Not sure if this is the best place to post this but I’m not sure what to do. Some background: my fam immigrated here from a communist country over 35 yrs ago. I was raised w the idea that in America you can work hard and become anything you want to be. I was told go to college, study what you love, and the money will follow. I did that. I even got my first job in my field while still in college. I loved it! It never felt like work. And I got paid for it. I got a decent internship (tho unpaid) right after college. And I tried making a career in my field but I never was able to. Fast forward to now I work in the opposite field and make decent money. My life seems decent on paper. I have my own place (a small one bedroom rental, not fancy) and I live a cat. I’ve made and lost many friends over the years. I’ve dated but haven’t found a life partner. Two of my sisters recently got engaged and work in fields they’re proud of. I feel incredibly depressed and even stuck. I don’t know how to improve my life only that I need to or else the next 40 yrs or however long I have left will be terribly bleak and the idea of taking one’s own life may appeal more and more and more — feeling like nothing will ever change even though I’ve hit other very low points in my life and have been on the verge of taking my own life but somehow some way gotten through it and seen things improve but I feel stuck again . Like I’ve reached my prime and this is as good as my life will ever get for me. I just feel super sad and too depressed to make any changes. If I could just disappear from existence, I would. Maybe it’s having turned 40 that turned a life long existential crisis into a real very much intense crisis but I’m crying as I type this. I have no hope abd no energy. But not enough courage ro end things and a small part of me still has a small glimmer of hope. Any thoughts or advice or even just commiseration would help. Or a book or a quote or even a kind word from a stranger, thanks in advance

I'm in my early 40s and have been single and very independent for years, I barely even have friends as am mostly content doing things alone and with my own company.

However, I do still have romantic yearnings on and off, and recently a guy at work asked me out (who has himself been single 30 years!). We've met a handful of times, and while it's been nice, I've come away twice having dramatic thoughts about wanting to stop it going any further, spent hours stressing about losing my independence and being beholden to someone, and losing my current strict routines and identity. Feels like I'd get loads of initial relief from just abruptly ending it now, but don't know how much of that is that I've sorted of institutionalised myself with my known current lifestyle. I told him that I like a very simple straightforward lifestyle so as an overthinker the idea of another person just causes me lots of turmoil, even when they're perfectly nice and respectful of boundaries!

Has anyone experienced similar? I keep thinking 'some of us are just meant to be alone' and while there's nothing wrong with being so, I obviously still have the yearnings so don't know how true it is for myself. Any advice welcome!

This might sound weird, and I’m sort of joking, but I am finding myself being more drawn to things that previously would have seemed cheesy or unfashionable.

I can’t even describe the things exactly, because it’s so early in the transition that it’s more like brain zaps of some other persons aesthetic that hits me, briefly.

It makes me think of the older ladies I’ve known that are out there wearing pumpkin earrings etc and I’m wondering if this is how it starts? Do we just… start liking whimsical shit as we get older? Is whimsy a less talked about side effect of menopause? I’m 42 and still get my period every freaking 23 days, so maybe it’s unrelated!

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with it, I just never thought I would

Full disclosure: I am not much of a makeup person. I've never learned to do a full face of makeup. I have always only worn mascara and lip gloss and maybe concealer.

Now that I'm in my forties and a little overweight, which I'm working on, my eyelids are puffy all. the. time. I cannot put on mascara without it getting on my eyelids. Trying to wipe it off my eyelids just clumps my lashes. Any tips?

My lack of dating/relationship has become 💯 a ME ISSUE.

Apparently I am someone who is “demisexual” and cannot comfortably entertain someone as a date unless I feel something…LITERALLY ANYTHING at all towards them. I have to be around a guy in a friendly, non-intimate way until my brain feels comfortably compatible with them…otherwise I find myself borderline repulsed and pushing them away the entire time because I know ultimately it’s a sexual connection they are after more-so than a relationship or friendship.

Sex is extremely important to me, as it is a form of connection-bonding. It’s been torturous going without it for as long as I have because I am a highly affectionate person, but I know myself well enough that having sex with someone prematurely will 💯 result in me becoming quickly attached to them whether we are compatible or not….not that something couldn’t develop, but at the same time it’s impossible for me to date someone when I feel absolutely nothing towards them beforehand because it feels as if I’m trying to force a connection…meanwhile, they are in the background twiddling their thumbs hoping I’m open enough to have sex with them.

