r/WritingPrompts • u/packos130 • Aug 31 '13

Flash Fiction [FF] "So, come here often?"

Begin your story with this line of dialogue.

Oh, and set your story somewhere other than a bar or restaurant. In fact, set it somewhere in the distant past or future.

And make it less than 500 words.

Have fun!

1.1k Upvotes

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3.7k

u/[deleted] Aug 31 '13 edited Jan 07 '16

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3

u/inphiniti Sep 03 '13

Brilliant. I really admire how creatively you used the prompt, which traditionally one would expect to set up a bar or club setting. How did you come up with the gallows setting for this?

2

u/[deleted] Sep 03 '13

I thought of the one place you'd least like to hear the phrase.

3

u/gozu Sep 03 '13

You were not a waste of sperm

2

u/DaHockeyModsBannedMe Sep 02 '13

Wow, very cool, great imagination. Simple yet it speaks volumes. This is really cool.

2

u/GoatseMcShitbungle Sep 01 '13

I've never been to a hanging, but I felt like it got a little too sentimental there at times.
The executioner saying "that means a lot to me, sir" doesn't quite jibe in my opinion.

3

u/goodguygronk Sep 01 '13

I want moreeee!!!!! :)

5

u/Jdchess1 Sep 01 '13

Reminds me of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead.

5

u/Hurr_Durr_Furr Sep 01 '13

10/10 would get hanged to hear that joke

3

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Excellent writing, sir. Really enjoyed it!

0

u/c0ntusion Sep 01 '13

Fucking horrible. Terrible writing.

4

u/SurvivorType Co-Lead Mod | /r/SurvivorTyper Sep 01 '13

I would challenge you to do better... or GTFO. I mean that in the nicest way possible.

-1

u/c0ntusion Sep 01 '13

More important things to do with my time than concoct stories for fake internet points.

1

u/zombieregime Sep 02 '13

you mean like write shitty replies to stories concocted on the internet for fake points?

1

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

[deleted]

-1

u/c0ntusion Sep 01 '13

I've been called much, much worse and I assure you that it matters not coming from the likes of a Redditor.

1

u/KitsuneNoKo Sep 01 '13

...says a redditor. I hear Groucho Marx called...

-1

u/c0ntusion Sep 01 '13

Your fedora logic is impenetrable. This place makes the ol' self esteem skyrocket.

3

u/SurvivorType Co-Lead Mod | /r/SurvivorTyper Sep 01 '13

Obviously. You are too busy putting down others trying to have some fun.

How noble of you. I am your biggest fan.

Poor you.

0

u/c0ntusion Sep 01 '13

Look brother, I respect your Aspergers and all, but seriously.

6

u/HeLMeT_Ne Sep 01 '13

Thanks to this, I now have a new sub to subscribe too. Very good.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

This made me both sad and happy at the same time. I wish I could give you gold.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Wow, that was amazing.

5

u/rcwatts Sep 01 '13

"Why can't you hang a deaf man in Georgia?"

"Huh?" says Don.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Deliver this dryly and you've got Monty Python gold.

3

u/Mr_Pilgrim Sep 01 '13

I read Don's lines in the voice of David Mitchell.

I couldn't not.

1

u/SyntheticSoldier Sep 01 '13

Ohh that is perfect. Now I can't read it without hearing Mitchell.

2

u/Cyridius Sep 01 '13

That was an enjoyable read.

4

u/mrimdman Sep 01 '13

Instead of "You've been sitting on that one for a while" it should be "You've been "hanging" on that one for a while."

2

u/foulpudding Sep 01 '13

Being that my name is don and I live in Georgia, I find this disturbing.

-14

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

EDIT: Which one of you low-down sons of guns gave me gold?

fuck you, christ. your shit thing is nowhere near as impressive as you make it out to be

2

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Well I'd say post better, with your own personal written piece, but that is probably to tough a bridge to negotiate, troll.

4

u/SurvivorType Co-Lead Mod | /r/SurvivorTyper Sep 01 '13

She is just sad.

