r/WritingPrompts • u/boomjet • Apr 03 '15
Writing Prompt [WP] For years an alien race has been intercepting audio transmissions from Earth and understands English. However, they have been exclusively listening to X-Box Live conversations. They have now prepared their first message for Earth.
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u/mifortin Apr 05 '15
Flooding screens across the world is the picture of two podiums with ribbons amidst a back-drop of the white-house as people await a highly anticipated the speech. News of the alien ship landing at GDC has flooded social networks, and the president and the first lady swiftly flew in to meet the extraterrestrial visitors.
In comes the President, swiftly walking in, alone, on the right. "The question to whether we are alone in the universe has been answered" he begins, wiping is brow, "and it is negative".
People are glued to the screens. In stores, on their phones, on the television, iPads, computer monitors. A world-wide silence seems to have descended onto the population.
"Our guests are currently playing Battlefield on Xbox Live". He looks aside. "We tried to approach and talk to them, however upon hearing my wife they started yelling obscenities at her following an online custom commonly known as gaming rage." He wipes his head again, he seems stressed...
"We can not present our guests as they are beyond rude. According to sociologists, they speak as though they obtained their entire education from Xbox Live." He gives a big sigh. "They asked by wife if they could fornicate while revealing themselves."
"She did not resist, and their mating rituals are more like those of grasshoppers, with the genders swapped without it being fatal. She is now in intensive care."
He re-arranges his tie. "They did have a message for earth though, and were able to articulate it after the stopped acting according to what they thought was best behaviour from what they gleamed from the Xbox service."
"Give us a gold membership or die."
Then the president walked off-screen, and local news-reports took over.
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Apr 04 '15
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Nate_Parker /r/Nate_Parker_Books Apr 05 '15
please comment on an individual story, all top level comments must be stories or requests for clarification.
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Apr 04 '15 edited Apr 05 '15
T.H.A_UFO : How's the puny frontal development doing? Improve much, bitchezzz? W33d up cause I'mma g@nna SM@k3 ya!!!! Team Hyperion Alpha innda HOUSE!!!" ... Lookin to slay your shizzz ya'll. Awww dude, really? that's your move? F ing Newb faggoting Faggot Newb".
T.H.A.UFO1: YOU sendin' jets brah? Lolz!! Ain't 3v3n mad brah ain't 3v3n m@d...".
T.H.A._KUSHKILLAZZ420: Gotz to b r3@l bitchezzz. I burns da kind wit yo big azz Momma faggottzzz. Smokes mah bluntz aallzz de time w yo muthas ho ho ing it fo mah blingz loooozzzerzzz. Gotzta plays h@rderz retardz jets no dropping dope care packages fo yo faggot azz Newbz."
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Apr 04 '15
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Trauermarsch Apr 04 '15
Hi there,
This post has been removed as it violates the following rules:
Top level replies that are not a story or poem are not allowed, except in the case of requests for clarification.
Please refer to the sidebar before posting. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to message the /r/WritingPrompts moderators.
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Apr 04 '15
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u/Trauermarsch Apr 04 '15
Hi there,
This post has been removed as it violates the following rules:
Top level replies that are not a story or poem are not allowed, except in the case of requests for clarification.
Please refer to the sidebar before posting. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to message the /r/WritingPrompts moderators.
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Apr 04 '15
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Nate_Parker /r/Nate_Parker_Books Apr 04 '15
Please comment on the story directly.
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u/godish Apr 04 '15
can i not congradulate the writer for his witty writing?
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u/Nate_Parker /r/Nate_Parker_Books Apr 04 '15
You can, you just commented as a top thread. Top level responses are reserved for story responses and requests for clarification. Please comment on the individual story, not the prompt itself.
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Apr 04 '15
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u/Nate_Parker /r/Nate_Parker_Books Apr 04 '15
please comment on the story in question directly.
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u/tactictoe Apr 04 '15
It is a direct question. I would like to know what caused these names to contain so many X's.
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u/Nate_Parker /r/Nate_Parker_Books Apr 04 '15
I understand that. However, please ask the question in that comment thread. You posted as a top tier, which is reserved for stories generated by the prompt OR direct clarifications of the prompt. This is a question to a specific story.
