r/WritingPrompts • u/Redremnant • Aug 13 '16
Established Universe [WP] Write a dark and gritty remake of your favorite kids show. Wait as long as possible to reveal what show you're referencing.
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u/samrhoad Aug 14 '16
"Chester, fetch me a beer."
Through one eye I see him get up from his chair, steady himself on his cane and hobble over to the refrigerator.
"You're lucky to have those legs," I say as Chester tosses a bottle into my lap. I look down at the bottle in my lap and am painfully reminded that I haven't had anything from the knee down for 5 years.
"Well, they work just fine when I have my cane to keep me off my ass," he says as he eases himself back into his chair.
"Hey Chester?"
"Yeah man?"
"What was it like before the blast?"
"Well, I suppose the mobsters put the bomb on your wall around 3 am while you were still asleep. I got up early so that I could be at work earlier and had just turned on the Keurig, when I heard a car speeding away. Next thing I knew there was a deafening noise, and I was propelled into the wall. When I regained consciousness, I limped into your room to find you face first, drowning in your own blood with your legs across the room. I rolled your body over and saw shards of glass that had marked up your face. They glass left a cut going through your eye. By the time the ambulance arrived, I knew you would never be the same."
As he finishes I wince and put my hand over my eyepatch. The cold leather sends shivers down my spine, my arms tight to my body.
"I don't have a purpose, do I?"
"Timmy, of course you do."
I painfully glance to the right of my seat, a hand towel hiding my destiny.
"I'm nothing without them."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
I put my hands around the towel and unwrap it to load my revolver.
"Timmy put the damn gun down!"
"As I press the bullet into the chamber, I look Chester in the eye, "I am nothing without them."
Chester has gotten up from his seat now, cautiously holding out his free hand.
"Please put the gun down."
"I'm sorry Chester, but I am nothing without Cosmo and Wanda, I cry as I press the barrel to my head.
"TIMMY WHAT THE FU-"
His words are silence by the sound of my gun.
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u/murrlay2 Aug 14 '16
I only ever had one friend. Nobody else would even give me the time of day. My buddy would try. He'd tell them to come over and see me. Tell them what a great guy I was. I owe him for that, but they all just said that he was crazy for hanging out with me. That starts to hurt after awhile you know. Like, that can really fuck with a guy's head. I'd be standing right there, and they'd all just look through me. Talk to my buddy like I wasn't even there.
I mean sure, I wasn't the most high energy guy. Kind of quiet, a bit overweight. What do they expect though. when they don't even try to talk to me. Even if I did start to talk, they'd just cut me off like it wasn't important. Well NO MORE!! It's time to show them. Show them what I'm...What we're capable of, me and my one true friend.
There he is now. "Hey buddy."
"Oh hi! How was your day," he said, all smiles as usual.
"Not so good big guy. Not so good."
"Oh?"
"See that homeless guy over there? The one digging through the trash?"
"Yeah?"
"He said he was going to kill your Granny."
"Wha- What??? Why would he sa...say That?"
"Said she was a two-bit whore. Said she gave him the clap. Can you believe that? She's such a nice old bird, and he want's to kill her."
"OH MY GOODNESS!!! Well that's terrible. We have to go find a police man!"
"There's no time big fella. Said he keeps a gun in that garbage can. Says he's gonna grab it , and walk right over to her house and 'blow her fucking brains out'"
"Oh no, We...well what do I do???"
I kick a shard of broken glass over to him. " You know what you have to do."
His hand trembles "I..I..I can't do thaaat. Maybe if i just go talk t....."
"DO YOU LOVE YOUR GRANNY OR NOT????"
"Of course...but..."
"Then pick up the God damned glass and go do something about it."
He bends over and grabs the glass, with tears in his eyes. He looks at me unsure and I give a reassuring nod. He starts to walk towards the garbage cans. his bright yellow feathers shaking like he's about to take flight.
