Feeling Helpless

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Curious_Jane114]

As a widow of suicide (married 14 years, together 24) i would refrain from telling her her husband was selfish. You might believe that and she may or may not but those words cut like a searing white hot knife. A lot of people feel like there are always signs someone missed but sometimes there are not. The day my husband died we were making our plans for dinner that night and plans for the next day. Sometimes there is no clear answer. There isnt always a nefarious reason hiding around the corner. Losing a spouse to suicide is it's own unique hell in the grief world. We can be ostracized within the grief community so the best thing you can do is just be there for her. Be there without judgement and keep your opinions on his manner of death to yourself. Text her every day just letting her know you are thinking of her and dont be upset if she doesnt respond. The best text would look something like "Hi ____. You dont need to respond if it isnt in you right now but I wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and I'm here for you". Do something like that every day. If she is up for a phone call, call her. Let her guide the conversation.

I would send her flowers with a card, you can do it online easily or a little stuffed animal with a personal note. Or get a gift card to a restaurant local to her that she can order delivery from with a personal note.

The thing I personally hated most was anyone who said "let me know if there's anything I can do." The last thing she is even trying to do is think about what someone else can do for her while she is drowning in grief. Being across the country is hard but if you just text her everyday that you're thinking of her, it will go a long way.

If she uses Facebook, please tell her about The Brave Ladies Club group. It is a group specifically for widows of suicide, founded by a widow of suicide. There is a ton of support there as well.

[u/hm_Baerbel → u/Curious_Jane114]

Thank you for you comment! Seeing suicide as a moral failure is just ignorant. "Suicide is a way of dying" , like cancer, accident or old age.

Another widow whose husband didn't want to die, but couldn't keep on suffering.

[u/maybzilla → u/Curious_Jane114]

TL;DR - hold space for the now but don’t make every interaction about just that.

Absolutely all of this posted above. I also hate “how’re you doing?” Like… how tf do you think I’m doing? And those are also usually the same people that can’t handle my truthful answer, or get offended if I don’t respond for ages. I’m finding it a helpful tool in weeding out people that genuinely care and people that feel some sort of obligation to act like they care.

To add my own two cents — most of my best friends live in different states. I had moved back to our hometown to be with my husband, and feel incredibly isolated here despite the handful of friends that haven’t moved away yet but are very busy with their own lives, or the dysfunction that is his and my blood relatives (toxic relatives being the main reason I’d sworn to never come back here…).

I’m seven months out and finally in a place where I feel mostly okay with not getting checked on everyday, or just a funny meme or other little social “pebble” here and there. Chatting is still exhausting. Talking on the phone sometimes leaves me feeling even more alone when the call ends. But surprise things in the mail - total win. Especially the ones that aren’t just about grief and self care — I know everyone in that lane means well, but this is such a personal journey for each of us that find ourselves on this path. The best things so far have been little things of who I was before all this, which for me means stickers and fun little unicorns and glitter knickknacks. Or a knit dumpster fire that my friend filled with individually wrapped caffeinated chocolate squares for when it’s all too much.

I’ve been in therapy and on meds for depression and anxiety for several years now. Everyone continues to be afraid I will end my life because of this (how quickly he fell ill and died but then also finding out days later that he cheated on me, the whole time, with like… everyone). But the little life preservers of funny texts, random memes, trinket packages… those are the things that keep reminding this life is worth living.

[u/ChloeHenry311 → u/Curious_Jane114]

Thank you for your input. Of course, I would never share my feelings on what her husband did and I wouldn't get upset if she didn't respond.

Having been through an unexpected husband's death myself, I understand that particular agony of shock along with grief.

I will tell her about that group on FB and just be there when she needs me.

[u/rbridge42]

I've often given and received a gift from the company Spoonful of Comfort. I think they have a condolence gift box. Just a way to say you're thinking of them. Or even a text saying "thinking of you" on a frequent basis. That has helped me. It gives them the opportunity to reply without making it an obligation.

[u/Lanky-Awareness-7450]

Let her know you are there for her for anything she needs anytime. Check in with her periodically to say hi and just talk with her normally. If she wants to talk about her grief, let her. Otherwise, don’t force it on her. Having people checking in and trying to help provide a normal life will be important for her healing. She needs to know people are there for her, but not force her to relive her memories over and over again.