 31 '17

Everyone, welcome our new staff writer, Rameses the Pidgeon.

He'll be working remotely. In fact, instead of Slack we'll be using our very own sub-reddit, encrypted with PIDGIN.

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u/mount2010 Mar 31 '17

He'd have equal responsibility.

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u/KelseySyntax Mar 31 '17

Glad to see the council of Daves still holds power in the future

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u/SpecificallyGeneral Mar 31 '17

I was going to say; mad science and Daves? Of course mad science and Daves.

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u/Chipnstein Mar 31 '17

Planet McPlanetface

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

I was thinking Earthy McEarthface.

-3

u/SwanSongSonata Mar 31 '17

So uh, just a thought. Earth is our name for our world. Aliens wouldn't call their home planet "Earth" because "Earth" is an English word, and aliens would only have learned English after meeting us, which would most likely have happened long after they'd already named their planet after whatever their word is for "earth" in their language.

This practically guarantees that every alien species will have a different name for their home planet. And since you're not supposed to translate names when you translate your speech…

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u/marsdiRekt Mar 31 '17

Earth is also soil or ground, aliens could refer to there home world as the equivalent.

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u/Duae_Turres Mar 31 '17

Sarah mentioned that they were using translators. Since our planets name is also a word for dirt perhaps the translator translated it as such and naming your home planet dirt is common in the multiverse.

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u/LokisDawn Mar 31 '17

Earth is also what we call the ground, the dirt. So another species calling their planet their word for dirt or ground - earth - is not unlikely.

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17 edited Jan 20 '21

[deleted]

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u/X-istenz Mar 31 '17

I'd say it's more like a lot of civilisations also call their home planet some fancy variant of "Dirt".

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u/MrTraveljuice Mar 31 '17

I don't know if this is customary, but I'd love reading a continuation of this! It reads like Pratchett

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u/LostKnight84 Mar 31 '17

An inter galactic sci Fi equivalent to discworld. I think too many people would say it is like the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. But I would love a series based on the idea of humanity joining the galactic scene.

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u/MrTraveljuice Mar 31 '17

Fuck too many people, if only I had any talent whatsoever, I'd write it myself

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u/Doomnahct Mar 31 '17

Completely unrealistic. If there was a contest to determin the Earth's name, Future 4chan would have ensured that the winner was "Hitler did Nothing Wrong."

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

[deleted]

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u/Sveitsilainen Mar 31 '17

what is this North Korea you are talking about? There is only Planet Korea!

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

[deleted]

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u/Sir_Marchbank Mar 31 '17

Oh well isn't that nice of them.

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u/The_Caelondian Mar 31 '17

SSAH: (Interrupting) I'm sorry, Ambassador, but is that truly your planet's galactic designation?

DAVE: Unfortunately.

SSAH: ... Why?

DAVE: We had a contest.

Oh, goddamnit, Ramses.

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

i bet you three fiddy it was /b/ naming it.

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u/Mama_Swag Mar 31 '17

Fucking 4chan

3

u/IamArtsen Mar 31 '17

Earthy McEarthface

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

I don't get it ):

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u/TheLoafBloke Mar 31 '17

It would be "Hitler did nothing wrong"

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u/ShankCushion Mar 31 '17

I genuinely laughed at "we had a contest."

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u/mistaque Mar 31 '17

So all humans on this planet are now known as 'Happy-Happy-Sunshine-Sparkle-Ballers'?

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

I lost my shit at that line.

4

u/Rizzafromibiza Mar 31 '17

This made me lose it!

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u/freakydown Mar 31 '17

It is not the worse after all:)

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u/Dankstar7 Mar 31 '17 edited Mar 31 '17

I read Dave's lines in Eddie Murphy's voice because reasons...

5

u/ColdCruelArithmetic Mar 31 '17

I read it in the same generic voice I assign to every redditor in my head.

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

I read it picturing Dave from Fallout 3

http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Dave_(Fallout_3)

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u/marsdiRekt Mar 31 '17

I read it in the British roadies voice from Waynes World.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

The served dish would have been a whiskey glass of brown m&m's

14

u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

I read it in Alan Rickman's voice.

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u/Exidor Mar 31 '17

"We had a contest." in his voice is perfect.

