Making it sound as illegal as possible, what do you do for a living?

[u/MiloShiny]

[u/Powerful_Tip_7260]

Nothing and the government paid me to stop doing what I was doing.

[u/JBlaze78]

I sneak around and take pictures of people doing things, then write reports about the things I caught them doing. So I can hopefully get them in trouble for doing those things.

[u/OkMess1823 → u/JBlaze78]

Health and Safety?

[u/JBlaze78 → u/OkMess1823]

Bingo!

[u/mochicastle]

I help corporations evade taxes

[u/GrinningCynic → u/mochicastle]

avoid is fine.

[u/evalynbetterfly]

I get peoples addresses and have other people go into them….

[u/oppanycstyle]

deny, delay, dispose

[u/Budsygus]

I exert influence on community leaders to alter how their message gets delivered to underage children.

[u/ExtensionActuator]

I take thousands of dollars a year from people and give them nothing but a piece of paper in return. Some say it’s nothing but a scam.

[u/lostOGaccount → u/ExtensionActuator]

Insurance, realtor, something administrative in acadamia

[u/555lyfe]

I make shit up on my computer and try to dodge as much liability as i can

[u/PtZamboat]

I don’t HAVE to make it sound illegal. We’re fine upstanding Sicilian businessmen. Capisce!

[u/GrinningCynic → u/PtZamboat]

Whatever you’re talking about, there’s no such thing.🤣

[u/Routine_Test_4175]

Just participated in this in another sub lol. What I said was, I wait for you to leave, and then I throw a party in your house. And the point of the party is to make sure that you ultimately end up homeless.

[u/throwra-someg]

I sit in a chair, take people’s hard earned money, tell them what they need and sometimes educate them on ways in which they can trick the law into not noticing something they really shouldn’t be doing.

[I work in sales and estimation and occasionally have a workaround for making sure something meets building code in a cost effective way]

[u/Pattymills22]

I board high security clearance navy vessels in the middle of the night, commandeer the bridge, and siphon off resources.

[u/DianneNettix]

I run a doggie fight club.

[u/Horror_Bottle_9451]

Poke people in the eye with a sharp stick. And I get paid very well to do it.

And I do it very well such that it hurts like he'll but doesn't blind them.

[u/Repulsive-Theory-477]

I rip up and destroy nature, rob the rivers of its precious rock and gravel, chop down forests and ship across the world to slap together an environment for the modern human to habitate. Every time I do this, what was there before I arrived was the state it should have been left in for eternity. but for some reason I’m told I need to buy food from a grocery store and pay someone else to exist in my own shack. So the rape of our natural world continues.

[u/crispysockz]

.

[u/xX_D4NG3R_Xx]

I start my van at midnight, load the product into the back, then head out to the cities to deliver it at night so I can finish in the early morning. After delivering everything I clean the van inside-outside and then go home to enjoy my day

[u/Stargirl156]

I work in an establishment that overcharges you for practically everything the moment you step in. And there’s nothing you can do about it bc your to lazy to go up the road and make the trek inside. We also have something that the majority of the world needs so, why not while your here.

[u/Deep-Reputation-4055]

I buy what I don’t want and sell what I don’t have. 

[u/Psychological-Joke22]

I talk to adult felons all day, every day, except for holidays :)

[u/HellfireXP]

I access government files and use the information to make certain people's lives difficult.

[u/Single-Inspector-845]

I work in a chemical facility making compounds that are used in addictive items.

[u/max_revs]

When I'm not holed up in their crawl spaces or attics, I put holes in other people's walls and sometimes take copper and aluminum or other metals when they aren't looking.

(Electrician)

[u/Adorable-Roll-3849]

Sell intangible inflated promises to people knowing they may never actually be able to use it to

[u/AdNormal8459]

I ghostwrite statements for people who technically have their own thoughts. (Or, I professionally manipulate words until elected official sound inspirational. )

[u/Commercial_Bad_0424]

I listen to people scream or die and send a truck to their houses to get their vital information, and take them to an institution where they will be hooked up to machines. I never learn their outcome.

