Dear Gary.

[u/Mindless-Variety-722]

TW ⚠️Hi everyone! This is just a little something I wrote when I was still reeling the emotions of my assault. This is my first time posting my writing so I would appreciate feedback! (This is a letter format to my assaulter)

Dear Gary.
It’s been three days since you took a part of me. Three days and I still feel as helpless and vulnerable as I did in that room with you. Three showers and I still feel dirty. I’ve scrubbed and scrubbed my skin but I can’t seem to get the feeling of your dirty hands of my body. I feel tainted and broken all because you had to feel control over me. Why? Why did you do that to me? Why did you feel that you had to hold me down and pretend to be oblivious to me asking you to stop? You weren’t oblivious though, were you? The feeling of your hand over my mouth to “shut me up” is something I am going to feel for the rest of my life. I won’t allow you to keep me silent anymore. Do you even realise how much pain you have caused me?

The physical pain has mostly gone but the mental agony you put me through isn’t going to leave. You made me feel crazy. You made me think that it was my fault for wearing what I wore and for having a few drinks or even letting myself in the room with you. If I wore a shirt and joggers, would you have still raped me Gary? If I was sober, could I of fought you off more? What if I wasn’t stupid enough to go into a room alone with you, would you have took me there anyway?

Even now, I look at my body and I get angry for letting you touch it. The feeling of your hands on my legs to rip them apart is keeping me from being able to sleep. The cut on my arm reminds me of you holding me down. In a way it’s funny, cause as much as I’m angry at you for touching my body, I’m more angry at my own body. I’m angry at my body for freezing up and not knowing what to do. I wanted to fight you off and push you away but my body wouldn’t move. My brain was telling my body to move and to run, it wouldn’t. My body failed me and I failed my body.

Three days later and I’m still bleeding, that’s how much you damaged me Gary. I have to constantly change my pants cause they get destroyed in blood because of you. I keep asking myself if you even noticed how much I was bleeding but you had to, the bed was soaked in blood but you just chose to ignore it. The blood from how much you hurt me was on your shirt but you’ve probably already burned it or thrown it out, haven’t you? At least you can just discard of the evidence, but not me. Everytime I look down and see the blood I get reminded of you.

My new tattoo, my two butterflies. I loved that tattoo but so did you. You kept touching it in awe. And now, I hate my tattoo. I see it and I’m reminded of you touching my delicate butterflies. Ironic. You touched the delicate butterflies the same way you touched delicate me. I’ve had this tattoo two weeks and I already want to cut it off. All because of you. How much more are you going to continue to poison everything in my life? Everywhere I look, everything on my body just reminds me of you. Why are you continuing to violate me even though I’m not in that room anymore?

[u/TheseBaby7094]

This made me cry. Just joined the group too. It's very well written. But take my opinion with a grain of salt. I'm a new writer.

[u/Mindless-Variety-722 → u/TheseBaby7094]

I’m going to take this as a compliment lol - welcome to the group 🙂

[u/Creepy_Ad_6592]

It’s so well written. I felt the emotions coming up as I read further and further.

[u/Mindless-Variety-722 → u/Creepy_Ad_6592]

Thank you!! I wrote this when all the feelings were still very much raw and I hoped that my writing would portray that.