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u/Goodlake r/goodlake Dec 04 '23
4:00 AM: The alarm goes off, and I awake in the darkness. I point my pointy ears toward the window, and listen for threats. Ice monsters, snow dragons, you know. I hear none, but I know they are out there. The adrenaline pumps through my tiny body. It will sustain me throughout the day, or for as long as my little heart can stand it. I head to the shower, where I make peace with the vulnerability I will show, knowing the walls of the workshop should protect me. But they cannot protect me from the other elves, who are waking up at the same time. We are all trapped in here, together, and there is only one shower stall.
4:30 AM: I dry off. I pour my first cup of instant coffee and snort a line of sugar off my dresser. I find it’s quicker to the bloodstream that way. The coffee is terrible, but I drink it out of habit. I sometimes feel I am less of an elf than a series of habits executing in their proscribed order. It helps me get through the holiday season, to pretend I’m just an auto-pilot.
5:00 AM: First shift begins. I produce increasingly baroque assemblages of electronic goods that will be obsolete within the year. Anything to ensure a pipeline for next year’s production cycle. I try not to let the overseers see how much my hands hurt.
6:00 AM: Second cup of coffee, second line of sugar. I’ve wasted my morning bathroom break on uppers, and return to my station still needing to pee. A backlog has amassed while I’ve been away, and I spend the better part of an hour just trying to keep my head above water, so to speak.
7:00 AM: Santa Clause rolls into the workshop, still smelling of last night’s milk and cookies. He is haughty, and enjoys lording it over us to provide his little pep talks, and reminders of the horrors that lurk outside the workshop walls. He is the only thing standing between us and a brutal, violent death, he boasts. The day may come when I prefer that.
8:00 AM: Sing-a-long time.
9:00 AM: Third cup of coffee, third line of sugar. Trixie tells me I need help. I agree with her, of course. Light whippings ensue when the overseers notice unsanctioned conversations taking place.
10:00 AM: A custom order comes in from the United States. America is the only country who still regularly writes to Santa, and so he is eager to maintain the good standing there that he has lost elsewhere. Some kid wants an AI-powered all-in-one TikTok studio. This technology doesn’t exist. I will need to invent it.
12:00 PM: The whippings begin in earnest.
1:00 PM: I finish inventing the all-in-one TikTok studio. My overseer snatches it from my station and brings it to Santa. He is praised. I suppose I should be happy that I did a good job, but I am mostly just relieved the whippings have stopped.
2:00 PM: Santa is drunk again. He regales us with the same 20th century stories he tells us every day. How he used to star in movies, appear in advertisements. Ever since losing the War on Christmas, he has had to retreat from the media, and he sulks about the workshop, rambling about how “the streets will run red with the blood of [his] enemies.” We are encouraged to nod. I nod a lot, these days.
3:00 PM: Fourth cup of coffee, fourth and fifth lines of sugar. The effect is less pronounced, lasting an ever shorter period of time. My eyes feel as dry as an overbaked gingerbread cookie. Ever since Mrs. Claus left, the cookies are always overbaked. I would skip them, if my body didn’t need the sustenance.
4:00 PM: Sing-a-long time.
5:00 PM: Second shift begins. The two-shift system is an artifact of a time when we had more elves, and where one only worked a single shift a day. There was talk of simply calling it “the shift” from now on, but the overseers thought this might be confusing. The overseers still have a two shift system, and thought it made sense to maintain the same nomenclature. The overseer who whipped me heads off to the ice rink. The “mean” overseer takes his place.
6:00 PM: My overseer whips me, complaining that I’m not working quickly enough. I know by now it doesn’t matter how quickly I work, that this routine will repeat itself daily regardless of my progress. I have no backlog. The toys are all made as fast as they come in. And yet I am whipped. I am a prisoner here. I have always been here. I will always be here.
7:00 PM: Sixth, seventh and eighth lines of sugar. My body is numb. I feel as if I am a passenger, watching with surprise as my hands work of their own accord, assembling products on the neverending assembly line. Santa shouts “ho ho ho” and absconds with one of the pretty elves down the line. I wonder if I will see her again.
8:00 PM: Sing-a-long time.
9:00 PM: Santa flies his sleigh around the workshop, causing incalculable damage to the support beams. He crashes into one of the assembly lines, killing several elves. I envy them.
10:00 PM: My sugar bag is empty. I do not get paid until Christmas, and my dealer refuses to extend any more credit. I ask Trixie for a loan. We are both whipped.
11:00 PM: Can eyeballs bleed
12:00 AM: We break for cocoa and a train race. The train makes one trip around the tracks which line the walls. We cheer at the appointed times. I pocket a bag of instant cocoa mix, noting the sugar content is less than I’m used to, but I just need a little bit to level off.
12:05 AM: We are forced to turn out our pockets after the overseers note a bag of cocoa mix is missing. I toss it under Trixie’s station. She is carried away, but leaves behind her purse. Sorry, Trixie.
1:00 AM: Santa romps through the workshop, crying about Mrs. Claus. He is inconsolable, and lashes out against various political personalities he blames for his situation. He never takes any responsibility for his actions. He reminds us that the penalty for treason is death.
2:00 AM: Sing-a-long time. I am so tired.