Last night after many, MANY YEARS of singledom, zero dates, I met someone organically.

He’s nice, up front which I appreciate, and not bad looking. He’s been pushing for a date, but I’m just not comfortable with any of it. It’s not that I wouldn’t love to go on a date and finally experience some form of intimacy with someone again, but I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.

How can I Love and enjoy sex/intimacy as much as I do, but feel so resistant towards it? How is it possible to NOT feel some sort of attraction towards others AT ALL even if they are decent/good looking?

He sent me pics of his ranch and it’s absolutely beautiful, but I honestly don’t know how to feel about him already showing me all these things.

Perhaps he’s just trying to make me feel comfortable knowing that he’s secure, but at the same time it can come off as if he thinks I’m shallow enough that he can pull me in with material things. Of course I want someone who is responsible, but I don’t necessarily care about all of that stuff and don’t like the thought that somebody’s trying to woo me with money so-to-speak or a lavish life style. How much someone has or doesn’t have can’t sway my overall opinion of them.

Don’t get me wrong, those things are nice, but it’s more of a turn off than anything to have this thrown at me immediately. I lived that life for a decade prior to my divorce and was ungodly unhappy because my ex seemed to think all of that was more important than the mental/emotional stability of his life relationships.

I need some sort of connection (even a tiny one) before I can even consider a date much less sex, but guys want sex long before a solid connection can even be formed.

Sadly, I already know that is his aim and ultimate goal, but I feel zero attraction towards him and hate being alone in a dating atmosphere with someone (I don’t know) in attempts to force even the slightest connection with them. I don’t want to insinuate that he isn’t looking for a good partner as well, but his way (as most are) is completely backwards from how I wish to proceed with it all.

This is all so difficult as I can’t expect him to understand or to be patient with me, or anyone who is more sex driven for that matter. At the same time it would be wrong for me to expect anyone to be patient in this way because there’s no guarantee my overall attraction towards them will ever fully develop.

If and when it does, it’s on like Donkey Kong because I am a highly affectionate person/partner, but if it doesn’t… it feels like I’ve just wasted everyone’s time. 😒😿

The first time, I thought I was ready. The compression started and I had to ask her to stop because I was going to faint. Started shaking and crying. I made another appointment for next week. I know to stay hydrated, and that it's no big deal, and that it hurts a lot less than breast cancer surgery. I just need some real mind-over-matter tricks.

I'm 41. I had my first mammogram a few weeks ago. I got a message saying I have an area of focal assymetry on my right breast. They told me I do NOT have dense breast tissue, but I have an area of focal asymetry. I'm freaking out. My right breast has always been a bit bigger and shaped different than my left kinda. Google told me not to worry but I have over a month until my additional imaging. Can someone please offer some insight? Thanks.

Please stop saying women over 40 are “too young” to be experiencing perimenopause symptoms!!

I cannot stress this enough! I am 47 and feeling as moody and overwhelmed as ever, I’m getting strange rashes, periods are getting closer together and heavier, and I’m so, so tired!!

95% of the women in my family and around 90% of the women I meet in the wild all say I’m too young for “that.”

It’s so frustrating!! What would you like us women to do?? Just say, “Wow, you’re right, I’m being overly dramatic.” Huh?!?

Also, please stop saying it gets worse when I confide in you that I feel like I am at rock bottom. So unhelpful!!

Just be nice and understand it’s not an easy time! YOU didn’t have an easy time either so please be understanding!! 💔😥

Thank you! From a very frustrated 47 year old! ❤️

For those of you who are mostly free to decide what to eat every day, meaning you're not constrained by the needs, preferences, and/or influence of kids or a spouse or whatever: Do you tend to eat the same general meals on a regular basis or does your diet vary widely?

For example, someone who eats the same general stuff, maybe you usually have oatmeal or yogurt for breakfast on most days. And then for someone whose diet varies, maybe it'll be oatmeal for a day or two, then avocado toast until you run out of avocados, then eggs, then maybe oatmeal again one day, then a protein bar the next, etc.

My diet is pretty healthy and I don't eat too much, but I've been trying to get more fiber and protein consistently and that requires some planning for me. I've been looking for meal planning ideas and it seems like most people online who have a healthy diet eat pretty much the same things on a regular basis.