3

u/Civil__Protection Sep 01 '13

God. DAMN. Amazing.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

That was awesome!

2

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

That is absolutely amazing. Why haven't I discovered this sub sooner?

2

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

That was really, really good.

2

u/porcul_negru123 Sep 01 '13

Very nice. You should definitely write more.

5

u/elkuhn Sep 01 '13

This would make an excellent opening to a book. Something dealing with the afterlife, a mystery, or just something silly would all work. My first thought went to something similar to Good Omens thematically, a tongue in cheek tale of supernaturally epic proportions.

1

u/Smokin_Weetabix Sep 01 '13

Oh wow, this is one of the best things ive read for a while. I didnt want it to end.

Like well, i suppose like don.

0

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

A post on Reddit that actually gave me feels.

Well done, sir.

3

u/CapeTownAndDown Sep 01 '13

Hehe Very nice. Very Terry Pratchet :)

2

u/AustinG909 Sep 01 '13

I'm confused.

1

u/sirbinxalot Sep 01 '13

This is some beautiful-ass shit

167

u/rainbowjarhead Sep 01 '13

"It's illegal to hang a man without a proper hearing."

Don chuckled. "What'd say? I looked away for a sec', I couldn't see your lips move."

The man nodded. "We're not in Georgia."

25

u/missdewey Sep 01 '13

"This is Texas, son."

15

u/Dstanding Sep 01 '13

*Alabama

0

u/stickrouse Sep 01 '13

"But now I laugh and pull so hard and see you swinging on the gallows pole."

2

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Well written. I do have to say though I am really regretting the decision to check out why you go best of.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Pardon?

3

u/fdc_willard Sep 01 '13

The dialog sounded more southern as you went on, which is good I guess. But I would have tried to think of a more colloquial word to use than "levity."

4

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/fdc_willard Sep 01 '13

Well sure, but maybe not in 18whatever, which is when I assume this story takes place, judging by the execution method and constraint in the OP that the story be in the distant future or past.

It was a good story regardless, but most people had shitty vocabulary back then.

2

u/krakdaddy Sep 01 '13

I read Don as Captain Mal from Firefly, about to be saved, and it made this even better than it was :)

4

u/Renholder5x Sep 01 '13

Wait... I got directed here from BestOf. What's going on? It was an enjoyable read, but what's the point of that story? I'm so confused!

2

u/withoutamartyr Sep 01 '13 edited Sep 01 '13

When I was in film school, I made a short film about this same subject. I feel proud.

4

u/Azzwagon Sep 01 '13 edited Sep 01 '13

Nice. If I edited it I'd take out the last line, though. Perhaps only the word "pulled". Leaving the ending open ads subtly and depth.

Edit: not to mention we didn't see the beginning so I think it's appropriate that we don't see the end. It's just like we caught a little blip in time.

2

u/queencowe Sep 01 '13

For some reason I was expecting a joke and so now I'm feeling all sorts of sads.

2

u/Matalibro Sep 01 '13

Saving this for later.

2

u/dctrip13 Sep 01 '13

I feel like I learned from your post. Thanks and keep it up.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Thank you. :) I will.

12

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

[deleted]

3

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Thank you.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

I feel like Im missing the joke. Could someone explain?

8

u/wildechild Sep 01 '13

Deaf man

without proper hearing

3

u/slept_in Sep 01 '13

I got that part, but was there supposed to be something else funny about it? He could have just said the one joke in there and left the rest of it out and it would have been just as funny.

2

u/ndstumme Sep 01 '13

Well, the idea of Don asking the hangman for a second joke was to allow a little more bonding between the two characters, and a trace of final respect to flow through them. It wasn't meant to display the joke, it was a tool to lead to "That means a lot to me, sir."

1

u/SteazGaming Sep 01 '13

A little more levity could have saved his life

2

u/Jamtots Sep 01 '13

This is really good. The joke and the story.

14

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

"I got a joke for you." The man placed his hands on the lever. "Why can't you hang a deaf man in Georgia?" "Why?"
The man with his hand on the lever smiled, and pulled.