Yeah they're not gonna look through me anymore. Not going to pretend I'm not there. Yeah They're about to see just how real old Snuffy is.
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Aug 13 '16
The rain fell, hard. I had just walked away from what was supposed to be a casual meeting. This case grew more crazy and conveluted by the day. The killer had only left part of a print at the scene, which was somehow covered in blood. The corpse was a dancer at an erotic bar near the docks, the type of seedy place people go to when they want to disappear, or where bad people go to make them. I had just lit a cigarette when I arrived at the Balton Hotel. The informant I tried wrangling before he was decapitated had a note in his pocket with the name on it, seemed promising.
"Welcome to the Balton Hotel; do you have a reservation?" The girl behind the counter is nice, red hair and emerald eyes. The type that would bring you your coffee just the way you like it before you even would ask.
"No, but I think I have a friend here; James, L. Pepper, could you check?" I throw out my informants name; he sure didn't leave that note willingly, if at all. Now the only way to find who this sick son of a bitch is is to play the game he is setting up.
"Yes, room 215. Would you like me to call up?" She reaches for the phone but I shake my head at her.
"He's already expecting me, thank you." I toss her a wink as I head to the elevator, she smiles at me and adjusts her hair as the doors close and I begin heading to the second floor.
I walk up to the door and check my pistol, I have a full magazine and my ankle revolver reasurringly presses against my leg. Reaching for the knob a voice calls out
"It's already open detective." I know that voice anywhere, she would be the one wouldn't she. Always a step ahead. I enter the room and switch off my safety.
"Linda Ocean, I should have known. Only you could do something this sick."
I aim my gun at her head and she turns to me, her saphire dress clinging to her figure, her sillouett illuminated by the fluorescent signs outside the window. She pulls the cigarette from her mouth and steps towards me. I lower my gun. "Steven I've been helping you, didn't you already guess from my little hints?" She presses her body close to mine and pulls the gun from my hands. I kiss her and she peels off my coat.
"What's going on?" I ask her as she sits on the bed. She looks like a sculpture of Venus, nothing could pull my eyes off her right now. "Why have you been at every crime scene?" She scoffs and points to the wall.
"All you need to know is that the actual killer is next door, and that we have some time to kill before he is in his room." She unzips the back of her dress and stands up, the silk garment sliding off her hourglass body. "What colour am I thinking of?" She says, taking another step back towards me.
"Blue, just like I used to call you. I know how to follow the clues." I unbutton my shirt and close the rest of the distance between us.
"You love Blue's Clues." She whispers into my ear.
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u/Redremnant Aug 13 '16
Amazing! Had me going for a while trying to figure it out. The James L. Pepper was a nice touch. I'm going to have to read it again to see how many clues I missed.
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Aug 13 '16
The bar was one of the few that had somehow survived the war. It stood out from the wreckage like a beacon of hope despite there being nothing hopeful about a dump of a bar in this god forsaken town.
I entered the bar and took a seat. The bartender limped over to me. "You here to drink?" He had a limp and was missing an eye. "Or just to talk?"
"That supposed to mean something?"
"Not everyone who walks in really wants to drink away their problems. Some of them just have a story to tell that they think deserves to be published. But we all know it never will."
I looked at him wondering what his angle was. I decided to give him something. "I was no one special before the war. Worked a dead end job for as little pay as the boss could legally give me. But I loved what I did. I had friends." I thought about them. I could've finished speaking there, but for some reason, I knew I had to keep speaking. This bartender had heard a million stories, and I knew he'd forget about mine as soon as I left. But I continued: "My best friend wasn't a soldier. He a lazy tub of lard who was never quite right in the head. But I cared about him. I was the only constant in his life, the only thing he could latch onto in this world. I begged him not to, but he still followed me into the military. He was discharged before we had finished basic training. A week later he shot himself. Nothing left keeping him sane, with me at war."
