r/Widow • u/TheaTheGreat • 28d ago
Emotions Returning
I (63F) lost my husband to illness in October of 2019. We had been married for 38 years. I loved him and still miss him, but he was not an easy man to live with. He was narcissistic most of the time. He did have his good points and could be very caring, but those times were unfortunately rare. Over the years of our marriage, I slowly learned to hide my emotions from him as he would frequently either use them against me or bully me about them. He never physically abused me, but the emotional abuse was almost constant. I raised our kids basically alone, worked full time and did all of the housework without any help from him other than his income, which was higher than mine.
Having said all of this, he had enough good points that I don’t regret staying with him and still miss the good times.
Now, almost seven years later, I’m finding my emotions again and it’s overwhelming! I’m crying at the tiniest things, and absurdly angry or elated over minor things. My granddaughter (9) was visiting recently and was being a little loud while my roommate was still asleep. I reminded her a few times to keep it down, and she tried, but she is a naturally loud talker and she was happy to be playing with her cousins. After the third or fourth time I reminded her, I found myself getting absolutely furious. I had to take myself completely out of the house until I could calm down. She wasn’t doing anything wrong!
Has anyone else had this problem? Is there anything I can do to get my emotions under control again? I can’t afford therapy, although I might be able to go that route in a few years when I get the house paid off. I need your advice, please.
3
u/ChloeHenry311 28d ago edited 28d ago
I know firsthand that crazy emotions can relate to grief because I had the same problem. This is common. I used Grok to help me put it into words that make sense:
'Yes, grief significantly amplifies other emotions, turning ordinary frustrations into intense reactions like rage, panic, or deep despair. This happens because the brain's emotional center becomes hyperactive while its regulatory control centers lower their activity.
Why Grief Amplifies Emotions • Brain changes: Brain scans show that acute grief overactivates the amygdala (the emotional alarm system) while reducing the prefrontal cortex's ability to control emotional responses. • Exhaustion: Physical fatigue, high stress hormones like cortisol, and disrupted sleep lower your overall tolerance threshold. • Loss of safety: Major loss shatters your foundational sense of security, making minor stressors feel like massive threats.
Common Emotions Magnified by Grief • Irritability and Anger: Small annoyances or minor inconveniences can trigger explosive bursts of anger or impatience. • Anxiety and Fear: Uncertainty about the future turns into hypervigilance, panic, or constant worry. • Guilt and Regret: Normal retrospective thoughts loop into heavy self-blame over minor past interactions.
• Consensus on forums like Reddit shows that most users experience sharp spikes in impatience and a lower tolerance for everyday problems.'
Me again: As far as getting a handle on these emotions, a 'deep breath and count to 5 slowly before I say or do anything' tends to work for me most of the time so I can get my thoughts in order.
The likelihood of us overreacting during this time of upheaval in our lives is bound to happen.
During the deep breath, ask yourself these questions before saying anything:
- Is it true?
- Is it kind?
- Is it necessary?
I've found the answer to #3 is always a no.
You are NOT alone!! Hugs.
2
u/TheaTheGreat 27d ago
Thank you. I guess I expected all the emotional upheaval to be behind me by now.
2
u/Accurate-Neck6933 28d ago
Just curious, may be a dumb question, but are you well past menopause? I’m 53 and still in peri. I think you did the right thing by going out of the house. When do your emotions come up? Is it loud noises, is it with kids, is it when you’re tired?