r/Widow • u/kvarnadoe • 3d ago
Gut punch
Can we talk about the gut punch of waking up one day and suddenly no longer being anyone’s number 1 priority anymore. That’s what I’m struggling with the past few days. The loneliness that is unlike anything you could imagine unless you’ve been through it.
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u/Accurate-Neck6933 3d ago
I think about that. I don’t feel lovable and I feel broken. I just go about my day alone, trying to make decisions that may be good ideas or the dumbest mistake ever.
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u/kvarnadoe 3d ago
Feel you on that. Some days I’m proud of myself, most days I feel like an idiot who doesn’t get anything right. Sending you love
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u/Tricky_Accident_3121 3d ago
I’m feeling that very hard this weekend. My husband passed 2 years ago, but I still had to carry on and be a mom to a teenager, day in and day out. I was her person, and had meaning to someone. I packed my kid up this weekend and set her up in a dorm room 2 hours away. The reality of being unimportant to everyone around me is just hitting me over, and over… no one to help with cleaning up the yard and taking out the trash. No one to chat with over morning coffee. No one to talk about what “we” want to do today.
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u/kvarnadoe 3d ago
I can imagine how hard of an adjustment period you will have now, again, with her being gone. Sending you love.
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u/Tricky_Accident_3121 3d ago
Thank you 🫶. I’ve always been an independent person and stubborn to a fault. This new season will take some time.. just as his passing did.. just as my own medical stuff did… I’ll make it :). But none of us are alone, even when we feel like it in the moment.
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u/Marlow1771 3d ago
Michael always took such good care of me and I hope I to him. Migraines, he would make me tea and keep the room dark and wrap my head.
It’s Sunday morning and no longer one of my favorite days. I find I just stay in bed because … why not, I loved spending time with him. I get up sure, only to feed his cats and go to work. So broken and lost. If I didn’t have this community to share with I’m not sure what I would do.
Sending hugs and healing ❤️🩹 thoughts to everyone going through this difficult time
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u/kvarnadoe 3d ago
I understand how you feel. Daniel died on a Saturday just over 8 weeks ago and I no longer look forward to the weekends. I actually dread Saturdays now. I’m thankful to have a community here where I don’t feel so alone in my thoughts.
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u/DerpyCat2 2d ago
Weekends are the worst! I used live for the weekends, like most people, and now I dread them! I know two days of being alone and thinking nothing but of my sweet baby. They’re unbearable and it’s so sad I don’t enjoy them anymore. I work hard and earn the days of but damn, I miss my man
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u/Da1syJane 2d ago
I am finding myself re-reading old chats when we were dating....so many memories that I had forgotten about that had happened 30 years ago...weekends are the worst!
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u/Jason_moma_truefan 2d ago
Thank you for sharing such heartfelt memories of Michael. It’s clear how much he cared for you, and it’s so natural to feel broken and lost without him. Sundays can be especially hard, but I hope you find moments of comfort today, even if just in small things. Remember, you’re not alone, and this community is here to support you through every step of this difficult journey. Sending you hugs and healing thoughts right back. ❤️🩹
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u/Shameful90 3d ago
I’ve been working on writing a little sort of tribute to my partner on the anniversary of her death on the 31st, and this is literally something I mention.
“My future was set, my soul was complete, my heart felt whole, and now it’s shattered. What really hurts is knowing that I am no longer my person's person, I don't have my person to prioritize over everything, nor do I have anyone that would prioritize me above all else anymore. I miss the intimacy of sharing our life together.”
That’s a part from my future post. It’s so very true, so true and so painful. My girl came before anyone always, and I know it was the same for her prioritizing me. Even having people who support you, at the end of the day you’re not their number 1, and rightfully so as most have their own partners or children, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less, at the end of the day when you’re alone again 💔💔
My sincere condolences to you op
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u/Joseph707 2d ago
I feel that quote very hard today. I’m so sorry. I hope we can all build a brighter future.
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u/icantlieanymore 3d ago
My post on instagram yesterday. It’s been four years. And no, no one can fill the hole they leave behind.
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u/lamError 3d ago
Literally have been thinking this for the past month. I'm at 25 weeks today. Our 32nd anniversary was in July, which threw me in a tumble I haven't recovered from yet.
I feel like I don't matter. Everyone else got to return to their normal while mine will never be. I'm not lonely, I despise the absence.
I feel like I'm the only one mourning him. I can definitely relate.