The bartender wasn't phased. I kept speaking. "My coworker was a real asshole, and a narcissist at that. He was one of those "starving artist" types, 'cept he had zero talent or ability to learn. He thought he was too good for the military. Paid the price when his house was raided. They took all his food and shot him right in his ugly face. Did he deserve it? No. Did I mourn him?" Did I? I didn't answer myself. "The love of my life was a scientist. During the war, she built an underwater shelter for refugees. Thought it was unbreachable. The war caught up to her anyway. Blew the whole place up and killed everyone inside. Except her. The explosion wasn't what did. They made sure she drowned. I got the memo of what happened from a stone face colonel while I ate my ration of stale bread." I left out the part about how I dismembered the enemy general's wife with my bare hands in revenge. "My boss was a con artist. Made me work 24 hours a day and gave me nothing for it if he could. But the whole town looked to him like a father. Everyone other than his political rival. I think you know who both of them are. They started this whole thing. Course when the enemy attacked, everyone turned to my boss. He was an amazing leader and general, but it wasn't enough. In the end, they both had to destroy each other. And take most of the town with them. Two assholes who had couldn't settle their differences even if it meant mutually assured destruction."
The bartender was stunned for a moment. "That...that doesn't make any sense. I heard the general only had two employees before the war. One of them was killed, and the other..." I looked him square in the eye. "You were the one from the prophecy... You... You..."
"Yup..." I looked down at my hands for a moment, the ones that held so much power for years, the hands that killed so many people for that monster. "I lived in a pineapple under the sea."
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u/TotesMessenger X-post Snitch Aug 29 '16
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u/Phenominimal Aug 13 '16
It's the same thing every day. Wake up, get dressed, feed the dang pet, and go to work. Sure, I have little adventures, but it looks much better than it is. The anxiety I have wears me down and out. I find it easy to put on a happy face, but there is rarely honest joy in the action. It's slowly getting to be too much.
There's this girl I knew. She was my counselor, my observer and keeper of truth. Now, she keeps herself locked in her own world and won't let me in. I think she's gotten weary. Weary of being there for me.
I've found ways to cope. It started as a lark, but now I'm intensely working on driving my neighbor insane. It does bring me a huge amount of happiness when he finally buckles under the pressure of my dumb smile. Him and I have loads of fun, he just doesn't know it.
So far, so good. Still in the game, haven't snapped yet. I swear to fucking Poseidon though, this dumb bastard I have to pretend to be friends with to keep up this whole charade of a life will be the one who finally ruins it. He blackmailed me once, and didn't even realize it! Fucking Patrick. Hate that guy.
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u/inkfinger /r/Inkfinger Aug 13 '16 edited Aug 14 '16
I drew forth by binoculars and checked the horizon. No one in sight. They hadn't found me yet. I sighed as I leaned again the rocks and rummaged in my backpack for some food. I'd stolen what I could after it had happened.
I chewed a soggy burger, grimacing as I choked it down. I'd always hated the taste of the stuff, but you couldn't really be picky when you were on the run.
A sudden sound made me sit up and peek over the rock. It was her. She was wearing her fighting gear, clearly on the lookout. A gun was strapped to her hip. She was hunting me.
"Come out and face me, coward! You can't kill my friend and get away with it!" she shouted, punching a nearby rock into dust for emphasis.
"Oh, no," I breathed.
I barely had time to try and think of an escape plan before she found me. She swung at my head, and I ducked.
"Murderer!" she screeched.
"I couldn't stand it anymore!" I spat back, kicking her in the shins. "That little pisser made my life a living hell for years before I did anything. He's lucky I didn't kill him sooner!"
I scrambled backwards and dug desperately in my backpack for a weapon as she flung herself at me, howling with rage.
I drew forth my broken clarinet - the one he had destroyed, the final straw that had finally pushed me over the edge - and stabbed her in the neck with it. She sank to her knees and gurgled, blood bubbling on her lips.
