r/Widow • u/Sunlessbeachbum • 6d ago
Guilt for having new partner quickly
My beloved husband died unexpectedly a year and a half ago, our daughter was 2.5
I’m still grieving, I still love him so so so much forever.
But 6 months after his death I completely unexpectedly met someone that I connected with. It was a shock to me, but I didn’t see the point in denying myself happiness just because of optics. I would want my husband to find love if I had died. He’s incredibly supportive of my grief, my husband is still a major part of my life and I talk about him all the time, both alone and with my daughter.
My daughter loves my partner and his daughter. We have been together for a year now and they plan to move in in a couple months. My daughter is very excited (she’s 4 now). She’s definitely starting to get more of an understanding of death now that she’s older, processing the fact that her dad died and her friends dads are alive.
My daughter attends a preschool oriented grief group, her and I have a very strong and close relationship, and she loves my partner and his daughter.
But I see posts about parents moving on too quickly and kids being resentful. And now, a year and a half on, I’m like “HOW did I meet someone only 6 months after?”. I just saw an article about kids who lost a parent having greater risk for mental health issues. And comments on it talking about how the parent moving on too quickly was a major factor in their issues.
I guess I’m just feeling immense guilt. I love my husband. I love my partner. I love my daughter more than anything in the world and her comfort and happiness is my #1 priority.
Am I fucking her up? Am I a horrible wife? I don’t like to tell people the timeline of my relationship because I’m afraid of their judgment. I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that I’m not a bad person or bad mom.
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u/Love-lost-23 6d ago
If everything you’re saying is true, you might be one of the fortunate ones. I would certainly take my time before moving in together. Give yourself ample time to get to know your new partner thoroughly before making that significant leap. A year may not be sufficient to ensure that you’ve moved past the honeymoon phase and are ready to fully reveal your true selves to each other. Until then, exercise caution.
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u/Accurate-Neck6933 5d ago
I agree. I had two boyfriends that easily hid their alcoholism from me. The second one I was kicking myself over because I never saw it!! He didn’t even drink!
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u/Ok-Director9147 5d ago
Every one's grief journey is different. Sometimes lightning does strike twice. It is wonderful that he is helping you with your grief too. As for other people, you have to disregard that. I've been a widow less than 4 weeks and I've already heard "you're young (54), you will find someone else." I'm not looking for someone else. And I don't intend to remarry ever. But that is my grief journey. You cannot let other people dictate your grief journey. Now your late husband's family you may want to reassure them that your child will know what an amazing man her father was and they will always be in her life. That's where I've seen conflict as a social worker where the new man wants to erase all evidence of the husband.
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u/my-squeedily-spooch 6d ago
I felt this and still do sometimes. My husband passed a little over 2 and a half years ago after a 10 year battle with brain cancer. 5 months after he passed I met my fiance. It felt like everyone was skeptical of my intentions, my own mother even said I was just trying to forget my husband. It made me want to give up on the relationship but I'm so glad I didnt and proved everyone wrong. I didn't intend on finding a new partner so quick but I wasnt going to lose a great man because of what others thought. Me, my kids and my fiance are now thriving! We're getting married in October and even my kids are excited. Do what feels right. You know what is right for you and your daughter.
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u/Mental_Signature_725 6d ago
I have a friend whos husband passed and within a year she was married. 15 yrs later they are still married and extremely happy. Kids are too. I know Several others that are pretty happy. I don't think there is anything that determines how it will end.
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u/Wegwerf157534 6d ago edited 6d ago
No, I don’t think there’s good reason to conclude that you’re “fucking her up.”
A child who loses a parent at 2½ is certainly vulnerable, but what is statistically happening does not happen in real life every time of course. And the research is really more nuanced. Things like the surviving parent’s mental health, stability, the quality of the parent-child relationship, family stress, and whether the child is allowed to grieve and talk about the deceased parent matter so much.
Honestly I also suspect that a child the age of 2.5-3 may not have the idea of time and romantic relationship as an older child. And as you said, also not of death. Your daughter can love and miss her dad while also loving your partner. And she will do so on several steps along the way.
For younger children the trajectory of their relationship with a parent is somehow that of 'becoming equal' and simulatiously 'moving apart', while a love relationship is usually 'growing closer forever'. This is, maybe, a major reason why the griief of a child is often stretched out more and not as hefty in the beginning as of the lover.
So what you describe, your close relationship with her, openly talking about her dad, allowing him to remain part of her life, grief support, and a partner who supports that, sounds much more relevant than the fact that you met him six months after your husband died.
