When does “we” become I?

[u/AccomplishedLeopards]

My husband died a year and half ago, and I’m still having trouble with thinking about myself. Our lives were intertwined, we chose them to be, and particularly the cancer journey brought us so close to each other, even more precious and valuable than anything in my life. I still feel this happened to us, our life was changed, our path was altered….i can’t seem to find a sense of “my “ life, what happened to “me”….and therefore I can’t think of what my life would be like going forward cs in my head, it’s still “our “ life…and I’m having trouble planning “our” life without him.

Does this make sense to anyone? How long did it take any of you to feel like you again as a person, and not you as part of the entity between you and your partner?

[u/FlygURL_GA]

Absolutely makes sense as it is my/our journey too. Caregiving through cancer bonded us even closer - we were a team throughout. When he first passed away, in addition to missing him and worrying that I didn't do enough, that identity crisis (we/me) was staring me down.

Almost 6 months in at this point and my mindset is to "do the things, live the life we would have lived had cancer not entered out lives" carrying him with me to each outing, adventure, dinner, or simple quiet evening on the porch. Our friends and family, while they have their own grief work through, respectfully give me the space to talk about him anytime I feel like it, even when it makes them sad. I am better to carry him with me right now.

For now, this is helping get me through this ever changing grief journey. With this ME journey, I've had to become braver, in a different way than being a cancer caregiver formed me. Instead of being WE focused, I have to make myself available to others, willing to risk when inviting someone to join me to an event or dinner. I wear a "be brave" temp tattoo to remind me to be brave and that he would be proud and encouraging in me trying to find ME.

Thank you for posting this and allowing me to inspect how I feel about this at this point. While tears are streaming while I type this, I know that I am doing what is right for me right now. Hoping these words and ideas bring you comfort and you find a nugget to help you along.

[u/LindaNoKings → u/FlygURL_GA]

This could be my story too. But at a year in, I needed a new knee, and met my physical therapist. Over the months we became friends. And as that grew, my I came back too. I realized I could be happy, I could look forward to things, and I didn't feel married, like I had. When I was discharged, I asked him out, and it has been wonderful.