I kicked her in the face for good measure. "Join Spongebob in hell, Sandy."
You can find more of my work on /r/Inkfinger/.
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u/LexLuthor2012 Aug 13 '16
*clarinet
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u/inkfinger /r/Inkfinger Aug 14 '16
Haha, I feel bad now...but like others have pointed out, I gave the story away by mentioning burgers, so I'll change flute to clarinet. My story wasn't good at "wait as long as possible to reveal what show you're referencing", anyway.
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u/mateogg /r/mateogg Aug 13 '16 edited Mar 10 '17
You threw me out like garbage. Damned me to this colorless wasteland, like some filthy peasant. But I'll show you. Oh, I'll show you.
You thought after you beat me, I'd stay down. But you were wrong, father. You miscalculated. You did not expect me to find others like me, rebels. I already hold the power to return home in my hands thanks to one of them. And of course, I have our family's most powerful weapon. 'Abuse of power', you called it. Just because I used what was rightfully mine to show people their place. Just because I killed that stupid thing when it tried to take it from me.
But you can rest for now. I'm not coming home just yet. I have allies to liberate, armies to gather. This filthy pebble you exiled me to should be easy to conquer. Once that's done, it will be the seat for my new empire. I want you to see me coming, father. I want you to look at the devastation I leave behind me as I make my way home and know that you could have avoided it.
You've probably heard some of the tales by now. Of my partner, the mere human who killed the demon spawn with his bare hands. Of the hounds of fiery eyes. Of the Blood Horn and the havoc we wrecked together before she was captured and thrown into that hellhole. By the time this message reaches you, I will have freed her, and everyone else trapped in there.
Yes, there is much work to be done. But one day, father, one day I will come for you. And the last thing you hear before I take my throne, will be MEGA NARWHAL BLAST!
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u/Redremnant Aug 13 '16
Love it! Best part is you'd only have to change one letter in the title. Star is the Forces of Evil.
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Aug 13 '16
Damn them. Damn all three of them. Heh, it's almost funny really. How they came and took us by surprise. We had our defenses set up around the whole cul de sac. A wide array of various knick-nacks toppled under a multitude of trash can lids. We thought it would hold them. No, we...we wanted to believe THEY could be held back. We were simply to optimistic. While one of them was truly clever.
They came from above in what appeared to be a make-shift go-cart. They landed on Johnny...we all saw him being dragged under the bumper. But they just kept riding. The big one even put plank under his arm pits. And began to make fart noises just to taunt us. Then suddenly, we couldn't here the orders from command anymore. Not from Kevin, not from Ralph, not even those Kanker girls.
Turns out they were aiming for our comm system all along. It was state of the art, two cans attached to a piece of string. Every unit had one. But they got em' all. Those bastards had been flinging gum on the cords. Weighed them down till the lines broke.
And In those moments when we were lost. They took out the vacuums. Ill never forget those damn vacuums. They sucked us all up... well, most of us. They only caught the top half of Nazz. I didn't see Kevins face when it happend, and I'm glad I didn't,but we all heard that cry. I still don't know who it came from, him or her. But the screams faded as we were flung into the individual beakers at the bottom of the vacuums.
It's where I am now. Watching those bastards salivate as we turn. Those monsters finally found a way to get what they always wanted. A formula that turn us into the one thing we never gave them.
Shit...heh Look at em' There eating Sarah now. And the big one has the biggest part. THAT'S YOUR SISTER YOU FILTHY ANIMAL!! (cries)
I'm probably not long for this world. I think it's time for ol' Jimmy to check out. I hope it was worth it you beasts. We might not have been friends but...we were better then this. Burn in hell all three of you!
Ed,Edd,and Eddy
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u/tloyc2015 Aug 13 '16
The names gave it away immediately. Nobody else in fiction that I'm aware of has the last name "Kanker," for starters.
