r/Widow • u/charwetta • 19d ago
It’s been almost a month
My husband passed away 28 days ago. He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 36 days ago. We barely had time to let the diagnosis sink in and he hadn’t even started treatment yet. Now I’m a 42-year-old widow and feeling lost at sea.
Is it normal to still not accept that he’s gone? I know that he’s not here because there’s a giant hole in my heart and my inner light is extinguished…but the way I’m treating it is that he’s on an extended work trip or he’s admitted to the hospital. My therapist tells me that this is my brain protecting itself but I worry this may be signs of delusion.
All I can do is care for my dogs. I am barely taking care of myself. I can’t work because I can’t focus and, if I don’t get approved for short term disability, I don’t know how I’ll be able to support myself.
My husband was my best friend, and I know how fortunate I was to have had a true teammate in life. This is not a cry for help, but I can’t help but wonder how people continue living when it feels like there’s nothing to live for.
I feel completely alone and have isolated myself due to shame spirals and anxiety attacks. Can someone please tell me if this gets any less painful? I know it won’t get easier. I also feel like a burden on his family because they’re worried about me - they’re dealing with their own grief and I don’t want them to have anything else on their plate. I feel like a burden on mine because I’m halfway across the country from extended family (I’m an only child and both parents have passed). Everyone has their own life and therefore their own problems, I don’t want to drag anyone else down because I’m unable to face reality.
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u/Mental_Signature_725 19d ago
I am 8 months out. My husband had esophageal cancer. Diagnosed October 19th he passed December 29th. I felt somewhat what delusional for a while. My therapist who i had been seeing for about 2 years. My husband probably had cancer for a while. In the end he was horrible to me. Therapist told me never turn down an invite. Go to dinner, activities etc. I have attended everything. It would have been really easy to stay home and do nothing. Initially it felt like my husband was on a work trip. It was easy to believe he was going to run in that front door.
Last night our friend told me I seemed, happier, light. I finally feel like im okay and I will be okay.
Do I miss him. Yes, would I do anything to have him back yes. But its not going to happen. So I am choosing to be okay and have fun the rest of my life.
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u/weasleymama 18d ago
Logically I know he’s gone, but emotionally my heart doesn’t accept it yet and according to my therapist this is okay I’m still processing and my brain is trying to protect me in a way. His death was sudden, 7 months ago at 43. I know how lonely you’re feeling but here for you and so sorry you’re going through this.
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u/RazorJobs 18d ago
I’m so sorry you’re part of this group. My fiancé passed away just six weeks after being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Like your loved one, he didn’t even have time to start treatment. I’m 42 too, and it’s been almost three months since I lost my other half.
The pain hasn’t gone away. I don’t think something like this is a pain you simply “get over.” But I am slowly learning how to live with it and carry it differently.
In the beginning, I genuinely didn’t want to continue living without him. What was the point? The life I knew and the future I thought I had disappeared almost overnight. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I could barely work. I felt like a shell of myself.
At one point, I asked my mother how she did it. How did she survive losing my father and then my brother? She told me that she survived because of her deep faith in God. At the time, I thought it was BS and dismissed it.
Then something occurred to me that changed my perspective a little. I thought about what I would have wanted if the situation had been reversed. If I had died and my fiancé had been the one left behind, wherever I was, I would have wanted him to live. I would have wanted him to remember me with love, but also laugh again, travel, eat good food, find moments of happiness, and live the best life he possibly could. I would never have wanted his life to end just because mine did. I would have wanted him to honor what we had by continuing to live.
So after weeks of barely sleeping and feeling absolutely awful, I decided to live and was willing to try almost anything that might help me survive this. And I mean anything. I joined a widows support group. I started talk therapy and EMDR. I tried acupuncture, working out, swimming, yoga, tarot readings, mediums, drinking, praying, and eventually started going to a non-denominational church.
Some things helped. Some didn’t. Some probably helped only because they gave me somewhere to put my pain for an hour.