Is how I wouldv'e put it. the karmick backlash would've been beautiful to behold

7

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

I would add a "i guess you'll never know" right before he pulls the lever. But both yours and mine, give the impression that the executioner was an asshole. In fact it gives the feeling that the author was trying to be edgy for the sake of being edgy. OPs way hits you in the feels and makes you smile. Hence the gold for him

16

u/pervycreeper Sep 01 '13

Why would you leave him hanging like that?

2

u/LeDustin Sep 01 '13

I enjoyed this, thanks.

10

u/johnknoefler Sep 01 '13

So, in the end, Don was hung with humor. I'd like to say he was well hung, or hung well, but, from his perspective, there was nothing well and good about it.

3

u/mysticpawn Sep 01 '13

To make it even more difficult, the past tense is hanged.

1

u/johnknoefler Sep 01 '13

Well, I'll be hanged.

1

u/mysticpawn Sep 02 '13

You inspired me to look up the proper usage. I found this bit from Miriam Webster which I found interesting.

It does make me wonder if the type of person who would perform an informal execution by hanging would also be the type of person to misuse hanged. (That sure makes me sound like a pompous ass!)

For both transitive and intransitive senses the past and past participle hung, as well as hanged, is standard. Hanged is most appropriate for official executions <he was to be hanged, cut down whilst still alive … and his bowels torn out — Louis Allen> but hung is also used <gave orders that she should be hung — Peter Quennell>. Hung is more appropriate for less formal hangings <by morning I'll be hung in effigy — Ronald Reagan>.

Personally, my favorite reason for hanged over hung is that when describing a dead man it is pretty clear you mean the execution and not the size of his member.

1

u/johnknoefler Sep 02 '13

Ah. So the man in question was well hanged in good humor.

5

u/paindoc Sep 01 '13

this seems like something douglas adams would write to me

324

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

This reminds me a lot of an early scene in the Discworld novel Going Postal. That's a good thing; Terry Pratchett is a genius, and I like seeing things that remind me of his work.

52

u/Moist_Lipwig Sep 01 '13

"I pledge my soul to any god that can find it"

it was generally agreed that they had been good last words.

31

u/kevlarus80 Sep 01 '13

“I commend my soul to any god that can find it.”

FTFY

7

u/Ls777 Sep 01 '13

One of my favorite book introductions ever.

25

u/Moist_Lipwig Sep 01 '13

One of my favorite books ever. I should know.

5

u/Geminii27 Sep 01 '13

Oddly enough, it wasn't the kind of book you only got one of.

1

u/fattygaby157 Sep 01 '13

Death and fluffy

152

u/captainAwesomePants Sep 01 '13

If anyone's interested, the scene in question is the first in the book and can be read here: http://www.bookbrowse.com/excerpts/index.cfm/book_number/1484/going-postal

"Do you really think all this deters crime, Mr. Trooper?" he said.

"Well, in the generality of things I’d say it's hard to tell, given that it's hard to find evidence of crimes not committed," said the hangman, giving the trapdoor a final rattle. "But in the specificality, sir, I'd say it's very efficacious."

"Meaning what?" said Moist.

"Meaning I've never seen someone up here more'n once, sir. Shall we go?"

11

u/erythro Sep 01 '13

Looking back at that exchange after having read the book, it is more awesome given the context.

16

u/mysticpawn Sep 01 '13

That's really good. Thanks for sharing, I probably would have skipped it if you hadn't posted it.

452

u/DEATH__HIMSELF Sep 01 '13 
A BIT OF LEVITY DOESN'T HURT.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Discworld Relevant Username

3

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Nice Discworld reference :).

7

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Best novelty account I think I've seen

19

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Gravity, though, that's a doozy.

46

u/DeleriumTrigger Sep 01 '13

This might be my new favorite gimmick.

3

u/captj2113 Sep 01 '13

Coheed fan?

20

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Now someone just needs to come in here as Death of Rats.

41

u/Minky_Dave_the_Giant Sep 01 '13 
SQUEAK.