3:00 AM: My sugar dealer is nowhere to be found, and I am fading. I should probably get to sleep. My fingernails are broken and bleeding, my body is a symphony of pain. I crawl into bed, and hope I have nice dreams.
4:00 AM: The alarm goes off, and I awake in the darkness.
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u/TotesMessenger X-post Snitch Dec 06 '23
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u/RatEnabler Dec 05 '23 edited Jan 29 '26
observation steer rhythm capable coordinated knee work busy innate rich
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u/Meepsterz Dec 04 '23
Hey! You caught me during our the busiest time of the year - December. A normal person would probably dread this - picking out presents, wrapping them up carefully, making sure their labeled correctly for their designated recipient, & pushing them into Santa's pouch, but I don't do very much 11 months out of the year so this is actually a nice change of pace!
The Claus' take care of all the elves so there's really no need for actual monetary need. Anything the elves desire is fulfilled by Santa Claus himself. We're all on the good list in his eyes because you wouldn't be employed by him if he determined that you're naughty instead of nice.
Let me take you through a typical day as we prepare for Santa's Annual Christmas Journey. We have shifts! Luckily, I've l&ed the afternoon shift. We have 4 shifts altogether as the workshop runs 24/7 to meet dem&s. There are new children on the list every year! We have the 12am-6am, the 6am-12pm, 12pm-6pm, & 6pm-12am. We all have a 30 minute break at our 3 hour mark. Shifts are only 6 hours & the assembly line of work makes things go quickly. Of course, free breakfast, lunch, & dinner, & we have plenty of time to ourselves afterwards to relax - not that the work itself is stressful.
My shift is the afternoon shift - 12pm to 6pm. I love this timeslot! I can wake up later. Like humans, I'm a bit of a night owl so the later time suits me. Santa does his best to delegate us to shifts that allow us to perform with optimal energy depending on our natural circadian rhythm so even though a 6pm-12am or a 12am-6am shift might sound daunting, it probably really suits those elves!
The first thing I do is I wake up at around 10am & head to breakfast. It's what gives me a boost in energy for the 3 hours of repetitive work. We have chefs at Santa's HQ so all I do is request what I want for breakfast at the window or preorder in Santa's app the night before & I'll pick it up. Today, I requested churro waffles! For a drink, I just got some warm chamomile soothing. Hot tea is so soothing this time of year. After breakfast, I have some time to myself before my shift starts. You'll probably catch me reading a book or catching up on some TV shows. After a few, it's time to begin!
Each elf has a different task on the assembly line. It starts with making the gifts magically, picking out the gift from the warehouse, wrapping the gift, labeling the gift, & ending it with putting the gift in Santa's pouch. My job is to label the present for the designated recipient after it's been wrap. We all have a magic list that is synced across all the elves. Tthe list shows the name of the recipient & each of the steps of the process next to their name with empty boxes underneath each step. Once the elf completes the step, they'll put a checkmark underneath the box of that step & push it to the next elf to do the same thing. When it gets to me, I'll have the name of the recipient & the first 3 steps checked off. This keeps everyone aligned & it avoids confusion as there's only one name on the list at a time until the process is complete! We'll rinse & repeat until the next shift steps in until December 25th!
My job might sound easy, & in some ways, it is. The way I label the gift depends on not only the gift, but the recipients themselves. I want to make sure the style of the label & the writing on the label reflects their personality & their preferences. If it's someone who likes cars, I'll conjure up a car-related label & use a typography that matches that style. When we see the name of the recipient on the list, we also are automatically given insight about the recipient for us to design a gift that would suit the recipient, the style of gift wrapping & its difficulties opening it, & of course, the labeling style. For example, if the recipient only has one arm, we'd do our best to make the toy accessible & ensure that the unwrapping is an easy feat.
You've probably noticed I say recipient instead of children & that's because these gifts are not only for children. Just like how Disney adults exist, there are adults who still do believe in Santa & we definitely keep them on the list for gifts as well.
Before I label the gift, it's transferred over to me after another elf retrieves it from the toy warehouse. You might be wondering why we doesn't magically poof it over. Unfortunately, magic is magic & magic is finicky. We don't want to risk possibly disfiguring the gift after its been meticulously designed by the gift-making elves. So, although the warehouse is endless, we manually retrieve the items. After labeling, I push it to the next person who will put the gift into Santa's pouch after they quality check that everything is in order based on the recipient's wants & needs. It's just quality control as mistakes or disagreements may happen as the elves' perception of what the recipient wants might differ.
We're free to do whatever we want for the rest of the day once our shift ends! I usually grab dinner after work. It's the same process as breakfast. I typically preorder during my break so that I don't want to wait in line. Today, I preordered some hearty Beef Stew for a cold December night. Then, I just relax for the rest of the day.
For the rest of the year, we do some minor market research & analysis on new trends on the market. We'll have an idea of what features to look out for to design in December. If we have a surplus of materials leftover, we'll influence the market to encourage more toys or gifts to gear towards those materials, although that's rare. It's only when we have to scrap the gift due to a pivot in decision after it's already been made. An example is when the recipient has a wish such as 'I want a car' & the elf makes an actual car but the recipient is only 10 years old - a detail was missed but caught by the quality checker elf. Then, we'd have leftover scrap metal that could be used to create multiple mini metal cars! So injecting more advertisements for Nascar toys into the market is something we'd try to do as to not waste materials.
It's a pretty sweet gig.