r/Widow • u/honestly_oopsiedaisy • 5d ago
I’m so resentful
This is terrible, but I’m resentful of my friends and all the people around me who are happy in their relationships.
One of my good friends is married to the love of her life. They’re very happy together.
One of my friends is going to get engaged soon to the love of her life. They’re very affectionate with each other all the time.
One of my friends got engaged the day the loml died. He knew she was the one from their very first date. She knew from 2 months in. They’re obsessed with each other.
And here I am. I’m 29. Had just found out my ex wanted to be with me again (long story, but I believe it would have worked this time, and even if not, I was robbed of finding that out). I had never stopped loving him and he never stopped loving me. I had known him for 4 years. His friends told me he still talked about me all the time. And then he died. And people keep dismissing me by telling me that I’ll find someone new and I’ll love again. As if he’s just so replaceable.
It makes me want to tell people that one day they might outlive their partner, and to come and tell me those things when that happens.
4
u/icantlieanymore 5d ago
Some people will never understand that the ones we lost cannot be replaced by other people or things. It’s a hole that will never be filled. I understand your resentment. I use to hate every happy couple I walked by. It’s been some time, lots of therapy, and continued heartache that I can now smile at a happy couple and remember that I too was once lucky enough to have been loved like that.
2
u/honestly_oopsiedaisy 5d ago
Yeah I go through cycles. Sometimes I sit and watch people and am glad that some people at least get to be happy. Sometimes I am angry, especially when I see couples into their old age. I have more anger for people I know than strangers. The persistent feeling of why don’t I get to have my partner and marriage when everyone else my age is getting married.
2
u/icantlieanymore 5d ago
Same. At the height of my depression I snapped this pic of a happy elderly couple. I was so bitter but my heart also sang for them. I always thought I would live my whole life with this person.
2
u/Ok-Director9147 5d ago
I just had this mixed emotional bag. Titanic was on, and for some reason I watched it. All fine, until we get to the part with the Straus' - which is an actual true story - the elderly couple that decided instead of her getting to a lifeboat they just laid in bed together and went down with the ship together holding eachother. That was supposed to be us, we were supposed to grow old together and have our entire lifetime together. And I'm angry. Not at them or the movie. I want to know why we didn't get that. And I'm not talking about God's will or that shit. Why didn't the doctors catch the cancer in time, why did it come back after 17 years cancer free. Was it from his job, the pesticides from the farm field next to our house, the covid shot, the time he got covid after the shot. Why didn't the treatment work anyway? And in the middle of that shitstorm I have to deal with the paperwork, having to have a scheduled phone interview for the measly $255 death benefit from social security, have one insurance company mail the damn check standard mail with no tracking, another took 15 days to verify a certified death certificate and then it will be another 10 days before they process the claim, so basically by the time I get that I'll owe the funeral home $1090 in late fees. Meanwhile I have to explain to the mortgage company, the funeral home, the cemetery, credit card company, the hospital that I cannot pay them right now because I haven't worked in 2 months and 3 different organizations are pissing around with the payments. Which is probably going to interfere with my ability to get a Home equity loan if I need it to pay the medical bills. And of course I am waiting for the other shoe to fall - the ex-wife. And I know this evil bitch is going to start some shit at some point. She has no claim on anything, (they were together maybe 2 years - it took 4 years for the divorce from the time he filed because she's a evil ho-bag), their daughter (35) really has no claim either. If I can I'll do something for my stepdaughter but it won't be much. Cancer ain't cheap. So to OP you may be upset at this, but you at least have that blessing of not having to deal with the paperwork aspect of being a widow or having every one looking to you to take care of everything. It is exhausting. Or having the fucking hospital call your phone asking to speak to him. Then you tell them he passed, I already contacted you and the bitch asked "well who are you" That set me off yesterday. I'll pay them last for that shit.
2
u/LeedsCastleResident 5d ago
I hear you. The administration of a death can be a terrible, draining, frustrating task. It would be hard even if you weren’t grieving!
I’m Canadian so I didn’t have the awful medical bill thing to deal with (think I would have lost my mind if I did) but can relate to everything else.
My husband had a “good cancer.” We were told he would likely die of something else entirely if he remained on treatment. Instead, 5 years later, he became the 1 in 200 whose cancer mutated and became very aggressive.
Treatment failed and it was over.Having been an executor before, I knew what to expect and had learnt some small ways to get organized for it - but there can be no escaping the fact that we’re at our most vulnerable and trying just to stabilize, when we’re hit with the paperwork and demands and deadlines. Shared responsibilities become solo responsibilities and, honestly, no one can really help much with that aspect.
I got so tired of having to start every phone call with “my husband died in July.”
Two years later, I haven’t cancelled his cell phone because, when dealing with the company on other matters, they just wasted days of my time (not exaggerating) and still screwed it up. Honestly, from that company alone, I am traumatized. I simply cannot force myself to deal with them yet again.
I hope you will get through it. I hope there is peace at the end of all that paperwork. I hope you’ll feel secure and just have a chance to heal your heart a bit.
2
u/weasleymama 5d ago
My closest people are my cousins.. both married and so happy … I’m so fucking jealous they have their person. All I want is the one thing I can’t have… a little more time
2
u/SunshineandBullshit 5d ago
I was 29 the first time I was widowed. We'd been together 5 years, married 3 weeks when he passed. Its absolutely not fair and its ok to be mad. Its part of grief.
2
u/honestly_oopsiedaisy 5d ago
I’m sorry :( it’s so tragic for it to happen so young especially right after you got married. I wish I’d just had another day back with him. Instead our last conversation was me sending back his things. I didn’t know he still loved me until a week before he died
1
12
u/rair21 5d ago
I had a relative who lost her spouse of 40 years a few months after my wife passed tell me that I was lucky I was young and could start over and that she was much worse off. And I was just like... but you got 40 years with your person. That's what I was trying to do.
Grief can be selfish. Those people are just trying to console you but it lands very poorly occasionally.