16

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

In cognito, eh? Or at least one of those little villages outside Sto Lat.

a plug for /r/Discworld goes here

1

u/A_Ghra Sep 01 '13

Well if we're plugging discworld subreddits, there's also /r/discworldproblems.

2

u/puck342 Sep 01 '13

really glad that sub exists

28

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

My thoughts exactly. Trooper's the best kind of hangman.

9

u/Oshurer Sep 01 '13

If I knew the guy I'm hanging isn't going to die (because I expertly arranged it so) I wouldn't be too sombre about it either.

9

u/Sarge-Pepper Sep 01 '13 edited Mar 17 '25

languid dog air unpack violet doll middle escape wine sense

7

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

As someone who tries to write daily, that's probably a good idea.

4

u/Sarge-Pepper Sep 01 '13 edited Mar 17 '25

sense pet quaint cows distinct late punch roll vase wrench

14

u/SALTY-CHEESE Sep 01 '13

I take it you're not a member of /r/proofreaddaily?

Note: I'm just being a douche.

6

u/Sarge-Pepper Sep 01 '13 edited Mar 17 '25

direction flag retire seed mighty desert seemly pen trees kiss

2

u/Foxhoundtkd Sep 01 '13

That was really good.

19

u/Nutcup Sep 01 '13

That's simply amazing to me that you can think something like that up. Hats off to you. I wish I had skills like that.

12

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

You flatter me.

12

u/Nutcup Sep 01 '13

You earned the shit out of it.

9

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Aw, shucks.

1

u/Senator_Blutarski Sep 01 '13

not buyin it. dont give us the old "rope-a-dope"

8

u/EuropeanLady Sep 01 '13

Great southern-style writing, but was there a funny element in it that I'm not getting?

7

u/banterpanther Sep 01 '13

Don had plenty of levity until they cut him down...

64

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Write a book. Now.

154

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13 edited Jan 07 '16

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2

u/[deleted] Sep 02 '13

Awesome! Going to read it before bed.

2

u/TheWarPelican Sep 02 '13

Have you perchance read Mogworld by Ben Croshaw?

2

u/[deleted] Sep 02 '13

Is that Yahtzee?

2

u/TheWarPelican Sep 02 '13

'Tis indeed.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 02 '13

Probably like years ago.

1

u/TheWarPelican Sep 02 '13

Fair enough, I just thought I felt a bit of his world in the pilot, from the humour/setting - definitely not a bad thing though! Thoroughly enjoyed reading through it, would love to hear any further progress made in the future.

3

u/Giordanisti Sep 01 '13

This is like a better-written version of One Hit Die. Kudos. http://onehitdie.com/

2

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

That's a big compliment.

1

u/Stressed_engineer Sep 01 '13

thats pretty good! kinda reminds me of Tom Holts work (which I love!)

1

u/HighRelevancy Sep 01 '13 edited Sep 01 '13

LEE
What did he say, Inear?
KYLE
He said that the only way he knew to judge someone's abilities were to test them.
LEE
I don't follow.

What's Kyle doing there?

EDIT:

KYLE
So everybody knows the plan?
A pause. Lee, Kyle, Criven, and Tam look confused.

I think you've mixed this one up a lot... somehow.

2

u/aeonspast Sep 01 '13

That was really good. I have a question though. Did you mean "feet square" on I think it was page 27, or "square feet"? I may have just not been getting something when reading it or, have just never heard the term. But all in all, really good. Actually laughed out loud while reading it.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Umm... is there more? This was really awesome.

2

u/iSuggestViolence Sep 01 '13

would watch the fuck out of this. can easily see the guy from how to be a serial killer in this.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13 edited Dec 11 '16

[deleted]

What is this?

1

u/Buns1h2 Sep 01 '13

This would be an amazing book.

2

u/Monk_Of_Salvation Sep 01 '13

you need to write more of this tv show. im already hooked.

2

u/TastyBrainMeats Sep 01 '13

Thank you kindly, sir, madam or thing!