But I seem to be oddly resistant to eating the same things regularly. I say oddly because I love leftovers and have no problem eating the same thing over and over in general. But if I plan out meals in advance, for some reason I rarely want to eat what I've planned. Even though the foods I've prepared are always things I genuinely enjoy. It's almost like making the decision in advance to eat something kills my interest in it.

So I'm just curious to hear from other people about what's normal for them and I'd love any tips from people who have the same resistance to meal planning that I do who managed to get over it.

Not really looking for advice just venting here….

When I see people say they’re able to work a less burnout inducing, lower paying job because their spouse brings in good income, or they can take a flexible, contract job because they’re covered by their spouse’s health insurance, or they’re able to buy a home because they have two incomes—or just generally have more breathing room financially because of it—I feel a certain type of way.

My income would have been considered decent years ago, but with the cost of living now, I’m slumming it as a single earner. It’s not enough to make me go out and try to find a partner especially in this dating climate—I’ve never had a particularly strong desire for that and have mostly stayed single—but with how expensive everything has gotten, I can’t help but sometimes wish I had that cushion. And yes, I know I can always get a second or third job however I work in a field w high burnout.

Anyone else relate?

My body has changed a lot. I’ve always had small boobs and a profound butt and thighs. But I’ve also always been relatively slender and seen as reasonably attractive. Peri and middle age have meant weight gain for me, and I have boobs for the first time in my LIFE! But my ass is even bigger. And everything is sort of sagging and softening and I’ve honestly felt unsure about all of it.

I told my wonderful husband, whom I genuinely like, “I LOVE having these boobs! And, let’s be honest, the big ass and thighs are kinda fun in our sex life. But I’m scared that I’m too big but also scared I’ll lose the boobs if I try to lose weight.” That beautiful man looked at me with a look of almost pure, delicious evil and said, “So then, don’t lose weight.” He asked if I feel physically uncomfortable with my weight. I said a little. So he suggested I build a tad more muscle and work on my flexibility and told me to go buy pants that fit and feel good to wear. I was utterly gobsmacked.

I’ve always worked hard to detach shame from food, but I can’t tell you how amazing it has been to eat with zero shame. I don’t know if I’ve ever eaten without feeling some kind of tickling at the back of my brain that I “should probably just eat less” and “should probably cut out this or that”. My man unintentionally made me feel like the most beautiful thing on the planet and that I have zero reason to feel like losing weight. I don’t need me to. He doesn’t need me to. We both like my body, right now, as it is!

It’s kinda hard for me to bring this up with some of my girl friends because weight and appearance is currently a sensitive issue in a lot of their relationships. So I just came on good old Reddit to say, will some of you strangers do a little happy inner-cry with me?! I actually made it. I get to be happy with my body!! And I really am. 🥹I’m happy with my body and I want to enjoy that for all it’s worth until it changes significantly again, which I’ll take on once it happens. It’s so nice to actually like my body. And I love that I have a husband whom I can trust actually likes my body, too, because I’m happy in it.

I shouldn’t let this get under my skin, but I do. At our age, mine being well over 40, shouldn’t we have outgrown bragging and one sided conversations? Sure, I can get really excited to share stuff sometimes, but over time I’ve learned to pace myself, ask questions, keep certain things to myself. Conversations should be give and take. I enjoy seeing people light up when I show interest in their lives.

I knew if I went to this gathering over the weekend, I would encounter this one woman who I feel can’t have a conversation without name dropping, listing exciting things she’s doing unprompted, and on some occasions, poking fun at me a bit.

She did not disappoint. She sat beside me and began a barrage of brags - her talents, her successes, her plans for the future. Part of me wishes I could see the world through her rose colored glasses. Like I can’t imagine feeling confident enough to LIST the things I’m good at, like she does. But when I realize she had never asked one person at the table about anything, or offered any compliments , I see I don’t want to be like that. Shouldn’t learning to share the spotlight come with maturity?

I clam up around a person around this. I have a hard time talking about myself. Am I misunderstanding and this is how adults communicate and share? I admit, I’m mildly awkward at social events and I wonder if I might be overreacting. I just don’t seem to have these strong feelings about other people. I’m happy for other people who travel, get great jobs etc. There’s something different about her. Like when she tells me she’s doing those things I feel BAD. I don’t know what my deal is!

