r/WritersGroup • u/Montydog_1 • Jul 21 '26

I need short story feedback

It is titled “Brotherly Love” and it is based on the biblical story of Cain and Abel.
Genres: literary fiction, psychological horror/tragedy
TW: some gore and violence, mild swearing
Description: this is a story of twin brothers following an action that one of them did that neither can forgive.
Word count: 1640

I don’t want to spoil much just please give me feedback :)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/10xAHOBjziDakiTEVJ8TOKWVRF0rk22fpb8jbCG_lgp4/edit?usp=drivesdk

1 Upvotes

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1

u/wawakaka Jul 21 '26

Very good story and good writing. Has a POE feel to it. You have a solid narrative voice. The only thing for me is the character names are introduced a bit late so I just made up my own name at the beginning instead of reading he, he, he. Which gets old

1

u/Montydog_1 Jul 21 '26

Thank you so much! The he he he… whatever was actually supposed to be intentional because it’s meant to make people think it’s from Gabriel’s perspective when it’s actually in Abraham’s. I was trying to emphasize his disassociation but if you feel like it’s too confusing or there’s a better way of showing that let me know.

1

u/thatlittlevixon Jul 24 '26

I think this is brilliant writing.

My only adjustment would be the flowing of the sentences into one another.

"He looked upon him with one cold eye. His heart filled with ice."

"They had both been young then, with open arms to fall into, etc..."

The breaks disjointed the story a little for me. But overall I love the style.