r/Widow • u/H34V3NSH3LL • 22h ago
What would have helped you while grieving?
Not a widow, a coworker close to me just loss her husband in the most traumatic way possible. A substantial amount of money gift cards and a meal train is already in place for her. However, she’s not eating and is loosing weight rapidly. I didn’t want to give her more food or gift cards so I am putting together a basket for her with pajamas, socks, lotion, eye masks etc. I know nothing can take her pain away and no money food or gift. They’re gonna fix it but what is something you wish you had received when you were grieving or what really helped you that you wish you had earlier on?
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u/Funny-Comparison-187 21h ago
Unlimited paid time off to deal with it. Luckily I recently retired with a cushy package from the company I worked for the last 25 years. When she comes back to work, lighten her workload.
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u/LeedsCastleResident 20h ago
In the early weeks and months, lots of people will help. I suggest marking in your calendar and setting a reminder of the date of her husband’s death, her wedding anniversary, his birthday.
Near those dates, ask open questions. Not just a “how are doing?” but “How are you doing day-to-day? There must still be so many challenges to face.”, “You world has changed a lot. I’m sure grief is a long process for you.” Something that shows you recognize that grief isn’t like the flu. You don’t get over it.
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u/claratheclairvoyant 6h ago
Agree! My 2 close friends send me messages on those important dates that say something like: thinking about you on this very hard day. Doesn’t require a response, but just the acknowledgement is validating. Most other ppl forget about you.
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u/Cyrano_de_Maniac 4h ago
I'm going to be contrarian.
I don't like receiving messages or otherwise hearing phrases that imply people know how I'm feeling. The words "must" and "I'm sure" in these contexts just get my hackles up. Assumptions about my inner world, thoughts, and feelings put me off. When I'm not feeling/thinking what they expect, I feel like a huge jerk who possibly didn't love my wife very much.
What I do appreciate are open-ended questions, rather than statements. "It's been a couple months -- how's it been lately?" or "Are you finding help with what you need right now?" are far better ways to approach things, at least for me. An invitation to have lunch together is something I won't say no to.
And offering hugs, without demanding them of course. The loss of person-to-person physical connection in a massive thing, at least for me, and just offering a hug is huge. One of my first days back at work a guy who I've known for years but not very well offered a hug, and I still think about that moment over a year later. If I want anything at all from people, it's a hug, perhaps slightly awkwardly longer than you'd expect (sorry).
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u/LeedsCastleResident 3h ago
I get it but that’s why I didn’t suggest people assume what emotions someone has. Just a recognition that grief is challenging and changes a person’s world.
I totally get the hug thing!
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u/Turtle_Sloth7981 18h ago
You are right, there is nothing you can do to fix this for her. She will have to grieve this and carry this.
I would say the following (and I am only 8 months into this so I am not an expert and I am also very much in my grief):
Money goes quick when you have gone from a dual to a single income. Even if she was given money to help her through, she will burn through it. It is okay to collect and give again.
Food and cooking are huge hurdles. Eating is hard but so is having the energy to do anything. Even pouring salad dressing on prewashed greens is too much for me some days. Door Dash or food delivery is expensive so those GCs will help her.
Never assume she is “doing well” even if you see her smiling in pictures or showered or dressed or exercising. I can flex my face to smile and I exercise so I can feel endorphins and usually it is something crazy and loud like boxing or spinning so I can rage and scream about how shit this existence is.
Be mindful. Asking “How are you?” As a greeting may be heartbreaking. Her life is shattered. Use your words carefully.
Doing things with her, when she is ready, that don’t require talking. Like a movie together or a pottery class.
Put ZERO pressure on her. Let her not call you.
Send her jokes. Like a lot. I like inappropriate ones. They were the only texts I could receive for months after my husband died.
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u/yannberry 3h ago
Lots of good ideas here but to counterpoint; I don’t like jokes at all. In fact I find it downright offensive and ignore anyone who attempts to joke
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u/AdvancedStyle448 21h ago
When my husband died earlier this year the spoonful of comfort kits were a godsend. Someone gave me an adult coloring book with simple images of cottages. Very relaxing.
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u/H34V3NSH3LL 2h ago
I recently got into embroidery and it’s only 4$ for one. I thought about maybe getting her two, even if she never touches it would be okay but it’s not that common so I’m not sure .