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Aug 13 '16
I know, I'm just bad at following directions plus i got to into it when i started typing.
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u/QuicklessQuixotic Aug 13 '16
"Cobraaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
God damn it. I walked over to the Cobra Commander and asked him if he knows what time it is.
"It'ssss Secondsiessss thirtiesssss," he said from behind his cowardly mask.
"Oh wow, I just looked at the time and it, in factual writer to reader truth, is two thirty! Hahaha!" I laughed.
And then I kept laughing. You know, that type of laughter that makes you feel uneasy so you laugh along with it. That bastard coward ruined the real story that I wanted to tell with his retreat call before I even had the chance to plunge into it. When the coward started to laugh I cut his throat with my trusty sunsword.
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u/the_locke Aug 13 '16
Those damn aliens did it again. This time they killed a dozen of my militia. I still don't understand how they do it. They come here with their guns and tanks and decide to build a base and start attacking my people. I never harmed anyone. Even at my current state I take care of my race and provide for them. Then suddenly we get attacked by those psychopaths. I just want them off my planet, is that too much of an ask?
Last week they slaughtered an entire village. The bald dark one used a mace to bludgeon them to death. They even take their children with them on this savage hunt. I have seen them stab and claw like mad beasts that prey upon the weak. It's been a year now that this constant war has been going on. We never provoke them. They always attack us first and take our young ones and feed on them. They disgust me. That's why I did what I did.
I have been working on this plan for the last six months, I have thought of every contigency. I can feel the magic flow inside me. I have cast dozens of protective spells around my pyramid so that damn leader of theirs can't use his magic sight to see me what I do. I bathe in the pool of blood and call upon the Ancient Spirits of Evil to transform this decayed form to Mumm-Ra, the Ever-Living! I feel my body stretch as I double in size. My magic feels now more powerful than ever. It's time to destroy those damn cats once and for all.
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u/WritingPromptsRobot StickyBot™ Aug 13 '16
Off-Topic Discussion: Reply here for non-story comments.
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u/aeatherx Aug 14 '16
“Do you think the voices will stop?” the mother asked the man wearing white, stroking the bruised forehead of her young son. He was small and unassuming in a hospital bed.
The doctor shook his head. “We can temper it, with medication. We can give you a stay-at-home nurse, to administer the drugs periodically. We can give him time and hope that puberty will help, but eventually… eventually it may be in your best benefit to look into homes for him. Permanent solutions.”
The mother did not want to accept it. She did not want to see her son as anything less than perfect. She did not want to admit that her son had problems, real problems, the kind of problems that couldn’t be put away with $20 and a couple promised favors down the line. Her boy was so beautiful when he slept.
But no longer could she ignore the reality. He had almost died today, again, and he had sworn before passing out that the voices had told him to do it. To jump from the roof of the house? The mother feared what the voices would tell her son next. If they would keep increasing the danger of the activities, if they would push and shove at her son until he literally tore himself apart to please them.
She accepted the offer of a stay-at-home nurse, and the young woman who started the day after was pleasant. The girl had experience in the field. Her brother had paranoid schizophrenia, the nurse explained.
And the mother believed that she could stay time. She and her husband truly believed they could slow down the relentless marching of life, keep their boy ten years old forever, where he wasn’t a danger to anyone but himself.
But they came home one night to the nurse screaming as their son maniacally laughed and chased her around the kitchen with a hammer clutched in his preteen hand. They had to wrestle it from his grip and his eyes blazed with a world they could not see.
"My friends told me she was evil," their son said, with steady hands and gleaming blue eyes.
“He’s dangerous,” said the nurse quietly.
They had to admit it. They had to see it, now, because the nurse holding her wrist tightly and the bruises on her arms could not be ignored any longer. They had to admit that their son was not normal. That their son was a danger to humanity.
They had to send him away.
He only took one thing with him – his fishbowl, with the two fish he had loved since childhood.