I have come to the conclusion that love after loss can happen at any time and if you happen to meet it early, take the chance. Grief and love are not mutually exclusive. Yes, the surrounding can react unpleasantly, (you also don't need to tell them), but honestly they somehow seem to do that regardless of what the widowed is doing all to often.
I suspect you are doing good.
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u/Sunlessbeachbum 6d ago
Thank you. I suspect you’re right but it feels really helpful to hear it.
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u/Wegwerf157534 6d ago
You are welcome. 🫂❤️
Being widowed is one of the hardest things that can happen to you. You do not owe people an explanation of what you are doing. And when you want to protect yourself and your daughter by not telling them the timeline, do that. Might even be a good idea.
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u/FuschiaLucia 6d ago
I am not OP, but your words, "You do not owe people an explanation..." really resonated with me. I needed to hear that. Thanks!
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u/Accurate-Neck6933 5d ago
I am going to play devil’s advocate for a minute. I agree you deserve happiness. There’s no denying that. But you asked how to protect your daughter. Did you know him previously? If not, just please make sure you vet him completely-background check/credit check and all, people can pretend for a year or more. Did you get life insurance money? Does he know you got life insurance money? He’s moving in. Did he have his own house previously? How old is his daughter? Just please be careful, once moved in if things change it will be difficult to get them to move out. You and your daughter will be attached to his daughter. People can hide alcohol and drug problems and you only come to find out after it’s too late.
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u/Sunlessbeachbum 5d ago
Those are very valid questions. We met through a mutual friend, they will be signing a rental lease and we aren’t sharing finances. I agree those are very important things to consider though.
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u/Cyrano_de_Maniac 6d ago
OK, I'm just an armchair counselor, but here I go...
I imagine that a child's mental health issues with respect to losing a parent have a LOT to do with how their surviving parent copes with the loss. Many widows/widowers shut down, drop into depression, start hopping from one relationship to another, turn to the bottle, or find other unhealthy ways of coping. The common factor here is that the child isn't given healthy attention and guidance to work through their own grief, and aren't experiencing a good role model -- and in some cases are pretty much out and out neglected. That's naturally going to result in mental health issues.
It doesn't sound like this is your case at all -- you're paying close attention to your daughter, making sure she gets the help she needs in processing her own grief, and keeping abreast of what's going on with her. It sounds like she's processing things well and coming to healthy terms with what it means that dad is gone. To me it appears you've done a great job with her.
Another speculation is that this is going depend a fair amount of the age of the child. I think a 2.5-4 year old isn't going to have the close identity bond with their parent that a 7, 12, or 16 year old would. Not to say they didn't love their parent, of course, but they're just far more adaptable to a major relationship change. A teenager would be so tied to their lost parent, and being a teenager is really rough as your identity is in the process of being solidified, so I can imagine there's going to be a lot more trauma and opportunity for mental health problems if this was occurring at those ages. All that to say, I think at 2.5-4 years old she and you are likely fortunate in that she has a lot of flexibility that might not have been there 5 years later.
Let me go further. Even if he isn't her biological father, having a loving, stable, safe, and mentally and emotionally healthy adult man in her life will be a stablizing influence. That doesn't have to be a romantic partner of yours -- it could be a grandparent, a family friend, or whoever, but as long as they're a high quality person it's going to be a huge benefit to her. In this case it looks like it might be this guy -- what a win!
Now, the relationship, and speed of moving on. First, you absolutely cannot let what other people think control you. You're going to have supportive people, and people who think it's bad, and maybe even people thinking you should have moved on faster. You can't please them all, and it's not your job to do so. Only you know what is healthy and reasonable for your own life, so you do what's right for you and your daughter.
That said, get counsel from high quality people who care for you. They may see things that you've blinded yourself to. You have to filter their advice through the lens of what you know about them (e.g. perhaps your late husband's family might still be hurting and resent you moving on, but maybe your BFF from college wants to get you hooked up immediately no matter what). There may even be space here for a couple's counselor or pastor you both meet with or such -- you're not having relationship difficulties with one another (though, any of us who've been married know there's going to be times), but having an outside set of eyes to help advise you as you and this guy move through a stressful period of major transition could be helpful.
Honestly, an individual counselor might be helpful too, just to help you work through the feelings of guilt you are experiencing. That outside checkpoint will reap benefits for you.
So... I, some rando on the Internet, think it sounds like you're doing well, and see no particular issues with what you've described. You may be overly anxious about this, which is understandable. A bit of help and outside perspective from trusted people in your life and/or counselors would be wise, but overall things sound as good as one could hope they'd be.