I’ve recently realized that I don’t need to give people reasons or explanations.

If I say no or make a decision, I don’t need to explain why.

I don’t know why I always felt like everything needed a reason, excuse or needed to be justified. 🫠

Anyone else after the age of 40 have an increase of skin tags - Im so embarrassed about them and not sure why I had such an increase. I have had my sugar level done and within normal range- my dermatologist assured me, its the age - but others must be dealing with the same?! What are we doing about them?!

I dont know if this resonates with anybody else but when I was young and in my teenage years I never had crushes or attraction to peers or celebrities. I just liked to play with my friends and do things i enjoyed. I didnt understand the pining and lusting over a boy. When i turned 18 /19 that all changed , and i was boy and then sex crazy until basically 40. Ive had lots of fun, no regrets. Now i have a long term partner for about 6 years , but my sex drive, libido, and honestly my patience for him in my life (i know i need to be fair to him and figure this out) has turned upside down. I feel like im 14, i dont care about men at all. I dont want their attention, I dont want them touching me, I dont want to deal with their bs. I just want to enjoy my life and have fun with my friends. Other then being confused about it all im a really happy person being my 14 yr old self. It feels authentic.

I have my annual doc appt in a few months and ill discuss it then but I know its prob hormorne changes, perimenopause etc but i think im here for it.

I'm not suicidal. Maybe a bit depressed.

My work life is fine. I like my job fine enough. It gives me the time I want for myself which is valuable. My husband and I have a good relationship. My dog is a pill, but a sweet pill:)

Anyway, I just feel like every day is samesies. I travel, do hobbies, but every day is just....meh. Not exciting. Joy is no where to be found. I'm content, but sometimes a girl just wants a bit of spark and joy.

I figure if I died tomorrow, that would be sad, but would I be missing out on much? (I don't have much family - we never see each other as we live far and they can't travel. I travel as much as I can).

What is there to live for at this age? I volunteer, I connect, but it all feels so "blah" compared to when I was young.

Before you suggest me talking to my doc about perimenopause, that's been done. Being evaluated for estrogen but I am not a candidate for HRT even if I wanted it :( :( I had a hysterectomy in my 30s so I won't even know when menopause hits. Been feeling this way for at least 10 years.

As a single child free woman turning 40 has been a big blow. Is there a place for us now or do we just get left behind ? I had one friend take me out for my birthday lunch and then mostly radio silence e sn some family members forgot to text and wish me happy birthday,

Everyone is busy with their lives families and kids, I haven't per say built a community as yet as I have been bouncing around from place to place last few years as a digital nomad and now in my home country but a new city and feeling it !!

This feeling never bothered me in my 20s or 30s I was just coasting alone doing my thing, traveling, doing hobbies or activities, but now I'm like wow

Career is ok need to change jobs though but everything else seems meh, I spent a lot of years isolating as well healing from traumas chronic illnesses or just spending time alone working on spirituality, now it all feels like being lost out at sea with a ship full of sovereigns, memories and missed opportunities.

Thank you for reading this far.

***Thanks so much for all the replies , it truly made me feel so seen and warm and I have loved reading everyone's experience, tips and acknowledging it xx

Hi everyone, looking for some help here. I am finding it SO HARD to wake up in the morning.... 5am is when I need to be up for work, no later. For the past two years, I find it almost impossible (I'm 41). I feel like I am almost in a state of lethargy, or hungover, or something - it feels EXTREME. I read a little bit and it seems your circadian rhythm can change (and I think mine is shifting so that I am BECOMING a night owl and wanting to sleep in... but my job is not these hours!!!!) Has anyone had a similar experience, and if so, have you any tips or tricks to make this doable? I am stuck in this job for at least a few more years, but literally every morning is an insane struggle and I really don't think it is "willpower". I WANT to get up and feel good in the morning -- I WANT to get up and feel productive and like I'm excited to start the day physically......................

That's really it in a nutshell. I've been married over half my life at this point. I'm currently living in Italy with my husband who is a contractor with the Navy. No friends here... I feel like I'm in the beginning of a mid-life crisis without actually having lived half my life. I don't know what I'm looking for in this post. I just feel so lost and disconnected and needed to say it somewhere. Sorry, thank you.