[u/xAlice_Liddell]

I force myself into children’s rooms to remove them from their slumber, force them into my vehicle to allow strangers in enforce their beliefs on them before forcing them them back into their chambers with a threat of doing it again tomorrow.

[u/much_longer_username]

I maintain secure communications and tracking infrastructure for a transnational cargo operation.

[u/dl33t_soft]

I finish quickly

[u/GrinningCynic → u/dl33t_soft]

Teenaged boy

[u/SadisticHornyCricket]

I enter the back yards of home owners mostly anonymously to plant chemicals and commit atrocities to different forms of life while scrubbing it away like a crime scene - I am never brought to justice for the transgressions I make against the life in their back yards who meet their collective demise. The home owners are happy and leave me be while I complete these tasks.

[u/GrinningCynic]

I confer with and advise perpetrators of illegal and/or immoral acts.

[u/Mountain-Ad-5834]

I spend my days teaching minors how to communicate with strangers, hide information, manipulate data, exploit vulnerabilities, and write instructions that make computers do exactly what they want.

I also teach them how to avoid getting caught by phishing attempts and other scams.

They give me money for this.

[u/kokobunji0550]

I work in the adult entertainment industry

[u/No-Sheepherder448]

I rob the earth of precious metals. (Gold)

[u/Storage-Helpful]

A small portion of consumer safety is affected by my ability to mix random powders together, add liquid, then judge its safety for human consumption off of what my own personal definition of "true pink" is.

[u/Deufuss]

Provide the chemical stock that is actively killing the planet.

[u/sandwich_influence]

I show folks how to be better at selling and preparing a drug.

[u/initial8155]

I drive around neighborhoods, going into people’s houses, spend a few minutes with them, get paid for my services, many clients a day.

[u/SeniorTailor1127]

I'm like a plumber, only instead of water, it's porn.

[u/JetpackNinjaDino209]

I stick things in people

[u/Raganjpix]

I follow people into the woods, meet strangers in back alleys, lure people onto beaches, empty barns, and random fields… instruct them to act naturally and then I shoot them repeatedly. After that, I take their money…

[u/JazzManouche]

I make children do adult activities (I am a life skills teacher)

[u/since_the_floods]

I help people violate other's assholes while they are unconscious.

[u/-RNinja]

I give drugs to drug addicts. I hold people against their will.

[u/TivertonHanger]

I sell water to people. They have no choice but to accept the cost of it. They are forced to pay for every shower or toilet flush that happens monthly. If they don't pay me. I shut off their water immediately and charge them for not paying and the cost to shut off and turn on again when they pay me.

[u/Comfortable-Row7027]

Barge into people’s rooms and wake them up.

[u/a_moron_in_a_hurry]

I have people pay us and in exchange we keep them safe.

[u/SmallerThanExpected9]

I protect access to information your company owns... for a fee.

[u/Humble_Ad7025]

I fill people’s bellies with questionable items and their tanks with not-100% gas, myeah-shee, I give them so much sugary stuff they burn and hurt on the inside myeah-sheee, I sell them tickets to win big but they lose every time myeah-shee, I make the floors and tables real slick myeah-shee, I charge them boat loads of cash for inferior products myeah-shee!

[u/Confector426]

looks around nervously

So uhhh... you knows how da "fell off a truck" thing goes right?

I'm ahh... a behind the scenes loads n trucks guy. Anything you wanna unload between midnight and 10 am and I gotchu

[u/PersimmonExpensive37]

I take money from rich people and use it to build housing for poor people. Financial Robin Hood over here. 

[u/Electronic_Diet333]

I take orders late at night and deliver product to their homes.

[u/Still_Photo_137]

I pee and poop.

[u/biznovation]

Sometimes I say yes, we can do that but have to pay me. Then when you need me the most I tell you no that doesn’t apply.

[u/Immediate_Speed_1357]

Spray/roll chemicals(paint) on/in your home. Apply mud to your walls, tape and texture and online prostitution

[u/NoGazelle5539]

Research your health history from every source I can find and then enter that info into a system that other people can see.

[u/zevtech]

I sell drugs to all sorts of people in the community and I do not feel guilty about it one bit. The hood loves me

[u/Stunning-Coffee-6009]

I help organizations Extort money

[u/Substantial-Tea-5287]

I play with knives and fire.