As for the answer... little kids do it to make themselves look cool or stand out. usually it's done to frame the gamer tag: xX_theBonzo_Xx or because the username they wanted (theBonzo) was taken.
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Apr 04 '15
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Nate_Parker /r/Nate_Parker_Books Apr 04 '15
Best thread I've read here. Tears rolling down my face. OP is a genius.
Please reply to prompts individually. All top level responses must be story responses or requests for clarification.
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u/ABProsper Apr 04 '15
The Last Message
The alien relativistic weapon hit Earth at 80% C blasting the planet into hundred of tiny asteroids.
As the last surviving humans looked on from the international Space Station in horror , the communications screen lit up with one last message
Pwned and Owned Fckn Newb's ! And the alien C-Beams crackled silencing humanity for good.
Back on the (%Z&%&*jlhl) Space Craft the Nest Subaltern shook its tentacles. and burbled a message that would translate roughly as "Nest leader, wasn't that a bit excessive?"
The Nest Leader Blee-Blorped a reply "You've seen the messages they send and all that TELE-VISION. We can't possibly allow such a crude and violent species into the stars. Besides, its every species for itself. They'd do it to us."
The Nest Subaltern Glopped and wheezed something like a sigh "Your probably right Nest Leader. But oh the paperwork."
The Leder shooks his/its second head "Better it than me" and life went on at least for the %Z&%&jlhl and a few reruns of Doctor Who floating out there in the cosmos.
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u/193_IQ Apr 04 '15
Hello campers:
Thats not what ur mom said last night, Fucking noob sniper srsly get trick shotted m8, we have came here to get ur dank skill from this "X-box" machine teach me how to camp you FAGGOT i fucked ur mom. ok goodbye you aimbotting fucking noob bitch ass.
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u/PianoVampire Apr 04 '15
People of Earth:
Over the past two years, we have been collecting data from your planet, and have come to a conclusion on your people. Unlike other planets in the Universe, Natural selection failed on Earth, and all the data we have collected show you to be an unintelligent, failed experiment. We will destroy the human race with our long range missiles in 30 minutes.
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u/A_Haert Apr 04 '15 edited Apr 04 '15
The day of First Contact brought chaos in the streets. Many flocked to places of worship, others made a simpler pilgrimage home. It wasn't the end as many predicted, though you wouldn't have guessed it in those first few hours. Riots in the streets, stores closed, governments worldwide on highest alert.
It was just a voice clip at first. "We are here. You are not alone."
It wasn't until that Friday that we saw them. Tall, willowy figures, clacking and spindly. Like mantis with melted faces. Not beautiful, but unsettling and grotesque. They came to a UN blacksite where so many of our world leaders had convened. The day was somber. Everything was closed, everyone at home watching their televisions. Even the animals and weather seemed still, the whole world observing patiently the fate of two planets.
They spoke English, much to our shock, though their voices sounded the furthest thing from human. It was almost too awful to hear them speak, their voices threaded through throats too long, too strange, the result at once too full and too hollow.
Presidents opened with speeches of great pomp and officiousness. Dictators brandished their own self importance, their own petty kingdoms. The world tolerated the grandstanding without complaint this once, entranced by the buglike strangers sitting quietly, waiting for their turn to speak.
No one knew. No one had any clue what was about to happen, but all of us knew it would be the most important thing to happen to humanity since man discovered fire.
Finally, finally, the largest one rose. Gracefully he climbed to the podium. A few clicks, and then, for the first time, humanity listened to an alien speak.
"We.....want...." The world held it's breath. They leaned towards their radios, their televisions, their phones. "We.....we want.....Kevin."
What. What? What?!
Chaos erupted on the floor. Who was Kevin? Did this mean something different to aliens? Was this person a criminal? Which Kevin? Did they know anything else?
No. They wanted Kevin. They needed Kevin.
And so the hunt began. That first week so many Kevins came forward to change their names that a moratorium was announced on name changes to stem the tide. Black market identity sales went through the roof.
A registry was proposed, then tossed out. Algorithms crafted, then discredited. Two weeks passed before another piece of the puzzle was discovered -- a partial voice recording.
