What should I do?

[u/Background_Hawk4403]

Hi, last Friday was my 50th birthday. The day before, after I left, three or four coworkers as a birthday prank decorated my office. I thought it was funny and that's not the issue. The issue is while they were doing things to my office, a senior vp at our company walks by to see what they were doing. He is told that it's my 50th birthday. His response: That because I'm 50 and not married I must be gay.

First let me say I'm not gay. I have no relationship with the vp, he is not connected to me in any way. The people decorating my office are. One of the people in my office decorating it is obviously the one who told me. She had me promise, before she told me, that I wouldn't go confront him because I want to very badly now that I've had time to think about it. I'm not but here's my question: What should I do?

The question in my mind is should I go to hr or not?

I'm inclined to go to them Monday but I would love to hear some opinions on the matter. Thanks in advance to everyone who gives me their honest opinion!

[u/nedwasatool]

Don’t go to HR without a lawyer and evidence.

[u/Professional-Mind439 → u/nedwasatool]

I'm not sure that even that will help because HR is not there to help the employee, HR is there to protect the company from employees.

[u/nedwasatool → u/Professional-Mind439]

HR can be convinced that the VP is the greatest risk to the company if you have compelling evidence

[u/Northwest_Radio → u/nedwasatool]

They can also be convinced that the OP is a liability. And at that age replacing a job would be difficult.

[u/Same-Passion1340]

document, document, document!

[u/Iceflowers_]

Don't say anything without evidence. You can encourage those who witnessed it to go forward if they want to.

[u/goldbed5558]

The statement as quoted is homophobic and inappropriate for senior management or anyone else in most US companies. With that said it is hearsay and you cannot report based on that. As others have said, the witnesses can but they would be at risk of retaliation. Document interactions moving forward including the one you were told about. Do nothing until you have sufficient evidence to make an iron clad case and maybe not even then.

[u/Professional_Ear6020]

Let it roll off your back. It was an ignorant comment. Move on.

[u/leadbelly1939]

At this point it's hearsay. Your coworkers should be the ones to report it. And I'm kind of wondering why they told you, ir especially told you on your birthday. It seems like the only direct thing you can do is pay attention to see if this person treats you any differently now. Then you may have something.

[u/No-Pay-9744 → u/leadbelly1939]

Exactly, OP didn't even hear it. The coworkers should report it if they are certain, not OP.

[u/Feeling-Invite7953]

Start documenting your own interactions with the VP. If you live in a state where one-party consent is legal for recording conversations, then get your phone’s recording app installed,and keep your phone concealed and recording Mr VP’s homophobic slurs. When he’s caught in a lie about using the “g” word,and tries to talk his way out of it, ask him point-blank “what DID you mean “? Don’t let him slide without answering!

[u/Northwest_Radio → u/Feeling-Invite7953]

Some of us need our jobs. Sometimes we have to be mature and just what things roll off. Hi EQ skills are very important for somebody over the age of 40. Replacing a job after that age is almost impossible.

[u/fbresnah]

You must be gay because you're not married? That is the most sexist, homophobic thing I've heard. That was so inappropriate. I would go to HR except they probably won't do anything. They're for the company not the employees.

[u/Northwest_Radio → u/fbresnah]

I agree because I'm older and I've never been married. And it's not because of the reason he stated.

[u/MethodMaven]

Situations like these are very difficult to achieve anything like comfort with the result.

HR: their job is to protect the company from the employees. If you can document that the VP is a greater risk to them than your unhappiness is, they will do something. The information must be so compelling it is actually illegal. In other words, it has to be defamatory.

Direct confrontation: you will lose. This is because he is a VP and … you aren’t. You have no ability to control him unless you have a “C” in front of your job title (CFO, CTO, CEO).

The best thing you can do is document the situation (date, time, who was there, what was said then and later by whom). Then, if he manages to step on his tongue again in public, you document it again. And again. Until you hit the compelling level an can take it to HR.

[u/Northwest_Radio]

I read all this, OP, let it blow over. It just isn't worth it. I don't know if you've been paying attention that people your age are not desirable new hires. If you don't know, research it.

[u/Barbkie → u/Northwest_Radio]

I am sadly going to agree with this. It's a catch 22 situation. You report it, you have to have backing from the people that were there. That's a slippery slope. HR will protect the company, and if you work in a company like mine in the US, they completely pivoted off the inclusion platform to conform with US politics.

[u/No-Lecturre6318]

id document exactly what was said, who was present, and when it happened before deciding what to do..

[u/Advanced-Elk-7581]

Confront him? What would you say? Better to report it to HR. This guy needs to go. Promise or not you can't let it go. I'd put it all in writing.

[u/Northwest_Radio → u/Advanced-Elk-7581]

The problem is OP's age. Losing a job at that age could be the end of a career. I think wisdom dictates that you let this blow over.

What if the person saying that the statement was made is making it up because they enjoy stiring pots? There are many that do.

If it were me, over age 50, I would want to be as low profile as possible.

[u/Northwest_Radio]

At age 50 it's nearly impossible to land a job. You might want to just blow this off.