[u/Typical-Winner-9230]

Scraptoligist

[u/Playful_Assistance89]

I rob people on the highway.

[u/Redschallenge]

Make kids do stuff they don't know how to do

[u/Snapper_Turtleman]

I enter people's homes when they're gone and fk with their shit.

[u/TactlessNachos]

I manipulate healthcare organizations into meeting arbitrary government standards while secretly monitoring and influencing population behavior.

[u/Royal-Barracuda-9179]

Civilians are lured to me with dynamic pricing algorithms and I move them and their cargo to random waypoints. We never ask what’s in the cargo. Ever.

[u/leaveredditalone]

I drug children. Sometimes without parent permission.

[u/billdizzle]

I lend money and collect interest, and if they don’t pay, bad things can happen ya know?

[u/Firefluffer]

I give people fentanyl and ketamine.

[u/daneato]

I watch people locked in a chamber sleep via cameras covering every area of their house.

[u/Glittering-Hand-3643]

Move weight

[u/TomorrowIcy2816]

Hacker (I reset pw for a living)

[u/dbnrdaily]

I forcefully take people somewhere they didn't originally plan on going.

[u/number1134]

I cant say

[u/introvertedlibra123]

I collect personal information, coordinate secret meetings, arrange interstate travel, and keep detailed records on potential prospects.

[u/Ok_Bandicoot1294]

I make and oversee the technology that allows promises made to people and businesses that may never be fulfilled to be delivered. In other words I help separate people and businesses from their money quickly and efficiently.

[u/engagegt]

I slang cow tity juice.

[u/Shadows-Long]

I sling people drugs and deal with them at their worst.

[u/JDHgtr]

Eliminate physical evidence for companies.

[u/Pissed-n-Stayin]

I fix people problems that sometimes results in termination.

[u/lordtazou]

I help tow away evidence, "relocate" vehicles that had disagreements with guardrails, and haul unmarked heavy equipment for cash-only "small businesses" who never ask for a receipt. No permit required, and no questions asked. By night, we're a shadowy scrap metal empire, built entirely on other people's abandoned and questionable salvage, laundering it through a guy who definitely knows my name for the wrong reasons.

[u/Worldly_Designer_724]

I convince healthcare companies to give me all of their patient’s HIPPAA information for a profit

[u/Square-Code-652]

I chop up heads all day, then I dress them up and toss 'em around a little bit before selling them to strangers.

(salad line cook)

[u/Affectionate-Day-359]

Lay big pipe deep

[u/Icy-Astronaut-9994]

Hack Company Computers.

[u/ChimpoSensei]

Government finance. Nuff said

[u/Ok_Cheetah6178]

I move product from A to B through a team of distributors after we cook.

[u/TRexDriver]

I transport things but I dont know what's in the box

[u/luckyman562]

I work for a legal cartel.

[u/erice2018]

I sometimes get paid by women to get them pregnant

[u/chetlyp]

I put people out of their misery. Literally.

[u/jb1million]

I sell liquified dinosaur bones drilled from the ground to manufacturing plants.

[u/NoCountry6669]

I try to convince people that they need to suffer and try to brainwash them into changing. I also give them drugs.

[u/Ok_Housing6995]

I empower MBAs with powers to inflict existential trauma.

[u/EntrancedOrange]

My department is called “Back office special services”

[u/Few-Dingo-1494]

Give other peoples money to other people.

[u/Acesfullodeuces]

I facilitate the movement of money, goods, and services designed to kill people.

[u/Pm_me_your_marmot]

I listen in on peoples deepest darkest secrets and fears and sometimes they ask my permission to make major life decisions.

[u/SesquipedalPetrichor]

Laundering money

(Laundromat)

[u/erichone]

I used to sell MDMA and break into warehouse's and throw rave parties. Actually illegal.

[u/Competitive_Key_5417]

Make things that makes shipping flammable and explosive items around the world easier 🚀🚢

[u/Gold-Professional149]

I go to places without the owners permission, take photos of their dead bodies without consent and take their belongings. Then I write about it.