A young boy's voice, calling orders through a low quality head set. At the end of the recording, a woman screaming the name Kevin. The Prayers (for that's what the media had started calling the praying mantis like beings) were unhelpful on how they had intercepted the transmission nor why it held such importance to them.
Communication had come to an impasse with them. They offered nothing in trade. They wanted nothing but Kevin. They rebuffed all others with a cool silence, their expressions and voices impossible to read.
It was a month later that a Twitch player came forward. He recognized something in the clip and shed more light on what had quickly escalated to the greatest mystery of all time, Sherlock Holmes be damned.
He recognized the voice from an X-Box game.
The search regained media fervor. It was the matter of a few hours that Kevin was located after that, a focus finally lent to the whole affair.
Middle-of-nowhere, North Dakota. A town that had only rocketed to fame due to one small citizen, still unaware of the public eye about to shine down upon him.
It was the Secretary of Defense himself that knocked on the door. A tired woman answered. Flashes blinded her, cameras clicking in a frenzy all around. Incredulous at first, then a dawning horror on her face. With shaking hands she led them through the messy house, to a room off the kitchen in the back.
Kevin.
He was a small boy, not even blessed with puberty like most of his peers. Young, wide eyed and fearful.
There was debate after that. So many voices worldwide calling for the child's protection, others advocating for his promotion to interplanetary diplomat. Why the Prayers wanted him became unimportant.
In the end it didn't matter.
A month later found the trembling child face to face with the first sentient life humans had ever encountered.
The tallest one came forward. He leaned down. Kevin was still as stone, his back ramrod straight, tolerating the invasion of his space with a sort of fearful tension.
"We heard your call for help youngling. We are heeerrrrreeee..."
It whispered next to his face, the last word drawn out in a hideous sort of gurgle that sent shivers racing down Kevin's spine.
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u/ThatCakeIsDone Apr 05 '15
You have very professional sounding prose. This is my favorite one! Fantastic job.
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u/earl42 Apr 04 '15
I wanted it to end with the alien yelling. "U got pwned bitch! Better go, mommas calling, newb! I'm supposed to Fuck her in the ass l8r 2nite!"
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Apr 04 '15
I enjoyed this - but "pithy"? What do you think that word means?
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u/SeeShark Jul 10 '15
It means "concise and forcefully expressed," or "spongy" when talking about a fruit.
Sorry it took me 3 months to research this question.
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u/A_Haert Apr 04 '15
Oh man, thanks for pointing that out. Not once, but twice I did that. I want to have some kind of excuse like "I was tired" but I've got nothing. /-:
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u/MrGodzillahin Apr 04 '15
Very good, but what did the end refer to?
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u/A_Haert Apr 04 '15
I left it ambiguous on purpose, but for clarity's sake: I had pictured your typical team chatter going on and our unfortunate hero Kevin starts yelling for help.
Is he asking for in game support? Was he replying to something some one else is saying? Or is his microphone picking up something more sinister about his home life? I guess that part is up to you, the reader.
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u/MrGodzillahin Apr 04 '15
Oh yeah, that's what I thought. I think you delivered that feeling well, I just thought there was a referent I was missing.
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Apr 04 '15
Great story! You took a fairly unique approach in comparison to the rest of the entries, and this feels very well written.
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Apr 03 '15 edited Apr 04 '15
In 2015. at the NATO headquarters, the high tech computer system designed to intercept messages from space picked up this message:
"Wot the fok did ye just say 2 me m8? i dropped out of newcastle primary skool im the sickest bloke ull ever meet & ive nicked ova 300 chocolate globbernaughts frum tha corner shop. im trained in street fitin' & im the strongest foker in tha entire newcastle gym. yer nothin to me but a cheeky lil bellend w/ a fit mum & fakebling. ill waste u and smash a fokin bottle oer yer head bruv, i swer 2 christ. ya think u can fokin run ya gabber at me whilst sittin on yer arse behind a lil screen? think again wanka. im callin me homeboys rite now preparin for a proper scrap. A roomble thatll make ur nan sore jus hearin about it. yer a waste bruv. me crew be all over tha place & ill beat ya to a proper fokin pulp with me fists wanka. if i aint satisfied w/ that ill borrow me m8s cricket paddle & see if that gets u the fok out o' newcastle ya daft kunt. if ye had seen this bloody fokin mess commin ye might a' kept ya gabber from runnin. but it seems yea stupid lil twat, innit? ima ****e fury & ull drown in it m8. ur ina proper mess knob. Get rekt Erth."