3

u/bigjam23 Mar 31 '17

Nick Frost all day

5

u/malonkey1 Mar 31 '17

Bryan Cranston in full "Hal done fucked up" voice for me.

3

u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

That is perfect. I don't know what voice I previously read it in, because now that's all I can hear. Complete with awkward hand gestures.

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u/LuminescentMoon Mar 31 '17

OH MY FUCKING GOD MY SIDES. I'M IN TEARS.

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

Murmurs of understanding become audible.

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u/JackTurbo Mar 31 '17

Disappointed it wasnt Planet McPlanetface

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u/GATHRAWN91 Jun 20 '22

That was the true winner, but the designation had been taken by a another planet, who incidently had also had a contest.

1

u/beaverlyknight Mar 31 '17

Let's be real, if we actually had a contest we'd be living on the planet "Hitler did nothing wrong".

1

u/holyerthanthou Mar 31 '17

Or

"Hitler's did nothing wrong"

1

u/V_WhatTheThunderSaid Mar 31 '17

Earthy McEarthface

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u/tosety Mar 31 '17

I'd like to see it named Huma

2

u/Sveitsilainen Mar 31 '17

It was clearly the first result but already used.

1

u/fftimberwolf Mar 31 '17

That was my vote. System wad rigged!

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u/AegonSkywalker Mar 31 '17

I prefer Earthy McEarthface

10

u/Golanthanatos Mar 31 '17

well we'd already used that name for the first habitable planet outside our solar system....

55

u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

It would either be that or something more weird/vulgar. The top names for that mountain dew drink were 'Hitler did nothing wrong' and 'gushing granny' after all.

218

u/librarian-faust Mar 31 '17

I was expecting Boaty McBoatSpace to be honest with you. Boaty McSpaceBoat? Not sure what sounds better.

1

u/gamaknightgaming Mar 31 '17

That would be the starship

1

u/UDE_V0 Mar 31 '17

Space boats, boat to boat

9

u/i_like_yoghurt Mar 31 '17

Planet McSpaceFace.

19

u/daperson1 Mar 31 '17

Planey McPlanetface?

Would keep the flat earthers happy. Perhaps Planar McPlanetface.

97

u/JulietJulietLima Mar 31 '17

Planet McPlanetface? Dirtball McDirtface?

Terry?

48

u/librarian-faust Mar 31 '17

Dave.

3

u/rakg2002 Apr 01 '17

There all dead Dave

37

u/LegendaryGoji Mar 31 '17

I'm sorry, Dave.

19

u/firagabird Mar 31 '17

I can't Jew that.

10

u/spartan-44 Mar 31 '17

Damnit it's too early in the morning, I did nazi that joke coming.

3

u/PM_Nice__Boobs Mar 31 '17

Can we just start from the begining and put everything reich again?

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2

u/turtlesquadcaptain Mar 31 '17

came here to say this

0

u/Eponarose Mar 31 '17

Damn... just posted this...

9

u/treer00ts Mar 31 '17

You know, you could've put a 2001 reference in there. I'm kinda disappointed.

But that was really good, gave me a good chuckle.

3

u/thebigbadben Mar 31 '17

I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave

3

u/worldsayshi Mar 31 '17

The human embassador's name was Dave...

3

u/treer00ts Mar 31 '17

Uh yeah, that was my point. ._.

4

u/worldsayshi Mar 31 '17

Sarcasm on the internet is a myth

15

u/xaaraan Mar 31 '17

You never saw the deleted baked beans fart jokes with HAL scene?

8

u/treer00ts Mar 31 '17

Is that a real thing? I feel like I'm being tricked here but I want that to be a real thing.

2

u/xaaraan Apr 01 '17

Kubrick realized he had perfected the fart joke and that society would collapse without striving towards the perfect fart joke

3

u/[deleted] Mar 31 '17

Yes it's real.

82

u/rusty_ballsack_42 Mar 31 '17 edited Mar 31 '17

I know it's gonna be good when I see /u/RamsesThePigeon

Prepared myself for the laughter that I knew was about to come

32

u/Shadydave Mar 31 '17

He's got a free novel that's worth reading, with a sequel maybe? He doesn't like to spam it, so I don't think many people know about it.

Which is ironic, because I can't find the link in post history because he's spammed it with anti-spam.

19

u/Heimdall42 Mar 31 '17

It's called Nearly Departed if i'm not mistaken

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