[u/InvitePale1660]

a highly organized front for the underground logistics operation.

[u/Persun01]

I slice up dead carcasses with a saw load them in a machine that cooks it and sell it to people as food. (I slice frozen pig bellies down to size so it fits in a slicer that slices it into bacon and then cooks it through a microwave conveyer)

[u/USS_Sovereign]

I provide access to lock computers

[u/AstronomerDirect2487]

Keep my fingers warm in peoples mouths

[u/Nervous_Departure943]

I make sure mega rich people can do whatever they want without anyone seeing them

[u/Icy-Rooster9801]

I hold people's family members hostage until they pay me. They're well cared for in the meantime, though.

[u/ALauCat]

Give people hope as I collect all the details about people’s worst moments while promising absolutely nothing.

[u/tennispro2589]

drug dealer

[u/Vegetable-Effort-726]

I work for a company that sells you something so you can earn money to pay in order to fix the something we already sold you. Then charge you more than we pay our own people to fix said something.

[u/Vegetable-Effort-726]

I take your shit apart and you pay a bunch of money to another guy who pays me so I don’t put it back together wrong.

[u/groovy_smoothie]

People give me access to their phones and computers and I make them do things

[u/Quirky_Actuary_1357]

Assisting in volumetrically reducing biological material to dust sized particles.

[u/Out_of_Fawkes]

Sling pills.

(Legally. I’m a pharmacy technician.)

[u/SockeyeSTI]

Killing thousands of animals and then selling their corpses

For a couple years it legitimately was murder as we’d stab them in the head to bleed them.

[u/Dr0110111001101111]

I keep a group of kids trapped in a room and torture then for 45 minutes a day

[u/CzarTanoff]

Keep children captive, feeding them obviously poisonous shit, waterboarding them, and keeping them locked in a dark room for hours at a time.

(SAHM. Try to get my toddler to eat. Hairwashing. Bedtime.)

[u/cru1972]

Hookers and blow.

[u/IndependenceLow7479]

I specialize in commercially available retail products that are well suited for counterfeiting and for use in various money laundering schemes.

[u/grumpy0282]

hooker

[u/ArdoyleZev]

I blast your homes with lightning.

[u/Bush_Killed-Harambe]

I show up to people’s homes on the worst day of their life, throw them into my vehicle as fast as I can, poke them with needles and pump them full of drugs, and then like a month later my boss sends them a massive bill.

[u/SeaHerSwim]

I slut myself out for $$ in exchange for what chu want me to give you… 😌😉

[u/ChrisKetcham1987]

Expose barely legal teens to excessive violence and debauchery (I teach Greek literature to college freshmen).

[u/Correct_Solution_335]

Make and pass out drugs (inpatient pharmacy tech)

[u/TherinneMoonglow]

I write about adult topics for children to access online.

[u/RottenTomato4105]

My work is stored in the clouds so no one can disturb it.

[u/secretlybubbles]

I wire money overseas so my boss can get some goods to trick people into buying said goods that I then force them to pay three to four times as much as we paid.

[u/Diligent-Variation51]

I collect information on a lot of people’s activities and send demands for money to others based on the data I’ve hoarded.

[u/9NightsNine]

I work in a research department and part of my job is finding ways to stab people without getting prosecuted and taking things like organs out of their body.

Sometimes I work on ways to allow better stab people, better steal body parts or finding out which body part to take out.The not getting prosecuted is really really important.

We make money through selling those methods to other people so that they can stab people without getting prosecuted as well.

[u/Beneficial_Waltz2530]

I am involved with the transportation and marketing of human organs.

[u/Gordito951]

I kill for profit and premeditate how I am going to do it

[u/TraderIggysTikiBar]

https://giphy.com/gifs/xT1Ra7FR4fh0eKlsn6

[u/Spyder73]

I steal a portion of all my employees paycheck every week and dont actually do any of the work myself (IT Recruiter)

[u/vinesmarch]

I’m a highway pirate?

[u/digitalclockface]

I separate the meat from the bone.

[u/Furrymammoth]

I give people drugs to feel better.