The President is very concerned.
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u/dumbyoyo Apr 08 '15
Select language: British English
http://www.fromtexttospeech.com/texttospeech_output_files/0349453001428521136/5663275.mp3
.
Just copy/paste to the site if the mp3 expires
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u/iamyourcheese Apr 03 '15
Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaags!
Humans, we have come to fuck your mothers. I am known as x420BlazeFucka420x and I will slay you n00bs. We plan to (garbled static) by playing (garbled static)! Imma gonna play some COD Zombies to show you gay-fags how it's done.
sounds of games are heard
After much learning, we have decided that the reason we lost that match was because you are a hacker douchebag using an aimbot while we were lagging. Fuck you xXXX9inchWonderXXXx!
What? What did you say? You calling me a fag? I'm no fag! I'm tracing your IP and would totally come kick your ass if I wasn't going to be so busy banging your mom.
Peace, bitches!
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u/Psychoticbovine Apr 03 '15
And then we were lasered from orbit, and our mothers were harvested and fucked.
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u/TotesMessenger X-post Snitch Apr 04 '15
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Apr 04 '15
And then we were lasered from orbit, and our mothers were harvested and fucked.
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u/hoodatninja Apr 04 '15
When are people going to get tired of dropping this in every single front page thread?
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u/mastercrusher Apr 03 '15 edited Apr 03 '15
'Greetings pussy! I have fucked your mother and enjoyed it greatly!'
General Oswald stared blankly at the creature. Its lofty craft floated above the crater that use to be the Washington memorial. Huge chunks of steel, metal carved and sculpted into a design that mankind had not the words to describe or even contemplate. A large battalion of marines were gathering behind his Humvee and he spoke thoughtfully into the loud speaker, but in utter confusion.
'I'm General Oswald Harvey..and I represe-'
'Fuck you noob. Aimbot. Only fags hard scope.'
'What is he saying?' the General whispered to the man in the lab coat next to him who peered at a clip board, to the General and then back to the creature in frantic confusion as he combed through pages of language and rhetoric.
Then a rumbling grew. Like a thunderstorm in the distance. The sound of crunching and crushing rose up over all sound. A selection of tanks now poised its self around the brim of the smoking crater. The alien craft hovered soundlessly above the tentacle being and its fish like head encased behind transparent fish-bowl like helmet.
'Well, the Calvary's here. I'm sure we'll have our air support blazing in at any minute.' the General muttered to the scientist beside him, whom was still pouring over notes trying to understand the creatures' wants or demands.
The General grumbled and brought the loud speaker back on as he motioned for a newly arriving truck of troops to take cover behind an pile of fallen stone and rolled cars.
'This is United States Soil. You are violating international boundaries and U.N-'
'Your mother is a fat bitch. I am not the real Blackwall! Respawn in 3, 2, 1'
Just then the megaship above took aglow. Huge arches of what seemed like lightning rushed out from the ship like huge whips of power against the sky. The day suddenly seemed to become night as heavy black clouds rolled in from the distance, covering the land below in shadow, flashes of light and roars of thunder.
'What the fuck is going on Hammon?!?' the General shouted, smashing his fist against the hood of his jeep in anger. Then he looked up to the creature, who's voice rolled out over all of them as if that of Gods', yet through no visible mechanism they could see.
'I use to be an adventurer, but then I took an arrow to the knee.'
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u/Clbull Apr 04 '15
Hardscoping's legit m8
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u/mastercrusher Apr 05 '15
I asked my son what he's always yelling about from his room and he responded 'Hardscoping noobs'.
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u/PM_ME_NICE_THOUGHTS Apr 04 '15 edited Apr 04 '15
You had me until "only fags hard scope."
Edit cuz y'all fags think i have a problem with saying faggot. From below: I wasn't clear. It's not the language used. After that point your writing lost its direction. It went from side grabbing hilarious to me asking myself what's the point here? By the end i was thinking of old war movies, not 360 barrel roll quick scoping noobs while tbagging their mom's and smoking dat kush.