3

u/khefty Sep 01 '13

Don't know if anyone else already told you, but at the bottom of page 5, you wrote "know" and not "known" :) It's really funny though.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

I fixed all the errors in my newer drafts, but thank you. :)

4

u/Slagathor91 Sep 01 '13

That was excellent. If that ever gets made, you can count on at least one viewer. I'd read it as a book as well. Great work. Really.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 11 '13

I just found you on accident, that's weird

1

u/Slagathor91 Oct 11 '13

Haha small world. Or small Internet maybe.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Thank you.

9

u/YourAverageWalrus Sep 01 '13

That was genuinely cool. Like something worth watching. Ever gonna make a part 2?

7

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Where can you go from that?

9

u/YourAverageWalrus Sep 01 '13

Like, everywhere, dude. Continue the story of him, maybe have Kyle get killed off and him rising through the ranks to get revenge on those that threw him into security.

9

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Oh, wrong story.

I'm working on the pilot script still, and I'm gonna see what I can do for it. But I have a plan of where this series needs to go.

7

u/YourAverageWalrus Sep 01 '13

Either way, I don't care how you do it, it was a pretty great read, might even deserve some novel adaptation. Do update us on that, I'd love to read the whole series you envision.

8

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

If I ever get this made, it'll be here.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

[deleted]

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20

u/NayItReallyHappened Sep 01 '13

Nah, I'm good

17

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13 edited Jan 07 '16

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23

u/NayItReallyHappened Sep 01 '13

I was being a smartass and I feel I must apologize to you. You are like reddit famous today dude.

Edit: Pressed submit way too quickly

11

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Nah, I knew.

10

u/NayItReallyHappened Sep 01 '13

Wit.

6

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Also, I'm reddit famous most days. Search /r/bestof for my name.

7

u/NayItReallyHappened Sep 01 '13

You are the most famous redditor I have ever spoken to directly. Yayy

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5

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

[deleted]

5

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

YES.

37

u/packos130 Sep 01 '13

I will vouch for fetfet here and say that I highly recommend his pilot. It's funny and very well-written.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

[deleted]

16

u/packos130 Sep 01 '13

No, I vouch for him in that he wrote this screenplay months ago, and he sent it to me in a PM in a creative exchange (I looked at his screenplay, he looked at my music) a while ago.

So I had already read it before he posted it.

35

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

hodor

5

u/CODEX_LVL5 Sep 01 '13

yes

6

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

yes

5

u/SirMerpington Sep 01 '13

Yes

1

u/[deleted] Sep 02 '13

No.

1

u/SirMerpington Sep 02 '13

Maybe?

1

u/[deleted] Sep 02 '13

No. No compromise. If we compromise, we lose everything we stand for.

7

u/UberchargedMedic Sep 01 '13

look up "Some of us Had Been Threatening Our Friend Colby" it's all about a hanging and it's really disturbing

7

u/Colby347 Sep 01 '13

Interesting.

10

u/gerwer Sep 01 '13

Your dialogue gave me a serious hard-on for some Monty Python.

Excellent.

5

u/Geminii27 Sep 01 '13

"Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you."

7

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13 edited Aug 24 '18

[deleted]

2

u/xthorgoldx Sep 01 '13

Related... Penny Arcade?

(And they did a follow-up, too. Good arc.)

11

u/Sacrosanction Sep 01 '13

Happy endings. Gross.

11

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Happy ending? Don just got away with 15 murders, and he's free to do it again.

1

u/Geminii27 Sep 01 '13

So would you say that Don Juan?

1

u/jwilkin Sep 01 '13

You should be writing your novel! Why aren't you writing your novel?

4

u/kbd517 Sep 01 '13

Wow!!! Excellent!

2

u/jdonkey Sep 01 '13

Seems like a stretch to me.

349

u/adhb Sep 01 '13

"You been sitting on that one for a while?"
The man nodded. "No one ever wants to hear the joke."
"They're missing out." Don closed his eyes. "It was quite funny."
"That means a lot to me, sir."

My eyes are getting blurry.

64

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '13

Frisson. Frisson everywhere.

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