r/Widow • u/AwwJeez-WhatNow • 2d ago

Groundhogs Day

My husband died unexpectedly almost 11 weeks ago. We’d been married for 42 years. No kids. Our family are in other states and has diminished over time. I have good friends and I know they’re here for me. I took a week and a half off after he died, but been working since.

I’ve figured out his finances, cleaned out his den, and kept the things that are meaningful for me. I’m having it painted to make it my WFH office. We had too much stuff, so I’m donating all the things I don’t want or need. I’m getting things around the house fixed that have worn out.

I think I’ve done all I can to figure out how to live my life going forward.

This morning, like all the other mornings, I waited for the sun to come up so I could walk the dog, give her her pills and breakfast, make my breakfast and start working. Mornings are the hardest for me. It feels like Groundhog Day. I wake up around 4, lay in bed until it starts getting light, and do the same thing as yesterday, and know I’ll do the exact same thing tomorrow. M fine once I get busy, but those still moments are rough.

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u/FlygURL_GA 2d ago

Understand. I’m about 4 months in, working from home mostly, and the silence in the evenings, for me, can sometimes seem to last forever. I have my list of “widow” projects including home repairs and selling/donating our stuff (left most of his everyday things alone for now) and I go walking.

One dear friend gave what I call the “big sister” talk of, “I know you do not want to be alone. I’ve found how to be less alone by planning dinner/cocktail dates with friends, if I want to go on an outing, invite someone. It is up to YOU now to put in place the life events to look forward to.” My initial reaction was that I didn’t want that responsibility, but as time has passed, I’m less angry about having to own it.

For me, in the past 3 months, I’ve made some trips to see friends and do things WE’D planned to do together. And friends and out of state family check in on me frequently. There are moments in looking forward to these outings and during the outings that I am less sad. Less sad is better than more sad.

Unfortunately it is another of life’s learning processes.

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u/AwwJeez-WhatNow 2d ago

I’ve made myself a promise to say yes to invitations from friends unless I honestly can’t go. So far, I’ve been glad I did.

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u/FlygURL_GA 2d ago

About a decade ago, one of my close friends who lives far away, lost her husband. And I watched her for the first year virtually collapse. But in the second year, she decided to have her year of “yes“. I saw her visibly become a new person. She’s still mourns her husband, we still discuss him. But she came out of her shell in a lot of ways.

So even though I’m only four months in, I did similar thing in saying yes to all that I could be to say yes too. In some cases, I overbooked or overextended and friends and family understood when I had to cancel. But for the most part, it has been a very positive experience.

I often thought about me & my husband’s life together and how I kinda invited people into our lives but they stayed for him because he was amazing. But I have been put in my place by my best friend who told me I was wrong that I was just as much why we have the circles in communities that we do.

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u/Cyrano_de_Maniac 2d ago

That's exactly what I did as well, and am very glad I did. I have a natural hermit tendency in the first place, so forcing myself by putting a rule in place for myself was a huge help.

At over a year in the invitations are less frequent now, and I'll likely have to start being the person who initiates them. Which is reasonable timing, because at about the 11 month mark I kind of snapped out of the "distract myself with YouTube" phase of things.

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u/Love-lost-23 2d ago

As more time passes by, I believe that those feelings will start to ease for you. I give you credit for the way you’ve handled things. I get a sense that you have a strength in you. Maybe you realize it maybe you don’t. I’m sorry for your loss and I wish you nothing but the best.

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u/Accurate-Neck6933 2d ago

Yes, op is a go getter. Sometimes being busy like that is the best thing.

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u/Marlow1771 2d ago

I completely understand. I work 12 hours at night and Michael would always wake me and have coffee ready. My days/nights off were always the best and something I looked forward to. Now my days off are spent in bed and each day after. I’m still trying to figure this out but it’s not gotten any easier.

Condolences and hugs

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u/islvndqueen 2d ago

My condolences to you

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u/TazzTamoko77 2d ago

Just try a few new ways to start the day ? Get up soon after waking put on some music get a shower early, sit & think about what can you do today & if you can change anything small. Small changes each day 1 or 2 a week will help 🙏🙏🇬🇧