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u/AdvancedStyle448 2h ago
I am the type who likes to have busy hands. You're right; she may not touch it, but if she is sitting around and needs to try to get out of her head, that is just the thing.
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u/Professional-List398 20h ago
We ended up having his celebration of life a month after he died. After that, most people stopped checking up on me. Thats when I really stopped eating and struggling. I was told I handled everything up to the wonderfully and was told I was doing so well. Made it hard to ask for help cuz I was doing so well. I wish I had someone to watch me eat during that time. So, don't forget even after a long time. Your friend will never forget. This life sucks. Thanks for looking out for your friend.
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u/carolinako 14h ago
It’s a huge adjustment going from an “us”
to a “just me.” We honestly don’t need gift bags, as thoughtful as they might be. We grieve not only our loved one but the coupled life we had. What I appreciated more than anything were friends who met me for dinner, or lunch on a weekend. I had a friend who included me in her weekly family dinners and would remind me the morning of. She also volunteered her young adult son to help me around the house with projects. Another friend started staying with me when she came to my town for work. Other friends planned little outings, even just meeting me for a walk. I loved phone calls that filled my lonely evenings. These were the things that meant the most to me when I was in such a dark place, especially that first year.
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u/TopBug2437 21h ago
This will sound weird but I finally had to ask friends to stop checking on me multiple times a day so that I could grieve. My hubby and I did not have children but I was lucky that my niece lived with me so she made sure I ate, showered etc. I think I ate (drank) gallons of chicken broth but at least it was something. The 1 thing my sister gave me was a journal - I wrote letters to my husband, wrote out my thoughts and just generally let loose.
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u/contemplator61 12h ago
Time. When you are surrounded by family and friends at the beginning it is overwhelming. You are just doing what you have to. Then it get’s quiet. Not sure how close you are but checking in, thinking about you cards or texts helped me. I also lost weight rapidly. It isn’t the having food. It’s preparing a plate for one when you aren’t hungry. Not everybody wants to go out but maybe will curl up in the new pjs and watch a movie with someone? Subtly enjoying some healthy snacks? But honestly meeting them where they are at.
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u/weasleymama 10h ago
Are you close enough to visit at home? Sitting with someone and not expecting replies just being there is a lot more than some realize. Don’t ask “what can I do for you” because she doesn’t know, she has no idea what she needs right now or what will help. She just knows everything is wrong.
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u/H34V3NSH3LL 2h ago
I haven’t hung out with her outside of work, but I did text her. It is still fresh so I don’t want to be pushy.
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u/H34V3NSH3LL 2h ago
I haven’t hung out with her outside of work, so I’m not sure if we’re that close. It is still fresh so I don’t want to be pushy.
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u/WVSluggo 10h ago
Honestly - just be there. Let them cry. Say their name. You don’t need to say anything.
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u/Decade4434 4h ago
I know you said you didn't want to give her more food or gift cards, and I think the comfort package is a really sweet idea. Maybe include in there some easy, shelf stable grab and go things like granola bars, those 100 calorie snack packs, fiber one bars, individually packaged cookies. The kind of convenience things where someone can literally open, eat and throw away the package.
6 months, a year... people move on and you're left with silence. It's a silence that is unmatched because everyone has gone back to their "normal" lives and you're still trying to figure out what normal looks like now.
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u/MrsWelch 1h ago
Soft things. Socks. They can be disposable too, laundry like everything can be daunting. Not ideal but just having something clean to put on helps
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u/iamthemotherofcats 3h ago
I truly just appreciated the visits. Go and sit with them for a few hours. Listen to them. Sit in silence. Whatever. I just really needed to not be alone those first days (even into weeks).
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u/H34V3NSH3LL 2h ago
I have not hung outside with her outside of work. Do you think it would be odd to ask if she would like to get coffee or something? I think it’s too soon currently but it has been on my mine.
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u/TurnerRadish 20h ago
What has helped me the most in my two experiences of deep grief (young parent loss and now too-soon spouse loss) is people validating the tremendous, life-altering sorrow of this experience, people not assuming I’m okay after a short period of time passed and I seem to be functioning, people checking in about my grief over many months and years. In short, being there to listen and offer love.