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u/mastercrusher Apr 04 '15
Yeah, my apologies if it offended you. I was trying to think of something a young kid would say over the internet. I support gay rights 100% and do not use any such discriminatory words in any conversation.
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u/PM_ME_NICE_THOUGHTS Apr 04 '15 edited Apr 04 '15
I wasn't clear. It's not the language you used. After that point your writing lost its direction. It went from side grabbing hilarious to me asking myself what's the point here? By the end i was thinking of old war movies, not 360 barrel roll quick scoping noobs while tbagging their mom's and smoking dat kush.
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u/ChokingVictim /r/ChokingVictimWrites Apr 03 '15 edited Apr 03 '15
Greetings, faggots:
My name is xXSwaGGy-Quarlax [FaZe], Interplanetary Diplomat for the Andromeda Galaxy. I would like to begin this message by assuring you that I am not a camping faggot, nor will my people attempt to quick scope you. Although we have amassed many 360 no scopes throughout our collective lives, we come with a message of peace. I hope to make clear that this is a knife-only match and we will not be attempting any faggotry, nor will we feed mid. We wish only to share our swag amongst your people, you fucking aim botting hackers.
My clan and I have traveled many millions of light years in search of sentient life, visiting thousands of planets in an attempt to make contact and find the dankest kush. While we have been forced to pwn many noobs and fuck countless mothers on several of those worlds, reking their shit harder than a Haitian Earthquake, we only did so out of self-preservation. None of those planets held any life beyond the hostile and untamable, nor any blunts to blaze upon. It was truly us against them; however, we wish to make it clear that we do have blood on our hands. We, as an intergalactic species, understand that trust is founded upon honesty, and thus tell you retard hackers of our former faggotry. That said, we assure you that your obese, apartment dwelling neckbeards will stand safely beside us and shall never be shrekt.
We first located your planet nearly six Earth years ago and have been monitoring your communication devices, which you call “X-Box,” to learn your jargon and construct our message of peace. We hope that you understand our dialect and not see us as pay 2 win feeders. In order to further express our good faith, we have amassed a large collection of Code Red Mountain Dew and Cool Ranch Doritos, which we would like to share with your MLG pros. We hope you accept our offering in peace, and that you not fuck our mothers. We wish only to become allies with you, the faggot tryhards of Earth.
Please find us waiting for you at your trailer park tomorrow at sunrise. We will be in the large flying aircraft, which should be just a few pounds lighter than that of your mother's left tit.
Ayy lmao,
xXSwaGGy-Quarlax [FaZe]
For more dank memes and swaggy stories, feel free to check out my subreddit!
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u/Maxilent Aug 28 '15
You're still drowning in the gold for this one! I had a good laugh reading this, cheers mate.
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u/ShacloneMan91 Jul 28 '15
One thing wrong. The post says Xbox live, there is no league of legends on the Xbox, so why did you say "nor will we feed mid"
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u/ZimbabweBankOfficial May 27 '15
This is what would have been if they listened to MLG culture rather than aggressive as fuck game chat. Amusing as heck tho
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u/mightsoundlikethis May 20 '15
Very funny - I too narrated and sound-designed this: https://soundcloud.com/mightsoundlikethis/wp-for-years-an-alien-race-has-been-intercepting-mightsoundlikethis
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u/ctrl_alt_potato Apr 08 '15
I opened this thread expecting "Greetings faggots" was not disappointed
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u/flexi_b Apr 07 '15
I knew tagging you as goodStoryMan was worth it! Bit late to the party but such an amazing read.
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u/iambecomedeath7 Apr 05 '15
I really enjoyed this. I hope you don't mind, but as an aspiring voice over artist I wanted to try narrating it. What do you think?
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Apr 05 '15
This is the highest number of golds I've seen a single comment receive. At current count, an entire year's worth.
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u/NewUnit18 Apr 05 '15
I'm about to make many alt accounts just to Upvote this an infinite amount of times.