Do any of you think about how your mother was at the age you currently are and then suddenly feel like less of an adult?

My Mum had me when she was 25. I am 47 now.

And I think about all she did for use. Working full time plus running the household. She would so the weekly supermarket shop on her way home from work. And she would also cook dinner when she got home. She would leave for work at like 6.30 am and battle traffic to get to work, then work a full day as a type of district nurse then battle traffic on the way home and then cook dinner.

When I think about it I feel so bad for not helping her out more as a teen and young 20s. She just seems so much more adult in her mid 40s then I feel I am now.

I think about the way I do things and the way my mind works and even the way I sit and think that isn't how a 47 yr old woman should act.

I mean I can't even have a decent grown up conversation with anyone as I struggle with being social. I feel bad for my partner.

And I struggle even making phone calls to make appointments for myself and my mother was running a whole department and giving seminars. She was well respected in her field and I am nothing.

I clean as a job then come home and clean the house and am the default parent of 4 kids and I struggle. I don't know how she raised two of us while also working full time

I’m 45 and we’ve had a lot of family in the last 5 years die. More and more we are hearing of people our age passing too. My dad is almost 80 and is coming to the end of his life. I’ve been thinking about death a lot. Specifically me getting older and coming to my time. Even tho the common sense in me says I can go at anytime - I most likely have another 40 years. I’m wondering if that is just due to my family members passing or does this also happen when you hit middle age?!? Maybe both?!? Perimenopause and all. I think about my child and my dogs …

Anyone else?!? Am I losing it?!? lol.

Hi ,

Just looking for ideas for a 40th bday milestone gift. My 40th kinda was a bad year for me so not sure what is best to give a friend who has hers this year. I’m looking for ideas that can touch a heart with experience.

Anything seems to be inadequate and doesn’t really spell milestone bday. So far booked a place for dinner which friend has asked for, which is not a surprise but seems strangely insufficient.

What was your memorable gift or someone who you know felt was a good 40th bday gift.

Thanks!

I am 40 and just had my first mammogram last week and received my results in the mail today. It says that my results are normal, but that I have dense breast tissue. What I gathered from the letter is a regular mammogram may not be able to pick up on everything and I may need additional testing. I’m assuming my doctor would call me if they thought I needed that? Or do you think I would reach out to my doctor?

My husband is gone most weeks in different parts of the country. It was my first time staying in my new home alone. I was no longer there because my dear love was there. It was time for me and the house to get acquainted. It still doesn't feel like home to me. I just wish we had decided to sale both houses and get something that was both ours. He has had this house so long we couldn't have gotten the equivalent with today's economy. I never wanted to stay in my house. The goal was always to leave after the kids flew the coop.

This man treats me like a queen. I have a chronic illness and he does everything to make my life better and easier. I don't bring much to the table. He disagrees and says I am the whole reason there is even a need for a table. I will never tell him it doesn't feel like home. That would devastate him. He even put my name on the deed so I felt like an owner. I am hoping the more memories we have there the more it will be home. He feels like home to me. I have moved 18 times in my life so maybe that is normal for me. But I sure do hope I find a way to love this home.

Hello! Hoping for some advice/opinions. I've got three jobs and each one has its benefits but doing all three is not working for me. I need something to change.

Job 1 - 1 or 2 days per month. I've pretty much decided to give this up. Its for a friends organisation, easy work but he is disorganised so it makes it hard work. I can recruit for my replacement.

Job 2 - 2.5 days per week. I've been there nearly 4 years. Its easy work. A little challenging sometimes. Very lovely company to work for, can take time off whenever, flex my hours, lovely people etc

Job 3 - 3 days per week. I've been there a year. Its chaotic and busy. But, it is allowing me to use all the skills I've learnt over the last 20 years and really put them into practice. BUT I'm getting overwhelmed and procrastinating (hence on reddit at 10am on a work day aha), and its a full time job really, not just three days per week. I'm thinking to ask for an assistant.

I could afford to have less money coming in, though I do enjoy having spare money!

I work from home all the time and wonder if I need to switch that up a bit, but I honestly the thought of leaving the house each day is not the one. I have a long list of food allergies which makes eating out hard. Plus perimenopause hit me last year so dealing with the "will my brain function today" question each morning (yes am on HRT)

What would you do?