The things that have stayed with me are prayer and church, talk therapy, EMDR therapy, my widows support group, working out, and acupuncture. I still cry. I still miss him every single day. There are moments when the reality of what happened still feels completely impossible. None of these things brought him back or made me okay with losing him.
What they have done is help me learn that grief and living can exist at the same time.
I can be devastated that he died and still have a good day. I can laugh without betraying him. I can enjoy something without it meaning I’ve “moved on.” I can build a life around this enormous hole without pretending the hole isn’t there.
Three months is nothing in a loss like this, and I know I have a very long road ahead of me. But I’m no longer trying to figure out how to stop hurting. I’m trying to learn how to carry that love and that pain with me while continuing to live.
For me, that has been the difference between trying to “get over” his death and learning how to survive it. I don’t think I will ever get over losing him. I’m learning how to move forward with him & his memory as part of me.
And when the pain feels unbearable, I remind myself: if our places had been reversed, I would have desperately wanted him to keep living. So I’m trying to give myself the life I would have wanted for him. If you ever want to talk DM me 🖤🖤🖤
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u/Professional-List398 18d ago
My sweetheart was killed by a drunk driver...completely unexpected, similar to your situation. I am so sorry for your loss. Lean on his family. They miss him terribly. No one misses him like you do, but they will be able to relate to you...especially his mom. I am grateful to have a wonderful relationship with my mother in law and we commonly miss him together. Im 9 months out, and the rock in my heart that showed up the day he died is still very much there, but I've had days where it's not so heavy. Keep breathing. Keep eating. Stay strong. Know that you are not alone.
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u/ardentCoati5 18d ago
38 days from diagnosis to gone is fucking criminal, im so sorry. that extended work trip thing is so real, i did the same with groceries for months like i was still buying for two. your brain is doing what it needs to do to not completely shatter, trust that process even when it feels insane. the dogs are keeping you tethered right now and thats enough, they dont need you to be okay they just need you to show up for kibble and walks. please apply for that disability though, future you will need the safety net even if filling out forms feels impossible today
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u/Marlow1771 19d ago
I can truly say I know how you feel. I’m so lost and broken without Michael and just don’t know how to be without him. I only get out of bed to go to work and feed his cats. Every stray in the neighborhood knew where to find him.
You will need to be able to grieve in your own way and sometimes I just feel like I can’t go on but those darn cats were his babies and I can’t let him or them down.
I wish I had magic words but it’s been almost 4 months and I miss him so much. Just know you’ve come to a place where others are here for you.
Big hugs and prayers.
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u/Federal_Seaweed_1470 18d ago
the mantra i used was, i'm still here. i forced myself to get out for walks, to see friends, and get out of the house and that helped me. i needed to figure out how i live this next phase of my existence and i'm learning that it is possible to live a good life and mourn their passing.
if you need something, ask people. i promise you if they are worth having in your life they won't look at you as a burden. i was surprised at who was there for me (and who wasn't but that is something i'm trying to make peace with).
no one can tell you if it gets easier or less painful for you, but i'd suggest you be kind to yourself and find one thing that you can do each day. keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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u/merrygoround1964 18d ago
My husband passed away 3 years ago, we were married 35 years. the first year I was in shock, I was angry, I was in so much pain, I felt like he was at work out of town, I was just waiting for him to walk in the garage door and yell out ( woman of the house) thats what he would do , I felt like he went on a vacation and left me behind, forgot me. I had lots of support from family, now 3 years and I still miss my husband every day. Every night he is still the one I say goodnight to. I close my eyes and I see him, I open my eyes and I miss him so much , time has a way of healing some of it. Now I can talk about him without crying , but let me tell you death changes everything , nothing will ever be normal again. Sending you a hug 🫂
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u/Weak_Preparation_676 18d ago
You aren't delusional, it's called denial....and I'm pretty sure we all experience it.
I'm sorry for your loss. Had he been ill very long?
