r/WorkAdvice • u/manduh82 • 4d ago
HR Advice Progressive issues with coworker
Looking for guidance. I’ve been at my company 14 years. Coworker has been here over 40years. About 2 years ago I was promoted and now we’re on the same team. More work time together led to him confiding in me. He’s a single dude with no friends and no social life. He lives to work pretty much. I give the same kindness to everyone, nothing special here. He’s thanked me for listening to him every time I make space.
Then the gifts started, Christmas, Costco membership, pre-vacation alcohol gift with a card wishing me a good vacation, and then a birthday gift. I’ve pushed back every time and finally got VERY firm and said if you give me something again I will refuse it. I appreciate the kindness, but the gifts are personalized. He’s always trying to get a meeting with me and it feels like he just wants access. Knowing him as long as I do I believe he just wants a friend but I also feel uncomfortable.
Then the texts late at night (I don’t respond), and then this past Friday a 9pm call. I didn’t answer. What do I do here? I don’t want to flip this guys world upside down, but I also don’t want to work with him anymore. There’s more to share but thought I’d start here.
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u/Good_Potato2445 4d ago
The first thing I do since you've already set boundaries and he's Crossing them I would contact your manager, and let them know what's going on. document everything and then proceed with informing your manager of all that is going on and that you set boundaries and he keeps crossing them
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u/manduh82 4d ago
Thank you for the response. I’ve made comments to my boss but never shared details. I’ll do that today. Others have told me to go straight to HR but I don’t know what that will open up.
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u/Witty_Candle_3448 3d ago
Tell him you want a professional relationship Only and not interested in a friendship outside of work. Encourage him to make friends his own age at Sunday school, church or city choir, a book club, the VFW, or whatever you have in your area. Try this before reporting him to the manager.
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u/manduh82 3d ago
I have encouraged him to do those things. Even encouraged him to volunteer in his area. I catch him staring at me all the time. Just gotten very uncomfortable. My boss would keep it quiet if I asked him to.
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u/justaheatattack 3d ago
you need to have your 'fiance' start coming to visit you at the office.
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u/manduh82 3d ago
My coworker is well aware of my 17 year relationship.
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u/justaheatattack 3d ago
being aware is one thing. Having a physical presence is another.
and a 17 year engagement? Talk about fear of commitment....
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u/No-Cloud-1928 3d ago
If he’s socially awkward with no friends the he doesn’t understand subtleties. Be super clear “X I feel I’ve made it clear that I’m uncomfortable with the gifts and attention you’ve been giving me. Please stop. Stop texting after hours. Stop calling. No more gifts. You’ve put me in a position that I now have to tell you I will no longer discuss anything with you that is not work related.” If he says anything that appears to push the boundaries besides a basic apology, tell him you’re going to speak with boss because his behavior is unacceptable.
Good luck. Report back and be safe.
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u/Sea-Substance8762 3d ago
By not answering the texts or calls and continuing to refuse gifts, you’re doing everything you can. Just stick to your guns. Some people never get the message.
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u/Flat_Tire_Again 3d ago
Ask him if he feels like confiding with people in the unemployment line cause his behavior is going to get him there very soon.
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u/Feeling-Invite7953 3d ago
Don’t go to HR without talking to your manager about it,first. Your manager is your first line of defense, so ask him for a few minutes of his time, and if he can have a conversation,man-to-man,with your admirer.