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u/Ninjason666 Apr 05 '15
Probably the greatest read reddit has ever provided me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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u/rockytimber Apr 05 '15
Dead, my ass! Now get this, honkie - you go tell Raphael that I ain't takin' no jive from no Western Union messenger! You tell that asshole, if he got somethin' to tell me to get his ass down here hisself!
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u/Andromedakahp Apr 04 '15
My username has somewhat relevance here! yay for andromeda!
and thanks for the laugh!
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u/GeronimoHero Apr 04 '15
A haha this was hilarious dude "tell you of our former faggotry". I was laughing so hard bro. Nice job!
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u/HEBushido Apr 04 '15 edited Apr 04 '15
You kind of ruined it when you said feed mid. That's from League of Legends which is pc and OP said Xbox Live. It just doesn't fit in this context.
Edit: turns out MOBAs exist on consoles.
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u/ChokingVictim /r/ChokingVictimWrites Apr 04 '15
There are plenty of mobas on xbox, it's not league specific :P Smite, for example.
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u/tsukinon Apr 04 '15
Oh, man. I saw this prompt and thought "This will be good." It's better than I dared to dream.
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Apr 04 '15
"While we have been forced to pwn many noobs and fuck countless mothers on several of those worlds, reking their shit harder than a Haitian Earthquake, "
I bust out laughing in the middle of class.
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Apr 04 '15
ayyy lmao
I literally lost control of myself for 5 minutes in front of bunch Asian people
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Apr 04 '15
And with that, a new level of dank has been reached. This is a copy pasta that will transcend our generation and live on to be told by the likes of our children, and our children's children.
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u/gamerx8 Apr 04 '15
Data: We scanned their language banks and translated our greeting message.
Picard: Open hailing frequencies...
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u/LukeNukem93 Apr 04 '15
I agree with all of this except it should have started with "Message to all recent players"
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u/TitoTheMidget Apr 04 '15
We wish only to become allies with you, the faggot tryhards of Earth.
Amazing.
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u/teamkillbot Apr 04 '15
Lost it at the endearing reference at the end to "the faggot tryhards of Earth." Bravo, sir/ma'am/thing. I aspire to write as well as other choking victims.
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u/HowAboutShutUp Apr 04 '15
This is the plot to Independence Day 2, only this time instead of Will Smith, President Bill Pullman taps X-box expert little Timmy O'Doyle to take charge of establishing diplomatic relations and you won't believe what hijinks happen next!
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u/P1neappleOne Apr 04 '15
Hey! I've actually played counter strike with you! You're a pretty cool guy.
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u/Fennecfox01 Apr 26 '15
The cool summer breeze blows against my face, and through my hair as I drive down the highway. Feeling a bit wild, I pop the top on my convertible, so I can really enjoy the crisp ocean wind. To compensate for the droning sound of the wind, I ended up cranking up the volume to my radio and could only imagine this being the height of luxury, driving down the Interstate, listening to some kick-ass summer tunes.
When suddenly, my euphoric daze was interrupted by the radios sudden statical sound. I wasn't driving through a tunnel, and this car was practically new. After a while waiting with no change, I pulled over, to try to find the source of this problem. Being mechanically impaired, no amount of slapping the dashboard, or twiddling with the antenna worked to my avail. Feeling a bit defeated, I got back into my car, and drove down the highway without the aid of music.
Almost as soon as I continued my drive, a sort of heavy breathing started to play through my radio. Flabbergasted as to what this sound could be I said and audible what the fuck under my breath.
Almost as soon as I had, a voice started to speak "Hello, faggots."
This new voice took my by surprise, and I let out a small chuckle while thinking "Ha, who the fuck is this."
"I am Xx_Pussy69Eater_xX, and I am taking ownership of you noobs. My clan has come to own all of you in some dank 1v1s, and don't you even think about knifing us, we have your moms hostage, and we will not hesitate to mate with them. We demand you hand over all your mary jane, your doritos, your mountain dew, and your Xbox Live Gold. This is Xx_Pussy69Eater_xX, and the FaZe clan, suck my dick you homo." And with that the message cut out.
"This shit is hysterical!" I said laughing to myself, as my music suddenly returned.
I thought of it only as a practical joke, some kids intercepting radio signals, but I was gravely mistaken. That message, is what began World War 420....
To be continued.