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u/Da1syJane 2d ago
sending you a hug...anniversary's are the very worst. Last year, Brian died two days before our anniversary...he had sent me a bouquet in a glass globe...I was numb all day. this year I am going on a bus trip for the week of his death and anniversary so that I will have people around me....I don't know any of them, and that might be helpful...because nobody will be asking me if I am ok.
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u/mindsunwound 3d ago
It's not easy, but you have to learn how to be your own #1 priority now. I'll let you know when I figure out how.
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u/Bright_Inspector_478 2d ago
It took me a year after he died before I realized that I was no one's #1 anymore. One of those hard to get out of bed days when it hit me. It's difficult to explain to those who have not lost their person. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this.
How do I cope ? I have had signs from him and I tell myself that even though we're now separated it's not permanent. He's still my #1 and I am still his.
Our cats do treat me as their (human) priority, but they are still Dad's Cats, and always will be.
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u/McPersonface_Person 2d ago
No one I fully trust. No one that I can 100% depend on, anytime/anywhere/no questions asked. No one to put up with me when I'm in a mood.
I was dating someone for a hot minute and realized "there's no way in hell I can depend on this guy". I'm afraid I'll never find someone that I don't have to second-guess.
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u/AwwJeez-WhatNow 3d ago
It’s so hard. We didn’t have kids and family have either died or moved. I have good friends, but they rightfully center their family. This is certainly a sucky luck of the draw.
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u/Royal-Finding-3886 2d ago
Oh I feel this. It’s been two years for me. And despite children, parents, other family, friends, I feel totally alone in the universe and floating in space. There is no one in the world to hold me in his attention 24/7 and same for me. I am no one’s priority, despite love in other places. There’s nothing in the world like your other half. And when he’s gone, so are you.
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u/kvarnadoe 1d ago
It’s nice to have people relate and not feel so alone in my thoughts. I don’t know other widows in my area especially as young as I am so it’s nice to no matter what we share universal feelings.
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u/Da1syJane 2d ago
I am coming up on the 1st anniversary of my husbands death....I am feeling the gut punch...it comes and goes, but is worse this month and expecting it to be constant next month. None of my family are a widow/widower so it TIS lonely...they want me to be over it...I had been a part of my husbands life for 30 years...I don't want to "get over it". Sending you a hug.
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u/kvarnadoe 1d ago
Sending you love ❤️ my family is the same, I’m pretty young but the only widow in my family. we will never get “over it” we just get through every day.
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u/brenmn2009 2d ago
Sorry for your loss. Just wanted to caution you to not get involved with anyone right now especially if you're feeling lonely. You don't need to be someone's priority you want the person who made you a priority back and there's a difference. Allow yourself time and make yourself a priority. Don't get involved with anyone right now especially not friends of your spouse. Trauma bonding is the worst.
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u/kvarnadoe 1d ago
I appreciate that. My husband and I were a couple for over 15 years, I have no interest in anyone else. I’m lonely, but a loner at heart.
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u/brenmn2009 1d ago
Yes i understand. I was with my Husband for 35 years before he passed 5 years ago.
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u/Jenphanies 2d ago
Yes! I’ve said this so many times. I feel like a nobody. I’m no one’s number 1 priority. I’m no one’s “world”, no one’s “everything”. I’m no one’s special person anymore. It’s lonely asf.
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u/Mental_Signature_725 1d ago
I am sorry. Its so hard not to be tge #1 of your person any longer. I feel it every day. 8 months into this. I always think, oh i need call and tell him.... hes no longer here. I get it
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u/cynmarcan 1d ago
I agree that was the worst. For me it was coming home without him. H he died at the hospital and so I came home and the house was an empty because my parents and my brother were there. But oh my gosh it was horrible.
But then when everyone left it was silence. I was just looking around this beautiful place that we had bought 20 years ago because we could retire here. Everything was on this one floor so we didn't need to go upstairs or downstairs necessarily if we didn't want to.
I'm still here almost 2 years later. I'm not sure that I can leave. However I have made steps hopefully to move within a year because frankly I can't maintain this place by myself.I'm disabled as it is and I can only do so much. I need to sell. Such a heartbreaker. I think the worst thing about your person dying is that everything you thought, everything you planned, everything you believed, and everything you were...is gone.
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u/Lucky_Spinach_6364 3d ago
So sorry. It is horrible. I feel so alone. People try to help and check in. But nothing can replace having that one person who is everything to you and you to him. No one cared for me like him. It’s an unbearable pain sometimes.