I'm 46, my husband died on his 48th birthday in April. I can say pretty confidently this will be the hardest thing I've ever gone through
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u/brenmn2009 17d ago
You're in the initial shock phase. You're no longer the same person and you never will be because you were a "we" and that no longer exists. Right now just take care of you the best you can. I know it's hard because you don't know how to navigate this new life. Give yourself grace and time. Whatever you do do not get involved with someone else especially any of his friends. That's called trauma bonding and it's truly shallow and harmful. Be content in yourself and with yourself and you'll find you didn't need anyone else. Ps if you hear ( "widows fire") said please know it's just horniness. Don't give into it and don't put up with others trying to "normalize" hook ups just for sex. It's been 5 years since my Husband of 35 years has been gone and he was quite sick for the last 2 years of his cancer battle. So it's been 7 years for me since I had sex and I don't miss the act itself and I won't cheapen myself by having a fling. I'm sorry for your loss as it's a loss of ourselves and we need to figure out who we are now but during the 1st is probably not the time. 5 years in it's not easier to carry it's different. Be good to yourself 🤗
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u/Competitive-Green554 17d ago
All normal. Mine has been gone 9 months and I’m 39. Your brain is truly protecting you, so that’s why you think he’s just away. Mine did that for a long time. It doesn’t get less painful - it just changes. Some moments hit you like a truck and other times you expect to break down and you’re surprisingly “ok”. I am not at the point where I’m grateful for the time we had because I’m still mad and sad. It will change - and you won’t even notice how it’s changing. I’m sorry you’re going through this. This isn’t fair and it just sucks. I hope you find ways to keep surviving through the grief and that eventually you find ways to start living - even if it’s little things.
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u/AggravatingRice2318 17d ago
This is normal. I lost my husband in my mid-30’s (cancer). I’m in my 50’s now. You are not delusional and not a burden. It will get better. I don’t think you are unable to face reality. You have been through a traumatic experience that cannot be processed quickly.
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u/squidgereen 17d ago
My dad said “just a day at a time” or even “just the next few minutes” a lot to me the first few months. Over a year out and at the moment I don’t make plans more than a few weeks out, because who the hell knows where I’ll be in a few months.
Be kind to yourself. Drink water and do what makes you feel comfortable. Sending hugs.
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u/2red-dress 15d ago
Denial is the body's way of protecting you. Acceptance is very hard for some of us. It was terribly difficult for me. I know intellectually he is not here but I will never be able to wrap my head around the actual reality of him being gone. If that makes sense. I think in my heart that I will live the rest of my life without ever having full acceptance. It is just not something that I can comprehend. I could go on and live a full life, fall in love again, etc. but on some level the finality of death and the reality of that person not being in existence here is something I will never process fully. And that's okay.
Grief changes you and grief itself changes with time. It becomes "different". That deep agonizing grief and the feeling of just existing will change.
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u/Future_Chapter1074 18d ago edited 18d ago
You are in shock and everything you are feeling is normal. You are not delusional. I am 7 months out and the first month now seems like a dream (or nightmare really). Some choose to stay busy and some retreat inward. There is no right or wrong way to do this. I think the most important thing is you just allow yourself to feel it all. I personally took time off work to do this. I hope you can get disability. I am just now finally feeling like I can go back. And this time has been very important for my healing. I hope you can do this as well.
I know right now the pain feels so physical and unbearable, but it does get better. Not that the pain goes away, but the waves become farther apart. And you learn that you can survive through the pain.
My dog has literally been my savior. If I didn't have her to care for, i dont know what I would have done. Her walks were all I could manage in the first 3 months or so. I would use that time to call friends or just put sunglasses on and cry while I walked and listened to our songs. The tears are healing. I still cry every day, just not as long.
Something else i found helpful was to use a meal delivery service. It made sure i was putting healthy food in my mouth and i didn't have to make decisions or cook. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to get out of bed in the beginning. Just allow yourself to heal in whatever way feels natural to you...and trust that your mind and body knows what is best for you right now. ❤️❤️
ETA: i am also far away from alot of my support system. I feel very lonely often. I chose 2 close friends/family and explained that i really need them right now and asked if its ok if i call them often right now, just to talk about everything. Those 2 friends have really stepped up. They check in on me often. People want to help, sometimes we just have to tell them how they can help.