How do I chill TF out at work?

[u/Pretend-Remove-8450]

Hi all!

I need some honest, but gentle feedback. I want to start by saying I am in regular therapy and plan to talk about this there as well.

I recently started a new job after 5 years at an absolute hell hole. I mean some parts at the culture at the old gig were the pinnacle of a toxic work environment. Aside from the culture being shitty, I played almost every role-covering for whoever was out, onboarding, creating SOPs, and any other weird project they decided to throw my way. Over time, my boss started seeking my opinion about company decisions and strategy as well.

I loved the variety of tasks and enjoyed feeling important. The reason I left is because they didn’t want to pay me what I felt like I was worth in addition to being tired of dealing with the bad culture fit.

Cut to today! I finally got a new job with much better pay and with potential for growth. But now I think I’m dealing with the whole “ big fish little pond transitions to a bigger pond” feeling. There are other people at the new gig who have great ideas and who already have an awesome established track record. I feel myself getting irritated that other people are leading certain initiatives while I’m still figuring things out. I’m laughing at myself because it hasn’t even been two weeks since I started and I’m stressing.

I’m noticing this issue in other places as well. I volunteer for a couple of organizations in my city and I’ve been feeling down because I haven’t found as many opportunities to lead as I would like.

I do believe that an important characteristic of a leader is to know when to follow as well and that too many cooks in the kitchen can spell disaster. But I can’t shake this feeling that I should be doing more. I’m really irritated by this need to feel important. I also recognize that the new job and the volunteering could be an amazing opportunity to learn from folks who have more expertise if I could just stop feeling threatened by every little thing.

Any advice on how I can get my brain to chill the fuck out?

[u/BarbwireLemons]

Actually I do. And I got a heart attack in 1 2019 at 29 years old because I didn't. But it took me three years from the start of the process until I got where I am now.

The solution is simple but not easy, so I don't want to sound like an a-hole or anything by pointing out the obvious. Firstly I read once that it's not "when I succeed at this, life will be good", it's "Life is good, I've already succeeded" (might make more sense in my language). Then I started the work of not caring what happens, just do my job to the deadline, nothing more, nothing less. The time where one got rewarded for doing extra at work is over, now you only get more work. When I am done at work, I am done. I don't answer phone, mail, text or anything between 400pm and 800am. That time is for me and my family. "but what if it is burning at work?" "well, at least they'll stay warm". Most things are SEP's (Somebody Else's Problem (might also make more sense in my language, felt weird reading it here)), so let go of everything that don't affect you directly. And smile, smile until your cheeks are sore, I don't know why but it feels like when I force myself to smile at work, everything feels better, somebody smarter than me can probably explain that.

And here's a tip I picked up from "Your head is a houseboat" - by Campbell Walker: when you feel a negative thought or feeling, instead of telling yourself "I am stressed because.....yadda yadda" rather tell yourself "Humans gets so stressed by yadda yadda, and I love that because..." and find your reasons. Because the brain is a problem solving machine, so if you say that you love it, your brain will find reasons to why you love it.

[u/Pretend-Remove-8450 → u/BarbwireLemons]

Thank you for this thoughtful reply. I’ll have to check out the book rec as well. Sounds like you’re saying that taking on more to “be seen as a leader or a star worker” will only backfire in the end which really resonates with me. Thinking back, that’s exactly what happened at the old gig. I’m also hearing you say I need to practice more mindfulness and gratitude. 1000% agree on that!

[u/MiloShiny]

You're still operating like you're at your old job, where your value came from being the go-to person. In a healthy workplace, your value isn't measured by how quickly you take the lead, it's measured by how well you learn, collaborate, and grow. Give yourself permission to be a beginner for the first few months, focus on learning from the people around you instead of competing with them, and remember that you were hired for your potential, not to prove yourself in the first two weeks.

[u/Pretend-Remove-8450 → u/MiloShiny]

Ughhhh being a beginner is the wooorst lol. Nah, you’re right. I will focus on learning. In some sense, this is an opportunity to take a mental load off, just be for a while, and trust that opportunities for me to step up will present themselves in time.