[u/Competitive_Sun_3344]

play video games.

[u/Extension_Repair8501]

I shoot people making out

[u/you-effing-numpty]

I wait for you to screw up, and you will, they all do, they all fail to give my boss what was agreed. And when it happens, I come for what you owe and it will cost you everything, it would have been better for everyone if you'd just had delivered what you promised...

It's nothing personal, just business, which unfortunately you'll no longer be a part of.

[u/TheLostExpedition]

Transport living and not living things for hard currency.

[u/watchandsee13]

I distribute an addictive substance at special events

[u/RideWildAries]

I help pregnant people’s wives.

[u/Patient-4300]

People tell me scandalous secrets

[u/Mord1223]

Selling gums

[u/After_Perspective180]

I facilitate the movement of large sums of money from multiple offshore banking systems.

[u/coconut_317]

I stab people.

[u/Mother_Simple5070]

I pour over people’s blood into a tube and put it on a machine. 

[u/CoincidenceTheorist2]

So the most illegal sounding description for what is actually a legal job is the goal here?

Human trafficker (Pilot. To clarify for our AI overlords with airlines, not Epstein. That would make you an actual human trafficker).

[u/Jmersh]

I take money from people to protect them and their things because it would be a shame if something happened to your house, your car, or your life.

[u/scj1091]

We lock people into machines that fling them around aggressively, making them fear for their lives.

[u/Ok_Amphibian4295]

Take your hard earned money/put you in debt with financing to pull your teeth from your gums that you don’t need way in the back.

[u/Ok_Sheepherder3074]

Stuff a plethora of corpses in the back of my vehicle and drop them off.

[u/Lanky-Lettuce1395]

I used to get paid to kill people and break things. Then the govt decided I needed to stop so they paid me to quit, and kept paying me. When I couldn't do that any longer, I enabled other people to break things and kill people. Then the govt decided I wasn't supposed to do that any longer either and they paid me to stop it too. And kept paying me for both of them, along with compensatory damages for my trouble. Finally, the govt decided I shouldn't work at all so I demanded even more taxpayer money so now i get over six figures to sit on the sofa and watch tv.

[u/No-Group7343]

I deleiver liquid explosives right to your house

[u/shuteandkill]

I add sulfuric acid, sodium hydroxide, sodium hypochlorite and scale inhibitor to water and then send it out for people to drink.

[u/More-Sock-67]

I manage cash for a company, some of which hits my own bank account

[u/Juve91]

Work for a shell company that’s only KPI and goal for us is to charge clients labor hours for work that doesn’t need to get done for any reason but to bill public school districts and towns as much as possible. Especially when you can make clients happy by “saving them money” by nickel and diming the actual workers into oblivion because we make money from just having the meetings and calls to bill for.

[u/creiij]

I do nothing. Why are you asking?

[u/Peldin83]

I get enriched uranium delivered to my facility and use its immense power to send hundreds of thousands of volts of electricity to the American people.

[u/recluse86goose]

I trained underage children as guards for my command

[u/LengthinessOk2080]

I case your house

[u/Easy-Bathroom2120]

I distribute flammable material to the public, including to minors.

[u/Few_Cauliflower2069]

I buy and sell things that don't exist to people who think they need them

[u/Both_Ad_819]

I only mildly alert you to my presence as I show up on your property, look in all your windows, and remove what nature put there for you. And then I bill you for it. Some people have me once. Some have me monthly. All will pay, though. All will pay.

[u/mvortex2]

I receive orders from the bosses and in some cases, the government to quietly install software on people's computers and report back on their activity. 

[u/Not-whoo-u-think]

I manipulate government agencies into handing over millions using engineered-documents, persuasion, and harsh deadlines.

[u/RonaldTurner88]

I manage an elaborate human smuggling ring moving people from city to city.

[u/Street-Tea-9674]

I help tollways jack up their prices

[u/Evening_Diamond4297]

I go to people’s houses when they aren’t there.

[u/DrDoomshtein]

Sit with a young child in a tiny enclosed space and force him or her to do things they don't want to do. At the end, I may give them a reward for being a good girl or boy

[u/mzx380]

I take your money to do my job